What Are Your Kinky Questions? ASK THEM!

What is kinky, anyway?

What questions do you have about kink?

OR what questions have you had about kink in the past when you were a brand-spanking new kinkster?

OR what questions would you want a newbie to kink to ask you or an expert that you trust?

(No need to say which is which, necessarily. grins)

If you have answers to the questions you pose, please share them as well. If you have answers to what other people ask, or opinions, please feel free to answer.

I’m looking to find out what you want to know, and to help you find out what you want to know.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m going to be writing a book about “What is kinky?” and I’ll probably take inspiration from your questions, and possibly use (with permission and attribution) quotes of your answers.

Communication Is NOT The Most Important Part Of A Relationship—Kinky Or Otherwise

And this is coming from someone who teaches communication classes.

So, what’s the most important thing in a relationship?

Appreciating your partner. Truly. Deeply. Wonderfully.

Appreciate who they are as people.

Appreciate what they do for you.

Appreciate their character and drive.

Appreciate their quirks and foibles.

Because without that appreciation, you will run into communication killers—those things that will make your conversations into arguments and your collaborations into battles.

You’ll lose the benefit of the doubt to get you through stressful times, hurtful times.

You’ll try to make them over or run their lives or create rules like you might for a child, and well, that rarely goes over well.

And it shouldn’t.

And it’s not just appreciation for your partner.

You must have appreciation for you. Because unless you feel strength and contribution and the ability to make good choices, you will have a hard time truly appreciating your partner.

Because you won’t be sure you picked the right one. And doubts will eat at you and erode what you’d built.

And you won’t trust.

And communication (which IS critically important) won’t happen.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

How Will I Know?

How Will I Know?

No, don’t “Just trust your feelings,” that’s a most excellent way to fuck everything up.

But it’s a catchy tune, for sure.

On yesterday’s writing, @Rima asked:

My question is…how does one know if the shared goal is to strengthen the relationship? Simply by asking?

Well, asking is one step, sure.

Continue reading “How Will I Know?”

Validation: A Human Need

Validation

Over this past weekend, as I was in Jacksonville to teach, a writing of mine popped back up for a spate of attention.

The Needs Hierarchy

Which, interestingly, I was going to talk about in my class that afternoon, and bring up in many classes I teach as an illustrative example.

@James-P commented on the post, about validation, and offered that validation is a basic human need. I asked questions, and the conversation went less than spectacularly, however…

He has a point.

And a good one.

In the original article I did not presume to map out any human needs or wants, as I feel that tends to be innately personal.

However, the idea of validation as a human need is worth writing about, so here I am.

Continue reading “Validation: A Human Need”

The Vulnerability And Scariness Of Pattern Interrupts

The Vulnerability And Scariness Of Pattern Interrupts

A friend reached out yesterday about pattern interrupts, because I’ve been preaching them for years, and they had an ‘Ah-ha!’ they wanted to share. They graciously gave me permission to share the conversation with you, because as we talked, I felt like they touched on parts of the pattern interrupt process that are rarely discussed, and I never thought to bring up.

But first, let’s talk about pattern interrupts.

What are they, and why might they be good?

A pattern interrupt is a technique to change a particular thought, behavior or situation. Behavioral psychology and neuro linguistic programming use this technique to interrupt and change thought patterns and behaviors.

Why a Pattern Interrupt Is Just What You Need, by Helen Roe
Continue reading “The Vulnerability And Scariness Of Pattern Interrupts”

Your ‘But’ Is Showing

Your 'But" Is Showing

Imagine you are with a kinky play partner, lounging around in the afterglow of an amazing scene and they say:

“I really appreciate you as a friend, I am glad we get to spend time together, and I especially like how your kinks and mine are so compatible…,” and then they pause and add “…BUT….”

Or someone says:

“I was really impressed with that scene you did…but…”

“That’s an amazing corset…but…”

“I like your new hairstyle…but…”

Or, one of my favorites:

“You’re right…but…”

When we use the word “but” in the middle of a sentence, it effectively negates everything that goes before it in the mind of others, and tells them the REALLY important bit is coming.

It makes that first dangly bit of words before the conjunction a sort of emotional sop that almost no one believes or takes good from.

In case you didn’t realize.

If you did, well, yay!

Spread the word.

On Gender Inclusive Language: A Request For Your Emotional Labor

On Gender Inclusive Language

CW: trans and potentially transphobic language in use.

I teach a class on anal play. It’s a great class, full of fun and laughter, and it’s a gender inclusive class, because every gender has a butthole.

But, not every body has exactly the same butthole pieces-parts.

Because some bodies have p-spots, and some have g-spots.

And these differences are important when discussing pleasure-giving to people with chocolate starfish.

Because while spear-fishing for poop sharks can be insanely good sexy times for all, the whats, wheres and hows differ on the bodies and their sexual maps.

This weekend, I’m traveling to Gettysburg, PA to Naughty Noel, and I’m presenting that class, and I’m working on The Big Book of Ass (which I’m WAYYYYY behind on, but that may be a good thing, as this writing could help make it better and more inclusive), and I want to make sure that I’m being as clear and as gender inclusive as possible.

My next book…

Which brings us to the reason for this post.

This morning, I received feedback on a recent class I gave, and the quote was:

“I appreciated the attempt to be inclusive of all gender ID’s & sexualities, but it wasn’t entirely effective. For ex: ‘people w/ prostrates’ instead of ‘male bodied people’ etc. The language was a bit bothering at times.”

First, I’d like to say “THANK YOU” to the anonymous person who wrote that, as it gives me a new place to start learning from.

I don’t want to be bothering (although I’m not sure I can be 100% not-bothering to everyone).

I do want to be inclusive, and I do want to be clear.

So, I’m asking for feedback.

I had been lead to believe (several years ago) that when speaking of specifically sexual characteristics, male-bodied and female-bodied was OK.

I read that comment, and went searching the ‘net, and I now know that those terms are considered transphobic and cissexist.

Which I don’t want to be, and don’t feel that I am.

What I am is clueless, and not from lack of trying.

Funny this should happen now, after writing just yesterday on occhiolism, and how I know very little (next to nothing) about being non-cis.

The universe has a way of driving it’s point home, I find.

So, I’m looking for ways to speak specifically about biologically sexual/physical differences in bodies and be gender inclusive.

  • People with prostates (suggested in the feedback) or Gräfenberg spots.
  • People with p-spots or g-spots.
  • P-spot havers or g-spot havers.

Of course, the same for penis-, testicle-, vagina- or clitoris-havers.

What else is right and clear? What else puts trans- or nonbinary-folk at ease and educates?

Maybe that’s all.

If so, that will have to be enough.

As a writer/educator, I’m asking so that I can lead by example when I present, and when I share on FetLife and other sites.

Communication: Conflict Resolution Protocol

Communication: Conflict Resolution Protocol

I’ve been quiet lately. My last writing just over a month ago.

My Fall has been a series of loops and WTFs I didn’t see coming, traveling to teach, flakes, and stress up the wazoo. I’m WAY behind on everything.

I’ve TRIED to keep up with my messages as I can. I have over 91 I’ve not yet read.

BUT… there were I few I worked very hard to stay on top of, and that is those from people who were in my classes over the last few months, because I said they could follow up with me with questions.

Today’s writing is inspired by one of those questions.

Continue reading “Communication: Conflict Resolution Protocol”