Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That

FUCKITY FUCK Locks

When it comes to dating, people often say, “Just be yourself. Just be authentic.”

The problem with that is that a lot of us suck as humans.

In people, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS. Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

And so, we not-so-good-at-being-human humans miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms… whatever).

Continue reading “Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That”

People Lie

People Lie

People lie to me every day. In the strangest ways. I find it fascinating.

Because I don’t just write.

I read.

A LOT.

Every day.

I consciously set time aside to learn about things I’m interested in and things I have no (past) interest in. I want to know more about how the world works.

I also want to more about how people work.

So, I reach out and talk to people.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

Every day.

I estimated several years ago that I had talked to over 7,500 (new) people in one year.

Just talked.

Some conversations were short.

Many were not.

Some were in person. Some online online.

It’s grown since then.

This morning, alone, I’ve already answered 47 messages (email, FetLife), and I still have many more to go. 9 of them had already replied back at least once before I took a break.

I am fascinated by the human condition, and how we come to be the way we are and why we do what we do.

So, I ask questions in conversation (and obviously have conversations like this) to learn more.

What I’ve found:

People lie for all the reasons you think.

People also lie for all the reasons you’ve never thought of.

People lie about the things you’d expect.

People lie about the strangest, totally unfathomable things.

Or, replace “lie” with “act,” and it’s closer to the truth.

*smiles*

And so do I. And so do you.

Be we’re people. And people lie.

Offer A Hug: Be The Change You Want To See In The World

Offer A Hug!

This morning as I was poking around on my twitter, I stumbled across this tweet thread:

Offer A Hug

This is a thing. I personally grew up with a very physically affectionate mother, and touch is natural to me.

As natural as breathing.

When I meet people, I always offer a hug, instead of a handshake or basic greeting. Even in business.

Let me clear: I don’t dive in for the embrace. I give them the OPTION.

90%+ take it.

Now, as a woman, I do have an advantage of not seeming creepy to most. However, I know men who offer a hug, too.

“I’m a hugger. Do you prefer hugs or another greeting?”

Of course, not ever expecting to sexualize it helps.

BE THE CHANGE.

YMMV. Perhaps start small.

Friends.

“I’m on a mission to hug more and spread joy. You with me?”

I know it will not work for everyone with every person. When it does, though, we all benefit.

The Power Of Expectations

Power of Expectations

My life has for the past couple of days decided to show me the power of expectations.

Life does these things sometimes.

Decides to smack me upside the head with a certain concept until I’m clear, usually when a writing topic is coming up on my calendar.

I didn’t see it coming, and I should have.

Back in April, I was having a conversation with a man who complained quite a bit about people on FetLife being fakes and “full of shit.”

I told him that was not my experience, overall.

He suggested I send some “action” his way. I declined. He then got a bit snippy with me, so I said:

It explains a lot. You treat your interactions with people on here as disposable, and not worth keeping. No wonder people don’t feel connected to you.

I know I don’t feel connected to you, even after a month of back and forth.

I’ll wish you the best in everything you do.

His response:

Lol funny but hey I am sorry my loss. Yes this website is not that important and I admit I could care less about the interactions on here. I honestly do not give a damn. This is all entertainment and funny stuff.

Con now let’s be real this place is a disease speeding bottom feeding meat market. People looking for self esteem they can’t find in the real lives very few exceptions of course. Oh well

He then blocked me.

I saved the messages URL and I scheduled a writing, “You get what you give/expect.”

This week, I’ve had two more experiences.

A man wrote to me praising my writing and me, asking me to do a writing about how many fakes and selfish doms there are on FetLife, and when I demurred, called me a fake and a BSer, and a liar and a narcissist.

Another on Collarspace wrote:

Everything you have been taught goes out the window tonight bitch Get down on your knees and worship your Superior NOW
And if you cant handle it, run to the ignore button coward

I told him my kinks were not compatible with him and wished him the best.

Dont lie. You dont wish me well at all. You women are all the same. Condescending , supercilious bitches

I asked, “Why would I not?”

Because youre a female.

I told him, “Well, believing the way you do only blinds you to the good will around you. That’s not on me. I won’t respond again.”

please respond again, Ill be nice

Neither of these guys had a chance. I won’t pretend they did.

However, both also came in ready for a fight, and did their best to make it happen, because of their expectations.

Yesterday, I came across this amazing NPR article, Can You Affect Another Person’s Behavior With Your Thoughts?

In this piece, the science of expectations is explored, and how what we expect from others colors our behaviors towards them, often shifting their actions in ways we might never think of.

I scheduled it to write on February 12, with the title “The Power of Expectations,” then went to a meeting, where we discussed the business strategy of “rising to expectations,” rather than “sinking into the morass of lowest-common-denominator.”

Seems life was being obvious again, while I was being oblivious.

And then, today, I sit down to write.

“You get what you give/expect” was right there, waiting for me. 

I’m guessing this is a lesson I need to learn more deeply. 

I know I’ve been guilty of expecting less from someone than they could/would offer. I know I’ve expected less of the world than it can provide. I was called on it yesterday by someone FAR more successful than I. 

So, today I’m sharing my life lesson with you, in case you are sometimes as boneheaded as I can be, and you’re stabbing yourself in the foot with your expectations. 

Or, maybe you’re just not using higher expectations of yourself and those around you to your advantage. 

What do you think? 

The Language of Survival, The Language of Trust

Language of Trust

Each of us has a language of survival that we create as we grow up. We have a language of trust as well. In some, the language of trust has a huge vocabulary, and covers many varied situations.

They/we are the lucky ones.

CW: mentions of abuse

In some, the language of survival is the strongest, most nuanced, and pervasive language they understand.

Language of Trust

This conversation clearly shows the deleterious effects of languages of survival.

And as newvagabond points out, even knowing intellectually that they are safe is not enough.

The language of trust in their head is too small to overpower the survival mechanisms they’ve developed.

And if you live and love, you will meet these people. Perhaps you are these people.

And you could, if you choose, help them create their language of trust, by offering your own to them, and being a safe space.

Here are a few ways:

  • Validate. This does not always mean saying, “you’re right,” instead showing that they have the right to feel they way they feel. This means accepting and loving them for their fears as well as for their strengths.
  • Reassure. Speak to them of your OK-ness with their concerns.
  • Offer touch. Often, touch is as compelling, sometimes more, than the words. MAKE SURE THEY CONSENT. For those for whom touch is a part of their trauma, touch without consent can make things MUCH worse.
  • Be patient. Don’t speak the words, but project the opposite. Actually be patient. We all have things to learn. You may be an expert at trust and being not-afraid. Great! Use that with them. As with any language, it may take years to become fluent in trust with you and with others… or like me and Russian, they may never get it. That’s OK, too.
  • Understand this is not personal. It’s not YOU. It’s survival reactions to past lived-experiences. Also understand that as you hold your space safe for them, you are creating a language of trust with them as well. They KNOW/HOPE they are safe with you, or they would not choose to be with you, to put themselves in harms way. Their survival brain, though, doesn’t feel it. Like when you are safe at home, and a pan drops suddenly in the kitchen,a nd you jump, because WTF!?!? and it takes a while for your heart to slow down…instinct. It’s a bitch.

Last year, I wrote a piece about communication breakdowns when partners aren’t safe. I think that’s also a good reference to read. That one is also how we can add to their language of survival, often, even, without realizing the damage we’re doing.

How do you create your language of trust with your partners?

Or… on the other side, how does your language of survival affect you and your relationships long after the original behaviors that created it have past?