As someone who has done customer service and tech support in more ways than most people can even imagine, I am NOT that person.

I’m generally cutting up, even after hours on the phone, trying to make their day a bit brighter. After all, they are not at fault for the policies or failings of the company they work for.

But today, I yelled at some poor schmuck.

I can’t call him back and apologize. I’d never get the same guy again, and I don’t know his name. I didn’t care. All I cared about was that I had to give the same gawd-damned information 4 times before someone got on who could help me, then he kept misunderstanding why I was calling, reciting policy and timelines, instead of listening to what I was saying.

Which is why today I yelled at that poor schmuck.

Except that it’s not why. Not really.

• Today, I also ranted in the car about politics.
• Today, I also engaged someone on Facebook who I KNEW had zero rationality about a particular topic.
• Today, I word-vomited at my girlfriend for 20 minutes, bitching and folding clothes frenziedly.
• Today, I sent a strongly-worded note to my team, cranking about delays and bugs and a million things all at once, when none of these things are immediately urgent in the grand scheme of things.

I have an excuse.

No, not an EXCUSE I have a reason.

Not not A reason. I have several reasons. None of them excuse my behavior. This, I know well. They do explain it, and give me insight into why I’m not being me.

I’m in the middle of several projects that are pieces of a very big dream of mine. It’s stressful to want to build something, and encounter challenge after challenge. To have people muffle my words with no explanation given, even when asked for.

It’s my cranky day. Yes. I’mma play that card. It’s my monthly “I-get-to-bite-your-head-off-in-the-name-of-fecundity” day. I’m usually pretty chill about it, but I do warn people, generally, as a courtesy.

Politics! Please, can November 8th (or 2th, depending on who you believe) com sooner? Pretty please? With pussies on top?

A lot of people seem on edge around me. More than usual. People are engaging me angrily from the get-go in spaces where people are usually positive. A single incident becomes a reason to hate an entire group of people:

• Trump supporters
• Hillary supporters
• Americans
• Non-Americans
• Black people
• White people
• Christians
• Atheists

And it’s stressing me the fuck out.

And so, I yelled at some poor schmuck in customer service.

And he helped me anyway. And when he fixed my issue, and I was too much of an asshole to apologize for my childish behavior, and merely said “Thank you,” I had the opportunity to answer a survey.

And I gave him the highest possible good marks.

It’s not enough, because today, I was one of the people spreading negativity, and that’s not who I am.