Of COURSE I Lie!

Of Course I Lie

I lie. I have written quite a few pieces about lying, and how it’s really just not acceptable, and people say to me, “But everyone lies,” like that is the perfect defense for lying.

It’s not.

“But you lie, Nookie! You just said so. Right up there! ^^^^”

Yes, you are right. I do lie.

I have never met a human that doesn’t lie sometimes. EVER. I have met humans that SAY they never lie. My experience with them proved otherwise every time. In fact, that seems to be the biggest lie of all.

I am, however, a recovering pathological liar, someone who compulsively told lies or fabricated information out of habit.

It was easy for me.

Now, I find lying in most ways to be very difficult. I’m terrible at it. People laugh at me.

Except in a few areas.

The Tall Tale

Oh, do I love to spin yarns! I love to tell stories, and use them as examples when I teach and to entertain. I use hyperbole. Often and on purpose, to make my points. This is a form of lying, as I’m not being 100% truthful in implying that maybe something is greater than it is. And it’s generally accepted as OK. But it’s still a lie, and I use it unrepentantly.

The Dramatization

I believe in drama. I use the word drama, despite knowing that people are hurt by it, because it perfectly describes a healthy part of human interaction. Drama, like hyperbole, can be a way to connect with those around you and with your own feelings.

I overdramatize a small pain, like soreness and stiffness from my workouts, to connect with people and make them laugh, while also showing how flawed I am. In fact, I said to someone one day that I often think I workout, JUST to have something to really complain about, because overall, my life is fucking amazing.

I do the same thing with lots of little things. I overdramatize them, I wallow in them, I share my misery, how. furious I am… All to the effect of highlighting to myself (and those I share this with) that I love life, and this too, shall pass.

The Take-Back

I mentor some people, and I lie to them. I say something incredibly shocking that has the potential of being true related to whatever point I want to make, I let it sink in, possibly even discuss it, then I take it back.

Most often, this is done in two ways: In a story, like the tall tale mentioned above, or in playing out a valid belief or stance I don’t personally take, to illustrate. I will say that it’s not mine, but I will spin it. Since it’s not mine, I am lying about the actual motivations/results/whatever, because I have no honest experience.

The Joke

My ex-husband said over and over that I had no sense of humor. It was one of the ways he manipulated and abused me.

And I’ll be honest, I can hold about 4-5 jokes in my head at one time, so I never have a joke to tell.

And I don’t have a comic’s brain. I just don’t think that way.

But I can lie to create humor.

I call @selene73 “The worst Personal Assistant ever,” because it is a lie, it makes us both laugh, it shocks others (especially when she’s standing next to me), and it is a constant reminder to her of her own journey of self-improvement.

Is she the worst PA ever? No, of course not. Although any PA who has to ask the boss “What are WE supposed to be doing on such-and-such date?” needs to brush up their skills. don’t you think?

LOL!

The Non-Answer

This is the biggie. All the others up there are perfectly welcome in my life, and part of me. This one… not so much.

The non-answer. Someone asks a question, and I answer the question’s words, but not their intent, because I feel uncomfortable.

When Pet and I first met, and we started with poly and cuckolding, I’d just had two relationships for a total of 20 years of my life. that were supposed to be. open and honest and poly, but included accusations of cheating and slutting around (I have never cheated in my life—never saw the point), so I was gun shy.

I was sure it was just another trap.

So, he would ask if I liked someone, a new man I was talking to, and I’d say that I had concerns about XYZ.

Which was true.

But that’s not what he wanted to know. He wanted to know if I felt chemistry, excitement, interest in a sexual or romantic way.

And that terrified me. So I lied by telling the truth and not answering the question.

This is a VERY difficult habit to break, and I’m working on breaking it by IMMEDIATELY answering the question fully to it’s spirit as soon as I realize.

I’ve gotten much better. I’m not perfect, yet.

Yes, I lie.

I admit it.

That does not stop the damage of lies in relationships.

It does not change that I feel lies are a submissive behavior. (To clarify, I don’t mean the behavior of submissives.)

It does not change that I am doing my best to be as honest as possible at all times with my words, deeds and intentions.

And that I want my friends to know that they can count on me for the truth.

So, when people respond on one of my writings about lies that even I lie, I say, “Of COURSE I lie. Everyone I know lies. That doesn’t make it right.”

That’s like saying that over 1,000,000 people bought Justin Bieber’s last album, so that proves he’s a great musician.

Previous Writings About Lies

NookieNote’s Collection Of Writings About Lies

Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Totally Fucking Up

Anything Worth Doing

Oh, sure… I’m sure you expected that old saw, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.”

Duh.

Of course it is.

One of my mottos is:

Win, or fail spectacularly.

I’ve found, though, that few people really consider what it means to fail spectacularly.

So, I’m here to tell you. Because I’m not an expert in lots, but I’m an expert in failing spectacularly.

  • I dropped out of HS in my sophomore year.
  • I married a man who would emotionally abuse me AND become a manipulative addict, stealing much of what I’d saved right out of our shared accounts, even selling my stuff for more money.
  • I started a new business with two partners, committed everything and LOST IT ALL, everything, ended up living out of my car.
  • I am currently failing at meeting every deadline I set for myself in the development of my new project.

And I’m happy.

Because what I’m working on now is worth totally fucking up on, over and over, because when it’s right, it will be freaking fantastic. Amazing. Magical.

But before then, I’m going to lose money (mine and others’), stress out, get more grey hairs, scream out of sheer frustration, feel hopeless and useless, shame myself for not knowing everything I think I should know, make boneheaded fucking moves, gain weight because I’m not taking care of myself, hurt my neck staring at a computer for too long…

But let’s not even talk about me.

Let’s talk about kink.

Last night, in Fayetteville, I gave a BDSM Basics talk. And I talked about The Four Kinds Of Kinksters, and I mentioned the third kind of kinkster:

People who admit they don’t know all the kinky things, and let that paralyze them…

And I met a guy like this a few weeks ago.

Gorgeous.

Sexy AF.

VERY interested in kink.

Wanted to learn to be dominant.

SOOOOO enthusiastic. Always up in my messages.

Until he stumbled once. Then, it was all:

“Oh, maybe I’m not cut out for this. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not meant to be a dominant. I don’t know this stuff.”

And so now, he’s paralyzed. Not because he doesn’t want it. He does.

Because he doesn’t want to totally fuck up.

And I told him the secret, that EVERY SINGLE DOMINANT EVER Has totally fucked up. More than once. Probably more than a thousand times.

(In fact, I could make that about every single human, but this is about kink.)

The difference is that we know that being willing to fuck it all up is part of our commitment. Part of knowing it’s worth doing is knowing we’re going to look like idiots, and feel like fools, and do twatwaffle things along the way to getting better and earning trust and getting blowjobs on command.

The thing is, of course it’s worth doing well. We’d do a hell of a lot more things if we knew we’d do them well.

But what things are worth it to you to fail over and over and over again? To totally fuck up?

“Responsible? Consent? Safe? How Boring!”

How Boring

So, I was having a conversation.

In fact, I’ve had hundreds of similar conversations. But I was having this one conversation about hypnosis with a submissive who has fantasies of consensual-nonconsent with hypnotic commands.

They asked if I’d hypnotize and seduce them without them realizing.

I replied that I currently prefer more overt and consensual hypnotism scenes and methods.

They said that it’s still consensual. They consent.

I replied that consent to me requires 3 things:

1. Enthusiasm (They have this!)
2. Understanding (They have NO idea what I can do with hypnotism and behavior modification.)
3. Competence (missing #2, and being hypnotized rules out #3).

They said well, let’s just discuss what you would do to me.

I replied that I don’t engage in that kind of fantasy.

That the human mind is an amazing, unique thing of beauty, and I prefer to get to know people well before playing in their heads, so that not only can I make the most out of what I do, but that that I am doing what’s best for my bottoms/submissives.

That I am not a one-size-fits-all dominant or person.

They said, “All sounds very safe and responsible…”

And they didn’t respond again.

As I said, this is not the first conversation I’ve had like this.

With people who think that consent is not sexy. Safety is boring. Being responsible steals the fun.

I find that so odd.

I see no desirable power in making someone do what they don’t want to do.

I see A LOT of sexy, desirable power in my partners consciously wanting all the crazy perverted, depraved things I can do to them…

…and one of the main keys here is ME, all of me, who I am, my mind, my wickedness…

…enough to consciously crave them, communicate them, beg for them, and work with me to get them.

Responsible? Consent? Safe? How fucking sexy! Yes, please.

Mistakes Were Made: The Drama Unfurls

The Drama Unfurls

Those in the know, know. Those who are not can still benefit from this writing, if they choose.

The Background

Someone local hurt three other local someones. Badly. Non-consent, lying, stealthing.

The details that have gotten around vary on degrees and details. Very few people excused the accused, some defended them based on relative harm and extenuating circumstances. It is generally accepted wrong was done.

The accused was asked to stay away from a local event for a time, because the accusers attended that event regularly, and they deserve a safe space.

The Event

The accused was invited by parties unaware of the details to a special occasion held at the local event.

The accused went, along with some close friends working to help them learn better.

It caused an uproar, as one of the accusers was there, and was shocked and hurt and upset. The organizer was completely disregarded, and the community is taking sides, boiling pitch, and sharpening pitchforks.

How Could This Have Been Avoided?

I’ve discussed this and talked it over with quite a few people. Here are my thoughts:

  • The accused could have said to the uninvolved parties, “I prefer not to attend that event, because reasons, and I’ll be happy to get together with you privately to celebrate.”
  • The accused could have publicly RSVP’d.
  • The accused could have contacted the event organizer, and could have been told, “No, you are not yet welcome.”
  • The accused could have contacted the event organizer, and could have been told, “Yes. Let me contact your accusers and tell them that for this event only, you will be attending for a special occasion, and they can choose to attend or not, as they choose, with foreknowledge.”
  • The accused could have contacted their accusers, and explained, and organized directly (not my favorite idea, but better than nothing).

So, there were a number of things that could have reduced or avoided drama AND put everyone on the side of good ethical practices.

Now, I’m not saying that anyone is the monster here. It is a big shit storm that has caused drama, hurt and lots of frustration.

Perhaps this can help another situation from blowing up in the future.

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

The words "little white lies" in white overlaying a mushroom cloud.

I suggest this:

“Little white lies” are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let’s take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

You answer “They look awesome on you,” even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans. Continue reading “Lies, Damned Lies And Consent”

Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

If you are in a relationship, rest assured that your behavior will be modified.

It’s gonna happen.

I tell people this at the beginning of my behavior modification classes all the time.

So, if it’s gonna happen, it’s better to understand what it is, at least for yourself. Even better if you can understand how your actions and responses modify behavior in others.

EXAMPLE:

Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever been in a relationship where a very specific topic, when brought up, always creates a shitstorm argument? Continue reading “Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)”

No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure: The Orgasm Gap

Orgasm Gap

I’ll admit, I still don’t get the Orgasm Gap thing, even though I’ve written about it before.

In this post, the quote I picked up on was:

“According to both the books I’ve read on it, the orgasm gap exists primarily because our culture still overvalues penile pleasure and undervalues clitoral pleasure. “

What does culture have to do with when you are in bed with someone?

I mean, you may overvalue penile pleasure (and for me, there is a LOT to be valued), while I value my clitoral pleasure a great deal. Continue reading “No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure: The Orgasm Gap”

“The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.”

A crumpled piece of paper with the word "rubbish" written on it.

I mean, it’s kind of the point that the sub doesn’t have all the power. They don’t want it. They specifically want to give that up!

Seriously.

Who thinks up this drivel, and speeches it out like gospel so that new kinkies take it to heart and pass it on?

I’m in danger of spraining my optic nerve every time I read that drivel from some internet gobshite, due to my extreme eye roll.

STOP SAYING THAT.

Now.

Please.

And in case your logic centers are not firing, because you’re too excited for those NYE parties coming in a few hours, let me logic this out for you.

Continue reading ““The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.””

The Four Kinds Of Kinkster

The Four Kinds of Kinkster

1. The kinkster who pretends to know all the kinky things for any variety of reasons (superiority, authority, power, etc.) but don’t actually know what they are doing.

2. Those who actually believe they know all the kinky things but are completely wrong.

3. People who admit they don’t know all the kinky things, and let that paralyze them because they believe types 1 and 2 are being truthful.

4. Kinksters who are ok admitting they don’t know all the kinky things and just get on with it anyway.

I prefer the last kind.

*smiles*