Behavior Modification: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

So, I’ve been working in my spare time on the outline for a new book about training your lover, or simple behavior modification to create the relationship of your dreams, or something like that.

Anyway, one of the things that I think is incredibly important is the idea of baseline and regression, or two steps forward, one step back.

Pet and I discussed it one night (the baseline), and experienced it the next morning (the regression).

Note: I have NO IDEA what it was at this point. I made these notes so long ago. However, suffice to say this happens to us regularly, so what we consider “normal” is far and above anything we ever dreamed of when we began.

The baseline is something I learned in dog training.

It’s the average, or baseline level of expected performance. If you are training correctly, this will gradually get better over time, BUT will not always be getting better in individual instances.

Let me say that again, for emphasis:

If you’re training correctly, your baseline will get better and better over time, but will not always get better EVERY time.

Like one evening versus the next morning.

That evening blew our baseline out of the water.

The next day was a regression, back to several months before. Still good for both of us, but not anywhere near recent expectations or yesterday’s blowout.

This is natural.

It happens in dog training all the time.

(This happens with horses, too; it’s called “bouncing.” Even Secretariat bounced after the Belmont Stakes.)

The dog will have an amazing practice trial, doing better than ever, and the next day will come in dead last in his competitions.

It’s nature. And nothing to be worried about.

I’ve seen this happen in self-help as well. You’ll find that you really hit a breakthrough, and you feel on top of the world. Then there will be a set-back, which can really bruise your spirit.

It’s normal.

Your baseline will grow over time with your working on it, and there will be hiccups and exceptions.

PLAN for them.

In yourself and others.

Just keep moving forward.

Once you know what is possible, you can then make it probable.

Once it is probable, you can work on making it natural.

Once it’s natural, you are working on improvements to something that seemed impossible a few months or years before.

When They Lose Their Sh*t…

When They Lose Their Shit...

My ex-husband and I made a lot of mistakes. His BPD and alcoholism in the last 7 years created even more mistakes in an already young and dumb “starter” marriage.

However, in the beginning, we did something brilliantly.

When one person lost their shit, the other immediately set aside their own issues and focused in.

Because when someone goes into crisis mode, they need to be heard and seen. They need to feel like their partner is there for them, NOT simply waiting to retort with their own frustrations and anger.

“Oh yeah? Well, what about that time you ______? Huh?”

If you weren’t pissed enough about ‘that time they ______,’ to lose your shit before now, the moment after they lose theirs is NOT THE TIME.

Your time may come in the future.

It’s NOT NOW.

When your partner loses their shit, give them your attention and care.

It’s the best and easiest thing to do.

Deal with it.

Now.

Calmly.

With love.

Feeling pissy? Shut it.

Feeling hurt? Shut it.

Feeling spiteful? Fucking shut it.

Let them have their moment. Let them get it all out. Let them drain the festering boil, and be a REAL partner there with them while they do it.

Help them:

Partner 1 (in crisis): LOSES THEIR SHIT.
Partner 2 (immediate full attention): “Tell me more. I want to know.”

P1: “Tells more.”
P2: “This is what I’m hearing, [repeats it in their own words], is that right?”

P1: “Yes,” or “No.”
(make sure you’re getting it right)
P2: “Ok. Thank you. Is there more?”

P1: “Offers more.”
P2: “This is what I’m hearing, [repeats in their own words], is that right?”

P1: “Yes,” or “No.”
(make sure you’re getting it right)
P2: “Ok. Thank you. Is there more?”

(repeat as necessary)

P1: “No, that’s it.”
P2: “What can I do to help?”

Listen and do it. Or negotiate doing it. Or find others to help you do it. Or cuddle them, because some things can’t be fixed. Or accept that they KNOW it can’t be fixed, and they just needed to lose their shit and have you listen and be pissy for a while.

Or whatever.

If you’re upset or hurt (and let’s face it, if they are REALLY losing their shit and doing it at you, you probably will be, at least a little), it’s ok.

Still, shut it.

YOUR time comes later. I like to keep at least 24-48 hours between, if it’s urgent. A week or more if it’s not.

This still works for me. With or without others’ buy-in.

Generally, if someone in my life is upset, I give them this attention, utterly and totally. I set my hurts aside.

I want them to have their time and feel heard and seen and validated. I want to help if I can, and listen if that’s all I can offer.

This, to me, is being a dominant (whether I am THEIR dominant or not), is providing the safe space they need, and is honoring their place in my life.

It’s also being a friend, a lover, and a considerate and caring human.

AND… I’ve found that most people, when offered this kind of care, lose their shit far less frequently and far less spectacularly.

After all, it can be hard to really get a good scream going for terribly long at someone who is genuinely there for you, ready to listen, to see, and to help in any way they can.

Even when you’re spoiling for a fight.

It just is.

(Well, for most folks.)

And they often find it in themselves to begin offering this to others. Often without even realizing what they are doing. It just feels right to do so.

Because modeling loving behavior works in more ways than one.

Even when they lose their shit.

Image by SAFA TUNCEL from Pixabay

It’s Like Toilet Paper Bondage…

Just a roll of toilet paper on a white background, slightly unrolled.

Behavior modification, that is.

It’s not like handcuffs or chains, where you do something once, and they are bound by your directive, until you free them.

It’s far more subtle.

Gossamer.

Like restraining someone with toilet paper.

One layer of toilet paper wrapped around their body is real enough to feel, to KNOW, but not enough to hold them.

However, once you’ve put in enough layers (reinforcement) in enough ways (places), their reality is constrained to what you desire.

Behavior modification is like that. It’s not one and done.

It’s not something that is set into place, then sticks forever.

It takes tending. Cultivating. Encouraging. More and more layers.

It’s like toilet paper bondage.

Behavior Modification: The Ethics Of Conditioning/Behavior Modification

Behavior Modification Psitive Vs. Negative.

I speak about Behavior Modification quite a bit, and I joke that the key to understand about it is that it happens whether you intend it to or not.

Read more here: Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

However, happening naturally, as you and your partner(s) yourselves to each other is quite different from intentional manipulation.

And when I say “manipulation,” I mean BeMod with intent, not necessarily malice. There are many GOOD reasons to manipulate a situation or a person, just as there are selfish, controlling and harmful ways.

However, no matter the good intentions, ethics say if it’s done intentionally, you MUST have consent. Continue reading “Behavior Modification: The Ethics Of Conditioning/Behavior Modification”

Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)

If you are in a relationship, rest assured that your behavior will be modified.

It’s gonna happen.

I tell people this at the beginning of my behavior modification classes all the time.

So, if it’s gonna happen, it’s better to understand what it is, at least for yourself. Even better if you can understand how your actions and responses modify behavior in others.

EXAMPLE:

Maybe it’s just me, but have you ever been in a relationship where a very specific topic, when brought up, always creates a shitstorm argument? Continue reading “Behavior Modification: It Happens (Exercise 11)”

COC – Cum on Command – A Few Thoughts

Cum On Command

So, a few months back, I participated in a conversation about “cum on command” here (FetLife login-protected link).

This is something I and my ex-partner and I practiced early in our relationship, and I had done quite a bit of research on, and have taught to others, and given suggested reading, and so on and so on.

And let me state for the record, I LOVE IT! IT’S FUN!

So, I felt like I really had something to say about the subject.

And still do.

In fact, as I noted in another note I posted, I have recently experienced some real breakthroughs in mental/energy play that bring me again back to this. I may have to write about those at some point, when they re not so deep to me.

Now, in that thread, there is a lot of back and forth between myself and a few others, mostly one person. I won’t bore you with the details, since you can read that for yourself.

What I will do, is give you some of the highlights of what I’ve learned, where to look for more information (including actual science-y stuff), and some experiences and theories.

I’d love those of you who have done some of this to chime in with your own thoughts, as I find this an amazing area of study, and a constant fascination to me, and I have (so far) experienced this mostly from the female orgasm/male command side, although I am working on the other with mild success.

Cum on Command

Yes, I have experienced “COC” or cum on command.

Yes, it’s hot. Yes, it’s orgasm. Yes, it takes work for those who are not trained. Yes, it takes reinforcement.

Work? Reinforcement?

Yes. In other words, let’s say you have a new puppy.

WARNING: If you’re going to be offended or triggered by me equating human training, any kind of human training, with dog training, leave my writings now and never come back. I do it a lot, and I’m not going to stop.

Ok, back to the new puppy. You want to teach the puppy to sit. There are two ways to do this.

1. Wait for the puppy to site, mark and reward. The mark might be a click from a clicker, or a vocal marker, like “Yes!”

2. Make the puppy sit while giving the command, mark and reward.

Now, after some practice, you’ve taught your puppy to sit. BUT, if you don’t keep that training going, the puppy will soon learn it gets no reward, and will stop sitting.

And, you’ll also need to work on that sit in different scenarios and situations, so the puppy will sit anytime, anywhere you want, even with a big juicy steak on the ground before him or a rabbit running away.

Simple, right?

People are no different.

So, for an orgasm, you can wait until one occurs naturally, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally. Or, create an orgasm, tie it to a command (marker) and reward verbally and with more orgasm.

So, you now have the orgasm on command (after practice, of course). You will want to practice it in ever-different scenarios, to sink it in.

YAY!

Now, here’s where it gets kinda not-fun. If you then use that COC in situations where your partner might expect a more involved intimacy, instead of a verbal reaction, you may start to lose them. If you use it too often without reinforcing it with extra pleasure, you will start to lose them. If you use it just because you are pleased with yourself, and not for the good of your subject as well, you may start to lose them.

Make sense?

If not, ask. Moving on. smiles

How does it work?

Well, not absolutely sure about the specifics beyond behavioral conditioning, but science has shown repeatedly that orgasm is a brain thing.

Even more for women than for men, but also men can experience mental-only orgasm (think wet dreams).

Is there a name for these kinds of orgasms?

Hands-free, or ThinkOff is usually what I’ve heard them called.

For me, they are more like energy orgasms than anything, but different in some ways, too. It’s a warm butterscotch sauce filling me up and making me shudder nicely, sometimes violently.

How long or intense are these orgasms?

Well, a basic command may create an orgasm lasting a few seconds.

It can last longer, based on your training and effort, and can be extended made more intense with:

  • Physical contact/energy exchange. Skin-on-skin contact, a hand pulling hair, a bite.
  • Continued verbal encouragement, and additional commands.
  • Surrounding distractions.

What are other uses for COC?

Use in combination with other building orgasms, it can enhance vaginal Os, clitoral Os, breast Os, etc. And also help train other areas. I have this spot on my shoulder…

It’s my belief that sexuality is not just physical, it is physiologial/mental. It is so easy for a mental pattern or hiccup to cause loss of orgasm or sexual desire that using a mental pathway (or shortcut) like coc is a good way to allow a woman to feel orgasms once more. Or use it to open up pathways that have not been explored before like breast or anal orgasms.

For me, although I have always been orgasmic, even multi, COC deepens and adds to the potential feelings during orgasm as well as during other non-sexually-charged states.

What are the upsides for the COC-ee?

It feels DAMN good, and makes grocery shopping (laundry, commuting – public transport, a boring movie, of course – nights alone) soooo much more fun!

A side effect of this kind of training, when you are complicit and aware, is that you learn more about your own orgasms, can connect more deeply to them, and can find yourself more easily triggered, causing deeper orgasms more quickly, or even orgasms from memories of hot times spent together.

It’s a very good side effect.

What are the downsides for the COC-ee?

Well, ANYTIME you give control of yourself, in any way, to another, you run a risk, even if it’s only heartache, right?

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What are the upsides for the COC-er?

It’s deliciously powerful. There is an energy exchange when they release, shudder and quiver at your merest suggestion that you get back.

What are the downsides for the COC-er?

It’s a lot of work. And it takes patience. And your subject may fixate on you, because with this technique, you can tap into a well of sexual energy that you and they may have never felt before. And that shit is addicting.

That’s why you choose the right person.

And if you’re not sure it’s the right person, then don’t do it. SSC, yes?

What is this science of which you speak? Or, how do I learn more?

EVERYONE interested in female sexuality and physiology should read Vagina: A New Biography, by Naomi Wolf

David Shade does a lot of work with men on Hands Free and ThinkOff orgasms, through mild hypnosis, NLP and phone sex. He has a FREE CD. Here are a few direct links:

Give Her An Orgasm Over Text

Mindgasms – The Wildest Of All Dreams

Science Verifies Thinkoff

And David links to this article: Braingasm: Sex and Your Synapses, where there are even more links to related information.

FOXSexpert: What Kind of Orgasm Are You Having?

Understanding basic dog training and behavioral modification through positive reinforcement is awesome, from my view. Don’t Shoot the Dog!: The New Art of Teaching and Training, by Karen Pryor and Excel-Erated Learning: Explaining in Plain English How Dogs Learn and How Best to Teach Them, by Pamela J. Reid

So, there you have it. It’s a start.

The original thread also had discussion on the power exchange aspect of COC and the ethics that go along with it.

Please feel free to chime in with your experiences or questions. The reason I write these things is to get feedback, new ideas to try, and learn what I can from ya’ll as well.

*smiles*