I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie

Slut Shaming

So, now and again, I post ads on CL. For dates, to meet new people, bulls, heck, I even buy and sell things sometimes.

I recently posted an ad. I described myself:

I am super-smart and interested in your mind as much as your body. I’m good at sex and sensuality and believe there is more to a successful encounter than a grab for the genitals.

I am polyamorous. I am also very selective.

I am bi-sexual, feminine, and driven. I prefer my sex with a side of connection, and a hint (sometimes more) of kink.

I’m moderately attractive. Some think I’m beautiful. I’m curvy, a US size 8-10.

I am a woman who likes to take charge. What does this mean to you? It means you can be yourself. Strong, capable, loving, aggressive, successful… and you can be mine. 100% devoted and rewarded for it with deep intimacy, powerful love, and amazing sex.

I got 137 replies before I turned the ad off. Yeah… pretty much par for the course, if it doesn’t get flagged by people I’ve rejected. LOL! Continue reading “I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie”

No Regrets

No Regrets

If I have ONE rule in relationships—kinky relationships, PE relationships, vanilla relationships, any kind of relationships—it’s ‘No Regrets.’

Now, I don’t mean doing something, then afterwards having to slap the “no regrets” label on.

I mean take every step in a relationship knowing that if it were to end tomorrow, or 5 minutes from now, or a year from now, that you would have No Regrets.

And when I say, No Regrets, I mean No Regrets if he tells you he never loved you. No Regrets if you find out she was cheating on you. No Regrets if you find out he stole all that you have. No Regrets if she tells you that you have a small dick, and she’s never enjoyed sex with you.

Seriously. No Regrets.

And it’s simple. Not easy, not at all easy, but simple.

Continue reading “No Regrets”

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Unused references are like spilled milk.

Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them. Continue reading “References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!”

The Desire Of Humiliation

A black and white image of Pet nuzzling my neck as I smile.

This piece was written by my Pet for me.

It seems my humiliation is becoming a theme with my Queen and I. I have this burning desire for it. I’m not able to clearly define it. It pokes at me. It claws at me. It wants to drag me in deep. It stimulates my sexually creative mind.

I want it. I want to experience it’s depth. I want to go down this dark hole. I want my Queen to take my hand and lead me into this darkness. I trust her… Then I want her to push me in! Take me to the deep end. Test me. Taunt me. Push her limits as she pushes mine.

I give you my hand my Queen. You can always pull me out and to your breast if I get to deep.

Poly Relationships: “Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

Poly Relationships

So, I’m doing some professional-level procrastinating right now, and TheFerret popped up in my feed with this piece on poly relationships:

“Why Are You Poly People Always Yammering On About Polyamory?” (link to FetLife, requires sign-in)

I read it. And agreed, then went on to the comments, where I saw this:


What I hate is that every non kinky platform where I might mention the possibility that I’m not monogomous its always assumed disaster will occur.

Which got me thinking about something, so I popped over here to write a short piece quickly. Because, you know, I have work to do…

Anyway, my point is simple. I hear this a lot (or something like it):

“Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

My response:

Most of the RELATIONSHIPS you know fail. I mean, really. How many of those monogamous relationships you and your friends have had have really lasted a lifetime?

Yeah. It’s called dating because not every relationship will last a lifetime.

And they are not all meant to.

Even marriages in the monogamous world don’t last forever. 53% of marriages end in divorce. (1) If you look at relationships in totality, the average number of years a relationship will last is 2.14/2.05 (male/female), though relationship length ranged from 1 to 108 months (9 years). (2)

So, there you have it. Numbers n’shit.

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography
(2) http://kinseyconfidential.org/womens-sexual-desire-declines-time-men/

Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More

Topping From The Bottom

The term “topping from the bottom” is thrown about by Won Twoo Wayists the way that “Did you find everything you were looking for?” is tossed out by grocery store check clerks, and with the sneering disdain usually reserved for the ‘poor, unaware vanillas.’

Submissives and slaves are told, “You’re topping from the bottom. You’re not a real ______!”

But why?

What is this ‘topping from the bottom’, and why is it so heinous a crime?

Let’s rip this shit open!

Urban Dictionary defines topping from the bottom as:

In its basic, literal sense, it means exactly what it says. The person on the bottom is leading the top, thus technically topping from the bottom.

The person on the bottom (submissive/slave) is leading.

Oh mi godz, the horrors!

Continue reading “Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More”

How Do I Say…?

How Do I Say?

I cannot think of a single word, or series of words, no matter how long, that will convey everything I have inside my heart and my head for you.

Except one.

Our entire existence. From the moment we met. THAT is how I tell you all I want to say. My every look. My every action.

From that single moment, until the end of the future. My words and actions. For you.

That is my definition of love. My definition of adore, when it comes to you. I hope it is enough.

Image by Nietjuh on Pixabay

COC – Cum on Command – A Few Thoughts

Cum On Command

So, a few months back, I participated in a conversation about “cum on command” here (FetLife login-protected link).

This is something I and my ex-partner and I practiced early in our relationship, and I had done quite a bit of research on, and have taught to others, and given suggested reading, and so on and so on.

And let me state for the record, I LOVE IT! IT’S FUN!

So, I felt like I really had something to say about the subject.

And still do.

In fact, as I noted in another note I posted, I have recently experienced some real breakthroughs in mental/energy play that bring me again back to this. I may have to write about those at some point, when they re not so deep to me.

Now, in that thread, there is a lot of back and forth between myself and a few others, mostly one person. I won’t bore you with the details, since you can read that for yourself.

What I will do, is give you some of the highlights of what I’ve learned, where to look for more information (including actual science-y stuff), and some experiences and theories.

I’d love those of you who have done some of this to chime in with your own thoughts, as I find this an amazing area of study, and a constant fascination to me, and I have (so far) experienced this mostly from the female orgasm/male command side, although I am working on the other with mild success.

Cum on Command

Yes, I have experienced “COC” or cum on command.

Yes, it’s hot. Yes, it’s orgasm. Yes, it takes work for those who are not trained. Yes, it takes reinforcement.

Work? Reinforcement?

Yes. In other words, let’s say you have a new puppy.

WARNING: If you’re going to be offended or triggered by me equating human training, any kind of human training, with dog training, leave my writings now and never come back. I do it a lot, and I’m not going to stop.

Ok, back to the new puppy. You want to teach the puppy to sit. There are two ways to do this.

1. Wait for the puppy to site, mark and reward. The mark might be a click from a clicker, or a vocal marker, like “Yes!”

2. Make the puppy sit while giving the command, mark and reward.

Now, after some practice, you’ve taught your puppy to sit. BUT, if you don’t keep that training going, the puppy will soon learn it gets no reward, and will stop sitting.

And, you’ll also need to work on that sit in different scenarios and situations, so the puppy will sit anytime, anywhere you want, even with a big juicy steak on the ground before him or a rabbit running away.

Simple, right?

People are no different.

So, for an orgasm, you can wait until one occurs naturally, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally. Or, create an orgasm, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally and with more orgasm.

So, you now have the orgasm on command (after practice, of course). You will want to practice it in ever-different scenarios, to sink it in.


Now, here’s where it gets kinda not-fun. If you then use that COC in situations where your partner might expect a more involved intimacy, instead of a verbal reaction, you may start to lose them. If you use it too often without reinforcing it with extra pleasure, you will start to lose them. If you use it just because you are pleased with yourself, and not for the good of your subject as well, you may start to lose them.

Make sense?

If not, ask. Moving on. smiles

How does it work?

Well, not absolutely sure about the specifics beyond behavioral conditioning, but science has shown repeatedly that orgasm is a brain thing.

Even more for women than for men, but also men can experience mental-only orgasm (think wet dreams).

Is there a name for these kinds of orgasms?

Hands-free, or ThinkOff is usually what I’ve heard them called.

For me, they are more like energy orgasms than anything, but different in some ways, too. It’s a warm butterscotch sauce filling me up and making me shudder nicely, sometimes violently.

How long or intense are these orgasms?

Well, a basic command may create an orgasm lasting a few seconds.

It can last longer, based on your training and effort, and can be extended made more intense with:

  • Physical contact/energy exchange. Skin-on-skin contact, a hand pulling hair, a bite.
  • Continued verbal encouragement, and additional commands.
  • Surrounding distractions.

What are other uses for COC?

Use in combination with other building orgasms, it can enhance vaginal Os, clitoral Os, breast Os, etc. And also help train other areas. I have this spot on my shoulder…

It’s my belief that sexuality is not just physical, it is physiologial/mental. It is so easy for a mental pattern or hiccup to cause loss of orgasm or sexual desire that using a mental pathway (or shortcut) like coc is a good way to allow a woman to feel orgasms once more. Or use it to open up pathways that have not been explored before like breast or anal orgasms.

For me, although I have always been orgasmic, even multi, COC deepens and adds to the potential feelings during orgasm as well as during other non-sexually-charged states.

What are the upsides for the COC-ee?

It feels DAMN good, and makes grocery shopping (laundry, commuting – public transport, a boring movie, of course – nights alone) soooo much more fun!

A side effect of this kind of training, when you are complicit and aware, is that you learn more about your own orgasms, can connect more deeply to them, and can find yourself more easily triggered, causing deeper orgasms more quickly, or even orgasms from memories of hot times spent together.

It’s a very good side effect.

What are the downsides for the COC-ee?

Well, ANYTIME you give control of yourself, in any way, to another, you run a risk, even if it’s only heartache, right?

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What are the upsides for the COC-er?

It’s deliciously powerful. There is an energy exchange when they release, shudder and quiver at your merest suggestion that you get back.

What are the downsides for the COC-er?

It’s a lot of work. And it takes patience. And your subject may fixate on you, because with this technique, you can tap into a well of sexual energy that you and they may have never felt before. And that shit is addicting.

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What is this science of which you speak? Or, how do I learn more?

EVERYONE interested in female sexuality and physiology should read Vagina: A New Biography, by Naomi Wolf

David Shade does a lot of work with men on Hands Free and ThinkOff orgasms, through mild hypnosis, NLP and phone sex. He has a FREE CD. Here are a few direct links:

Give Her An Orgasm Over Text

Mindgasms – The Wildest Of All Dreams

Science Verifies Thinkoff

And David links to this article: Braingasm: Sex and Your Synapses, where there are even more links to related information.

FOXSexpert: What Kind of Orgasm Are You Having?

Understanding basic dog training and behavioral modification through positive reinforcement is awesome, from my view. Don’t Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training, by Karen Pryor and Excel-Erated Learning: Explaining in Plain English How Dogs Learn and How Best to Teach Them, by Pamela J. Reid

So, there you have it. It’s a start.

The original thread also had discussion on the power exchange aspect of COC and the ethics that go along with it.

Please feel free to chime in with your experiences or questions. The reason I write these things is to get feedback, new ideas to try, and learn what I can from ya’ll as well.