Fuck NO, I Will NOT Compromise!

It's raining and two people are each hold half of an umbrella, while neither stays dry.

It’s a tired old trope:

Good relationships require compromise.

I call bullshit. Not only that, but I also call hard limit.

Do you even KNOW what compromise is?

1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad. But what IS a concession? It’s what happens when you concede. Know what that means?

1. Admit defeat in a contest.

2. surrender or yield (something that one possesses)

Really? You think that’s OK to ask of me? You think it’s OK to create a relationship where contesting each other is the norm, then force your partner to concede?

You know another definition for compromise?

2. the acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Ewww. No. Not just no.

FUCK NO! I will not:

  • Enter a relationship of any kind (friendship, lovers, marriage) where we contest against each other.
  • Choose to lower my standards to make a relationship work.
  • Give up the things I love and want in my life for you.
  • Create a relationship where I would ask you to do those things, either.

And I will thank you very much not to ask me to do it, because it’s like you’re saying, “I know your stated (or exhibited) thoughts, feelings and needs on this, but mine are way more important, so you should give up some of yours.”

And somehow, it’s even worse if you are willing to give up your own.

Really? You’ll lower your standards to be with me? Whelp. Don’t that make me feel special?

On the other hand…

Fuck Yeah, I will:

Come to you with my needs and desires, and I will expect you to come to me with yours, and we will help each other get all that we’ve ever wanted, to fulfill our fantasies and experience our dreams, to the best of our abilities (I can’t, at this point in my life put my knees behind my ears… we might need to bring in a stunt double for that that scene).

I’ll even go one or even several steps beyond that.

I’ll share myself and offer even more than I know you want, and show you other things you may have never dreamed of or looked for that add joy and laughter and love and more to your life when you are with me and when we are apart.

And I will fuck compromise. Fuck it right in it’s shitty little concessions.

Covert Contracts Are Ruining Your Relationship(s)!

A business man and business woman playing tug-of-war with a contract.

Do you feel resentment in your relationship(s)?

Do you feel burdened?

I’m not talking about kids and work and having to do laundry (just not the folding, please!!!). I’m talking about feeling burdened by the things you have to do to keep the relationship going.

Do you?

That’s a sure sign that you have entered into a covert contract with your other(s), and that’s never a good thing. Continue reading “Covert Contracts Are Ruining Your Relationship(s)!”

They Don’t Tell You Because You’re Not Safe

You're Not Safe

Someone I know and like very much was hurt today. Hurt because they just found out something I have known for a over 10 months.

About their partner of 27 years.

They wondered why I knew, and they didn’t, why I was told and they were not.

The answer is simple.

But it’s not easy. It’s never easy.

I’m safe.

They are not.

I am safe to tell things to. Almost anything. I do my best to be open-minded and help find a solution, or to just listen, rather than react or try to take action on another’s behalf.

You see, this person I care about is a crusader. They mean well. And they are amazing and wonderful.

When you need a crusader.

When you just want to be heard, though… A crusader is a bull in a china shop, breaking friendships and stomping on history, trying to protect the one they love, when it’s really not that big of a deal.

Or, maybe it is, but their partner is not yet ready to handle it like the big deal it is, so the bull would be stomping all over them, making them feel like they are wrong for wanting to handle it their own way.You’re Not Safe

There are many ways to not be safe, and many fall under the category of reactions:

  • react with anger
  • react with guilt
  • react with anguish
  • react with derision
  • react with “fixes”

You see where I’m going with this?

And there are many ways to be a safe space:

  • respond with love
  • respond with empathy (which not everyone has)
  • respond with an open mind
  • respond with acceptance
  • respond with offers to help, however you can

Of course, one writing can’t cover every way to be safe or every way to be unsafe in a person’s eyes. Every person is different. Every situation is different.

But I challenge you to ask yourself if you are safe. Would your loved ones tell you ANYTHING?

In what ways are you not safe? Or… maybe a better question is: In what topics are you not safe, and what can you do about it?

Any Problem You Can’t Discuss In Your Relationship…

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Any problem you can’t discuss in your relationship is two problems. Or more.

  1. The problem itself.
  2. The problem of not being able to discuss it.

Lately, the topic of relationships black holes has come up in several conversations. I take that as a sign I need to write and think about it.

Let’s say you have a problem. You talk about it, and it doesn’t work, so you put it away, and avoid talking about it again. (1)

Now, a new problem pops up, and you start to talk about it. Unfortunately, too late, you realize that it’s related, and the topic comes back to THAT WHICH WE DON’T DISCUSS. You put it away, too. This problem has just become a part of the relationship black hole. There will be multiple problems like this. (2)

Relationship Black Holes. 

Shows four concentric circles. The inner is labeled "original problem." 

The next is labeled "Related, but ultimate separate topics from the PROBLEM."

The third is labeled "Topics that touch on topics related to the PROBLEM."

The outermost ring is labeled "Completely unrelated topics that just piss you off and trigger your resentment."

Unfortunately, the nature of a black hole is to suck things in. Now, even a problem that wasn’t related to the first problem, but is related to the related problem is now a potential powder keg. Luckily, by this point, you’ve gotten more savvy, and you avoid talking about it, just put it away as soon as you see it. (3)

And, then, the final stage, when the black hole takes over your whole relationship. This is when anything that pisses you off, causes resentment, or makes you feel sad brings you right back to the original problem, because it’s been festering so long. (4).

Let’s look at this in an example:

You forgot my birthday. It’s a BIG deal to me, and I get upset. You are intractable, and I feel like you just don’t understand. We have a huge blow-up. No one gets what they want, no resolution is found, and it just gets put away. (1)

Unfortunately, two weeks later your bestie throws a surprise party for their partner, which sets us off again. That’s when we realize that every mention of birthdays will be an issue. We pack it away, dry our angry tears and go to the party with our friends. It’s not brought up again. (2)

A few months later, when a sort of truce on birthdays has been created by just not talking about them or acknowledging the issue at all, I see an over-the-top romantic video online for an anniversary. I send it to you, suggesting that MAYBE you won’t forget our anniversary, too. It’s only three months away. Now every celebration of love, affection, and appreciation is a part of the relationship black hole. (3)

The relationship goes on, limping along, until a few weeks before my next birthday, when you forget to take out the trash, and it becomes, “You never remember anything that makes me happy! That’s why you forget my birthday!”

Now, everything that upsets me or pisses me off brings up that core hurt (and possibly others) because it’s never been resolved, and because I’ve gone over it again and again in my mind, so I’m familiar with the pain, and can access it instantly. (4)

So, would you rather have one problem to talk about or two problems that multiply exponentially?

Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps.

Your ____ always makes me smile.

My friend Pepper_Pots was teaching a class about the 5 love languages at The Venue (FetLife link) about two weeks ago, and she said this about compliments:

“Don’t just tell me I’m pretty over and over. The first time I’ll smile. After a while, it just gets tedious, and I won’t respond. Be more creative.”

Or something to that effect. She was discussing “Words of Affirmation,” one of the love languages.

Later, she and I talked a bit about how we feel about compliments, and what makes a compliment worth getting to us, and interestingly enough, my Pet and I had had a similar conversation just the day before, in relation to a shared event.

Today, a few more thoughts came together (from a Polyamory group on FB and some writings of David Shade), and I was inspired to write about it. *smiles*

1. Don’t bother with being smooth. Be authentic.

Actually, being authentic often (not always, for sure) comes across as being smooth, so you have a bonus there. Continue reading “Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps.”

Why I Think “Empathy” Is An Often Misused And Therefore Harmful Concept

Empathy

TL;DR

In short, empathy, in my view is a lazy excuse for doing something you think will be right, rather than actually communicating with another human being.


Those of you who read me often know I’m all about communication, and in order to communicate, we have to use words that mean the same thing to each of us.

So, first I’m going to define empathy:

em·pa·thy

ˈempəTHē
noun: empathy

the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Continue reading “Why I Think “Empathy” Is An Often Misused And Therefore Harmful Concept”

How Do I Say…?

How Do I Say?

I cannot think of a single word, or series of words, no matter how long, that will convey everything I have inside my heart and my head for you.

Except one.

Our entire existence. From the moment we met. THAT is how I tell you all I want to say. My every look. My every action.

From that single moment, until the end of the future. My words and actions. For you.

That is my definition of love. My definition of adore, when it comes to you. I hope it is enough.

Image by Nietjuh on Pixabay