Recently on FB, someone posted about a kinky partner they were vetting. They really liked the person, and were excited for things to develop, but this person had an insecurity about something that they could not let go.
No matter how many times the person said that it didn’t matter, that it was actually a positive, that they were excited to move into a new phase of their relationship, the other person just could not let it go.
Eventually, it became such a burden to constantly try to fill them up with reassurances that passion died and the entire relationship fizzled.
I get it.
I’ve said hundreds of times that I don’t do well with insecure people.
Which is a semi-lie.
What I don’t do well with is insecure people who want me to constantly reassure them.
Because I DO want to reassure people. Especially people I like. I want people to see in themselves the amazingness I see in them. I want people to know my views of their specialness, and to understand that it’s part of what draws me to them (even if they don’t agree).
I want that very much.
And insecure people want that.
No. They NEED that.
And oftentimes they need that so much more than I can provide.
And then it becomes exhausting. It takes over the budding relationship and it overshadows all of the other things.
Every “I love you” becomes, “Do you really? How much?”
Every invitation out turns into, “Well, I don’t want to impose.”
Every compliment escalates into a battle to convince them that they are worthy of attention.
And I just can’t.
Which tears me apart. And tears them apart even more.
Because once that reassurance junkie gets a taste, they need more. And more. And more. Until they drain a relationship dry of everything BUT those validations.
And then even the validations wither away as well.
Because how could they have been sincere, if they left? Or maybe they meant it last week, but this week is different. Or perhaps they were just trying to shut me up.
And that digs an even deeper hole for them than they had before, and the cycle will begin again.
Because often, reassurance is the pretty poison, not the cure. Even when offered openly and authentically, it sounds and feels to the junkie JUST LIKE LIES. Or at least platitudes.
And that’s the trap.
Insecure people crave validation.
But when they get it, they can’t believe it. And in many cases, it actually erodes their confidence further, while creating a deeper need in them for more validation.
Because insecurity tells them that they can’t feel [insert whatever positivity here] without someone feeling it FOR THEM.
But when it’s felt for them, they don’t actually experience it themselves, and they don’t believe it. The reassurances act to make them feel more insecure, not less.
Because now, not only are they insecure about the original issue, but they are addicted to the reassurances, and afraid that those will dry up and disappear, leaving them with insecurity and a feeling of loss in an ever-deepening hole.
No other human can fill that hole for you.
They can help you fill your own hole. But only as long as you do the work. When you find things to fill that hole that you can believe in and you work to maintain those beliefs.
And that’s hard.
Way harder than asking for reassurance.
And that’s the trap.
What are your thoughts?
Have you found yourself in the cycle of insecurity and validation before? Did you find a way to fill the hole? Or have you learned to live with the holes, and to step around them as needed?