Dating Kinky
Built by kinksters for kinksters, poly, queer, trans folk, and anyone not-quite-vanilla—and it’s FREE.

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Which role is better?

To seduce someone, to feel desired, to have them want and need you?

Or to be on the other side, to be pursued, to feel yourself falling or sliding gracefully into the bliss of obsession and desire?

For me to be seduced, I need to feel the power of desire for ME—as an individual. not just for my breasts or my hips, but for the entirety of my being. And that takes someone getting to know me, which is a step in the seduction.

However, it’s my view that in order to be a good seducer, there needs to be an aspect of the seducer that is already seduced.

THEY need to be entranced. Led on by that desire, by their curiosity, by the need to see what is around the corner of this question, or what’s over the hill of that idea.

The very thing that make the seducer so enticing to me is when they have the strength to approach ad say “You have bewitched me, now I hope to return the favor.”

The power to admit that they have been seduced and to want to offer that same deliciously enveloping magic in return is what often makes them irresistible.

I love seducing people.

I love also being seduced.

For me, this is not an either/or question. I want to feel that I am both seducer and seduced at the same time.

What are your thoughts?

Do you prefer being seduced? Or seducing?

Do you see power inherent in one over the other? Do they fit in dominant or submissive roles (or other power labels) to you?

I’m looking forward to your perspectives.

Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay

Sure, sure, I get it.

There are times when you just CAN’T let ‘er rip.

Maybe the kids are asleep, or you folks are staying for the holidays.

Or, maybe those things don’t bother you at all.

They do bother some people, though, as this young lady recounts:

I am loud in bed. It is hardwired, always was.

All my life I have been a bit self conscious about being loud. It is what it is and in the end, who cares what the neighbors say? Right? I have countless hours with my face deep into a pillow. Trust me.

One new lover recently on the first and only encounter got so put off by it that he shrank to nothing. He asked me NOT to make any noises please…and just lay still.

I was blown away. I tried to be a silent statue as he wished but did not work for me. It all ended there. That was a new one for me.

What are your thoughts?

Given the perfect scenario of no one around to hear, no chance of being walked in on or discovered…

  • Would you prefer loud or soft?
  • How loud is too loud?
  • What about talking? Dirty talking?
  • Laughing yay or nay?

And in not-so-perfect circumstances, if you like loud, what are your guidelines for keeping it down and still having a great time?

I look forward to your replies.

I’ve written before that I Don’t Judge How Another Loves Me, and I believe this. I also say, though, that I do judge how someone makes me feel.

Or how they SHOW me that they love me in ways I can understand.

Someone can love you desperately with their feelings and still suck at loving you the way you need to be loved  with their actions.

I saw a saying like this on FB, and it really hit home for me.

After all, I think we’ve all made the mistake of doing the exact opposite of showing our love, even while we love deeply and fully and (dare I say?) desperately.

However, simply loving someone is not enough.

No matter how deeply.

No matter how desperately.

It’s far more important that they feel loved. At least to them.

And that brings us around to a few phrases that look at both side of this:

  • Treat people like you want to be treated.
  • No, treat people like THEY want to be treated (This is my preference, especially in D/s relationships).
  • It’s the thought that counts.
  • No, actions speak louder than words (How Do I Say…?).

And so on.

What do you think?

How much does the feeling matter, if the actions don’t back it up? Are “good intentions” enough? Is action a good indicator of feelings?

How do you gauge another’s intentions?

Image by pixel2013 on Pixabay

My photo:

Nookie Playing Dress Up

This photo represents a deep bond in my relationship with my Pet that we’ve shared from day 1: A sense of adventure and playfulness.

We lived two hours apart when we met (in person), and saw each other every couple of weeks. In between, we shared ideas and images that we loved, discussed them, and sometimes made them our own.

This image was the result of one of those images, as was the resulting scene with lots of leather and my dildo collection…

But it’s not just recreating that is so special to me.

It’s that we work together so well to pull these things off.

He is an amazing cheerleader and enthusiastic (and enamored) photographer. A joyful bottom. A skilled lover.

EVERY time we do this, we have knocked it out of the park, and explored yet another way of expressing our sexuality, while growing in what we know about each other, what we like, and fun new kinks.

Looking over my collection of photos, I can see at least 10 more images that happened this way as well. It’s part of us, and threads through much of what we do and how we love.

The Prompt

Pick a photo you have posted for the public, or link to one. Write about what it means to you, the feelings it evokes, anything.

Feel free to write in the comments or in your own journal and link here (so others can read it), or just think on it or write on it and keep it to yourself, if you prefer.

Write a sentence. Or a paragraph. Or an essay. Or whatever this is to you. Talk it out. Make it yours, if it’s not.

“Avoid false friendship at all costs.”

I agree.

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.

Stop and think about that for a few moments.

The people we surround ourselves with help us sort right from wrong, ethical from unethical, and desirable from undesirable.

So, surrounding ourselves with people who don’t like us (but pretend to) is also exposing ourselves to people who are duplicitous as a matter of course.

We are also exposing ourselves to a normal that may include other thought patterns beyond base deception.

So, yeah, avoid false friends.

But let’s take it a step beyond.

Read More

WARNING: This is a long one, and I am very specifically taking a side in this one, then offering my reasoning up for debate and picking apart.

I’ve had several conversations in the past week in which the original writing I did on the responsibility of a dominant has been relevant:

The Responsibility Of The Dominant

@thewiz11 commented, and as I was replying, I realized it would be a good debate piece, allowing me to dig deeper into the meat of what this means to me, in my life, and defend my view against any and all comers.

Before I go there, though, let me explain something.

This is how I live my life. This is what the role of dominant means to me. It may not be what dominant means to you, and that’s cool. I’ve written a lot about dominance and submission and how they are sliding scales and how there is no WON TWOO WAY™ that works for everyone. YMMV.

That’s important. smiles I’m offering this up for debate to proof my convictions, and to allow others to take apart my points, if you so choose.

Read More

Content warning: r^pe mentioned.

When I post these debates, I often don’t have an opinion, and I say so.

In this case I do, and I will say so. First, though, I’ll present the idea and the two sides as I see them. I’ll likely do this imperfectly. Just a warning.

Biphobia and switchphobia are not really “fears,” per se, but a pattern of beliefs that makes people less likely to find those who identify as bisexual or as a switch desirable.

There are many reasons/excuses, and some are similar for both bisexuality and switching, while some are different.

Read More

I watched this video a few months back, and it gave a different side to the Cinderella story—one that shows Cinderella as strong, capable, and authentic.

What do you think?

Is Cinderella a good role model for girls because of her persistence in the face of adversity, or is she just a meek, timid woman waiting for the white knight (prince) to rescue her?