Healthy Boundaries: The Line Between Need And Needy

While I was at COPE a couple a couple weeks back (I had an amazing time), I took a class from MasterSoAndSo (I can’t find him to link him on Fet, so I may have the spelling wrong) about communication.

In that class, the idea of need versus needy came up for discussion.

In my editorial calendar for today (this is what I call me loosely organized collection of writing prompts that I set for myself every weekday), I had the topic, “Need,” with a link and a reminder:

It feels like wanting one another is most important for a healthy relationship.

Then there’s “needing” each other. Not in an unhealthy way, but in points of bonding and purpose I suppose.

Like, I need for my partner to be communicative, otherwise, our relationship won’t survive…

So that’s the need for certain basic expectations to be met.

— by @IvoryVixen, from a comment on A Few Thoughts On Need… (FetLife link, requires login)

In the class, as we were discussing the idea of need versus needy, it seemed to boil down to how we handled it.

How we thought about the need internally and how we communicated the need or acted upon it externally.

Which, to me, took a bit of thought and unpacking.

To use an example from above, “I need for my partner to be communicative, otherwise, our relationship won’t survive.”

This, to me is a need. It’s clearly stated, and the point made is about why this is needed specifically from that partner, as opposed to something I can fulfill myself, by being a “whole” person (whatever that means).

Let’s dissect this:

  • I don’t need you to communicate with me.
  • IF we are desiring to create a relationship together, I can state with clarity that I need you to communicate with me clearly and effectively.
  • When this need is not met, I can say so and mention that it is a need for the relationship we are building together—or, another way of looking at it is that it is a need in service to a mutual desire.

This is a need in the healthy sense of a relationship. This is setting and holding healthy boundaries.

Other ways of thinking about this, or acting upon it:

When you don’t communicate with me, I feel bad (or I act badly).

In this case, this takes the need from a condition of a relationship or behavior into something that is s putting a personal responsibility onto the other partner (for how I feel or act) that they may not have agreed to.

You’re not communicating with me, which makes you a bad person.

This put MY need as a condition to their value or achievement as a human.

You don’t love me if you don’t communicate with me.

This takes my need for communication and uses it to dictate how another person feels (probably without their consent).

These three examples are all what I would consider needy behaviors. They are demanding and entitled, and blur the lines between who I am and who my partner is.

Need is NOT a bad thing.

I used to think it was. I was wrong.

I was mixing up needy behaviors and thought patterns with needs. And I still believe that those needy behaviors are detrimental to relationships, even when (especially when) I exhibit them.

Because they are not consensual and they are not fair. They are self-focused, and give little to no room for a partner to make mistakes or to think and feel differently.

They merge two people into a mish-mash of one “couplehood,” rather than respecting their healthy personal boundaries.

I need these things (not just these things, and not necessarily in this order) from a partner:

  • communication
  • admiration
  • desire
  • pleasure
  • laughter
  • comfort
  • all of this

And yadda yadda.

I can need desire, for example. I don’t believe I can demand it. Or command it. Or judge a person’s worth on their desire or lack of.

Because desire is my need. And it’s my responsibility to set my boundaries in a way that allows me to receive desire in a healthy way or to walk.

What are YOUR thoughts?

I’m not exactly sure that mine are solid, yet. This is something I’m thinking through.

  • What are your needs?
  • When do they cross the line into ‘needy’?
  • Are needs and needy even different ideas to you?
  • Have you experienced need and neediness from partners?
  • How do you experience personal needs and healthy boundaries intersecting?

I’m excited to read your perspectives on this.

*smiles*

A Look Into The Mind Of An Incel

A man I’ve counseled over the years in a masculine dominance forum that I volunteer (as a dominant woman’s perspective) for, posted this incredibly insightful self-assessment:

If a woman is NOT horny and ready-to-go, I assume there’s something wrong with her, and I have a tendency to judge her negatively in some way that she may have issues.

Or, I may experience self-hatred or shame and believe that I am not man enough in some way.

I tend to have a fixed mindset if a woman is not responsive to me.

This is a piercingly clear insight into the very heart of what makes the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154] mindset dysfunctional, and leads from Nice Guy-itis to total incel-itis.

NOTE: in the linked article about the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154], I also mention that this can apply to Nice Girls as well. Let me state now that I’m going to use NG to represent “Nice Guy” behavior in any all genders.

Also, If you’re not familiar with incels, here is a handy guide to the four ‘levels’ of inceldom: [image][https://miro.medium.com/max/1838/1H3a8OH1eVSIpXH5NteZFvw.jpeg]*

The first sentence is one side of an incel/NG—the side that has to look for fault in others to lay blame. Whether blame is even a factor or necessary.

The second sentence is the other side.

The self-loathing side.

The side of an incel/NG that holds their hurts and disappointments and eats at them like a cancer. The side where they internalize every negative word ever spoken to them and every negative thought they’ve ever had.

Even good things get fed into this side and interpreted through this dank filter.

And the last sentence is a key point: fixed mindset. It’s either or both of those things. There is no other explanation. There is no viable alternate viewpoint. No matter how harmful to themselves, they insist on these being the ONLY two options.

These few sentences show exactly how a lack of understanding of human nature and how to be successful romantically and sexually with others leads to incel/NG behaviors and beliefs.

And the sucky thing?

This creates a huge shitload of self-reinforcing trouble for the incel/NG, and it’s based on a false assumption that they can’t (or rather, won’t) let go.

Because no matter how much they may want and hate women/other humans, and no matter how much they may secretly despise themselves, it’s not nearly as bad as realizing they are wrong.

That they are wrong.

That they have been wrong.

Possibly for years.

Screwing things up, hurting themselves and others.

Wrong.

And so, they will double down, and continue in pain. Because that feels safer than learning to do and think differently.

At least they know what desperation and self-loathing feels like. They know they can handle that.

Being wrong, making change—that’s an unknown. It’s scary.

Scarier than where they are now.

NOTE: This man, after a year and a half, was asked to leave the forums. He would not, could not, let go of his toxic beliefs. And he was being disrespectful to others as he spiraled ever more out of control. Such a shame.

#NotAllCucks

Just wanted to share a few false “facts” many people think they know about cuckolds.

The ONLY thing all cuckolds have in common (according to me) is that they enjoy watching their partner be pleasures by another, and also are at least a little emotionally masochistic and enjoy the feelings of jealousy and sexual/emotional threat.

Not all cucks…

  • are bisexual.
  • are sissies.
  • enjoy chastity.
  • are bad in bed.
  • are sexless.
  • are white.
  • are…ahem…under-sized in the cock department.
  • are married.
  • love creampies.
  • are submissive.
  • are heterosexual.
  • enjoy humiliation.
  • love sloppy seconds.
  • have PE or ED issues.
  • are lackluster fuckers.

Some cuckolds might be all of these. Some may be a combination. Some may be only interested in watching their partners with others and enjoying the jealousy.

As a cuckoldress, and someone who teaches a cuckolding class, I run into these assumptions quite often.

What are the assumptions you run into about YOUR interests or roles?

What is your #NotAll___? What assumptions and stereotypes drive you batty, when people mention them?

Compersion Is Not A System Override (Poly Is Not, Part XX)

I wrote about compersion in this piece: Poly Is Not Compersion, and it resonated with a lot of folk.

I mentioned in that piece that compersion is not an antidote for jealousy.

It’s not.

Compersion is not a system override for other feelings.

Most people I know are perfectly capable of feeling joy in another’s happiness (compersion) and ALSO feeling jealousy or fear or a sick dread or anger or upset or depression.

Humans are complex creatures.

We are not one thing or another.

We are not 100% good at any given time or 100% bad.

Continue reading “Compersion Is Not A System Override (Poly Is Not, Part XX)”

I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.

I wrote in February about rejecting actions online, not YOU as a person. After all, I don’t know you as a person. i just know how you behave in your interactions with me.

@Grafinya said:

“women saying NO so often is simply because we aren’t being offered something worth saying yes to.”

THIS.

Exactly this.

Continue reading “I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.”

Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts

Specific Experiences People (SEP) MAY be new to kink.

Their experiences may be limited to online research, watching some porn, and/or using a few toys from the local adult store with a partner while tied up.

OR, SE people MAY be VERY EXPERIENCED in certain areas.

  • They’ve spent 27 years in a D/s relationship. They know the ins and outs of THAT relationship, and are totally bewildered by dating in this day and age, and the new consent culture.
  • They are well-known for their pick-up play and their topping skills, honed over a decade, while not having and maintaining healthy relationships.
  • They are veterans of the consent expected in swing relationships and events, while being new to kink standards for play and sexuality.
  • They may have had relationships that always focused on consent, and never went “off the reservation” into CNC (consensual nonconsent), so find that a bit bewildering and intimidating.

While Wide Experiences (WE) People may have tried MANY different things. Played in lots of the areas. Sure, still not all, but they have done hundreds of pick-up play sessions, maintained long-term healthy relationships (maybe even poly!), and have delved into the darkest corners of edge play and CNC.

OR, they may have LOTS of experiences, but shallowly. Never really diving deep into any of them.

Neither SEP nor WEP are inherently better.

Continue reading “Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts”

A Strapless Dildo Option That Works! FINALLY!

I have long desired a truly strapless experience for play with dildos, and I’ve tried a few options. Unfortunately, all were disappointing.

They were too hard and pokey (I guess that’s why they thought they needed to maintain the “shape”), they were oddly shaped, or the ‘inner bits’ were just…not shaped right.

Some were good enough for use on women, but failed miserably when engaged with the much stronger muscles of the anus, which is my primary interest.

I kept up hope, but I admit that my optimism was fading.

Then, while I was researching my latest book on butt stuff (The Big Book of Ass), someone mentioned the InJoyUs. I went to check it out, of course, even though I was deeply skeptical. After all, I’d read glowing reviews of all the others I’ve tried, and NONE of them really worked like anyone said.

I was thinking, “Maybe I’m the weirdo, here,” not for the first time.

But the InJoyUs LOOKED different right off the bat. Something about it seemed better-thought-out. A small flame of hope sprung up, and I sent an email.

“Something, something, blah, blah, blah. InJoyUs was recommended, and I’d love to review it for inclusion in my book, if it works. More yadda yadda…”

And so, not long after, I got my review box.

Now, John at New Love Creations had already mentioned that he’d gotten a bit of flack for his packaging, and when I opened it up, I could see why. It’s certainly not what I would expect for a product of the price and caliber I was expecting, and could use an update for sure.

However, I wasn’t going to be sticking packaging in my or my partner’s butt, so it was easy to open it up and look at the product itself.

Because I’d talked some with John about how he’d designed, tested and engineered this thing, I was prepared for it to feel solid. And it does. I was almost concerned with HOW solid it felt, like the weight might be detrimental.

It was not at all. More on that in a bit.

I got the InJoyUs in my package, along with the Lily and Lela dildos. Two very different sizes/shapes.

All are made from pure platinum grade silicone, which is pretty much a must for me these days. It’s body-safe, odorless, hypoallergenic, and super easy to clean. Just pop those babies in the top rack of the dishwasher, or clean with bleach.

The InJoyUs has a stabilizer inside it (it’s not visible, nor can it be felt) of a super-strong metal, to maintain shape and erection angle, which I really like.

But NONE of that mattered if it didn’t feel good and stay in.

And it took a couple of days for me to make the scene happen, and I was chomping at the bit to try it out.

A set of detailed instructions came with the toys, which I looked over, and promptly ignored.

LOL!

Seriously, though, while I believe the instructions are needed, and they are well-done, I figured I had this.

After all, one of the reasons I want a strapless solution is to make this sort of play more spontaneous and less fussy. If I can’t just pop it in and go, then it won’t really add value to my life.

So, I chose to wing it, and wing it I did.

Well, I did realize that Step 1 was critical after popping the internal portion, and feeling an urgent need to pee.

So, that taken care of (and lesson learned), it was back to play.

Without going into graphic details, the results were overwhelmingly positive for butt play with my male partner.

  • InJoyUs was easy to insert.
  • It felt both solid and secure in place.
  • We played with the Lily to start, and it has a nice extra clitoral stimulation pad.
  • Both my g-spot and clitoris were happily stimulated.
  • It stayed in, and felt good—I orgasmed more than a few times.

Definitely overwhelmingly positive.

There were a few hiccups:

  • It takes some time, I think, to get used to the angle and use. This was our first time, and we tried cowgirl, missionary (plus variations) and lotus positions. Pretty basic, and successful, although learning the angle of thrust was a thing. Fun to learn, though!
  • When I orgasm hard, I’ve been know to push out a VERY enthusiastic dick. The same is true of the InJoyUs. However, I was totally OK with this, as it stayed in for the rest of the time, and frankly, I often bet against strong, determined men staying in there when I clamp down and push in the throes. As a friend said this morning, “They just need to say it has an ejection feature when the mission is accomplished!” LOL!
  • The angle, to me, seemed like it ‘used up’ a bit of the length of the toy. The Lily is measured at 7 inches insertable. My partner and I both agreed that another inch would have been perfect. Now, that could be because I’m a “thicc” girl, and it did have to get out past my thighs, but not all users are gonna be teeny-tiny. (The next person to try this out is gonna be a much smaller woman, so we’ll have additional feedback when that happens.)

All in all, I am feeling the first flushes of infatuation with this system, and expect that if things continue, I’ll be in love.

I look forward to using the Lela as well, and would LOVE to see more options of shapes and sizes in dildos from New Love Creations, so that I can continue using the InJoyUs for all dildo fuckery in the future.

https://newlovecreations.com/shop/

This is part 1 of a multi-part review of this product over time and by multiple people. Keep an eye out for more.

Poly Is Not Less (Poly Is Not, Part XVIII)

Not inherently so, anyway.

Let me explain.

Also, before I explain, let me say that I am not proselytizing. I have no desire to convert you to the cult of poly. IDGAF if you are poly or mono or decidedly alone. I post these “Poly Is Not” writings to combat some group-think and stereotypes that often hold little basis in reality. If you are completely unwilling to share a partner’s sexuality and love, that’s fine. You do you.

Ok, that all said, let me say clearly: Poly is not necessarily less of someone than monogamy.

Because in polyamory or monogamy, you could be with a partner who you adore in every way. Who is responsive to you, who meshes with you wonderfully in non-sexual ways.

They could be naturally monogamous, and not open to other options.

You could have the same partner, who is open to sharing, and enjoying time with others.

In either case, you could ruin the potential because you would “want more,” rather than enjoying what you and they have, and taking pleasure as it comes to you.

Which, is, of course your right. Especially if you are monogamous.

Continue reading “Poly Is Not Less (Poly Is Not, Part XVIII)”

Regret, Type 1: Broken Personal Boundaries

In 2015, I wrote this piece about No Regrets, and it’s recently come back up in conversation.

@Lilianthorn mentioned self-image issues leading to regret, and I said that regret, to me, is more a boundary issue than a self-image issue, and she asked me to clarify.

I started to write, and realized this might be a better writing on boundaries…

To clarify, soft personal boundaries are often a result of self-image issues, so there is that link. I don’t think it’s as direct as posited, though.

regret

feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

So, there are two aspects, In the case of my No Regrets writing, I’m speaking specifically to regrets over what HAS been done.

And generally, people regret things they’ve done because they crossed their own picket lines, broke their boundaries, consented to things they did not want to consent to, etc.

Continue reading “Regret, Type 1: Broken Personal Boundaries”

A New Book On FLRs & FemDom!

I’m writing a book for FAD—Female Artists of Domination, my local FemDom group. ALL of the profits from this book are going to FAD, as a thank you for the many years (17 this September, right?) of amazing support and service they have given my local community.

Dating Kinky Presents: FLR, FemDom & Women In Charge: Finding, nurturing, and enjoying a woman-led lifestyle.

Here’s the cover as it’s designed right now:

Book cover: A tall boot in light grey with words over the top: 

Dating Kinky Presents: FLR, FemDom & Women In Charge: Finding, nurturing, and enjoying a woman-led lifestyle. 

by: The Members of FAD, NookieNotes & Company
Continue reading “A New Book On FLRs & FemDom!”