COC – Cum on Command – A Few Thoughts

Cum On Command

So, a few months back, I participated in a conversation about “cum on command” here (FetLife login-protected link).

This is something I and my ex-partner and I practiced early in our relationship, and I had done quite a bit of research on, and have taught to others, and given suggested reading, and so on and so on.

And let me state for the record, I LOVE IT! IT’S FUN!

So, I felt like I really had something to say about the subject.

And still do.

In fact, as I noted in another note I posted, I have recently experienced some real breakthroughs in mental/energy play that bring me again back to this. I may have to write about those at some point, when they re not so deep to me.

Now, in that thread, there is a lot of back and forth between myself and a few others, mostly one person. I won’t bore you with the details, since you can read that for yourself.

What I will do, is give you some of the highlights of what I’ve learned, where to look for more information (including actual science-y stuff), and some experiences and theories.

I’d love those of you who have done some of this to chime in with your own thoughts, as I find this an amazing area of study, and a constant fascination to me, and I have (so far) experienced this mostly from the female orgasm/male command side, although I am working on the other with mild success.

Cum on Command

Yes, I have experienced “COC” or cum on command.

Yes, it’s hot. Yes, it’s orgasm. Yes, it takes work for those who are not trained. Yes, it takes reinforcement.

Work? Reinforcement?

Yes. In other words, let’s say you have a new puppy.

WARNING: If you’re going to be offended or triggered by me equating human training, any kind of human training, with dog training, leave my writings now and never come back. I do it a lot, and I’m not going to stop.

Ok, back to the new puppy. You want to teach the puppy to sit. There are two ways to do this.

1. Wait for the puppy to site, mark and reward. The mark might be a click from a clicker, or a vocal marker, like “Yes!”

2. Make the puppy sit while giving the command, mark and reward.

Now, after some practice, you’ve taught your puppy to sit. BUT, if you don’t keep that training going, the puppy will soon learn it gets no reward, and will stop sitting.

And, you’ll also need to work on that sit in different scenarios and situations, so the puppy will sit anytime, anywhere you want, even with a big juicy steak on the ground before him or a rabbit running away.

Simple, right?

People are no different.

So, for an orgasm, you can wait until one occurs naturally, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally. Or, create an orgasm, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally and with more orgasm.

So, you now have the orgasm on command (after practice, of course). You will want to practice it in ever-different scenarios, to sink it in.

YAY!

Now, here’s where it gets kinda not-fun. If you then use that COC in situations where your partner might expect a more involved intimacy, instead of a verbal reaction, you may start to lose them. If you use it too often without reinforcing it with extra pleasure, you will start to lose them. If you use it just because you are pleased with yourself, and not for the good of your subject as well, you may start to lose them.

Make sense?

If not, ask. Moving on. smiles

How does it work?

Well, not absolutely sure about the specifics beyond behavioral conditioning, but science has shown repeatedly that orgasm is a brain thing.

Even more for women than for men, but also men can experience mental-only orgasm (think wet dreams).

Is there a name for these kinds of orgasms?

Hands-free, or ThinkOff is usually what I’ve heard them called.

For me, they are more like energy orgasms than anything, but different in some ways, too. It’s a warm butterscotch sauce filling me up and making me shudder nicely, sometimes violently.

How long or intense are these orgasms?

Well, a basic command may create an orgasm lasting a few seconds.

It can last longer, based on your training and effort, and can be extended made more intense with:

  • Physical contact/energy exchange. Skin-on-skin contact, a hand pulling hair, a bite.
  • Continued verbal encouragement, and additional commands.
  • Surrounding distractions.

What are other uses for COC?

Use in combination with other building orgasms, it can enhance vaginal Os, clitoral Os, breast Os, etc. And also help train other areas. I have this spot on my shoulder…

It’s my belief that sexuality is not just physical, it is physiologial/mental. It is so easy for a mental pattern or hiccup to cause loss of orgasm or sexual desire that using a mental pathway (or shortcut) like coc is a good way to allow a woman to feel orgasms once more. Or use it to open up pathways that have not been explored before like breast or anal orgasms.

For me, although I have always been orgasmic, even multi, COC deepens and adds to the potential feelings during orgasm as well as during other non-sexually-charged states.

What are the upsides for the COC-ee?

It feels DAMN good, and makes grocery shopping (laundry, commuting – public transport, a boring movie, of course – nights alone) soooo much more fun!

A side effect of this kind of training, when you are complicit and aware, is that you learn more about your own orgasms, can connect more deeply to them, and can find yourself more easily triggered, causing deeper orgasms more quickly, or even orgasms from memories of hot times spent together.

It’s a very good side effect.

What are the downsides for the COC-ee?

Well, ANYTIME you give control of yourself, in any way, to another, you run a risk, even if it’s only heartache, right?

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What are the upsides for the COC-er?

It’s deliciously powerful. There is an energy exchange when they release, shudder and quiver at your merest suggestion that you get back.

What are the downsides for the COC-er?

It’s a lot of work. And it takes patience. And your subject may fixate on you, because with this technique, you can tap into a well of sexual energy that you and they may have never felt before. And that shit is addicting.

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What is this science of which you speak? Or, how do I learn more?

EVERYONE interested in female sexuality and physiology should read Vagina: A New Biography, by Naomi Wolf

David Shade does a lot of work with men on Hands Free and ThinkOff orgasms, through mild hypnosis, NLP and phone sex. He has a FREE CD. Here are a few direct links:

Give Her An Orgasm Over Text

Mindgasms – The Wildest Of All Dreams

Science Verifies Thinkoff

And David links to this article: Braingasm: Sex and Your Synapses, where there are even more links to related information.

FOXSexpert: What Kind of Orgasm Are You Having?

Understanding basic dog training and behavioral modification through positive reinforcement is awesome, from my view. Don’t Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training, by Karen Pryor and Excel-Erated Learning: Explaining in Plain English How Dogs Learn and How Best to Teach Them, by Pamela J. Reid

So, there you have it. It’s a start.

The original thread also had discussion on the power exchange aspect of COC and the ethics that go along with it.

Please feel free to chime in with your experiences or questions. The reason I write these things is to get feedback, new ideas to try, and learn what I can from ya’ll as well.

*smiles*

Sadism: Too Simple A Term

Sadism

So, I was talking on a kink site, the way I do, and the topic turned to sewing. Since I have a fascination with sewing, I ran with it.

After some back and forth, I was called sweet again (which, I admit, I get a perverse pleasure from), because I was talking sewing on a kink site.

That reminded my of a scene I watched between D_S and l_b (they know who they are, I didn’t want to include their names without their permission) on Halloween, where he sewed a lovely pink zipper to her goody bits, making them zip and unzip.

I said:

Hand-stitched. Not very even stitches, but then, she was wiggling around and the blood made the skin slippery, so I think he can be forgiven.
So, there… I’m not that sweet. I watched that scene and all it’s blood with a huge grin on my face.

Just being me, not thinking much of it. He replied:

You’ve never mentioned you were a sadist.

Which gave me pause. Am I? Of course, being the word geek that I am, I had to look up sadism, and found this:

sa·dist

noun

  • Psychiatry. a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

Which led to this:

sa·dism

noun

  • Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on causing pain or degradation to others. Compare masochism.
  • any enjoyment in being cruel.
  • extreme cruelty.

So, no. I’m not that. I am not about being cruel for cruelty’s sake. My sexual gratification does not depend on pain or suffering, either. It is merely a facet of what I do—a very small facet.

I enjoy torment, but only when THEY enjoy torment. The sweet energy that flows. The tears, the amazing connection. The bits of body leaking out.

I don’t like to cause pain. I like to cause desire and feel connection.

All of that was in that scene.

So, I write this for two reasons.

ONE
Because I wanted to let the players know just how much I enjoyed watching them, and still think about it.

TWO
Because I’m curious about you all define the word sadist in terms of your kink. Not just yourself, but in those you interact with, what you think when you see someone self-identify as a sadist, or what you mean when you call someone a sadist within the boundaries of this kink that we do.

Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part 5

The words: Forced Bitchyness - Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™

In which I fail to see the value in a stranger’s orgasmayzingness.

I have been a Dom for 20 years and do like to switch.
Hi,
have you experienced true multiple orgasms, so many you lose count, start squirting and can actually pass out from them, if you want? This is like 75 orgasms in 30 minutes. I can give you these 3 different ways. Most guys or lesbians even, do not realize, this level of ecstacy exists for their lover. Some women have them naturally but very few, the rest can be taught. The easiest way for me anymore, is orally. There are certain spots I hit with my fingers and tongue, that will drive you bonkers. There is also a massage they use in the orient to teach a woman true multiples, that I have added a lot to, if the oral doesn’t work and actually I have made women pass out on the phone.

Continue reading “Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part 5”

Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part I

The words: Forced Bitchyness - Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™

I can’t help it, Master. Your powerful words make me a total bitch for you to use for your self-humiliation pleasure.

I don’t want to do it. I’ve dreaded this deep desire in me for my whole life, but for you, because you are powerful and you show me the meaning of TwooMastery™, I will bow before you and release the inner bitch just dying to be set free into the world.

Only for you would I ever.

No, of course not, I would never, ever on my own! That is so filthy for you to suggest. It’s just when you approach me with your Masterly words, I feel my insides start to tremble with need. Continue reading “Forced Bitchyness – Or Total Bitchification™ and Control with TwooMastery™ – Part I”

Why it’s not just semantics.

The words: Semantics Matter above a woman holding a kitty cat. The words below say: Katherine was absolutely certain that her newly shorn pussy would be the hit of the party.

So, I’ve long been a fan of the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, even before I knew it was an actual thing.

Linguistic Relativity on Wikipedia

I used to think I was going to study languages and etymology when I went to school. I bought my very own copy of the OED when I was 14, and love that book.

So, the Sapir-Whorf in basic terms is that the words you use shape your world, your actions and your thoughts.

This is one reason I have a habit of saying, “XXX and YYY are not the same. That’s why we have different words for them.” Some people retort, “That’s just semantics.”

I couldn’t disagree more.

For, example, on another discussion today, I asked about the poster’s definitions of angry and upset, and if he believes they are different.

I do.

Very different.

But if he does not, then he has limited two potential states to just one, and can only react within his own perceived reality.

I first hear about this outside of my own head listening to Anthony Robbins. He spoke of how many people recycle the same 5-10 emotions every day, which limited their world possibilities and set them into unhealthy and dull patterns.

So, instead of angry (which most people understand as a concept from kindergarten), you could be:

  • frustrated
  • annoyed
  • peeved
  • furious
  • upset
  • discombobulated
  • mad
  • cross
  • vexed
  • irked
  • irritated

And so on.

And you definitions of the severity and degree and actions that go with could be different, therefore putting a completely different spin on a scenario.

Let’s say your SO does something that would normally make you angry. How would you react if you were instead merely irked? Or if it made you furious?

Different than angry?

For me, they are very different.

And it’s powerful knowing I have a better understanding of my emotional states than the typical 6 year-old. grins

So, the other day, I ran across this:

Video about Sapir-Whorf and how it applies to sexual behavior, sense of direction and finances.

Which shows just how powerful this concept it.

So, I propose that the phrase “That’s just semantics,” be stricken forever from our lexicon and be replaced with as many different conceptual words as we can fit into our heads, in order to define the world better for ourselves and to communicate better with those around us.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Notes of Love – Nice Guy Syndrome

So a thread on FetLife about “Nice Guys” got me thinking. The topic was whether women would date a nice guy. It’s funny, because my immediate gut reaction is “No,” yet I know that my Master is a nice guy. Yes, he is also a bad boy, but that (and why those two things are not incompatible) is a discussion for another day.

So, why the instinctive flinch when I think about nice guys? Why is “nice guy” a death knell when applied to men? I think I have at least part of the answer.

First of all, I’d like to say that there are good and bad sides to the Nice Guy (from here on in I will refer to this subset of the male species as NG, not to be confused with HNG, or “horny net geek,” which is a different subset entirely), and sometimes the good is exactly opposite of the bad. Of course, as it often does, the bad is what stereotypically defines the NG, and makes a woman hate the idea of dating such a person.

I’ve created a comparison chart to show the differences that I can see. NG refers to the Nice Guy subset in the bad range of behaviors, while GG will refer to the “genuine” nice guy who falls primarily into the good range of behaviors.

NICE GUYS FINISH LAST

This is the pathetic whine of the entitled NG who feels that by saying X words and performing Y tasks, the woman (women) of his dreams should automagically adore him, instead of the “misogynistic conceited asshole” she’s dating now.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the GG, who understands that everyone has different preferences, and just as he does not adore every potential partner that comes his way, neither will the women in his life. He also realizes that not every other man in the world is a misogynistic asshole, just because he gets the girls. His philosophy is two part:

  1. You win some, you lose some.
  2. Friendship is more important.

FALLING HARD AND FAST

I have written an entire post on this subject previously because of an experience with an NG, but I will keep this short. NGs tend to fall hard and fast for “the girl of their dreams,” most often without regard for her thoughts and feelings in the matter, and usually without truly getting to know her well.

This “love at first sight” is based primarily on external factors such as looks, public personality, and overall impressions. Sometimes it is also based on the unattainability of said girl, or her attachment to/friendship with the “anti-NG.”

This “love” is expressed through various methods, which on the surface resemble the genuine article, but ring false because they truly have no substance behind them, such as:

  1. Jokes. The NG uses a joke to express his need/want/desire/unhealthy obsession, so that if a woman were to reject him, he can claim he was just joking.
  2. Wildly flowery words. The NG uses praise and (often) public adoration to woo. Unfortunately, these exhortations are not genuine and if rebuffed, often turn snarky. Eg., Monday: My passion flower, the star in the heavens that lights my night. Thursday: Crazy bitch.
  3. Buying love. Many NGs resort to buying attention from women. Taking them out to dinner, offering to support them and getting them pretty gifts, often way too early in the relationship. The women who mistake these things for true love often find that these men would rather buy them a diamond ring than actually pay attention to their feelings.

The GG, on the other hand will take the time to get to know a woman (even the “woman of his dreams”) before presuming that he is in love. Even if he feels “love at first sight,” he is likely to announce that later – much later – because he is not interested in pressuring anyone into a relationship with him.

I HAVE TERRIBLE LUCK WITH WOMEN

This is the hallmark of the NG. Most, if not all of the women in his past have taken advantage of him. They have taken money, cheated on him, abused him, strung him along, and/or left him for an abusive asshole, all because he was “too nice.”

The GG realizes that some people are just not made for each other and that it takes two to tango. Some of his past relationship mistakes are his fault.

NO, REALLY, MOST GUYS ARE ASSHOLES

NGs hate the women that scorn them. Even more, they hate the men they scorn them for, even if they never had a chance with that woman to begin with.

Men who are successful with women are reviled or, in a weird twist of fate, sometimes adulated…

In kind of a sick, twisted guy-crush way, many NGs have “The Guy” whose cast-offs he takes whenever possible, or whose girlfriends are always sweet and loveable (and unattainable). He attaches himself to this man either as a best friend or sometimes from afar. He studies what this man does to emulate his tactics, to replicate his success with the distaff gender to no avail. He has the words, but not the substance.

NGs are insanely competitive with other men, sometimes openly, sometimes in a very sneaky way.

GGs tend to get along with men and women alike, basing their friendship on actual qualities and behaviors, rather than sex appeal and snap judgments. They are comfortable with men in relationships and out of them.

I WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE THAT

NGs are there for you when you need to talk about your current BF. They listen and support you, and tell you what an asshole he is and how he doesn’t deserve you.

You see, NGs secretly believe that deep down inside, if you would just give him a chance, he would never let you down. He doesn’t realize that you are not out searching for a backup plan, and even if you are, it probably won’t be him.

Any man who hurts you hurts you because he’s an asshole, a misogynist, inconsiderate, self-centered (the list goes on), not because sometimes everyone makes mistakes or because people in relationships argue sometimes and that’s just the way it goes.

You see, the NG would be the perfect mate because, well, he is just so darn nice.

GGs understand that you just want to vent and to talk. They do not use every argument you have with a man as a chance to drive a wedge between you or to get into your pants. Even if they adore you, that’s just not their style.

PEOPLE SHOULD LIKE ME FOR WHO I AM

This is one of those big lies that has a small kernel of truth in it. Yes, in general people should love you for who you are. However, that does not mean you cannot improve.

NGs don’t like to hear suggestions or criticism. Actually, 99.99% of people don’t like it, but NGs HATE it. You see, their egos are so fragile that they can’t stand to hear that they are not perfect just because they are nice.

GGs often get that way because they take it to heart when people say they can improve, and they do – whenever it falls within their value system.

WASN’T THAT CONCERT WONDERFUL?

NGs have this way of trying to develop a relationship based on the most tenuous of connections. For example, you are out with girlfriends at a concert, and see the NG, say hello and chat for a few moments. Now you are best friends, because you share that experience, that love of SmashBand.

Even better, NGs will look for any chance to drag this newfound connection out in front of everyone, going on and on about how much you both enjoy x and so, or letting you know he just got the new whatever, and you should get together and share it.

GGs look for things in common to build a bridge of friendship and common ground to you and from you. If they do mention it in front of others, it will be casually, not as the focus on a conversation designed to make you notice him.

HE GIVES YOU THE WILLIES

NGs get a bit creepy sometimes. In the lifestyle, we see this particular phenomenon most often in creepy subs. There are Creepy Doms, and they share this trait, but not the rest of the NG traits… and that is another subject for another time.

It’s hard to put a finger on it, but it is often one or several of the following things:

  1. They get too close, invading personal space. They do not see you flinch or tense.
  2. They ask intimate questions that they have no right to ask, and get pissy when you prefer not to answer. (“Because we are both adults here,” or “It’s all in innocent fun.”)
  3. They make sly insinuations, giving people the wrong impression about your relationship.
  4. They try too hard, they laugh too loud at your jokes, and/or they agree too often.

If any of these things are pointed out, it is turned around to be YOUR fault. You are being either self-centered or paranoid or both.

GGs would be appalled and apologize if they were told that they were doing any one of these things, much more so if they were told they had done them in combination.

YOU SENSE HIS BITTERNESS

NGs are kicked around by women. They make a point of telling you so. What they don’t tell you, but you can often sense a deep level, is that they have secretly condemned all women based on their experiences, and are as misogynistic as (sometimes more misogynistic than) the average woman-hating asshole.

If you listen, you can probably hear it in his tone of voice when he talks about how women have treated him in the past and are treating him in the present.

You can hear it when he triumphantly proclaims the demise of the relationship his ex left him for “I knew it wouldn’t last. She never should have left me for that asshole.”

You can hear it when he turns on you because you did not live up to his fantasy of accepting him just because he is a nice guy.

IT’S NOT ENOUGH

All in all, what NGs don’t understand is that being a nice guy is not the be-all, end-all. It is something that is expected in addition to other important qualities. Proclaiming what a nice guy you are just makes me want to ask, “So what?” I expect any person I choose to interact with to be “nice.” It’s the other personality traits that make you stand out.

IT’S NOT JUST THE MEN

Yeah, I’ve been calling them nice guys, but ladies, this applies to us, too. Nice girls are just as bad, sometimes worse. NGs (nice guys/nice girls) use their niceness as a shield to protect them from having to do or be better, from having to learn social interaction, from having to actually pay attention to others, from being honest with themselves, from creating true relationships, and most of all from having to take any blame for the things that go wrong in their relationships with others.

IT’S NOT JUST YOU

As I’ve written this, I’ve spotted behaviors that I have been guilty of in the past, and a few I will probably be guilty of in the future. Now that I have them written, it’s easier to see my own flaws, and to hopefully correct them as I go, so I can be more GG and less NG.