I Teach That Communication Is Not The Words You Say, But Every Action, Every Moment Until The End of Time

Back in April, I wrote That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do, which sparked some good debate from both sides, in agreement and against.

After all, who hasn’t known the pain of giving something that was not at all appreciated, and who hasn’t also had people give them things they didn’t want, and say they were ungrateful?

I think we’ve all been in both pairs of shoes.

@UnicornHusbandry said something perfectly in a comment, that I’d like to share and expound upon.

It should be a lot more simple than it is. The issue seems almost childish. But it’s such a common problem in relationships, isn’t it?

What we give to another person, in time, affection or gifts, all indicates who we believe them to be. Do we see them as our property? Do we see them as our student or child who must be instructed? Do we see them as our parent who must offer us unlimited support and affection?

For example, big-scary-thing-in-life happens. How do you treat your partner?

  • Command them in what to do? (property)
  • Give them ideas and suggestions and teach them? (student or child)
  • Cower behind them and expect them to save us? (parent)
  • Offer support and say, “I know you’ve got this, and I’m here, always, if you need or want anything.” (capable adult)

How we engage with others communicates clearly how we view them.

Over time.

I wrote this in 2014: How Do I Say…?

It still guides my relationship with my Pet every moment.

It still guides me in my relationships throughout my life.

It’s a reminder that showing appreciation for those around me is not a once in a while thing, but an ongoing series of actions from now until the end of time.

Which written out like that, seems pretty heavy.

Like those ads that we see around Christmas about not getting a puppy as a present. A relationship may be a lifetime commitment—every moment of every day.

Of course, there are many relationships: friends, lovers, children, bosses, coworkers.

And we communicate with all of them with our actions.

And when we act unthinkingly with those around us, we communicate that we are not thinking of them.

When we treat people as we see them…

We may be communicating that we see them more clearly than anyone—or that we don’t see them at all.

Sure, there are days when I am distracted, and I don’t pay the people around me as much attention as they may want.

I’m human.

However, over time, my people know I’m here for them, in nearly anything, from needing an ear for a rant, to being the place they flee to when their latest relationship ends and they have no place to live that isn’t full of broken hearts.

And that’s what I want to communicate to them. So, I make sure I AM there for them, because that’s the best way to make that clear.

Seems simple, right?

Then why do we so often get it wrong?

Sneaky Needs

He’s fucking sexy, this new guy. Reminds me of Warrick Brown from the original CSI (RAWR!), except instead of greenish grey eyes, his are bluish grey, and delightfully wicked.

We were having tea on Saturday. A spontaneous thing. I had some time, and I asked him (on Tinder) would he like to meet.

A bit more than two hours of conversation ensued.

And during that conversation, I asked him what he was looking for on Tinder (always a moment of truth), and I looked him in the eyes.

He looked away, looked back, laughed a bit (not nervously, more self-deprecatingly, as I interpreted it), and said:

“Well, I like to fuck.”

If my panties didn’t fall to the ground in that instant, it’s only because my jeans were in the way.

Not because of the fucking. After at least 90 minutes of discussing sex and kink and whatever came to mind, I “knew” him as a sexual being.

It was that he told his truth. Simply. Clearly. Without shame.

He said what he wanted, and he owned it.

Which makes it so much easier to respond to, negotiate, and fulfill. Or not.

I’ve written about Nice Guys/Girls (NGs) before, and covert contracts.

NGs’ real crime is not that they have needs, but that they are so afraid of their needs that they are super sneaky about them—even to themselves.

NGs try to force everyone to guess what they want in return for “being nice,” for listening, for that steak dinner—as if these things are commodities for trade, which is another thing they make us guess at—and thereby make themselves impossible to please, because no one is a mind reader.

And sure, I’m guessing saying that you’re on Tinder to fuck will get more than a few “Nos,” but the “Yeses” you get will be 100% authentic, because there is no guessing what’s up.

It’s right there, clear as day, and up for negotiation.

Which is sexy AF.

Anyone disagree?

What Are Your Kinky Questions? ASK THEM!

What is kinky, anyway?

What questions do you have about kink?

OR what questions have you had about kink in the past when you were a brand-spanking new kinkster?

OR what questions would you want a newbie to kink to ask you or an expert that you trust?

(No need to say which is which, necessarily. grins)

If you have answers to the questions you pose, please share them as well. If you have answers to what other people ask, or opinions, please feel free to answer.

I’m looking to find out what you want to know, and to help you find out what you want to know.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m going to be writing a book about “What is kinky?” and I’ll probably take inspiration from your questions, and possibly use (with permission and attribution) quotes of your answers.

Communication Is NOT The Most Important Part Of A Relationship—Kinky Or Otherwise

And this is coming from someone who teaches communication classes.

So, what’s the most important thing in a relationship?

Appreciating your partner. Truly. Deeply. Wonderfully.

Appreciate who they are as people.

Appreciate what they do for you.

Appreciate their character and drive.

Appreciate their quirks and foibles.

Because without that appreciation, you will run into communication killers—those things that will make your conversations into arguments and your collaborations into battles.

You’ll lose the benefit of the doubt to get you through stressful times, hurtful times.

You’ll try to make them over or run their lives or create rules like you might for a child, and well, that rarely goes over well.

And it shouldn’t.

And it’s not just appreciation for your partner.

You must have appreciation for you. Because unless you feel strength and contribution and the ability to make good choices, you will have a hard time truly appreciating your partner.

Because you won’t be sure you picked the right one. And doubts will eat at you and erode what you’d built.

And you won’t trust.

And communication (which IS critically important) won’t happen.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

How Will I Know?

How Will I Know?

No, don’t “Just trust your feelings,” that’s a most excellent way to fuck everything up.

But it’s a catchy tune, for sure.

On yesterday’s writing, @Rima asked:

My question is…how does one know if the shared goal is to strengthen the relationship? Simply by asking?

Well, asking is one step, sure.

Continue reading “How Will I Know?”

Validation: A Human Need

Validation

Over this past weekend, as I was in Jacksonville to teach, a writing of mine popped back up for a spate of attention.

The Needs Hierarchy

Which, interestingly, I was going to talk about in my class that afternoon, and bring up in many classes I teach as an illustrative example.

@James-P commented on the post, about validation, and offered that validation is a basic human need. I asked questions, and the conversation went less than spectacularly, however…

He has a point.

And a good one.

In the original article I did not presume to map out any human needs or wants, as I feel that tends to be innately personal.

However, the idea of validation as a human need is worth writing about, so here I am.

Continue reading “Validation: A Human Need”

The Vulnerability And Scariness Of Pattern Interrupts

The Vulnerability And Scariness Of Pattern Interrupts

A friend reached out yesterday about pattern interrupts, because I’ve been preaching them for years, and they had an ‘Ah-ha!’ they wanted to share. They graciously gave me permission to share the conversation with you, because as we talked, I felt like they touched on parts of the pattern interrupt process that are rarely discussed, and I never thought to bring up.

But first, let’s talk about pattern interrupts.

What are they, and why might they be good?

A pattern interrupt is a technique to change a particular thought, behavior or situation. Behavioral psychology and neuro linguistic programming use this technique to interrupt and change thought patterns and behaviors.

Why a Pattern Interrupt Is Just What You Need, by Helen Roe
Continue reading “The Vulnerability And Scariness Of Pattern Interrupts”

Your ‘But’ Is Showing

Your 'But" Is Showing

Imagine you are with a kinky play partner, lounging around in the afterglow of an amazing scene and they say:

“I really appreciate you as a friend, I am glad we get to spend time together, and I especially like how your kinks and mine are so compatible…,” and then they pause and add “…BUT….”

Or someone says:

“I was really impressed with that scene you did…but…”

“That’s an amazing corset…but…”

“I like your new hairstyle…but…”

Or, one of my favorites:

“You’re right…but…”

When we use the word “but” in the middle of a sentence, it effectively negates everything that goes before it in the mind of others, and tells them the REALLY important bit is coming.

It makes that first dangly bit of words before the conjunction a sort of emotional sop that almost no one believes or takes good from.

In case you didn’t realize.

If you did, well, yay!

Spread the word.