Dating Kinky
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Hello Everyone!

Castaway, your trusty Dating Kinky correspondent, has returned with a quick news brief.

Some of you may already be aware that we have begun hosting events and chats in our live webinar environment. On that note, I am pleased to inform you that we have three, count ‘em, three (!) events coming up this week!

On Monday, February 24th, we will debut a new chat, Distinction of Deviation. Aside from being pro-alliteration, this event will be a new monthly discussion and gathering place for kinky folk of color, and those who want to support kink for all in their spaces (online and off), communities and events. It will be hosted by the irreverent houseslave2000.

The following day, Tuesday the 25th, we will have our first installment in the Dating Kinky “Let’s Debate” series. The topic will be red flags (actions and behaviors to watch out for/potentially avoid) versus green flags (actions and behaviors to watch out for/appreciate) as they relate to dating. In the red corner, we have the enchanting Ms. Bossy Butterfly, and in the green corner, we have the legendary Fetlife heel, R1HZ. Join us for a spirited discussion with these two (though no low blows, hopefully), moderated (or refereed, more like it), by our beloved founder, Nookie Notes.

And finally, on Wednesday the 26th, we have the premiere of another monthly chat, Life in Submission. Hosted by the lovely Amarie, this will be discussion about the right side of the (consensual) slash: submission, slavery, property and more. 

All three of these events will kick off @ 8PM EST. Hope to see you there!

And while we have all sorts of other things being planned in Dating Kinky-land, those will have to wait for a future news update.

Until next time,

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Well, fuck. I’m so sorry.

Because it sucks.

So, first, be kind to yourself. It happens to all of us.

Next, talk it out with a trusted friend. Someone that you know will be on your side, and who will keep a level head.

Between the two of you, determine your next step. There are a lot of options from small things to taking legal action.

ONLY YOU can decide what’s right for your situation. And a calm friend to help you work through things will be a huge boon, here.

Some options:

Bring in another trusted friend. Sometimes, two people don’t feel like they’re enough to make an important decision. It’s OK to talk to others. Just make sure you feel like you can trust them to have YOUR best interests in mind. Some people are always on the lookout for the next rumor or drama, and that doesn’t help in making the right choices in an emotional situation.

Talk to an authority. Take your concerns to a community leader. Hopefully someone you not only feel you can trust, but who you believe can be impartial. They often have experience handling situations like this, and could maybe help you get clarity. They also might have a network of people who can help out, give advice and so on. They could also act as intermediaries in the situation.

Journal about it. Sometimes, writing things out will help organize your thoughts coherently. It also allows you to add detail over time, as you remember, if things seem a bit fuzzy or out of order.

Approach the person who broke your consent. This can be a difficult choice to make. After all, having your consent broken can feel like a violation, and leave a lot of mixed feelings, including fear. Sometimes, this is the right choice to make. Sometimes, it might be better to go through an intermediary.

File a police report. Let me be very clear: This is a personal decision. Going to the police and sharing full details can be a terrifying experience. It can also be empowering and uplifting. It’s hard to say which it will be for you. Some people ONLY believe a claim if it has been reported and officially filed.

Talk to legal counsel. Sometimes, talking to a lawyer could help you make the right decisions for you.

Get therapy. There are debates on the efficacy of therapy, but if you feel like it might help you to find a support group or to go to a therapist, do it. Sometimes, just talking with people who have been through something similar, or who can understand and offer advice is a big help.

Forgive. Again, this is a personal choice. Sometimes, the only thing we feel we have control over is our reaction to and processing of a violation. And so, our only choice is to forgive or not. Some feel like forgiving is not for the one that hurt us, but for us, to heal the harm, and to move forward.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best with it.

I ask again that you be kind to yourself, and gentle. That you decide the best way for you to heal for yourself, and that it brings you a measure of peace.

Excerpted from So, What Is Kinky, Anyway?, Feb 2020

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

“I had not realized how different the sexual experience of men/women could be. I knew that it was different, but did not realize the potential size of the delta.”

From a transfeminine woman, whose sexual response system had changed a great deal, thanks to hormone therapy.

And I’m glad she got to experience that. And that she’s living the life she has dreamed of.

However, what about the many different ways that this has been said over and over in media and books and…everything…was not clear before?

Until she experienced it HERSELF?

As a cis woman, I’ve ALWAYS known that there is a BIG divide between how most cis men experience sex and orgasm and how I do.

How is it that so many people DON’T?

Do they not pay attention to their partners’ lived experiences? Do they not believe them? How are they missing these huge differences for so many years of their lives?

Heck, even when I’m in bed with a woman, I find SO MANY differences in how we get off, that it amazes me to think that people would assume it’s the same for all cis-women, much less all genders.

Let me be clear…

I’m not saying that any experience is intrinsically better than another.

Nor am I saying that all people of any gender are poopy-buttheads who don’t get it.

I AM saying that if you don’t yet realize that others’ sexual experiences are different than yours—possibly radically different—perhaps because of their gender, perhaps because of how their brains work, or perhaps because their body uses different hormones than yours or uses hormones differently…

…maybe it’s time to start asking.

And watching.

And experimenting.


Two other posts you might find interesting:

Image by Pete Linforth from Pixabay

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Last night, I presented my first FREE monthly Newbies Night webinar to the community, with the brilliant host @QPDoll. (See the schedule live here.)

It’s incredibly gratifying to be able to share access to information and to answer questions live with people with all levels of experience, from all over the world (like C in from Brazil!), in a way that allows them to choose their comfort level of interaction.

SOOOOO amazing.

Today, when I checked my writing prompt I’ve set myself for the day, it made me smile, because it seemed like the perfect follow-up.

Here’s what I saved for myself from a conversation on July 13, 2019:

My Friend:

Knowledge is power but sometimes knowledge makes everything confusing when things could be easy and natural


Knowledge is not power.
Knowledge is knowledge until you apply it or leverage it.
It can, as you just pointed out, be a detriment, even.

My Friend:

Are you telling me all of my gradeschool teachers and the G.I. Joe cartoon show was lying to me


Or, not lying.
They didn’t mean to tell a falsehood.

My Friend:



They were just wrong.

My Friend:




It is true that having knowledge when others do not can be powerful.

It can also be a burden. Like for Barry J. Marshall and Robin Warren, the two Australian researchers who discovered the bacterium Helicobacter pylori and deciphered its role in gastritis and peptic ulcer disease.

At that time when Warren and Marshall announced their findings, it was a long-standing belief in medical teaching and practice that stress and lifestyle factors were the major causes of peptic ulcer disease.

When they tried to show the medical community their findings, they were ridiculed.

Until Marshall underwent gastric biopsy to put evidence that he didn’t carry the bacterium, then deliberately infected himself to show that it in fact caused acute gastric illness.

Was that power? Sure, of a sort.

But only because Marshall and Warren had the tenacity to stick with it and show their work in many multiple ways to the world.

They did end up winning the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine in 2005. Twenty years after Marshall’s self-infection.

A little bit can go a long way…

In either direction.

Last night, we cautioned the Newbies who joined us (thank you!) to spend time watching and learning as they entered into the scene.

Because there is so much that we do that can be dangerous and different, and even how we socially interact and the words we use are new to people just coming into the lifestyle.

And sometimes, a little bit of knowledge is scarier (Hello, Dunning-Kruger?) than none at all, because with no knowledge at all, people don’t feel over-confident, and may take more care.

I say about many things in my life, “I know just enough about _____ to be a danger to myself and others.” It’s not only to let them know my skill level (or lack thereof), but also to remind myself.

And I find no shame in saying, “I have no idea,” or “I know these three things I read online, but I don’t really KNOW about it, could you tell me more?”

Like many other tools in our toolbox, knowledge used properly is powerful and beneficial. Used incorrectly, it is neither and may actually harm.

I like to think that knowledge is 50%, and doing is 50%, broken into two quarters:

  • Doing and getting it wrong (learning).
  • Doing and getting it right (practice).

G.I. Joe said…

“Knowing is half the battle.”

It’s true. G.I. Joe didn’t lie.

Knowing is half the battle. Often the easy half.

Because knowing is not the same as doing. And doing (ie. learning, practice, real-life experience) is essential in any battle, journey, collaboration, or kinky play.