I Love You (When You’re Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships

Fingers holding a scrap of paper with the handwritten words, "To Me You're Perfect."

It’s an easy trap to fall into, to focus on the good in everyone.

It seems like the right thing to do.

See the good bits, focus on the happy times, let the negative stuff or “bad emotions” slide on by.

I see a lot of this in my friends, and I’ve seen it in myself as well.

It’s a societal thing:

Fetishization of the positive.

By focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative (except when it rears it’s ugly head and barfs in our Cheerios, demanding to be noticed, making us yell and fight and scream, until we can shove it back into it’s dark little cage in the corner and lock it back up, to be ignored…until the next blowup), we are teaching the people around us that they are not loved for who they are.

Continue reading “I Love You (When You’re Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships”

“I Don’t Do Drama.”

A heavily theatrical woman with a speech bubble saying. "I Don't Do Drama."

Of course you do.

Everyone does.

We all do it, and maybe you only do it when it’s YOUR drama (because of course it’s not drama, then, right?), but you do drama.

And when that is a major point to a person’s profile or communication, it actually has the opposite of its intent with me.

I see/hear that and I immediately think that anyone who feels a need to say those things is probably immersed in their own self-involved mental dramatics, and has no regard for whatever anyone else is going through, dismissing it with “I don’t do drama.”

Quit trying to make everyone think you are superior.

No one believes it, anyway.

Let’s Debate: Is This OK?

Lying

I read this article A few months ago:

8 Lies I Tell My Husband (That Actually Make Our Marriage Stronger): Sometimes lying is far kinder than telling the absolute truth.

I also read the comments that went with it in the post I saw on FB, and they were sharply divided on whether or not she was doing the right thing.

If you don’t feel like reading the whole article, she justified the following lies:

1. “The sex was mind-blowing.”

It’s a “lie back and leave him to it” sort of situation… Marital harmony is worth a few white lies about his sexual prowess. Continue reading “Let’s Debate: Is This OK?”

I Don’t Judge How Another Loves Me

I Don't Judge How Another Loves Me

I am loved. By many.

Not loved or even disliked by many as well, but that doesn’t really matter much to me.

I am blessed. Or lucky. Or valuable enough. Or whatever it takes for me to receive an abundance of love. And whatever it is, I’m glad of it.

There was a time when I was not living in an abundance of love.

And it sucked.

I didn’t know it sucked. Or I didn’t know why it sucked, since I’d always been a bit of a loner, thanks to my ASPD. But I knew something was missing. I just didn’t have the skills to know exactly what that was.

And I did not feel loved, at least by my then-husband, the primary person in my life.

When we finally split up, and people asked me what happened, I said, “He didn’t love me as much as he loved to drink.”

I was wrong.

Not wrong on whether he loved me or not. I don’t really know how much he loved me then—the communication was broken, the addiction and manipulation and theft all got in the way of whatever we had.

I was wrong to judge his love for me.

People who love show and don’t show their love in many different ways. And their love can be blocked or hidden from expression by factors beyond their control, like alcoholism, mental illness, insecurity…

I don’t judge how another loves me. I do judge how I am shown.

It’s not whether you love/like me or not. It’s how you show me that you do.

It’s not whether I love/like you or not. It’s whether you FEEL that from me.

And so, again, it all boils down to communication. Can I transmit my feeling for you, to you? Can I make sure you understand? Can I do it in a way that you feel the maximum effect?

Right now, I feel love from many people in my life. And I’m thankful for that. I hope they, in turn, feel the same from me, in whatever capacity we connect.

Image by Gellinger on Pixabay

Real Dominants Don’t… He Said To Me

Image of a happily maybe orgasmic woman with the words: "When you get a taste of a real dominant, the rest of the world never really tastes the same. And: "Do 'real' dominants taste different from other humans? Huh. *licks self* I can't tell."

“Real dominants don’t ask the opinions of others.”

“Real dominants don’t allow questions from their submissive.”

“Real dominants don’t accept limits or requirements from anyone.”

“Real dominants don’t have sex with their submissives, or other dominants, or love anyone, ever.”

“Real dominants don’t do anything but what they want to do.”

“Real dominants just KNOW.”

“Once a submissive can place requirements on a dominant, can ask questions, or change their mind, the submissive is in charge, and the dominant is not a real dominant.”

I checked the profile again. Yup, submissive.

Irony, meet submissive. Submissive, meet irony. I think you two have a lot to talk about.

Why I Am Kind To Idiots…

An image of words: “Becoming aware of privilege should not be viewed as a burden or source of guilt, but rather, an opportunity to learn and be responsible so that we may work toward a more just and inclusive world.” One section urges those who are “white,” “male,” “Christian,” “cisgender,” “able-bodied,” and/or “heterosexual” to “check your privilege,” which it defines as “unearned access to social power based on membership in a dominant social group.”

A friend of mine posted on FB a little rant about education:

There are a ton of memes that get passed around about how school didn’t teach me about taxes or mortgages but I learned geometry and chemistry.

Ask yourself two questions if you see these and feel like they have a point.

1. Did you at least learn to read in school? I presume yes, if you’re reading this. We usually learn this pretty early in school.

2. Did your school and town have libraries? I also presume yes, because I grew up in ass-backwards bayou land and we had libraries. Even better if you have the internet.

So if you answer yes to both of those – the only reason you don’t learn anything you want to know is because you CHOOSE not to.

Don’t blame anyone but yourself.

Which, on the surface, is easy to agree with, especially if, like me, you are intellectually privileged.

Let’s take kink for example.

As a woman in kink, I deal with idiots every day. Multiple times a day. People who wouldn’t recognize a clue if you stuck a name tag on it and waved it in put it two inches in front of their nose.

And I’m (mostly) kind to them.

Even when they are nasty/mean to me.

Although sometimes, I do feel like stretching my bitchy muscles and giving them a wallop with a snarky clue-by-four. And when I do that, I often take it one step further and share it publicly.

But, most of the time I am kind.

Why? Why, if they are responsible for their own learning?

Well, because I know I’m privileged:

1. I’m bright. High IQ.
2. I was taught at a young age HOW to learn things beyond my personal experiences, and more importantly why.
3. Number 2 was encouraged at home, too.
4. READING was a major thing. Required, encouraged, and provided for.
5. I grew up in a VERY open-minded household (kinky people everywhere).
6. I’ve been in kink almost 25 years, now.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks…

This saying has a basis in reality.

I trained dogs for 22 years. When working with puppies, the thing that was most critical was teaching them how to learn, to open up as many pathways as possible in their brains to taking in information. To play in many different ways, meet many different people, etc.

Once dogs were older, and had not been exposed to much, it was a much more difficult process (8 years of rescue and rehab).

People are similar. Our brains learn to learn, and when we are younger, that is easier—we don’t have the entrenched highway systems blocking local paths and roads trying to be built…

It’s not impossible.

Just more difficult.

Add to that the ignorance of NEEDING to learn (after all, this is actively discouraged in many cultures—getting too big for the proverbial britches), and you have a serious disadvantage created for many people.

Because many people, despite their kinks and fetishes and needs are raised in ways that don’t encourage a whole hell of a lot of introspection and DO encourage a great deal of casting blame on “people not like us.”

Yes, they are still responsible for their behavior. They just don’t have the experience or understanding or skills to do much about it.

IN THIS AREA.

Because most of these idiots are anything but.

It’s a case of topic-specific idiocy.

These idiots are lawyers, and doctors, and business people. They are charming in their daily lives, and get along with people. They might even be good-looking and successful.

But they have no idea how to handle themselves in kink.

They are nervous. Afraid, even. And defensive.

BUT, some of them turn around. And grow. And provide amazing value to the people around them, while enjoying happier lives.

And if I can help, if I can provide the turning point, the inspiration, the clue, I’ll do it. Because I have the energy and the resources.

And so, I’m kind.

At least most of the time.

That Door? It’s There For You To Leave.

A venn diagram with two circles overlapping. And arrow pointing to the overlap says, "The sweet spot for friendship, love, romance, sexytimes, etc."

I believe in making it easy for people to step out of my life.

If they don’t want to be here with me, they shouldn’t be forced to.

By making it easy to leave, I like to think that it takes away the resentment that comes along with being stuck, and gives us the chance to really dig in and make things happen, with a worst case scenario being “Well, it’s easy to leave.”

And frankly, if someone does not want to be with me, I don’t want them there.

Or rather, I don’t want to force them there. I may want them, of course. Heck, I want a lot of things, but if I learn they don’t want me or like me as much as I like or want them, I don’t want them as hard anymore. Because part of a turn on for me is being liked and wanted. And that’s the sweet spot for me.

It’s about two people. Two sides. A door that goes both in and out.

And if you’re not ready to leave, but we’re not in the sweet spot? I’m cool with that, too. Let’s find another kind of relationship, where we are both on the same page, enjoying what we have together, in the sweet spot.

But if you’re wanting more than I do, and you won’t stop pushing me, or if you give me an ultimatum, or if you want me to chase you to validate your feelings, or whatever?

That’s what that door is there for. Use it.

Yes, Your Feelings Are Absolutely Valid. Period. Full Stop.

A cute hedgehog saying, "Your feelings are valid, important, and deserve to be taken seriously. You are worthy and you deserve to be happy and healthy."

Your feelings are valid.

So are theirs.

Everyone’s feelings are valid.

Their behavior and actions may be unreasonable, even reprehensible. Their feelings are not. Same with yours.

Your feelings, your sadness, your anger, your frustrations—these are all valid.

Let me say that again:

Your feelings, your sadness, your anger, your frustrations—these are all valid.

Using your feelings to bully or silence others. Using them to justify belittling others. Using them as a weapon against others…

Well, that’s just bullshit.

CC: Emm Roy

How do you trust?

How Do You Trust?

“My favorite definition of trust, which I read in a novel years ago: Trust is the residue of kept agreements.” —Jay Wiseman

This resonates with me, yet I find it lacking. I find trustworthy people inherently trust more. Whose agreements? Mine or theirs?

Because there are people I immediately do not trust. Call it intuition, snap judgment, whatever you want. And keeping an agreement will not really change that. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever changed my mind about trusting someone I who struck me as untrustworthy when I first met them. Continue reading “How do you trust?”