Poly Relationships: “Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

Poly Relationships

So, I’m doing some professional-level procrastinating right now, and TheFerret popped up in my feed with this piece on poly relationships:

“Why Are You Poly People Always Yammering On About Polyamory?” (link to FetLife, requires sign-in)

I read it. And agreed, then went on to the comments, where I saw this:

ArrowBlue

What I hate is that every non kinky platform where I might mention the possibility that I’m not monogomous its always assumed disaster will occur.

Which got me thinking about something, so I popped over here to write a short piece quickly. Because, you know, I have work to do…

Anyway, my point is simple. I hear this a lot (or something like it):

“Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

My response:

Most of the RELATIONSHIPS you know fail. I mean, really. How many of those monogamous relationships you and your friends have had have really lasted a lifetime?

Yeah. It’s called dating because not every relationship will last a lifetime.

And they are not all meant to.

Even marriages in the monogamous world don’t last forever. 53% of marriages end in divorce. (1) If you look at relationships in totality, the average number of years a relationship will last is 2.14/2.05 (male/female), though relationship length ranged from 1 to 108 months (9 years). (2)

So, there you have it. Numbers n’shit.

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography
(2) http://kinseyconfidential.org/womens-sexual-desire-declines-time-men/

Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More

Topping From The Bottom

The term “topping from the bottom” is thrown about by Won Twoo Wayists the way that “Did you find everything you were looking for?” is tossed out by grocery store check clerks, and with the sneering disdain usually reserved for the ‘poor, unaware vanillas.’

Submissives and slaves are told, “You’re topping from the bottom. You’re not a real ______!”

But why?

What is this ‘topping from the bottom’, and why is it so heinous a crime?

Let’s rip this shit open!

Urban Dictionary defines topping from the bottom as:

In its basic, literal sense, it means exactly what it says. The person on the bottom is leading the top, thus technically topping from the bottom.

The person on the bottom (submissive/slave) is leading.

Oh mi godz, the horrors!

Continue reading “Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More”

How Do I Say…?

How Do I Say?

I cannot think of a single word, or series of words, no matter how long, that will convey everything I have inside my heart and my head for you.

Except one.

Our entire existence. From the moment we met. THAT is how I tell you all I want to say. My every look. My every action.

From that single moment, until the end of the future. My words and actions. For you.

That is my definition of love. My definition of adore, when it comes to you. I hope it is enough.

Image by Nietjuh on Pixabay

COC – Cum on Command – A Few Thoughts

Cum On Command

So, a few months back, I participated in a conversation about “cum on command” here (FetLife login-protected link).

This is something I and my ex-partner and I practiced early in our relationship, and I had done quite a bit of research on, and have taught to others, and given suggested reading, and so on and so on.

And let me state for the record, I LOVE IT! IT’S FUN!

So, I felt like I really had something to say about the subject.

And still do.

In fact, as I noted in another note I posted, I have recently experienced some real breakthroughs in mental/energy play that bring me again back to this. I may have to write about those at some point, when they re not so deep to me.

Now, in that thread, there is a lot of back and forth between myself and a few others, mostly one person. I won’t bore you with the details, since you can read that for yourself.

What I will do, is give you some of the highlights of what I’ve learned, where to look for more information (including actual science-y stuff), and some experiences and theories.

I’d love those of you who have done some of this to chime in with your own thoughts, as I find this an amazing area of study, and a constant fascination to me, and I have (so far) experienced this mostly from the female orgasm/male command side, although I am working on the other with mild success.

Cum on Command

Yes, I have experienced “COC” or cum on command.

Yes, it’s hot. Yes, it’s orgasm. Yes, it takes work for those who are not trained. Yes, it takes reinforcement.

Work? Reinforcement?

Yes. In other words, let’s say you have a new puppy.

WARNING: If you’re going to be offended or triggered by me equating human training, any kind of human training, with dog training, leave my writings now and never come back. I do it a lot, and I’m not going to stop.

Ok, back to the new puppy. You want to teach the puppy to sit. There are two ways to do this.

1. Wait for the puppy to site, mark and reward. The mark might be a click from a clicker, or a vocal marker, like “Yes!”

2. Make the puppy sit while giving the command, mark and reward.

Now, after some practice, you’ve taught your puppy to sit. BUT, if you don’t keep that training going, the puppy will soon learn it gets no reward, and will stop sitting.

And, you’ll also need to work on that sit in different scenarios and situations, so the puppy will sit anytime, anywhere you want, even with a big juicy steak on the ground before him or a rabbit running away.

Simple, right?

People are no different.

So, for an orgasm, you can wait until one occurs naturally, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally. Or, create an orgasm, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally and with more orgasm.

So, you now have the orgasm on command (after practice, of course). You will want to practice it in ever-different scenarios, to sink it in.

YAY!

Now, here’s where it gets kinda not-fun. If you then use that COC in situations where your partner might expect a more involved intimacy, instead of a verbal reaction, you may start to lose them. If you use it too often without reinforcing it with extra pleasure, you will start to lose them. If you use it just because you are pleased with yourself, and not for the good of your subject as well, you may start to lose them.

Make sense?

If not, ask. Moving on. smiles

How does it work?

Well, not absolutely sure about the specifics beyond behavioral conditioning, but science has shown repeatedly that orgasm is a brain thing.

Even more for women than for men, but also men can experience mental-only orgasm (think wet dreams).

Is there a name for these kinds of orgasms?

Hands-free, or ThinkOff is usually what I’ve heard them called.

For me, they are more like energy orgasms than anything, but different in some ways, too. It’s a warm butterscotch sauce filling me up and making me shudder nicely, sometimes violently.

How long or intense are these orgasms?

Well, a basic command may create an orgasm lasting a few seconds.

It can last longer, based on your training and effort, and can be extended made more intense with:

  • Physical contact/energy exchange. Skin-on-skin contact, a hand pulling hair, a bite.
  • Continued verbal encouragement, and additional commands.
  • Surrounding distractions.

What are other uses for COC?

Use in combination with other building orgasms, it can enhance vaginal Os, clitoral Os, breast Os, etc. And also help train other areas. I have this spot on my shoulder…

It’s my belief that sexuality is not just physical, it is physiologial/mental. It is so easy for a mental pattern or hiccup to cause loss of orgasm or sexual desire that using a mental pathway (or shortcut) like coc is a good way to allow a woman to feel orgasms once more. Or use it to open up pathways that have not been explored before like breast or anal orgasms.

For me, although I have always been orgasmic, even multi, COC deepens and adds to the potential feelings during orgasm as well as during other non-sexually-charged states.

What are the upsides for the COC-ee?

It feels DAMN good, and makes grocery shopping (laundry, commuting – public transport, a boring movie, of course – nights alone) soooo much more fun!

A side effect of this kind of training, when you are complicit and aware, is that you learn more about your own orgasms, can connect more deeply to them, and can find yourself more easily triggered, causing deeper orgasms more quickly, or even orgasms from memories of hot times spent together.

It’s a very good side effect.

What are the downsides for the COC-ee?

Well, ANYTIME you give control of yourself, in any way, to another, you run a risk, even if it’s only heartache, right?

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What are the upsides for the COC-er?

It’s deliciously powerful. There is an energy exchange when they release, shudder and quiver at your merest suggestion that you get back.

What are the downsides for the COC-er?

It’s a lot of work. And it takes patience. And your subject may fixate on you, because with this technique, you can tap into a well of sexual energy that you and they may have never felt before. And that shit is addicting.

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What is this science of which you speak? Or, how do I learn more?

EVERYONE interested in female sexuality and physiology should read Vagina: A New Biography, by Naomi Wolf

David Shade does a lot of work with men on Hands Free and ThinkOff orgasms, through mild hypnosis, NLP and phone sex. He has a FREE CD. Here are a few direct links:

Give Her An Orgasm Over Text

Mindgasms – The Wildest Of All Dreams

Science Verifies Thinkoff

And David links to this article: Braingasm: Sex and Your Synapses, where there are even more links to related information.

FOXSexpert: What Kind of Orgasm Are You Having?

Understanding basic dog training and behavioral modification through positive reinforcement is awesome, from my view. Don’t Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training, by Karen Pryor and Excel-Erated Learning: Explaining in Plain English How Dogs Learn and How Best to Teach Them, by Pamela J. Reid

So, there you have it. It’s a start.

The original thread also had discussion on the power exchange aspect of COC and the ethics that go along with it.

Please feel free to chime in with your experiences or questions. The reason I write these things is to get feedback, new ideas to try, and learn what I can from ya’ll as well.

*smiles*

Sadism: Too Simple A Term

Sadism

So, I was talking on a kink site, the way I do, and the topic turned to sewing. Since I have a fascination with sewing, I ran with it.

After some back and forth, I was called sweet again (which, I admit, I get a perverse pleasure from), because I was talking sewing on a kink site.

That reminded my of a scene I watched between D_S and l_b (they know who they are, I didn’t want to include their names without their permission) on Halloween, where he sewed a lovely pink zipper to her goody bits, making them zip and unzip.

I said:

Hand-stitched. Not very even stitches, but then, she was wiggling around and the blood made the skin slippery, so I think he can be forgiven.
So, there… I’m not that sweet. I watched that scene and all it’s blood with a huge grin on my face.

Just being me, not thinking much of it. He replied:

You’ve never mentioned you were a sadist.

Which gave me pause. Am I? Of course, being the word geek that I am, I had to look up sadism, and found this:

sa·dist

noun

  • Psychiatry. a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

Which led to this:

sa·dism

noun

  • Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on causing pain or degradation to others. Compare masochism.
  • any enjoyment in being cruel.
  • extreme cruelty.

So, no. I’m not that. I am not about being cruel for cruelty’s sake. My sexual gratification does not depend on pain or suffering, either. It is merely a facet of what I do—a very small facet.

I enjoy torment, but only when THEY enjoy torment. The sweet energy that flows. The tears, the amazing connection. The bits of body leaking out.

I don’t like to cause pain. I like to cause desire and feel connection.

All of that was in that scene.

So, I write this for two reasons.

ONE
Because I wanted to let the players know just how much I enjoyed watching them, and still think about it.

TWO
Because I’m curious about you all define the word sadist in terms of your kink. Not just yourself, but in those you interact with, what you think when you see someone self-identify as a sadist, or what you mean when you call someone a sadist within the boundaries of this kink that we do.

Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part 5

The words: Forced Bitchyness - Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™

In which I fail to see the value in a stranger’s orgasmayzingness.

I have been a Dom for 20 years and do like to switch.
Hi,
have you experienced true multiple orgasms, so many you lose count, start squirting and can actually pass out from them, if you want? This is like 75 orgasms in 30 minutes. I can give you these 3 different ways. Most guys or lesbians even, do not realize, this level of ecstacy exists for their lover. Some women have them naturally but very few, the rest can be taught. The easiest way for me anymore, is orally. There are certain spots I hit with my fingers and tongue, that will drive you bonkers. There is also a massage they use in the orient to teach a woman true multiples, that I have added a lot to, if the oral doesn’t work and actually I have made women pass out on the phone.

Continue reading “Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part 5”

Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part I

The words: Forced Bitchyness - Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™

I can’t help it, Master. Your powerful words make me a total bitch for you to use for your self-humiliation pleasure.

I don’t want to do it. I’ve dreaded this deep desire in me for my whole life, but for you, because you are powerful and you show me the meaning of TwooMastery™, I will bow before you and release the inner bitch just dying to be set free into the world.

Only for you would I ever.

No, of course not, I would never, ever on my own! That is so filthy for you to suggest. It’s just when you approach me with your Masterly words, I feel my insides start to tremble with need. Continue reading “Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part I”

Why it’s not just semantics.

The words: Semantics Matter above a woman holding a kitty cat. The words below say: Katherine was absolutely certain that her newly shorn pussy would be the hit of the party.

So, I’ve long been a fan of the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, even before I knew it was an actual thing.

Linguistic Relativity on Wikipedia

I used to think I was going to study languages and etymology when I went to school. I bought my very own copy of the OED when I was 14, and love that book.

So, the Sapir-Whorf in basic terms is that the words you use shape your world, your actions and your thoughts.

This is one reason I have a habit of saying, “XXX and YYY are not the same. That’s why we have different words for them.” Some people retort, “That’s just semantics.”

I couldn’t disagree more.

For, example, on another discussion today, I asked about the poster’s definitions of angry and upset, and if he believes they are different.

I do.

Very different.

But if he does not, then he has limited two potential states to just one, and can only react within his own perceived reality.

I first hear about this outside of my own head listening to Anthony Robbins. He spoke of how many people recycle the same 5-10 emotions every day, which limited their world possibilities and set them into unhealthy and dull patterns.

So, instead of angry (which most people understand as a concept from kindergarten), you could be:

  • frustrated
  • annoyed
  • peeved
  • furious
  • upset
  • discombobulated
  • mad
  • cross
  • vexed
  • irked
  • irritated

And so on.

And you definitions of the severity and degree and actions that go with could be different, therefore putting a completely different spin on a scenario.

Let’s say your SO does something that would normally make you angry. How would you react if you were instead merely irked? Or if it made you furious?

Different than angry?

For me, they are very different.

And it’s powerful knowing I have a better understanding of my emotional states than the typical 6 year-old. grins

So, the other day, I ran across this:

Video about Sapir-Whorf and how it applies to sexual behavior, sense of direction and finances.

Which shows just how powerful this concept it.

So, I propose that the phrase “That’s just semantics,” be stricken forever from our lexicon and be replaced with as many different conceptual words as we can fit into our heads, in order to define the world better for ourselves and to communicate better with those around us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.