Dating Kinky
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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Someone said in a comment on a previous post:

It is my experience that there are substantially more women that are looking for relationships, than something casual. Just have a look at Tinder. If I had a nickel for every girl that said, ‘Looking for something real, NO HOOKUPS’…well, I’d have a shit ton of nickels.

I’mma explain something to you. You’re a man. Your experience is pretty much what you make of it, when it comes to women.

My experience as a woman (and in talking to women, it’s a common experience) is:

First of all, if I look on Tinder, most of the people of all genders say they are not there for hookups.

Which, when I am, is saddening.

Second, I don’t ‘do hookups,’ because the way some interpret hookups is WAY TOO LITERAL. Like, “Lemme get your name, then touch your girlie bits.”

That just won’t work.

When we WANT to get the D Delivery, we want it. We want it from someone we will not hate ourselves for, after, though.

And that takes a modicum of effort.

Him: Older, debonair-looking older artist man (Jeff Goldblum type-ish).

Me: Well, me.

The scene: Walking the grounds of the North Carolina Museum of Art, he is solicitous and charming.

Until…

He brushes his fingertips lightly along my shoulder, which is warm from the North Carolina sunshine. He says in a dreamy voice (which, BTW, is smooth and creamy-sounding like butterscotch), “Has anyone ever counted your freckles?”

It’s like the whole world was an LP, and the needle just screeched across it. I stopped. “No,” was all I had.

He continued on, encouraged, “You deserve to have your freckles counted one-by-one, cataloged and loved.”

It’s like my brain went blank. I didn’t understand English and I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.

But that would be awful, wouldn’t it?

I have thousands of freckles on my left forearm alone.

How would anyone count them all?

Would I get potty breaks?

Would we need a marker to mark off which had been counted and loved until the next time?

What if it washed off?

Would we have to start all over again?

What kind of person would be that obsessive, and why would I want to invite them into my life?

That’s a hella lot of scrutiny.

I glanced over. He was smiling slightly, gazing intensely at me, giving off waves of oh-so-suave seduction.

Only, he was far less Jeff Goldblum now, and more this:

I shuddered.

WHY would he do that to me?

WHY would he make me think these things. He was…inoffensive…until that point.

LOL!

I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind, but I could never get over it. It went downhill from there through the rest of the walk and mid-afternoon lunch.

The worst part?

He was SHOCKED when I thanked him for his time (after paying my half of the bill), and told him I felt no connection.

And I still sometimes feel a dark cloud over me, as if someone is walking up behind me, and has started counting my freckles…

Do you ____?
What do you like to do?
Do you enjoy ____?

I wrote a profile for a reason.

If you approach me without any mention of ANYTHING I’m interested in and then ask me, “So, what are you into?”, I’ll answer with something like:

“My profile is pretty detailed. Perhaps you’d like to ask me something more specific?”

Because frankly, if you are approaching me ONLY for a specific interest, then you are most likely not approaching me at all, but instead a possible wank fantasy, and that’s not what I’m on FetLife for.

If you are, that’s cool.

You’ve just self-disqualified from my interest list, before even really being on it.

I’ve written about similar things before, and someone said:

“I’ve gotten way too many negative reactions when a person’s profile says one thing but they want another thing. So even though some may find it annoying, I try to be polite as possible and not assume what people are interested in.”

This is two things:

1. It’s a convenient excuse to do whatever you want. So. Go on with your bad self, determining someone is likely a liar even before you interact with them is SURE to make for a good relationship beginning (whatever that relationship ultimately becomes).

2. It’s not even attempting to connect with people as they have stated they want to be connected with. Which is lazy or dismissive, or any one of a number of other things.

Again, your right to do whatever.

Just know that those of us who actually write profiles do it for a reason. And ignoring that fact will likely lose you even the opportunity to discover whether we might be into what we’re into with you.