I call bullshit. Not only that, but I also call hard limit.
Do you even KNOW what compromise is?
1. an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.
Ok, that doesn’t sound too bad. But what IS a concession? It’s what happens when you concede. Know what that means?
1. Admit defeat in a contest.
2. surrender or yield (something that one possesses)
Really? You think that’s OK to ask of me? You think it’s OK to create a relationship where contesting each other is the norm, then force your partner to concede?
You know another definition for compromise?
2. the acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.
Ewww. No. Not just no.
FUCK NO! I will not:
Enter a relationship of any kind (friendship, lovers, marriage) where we contest against each other.
Choose to lower my standards to make a relationship work.
Give up the things I love and want in my life for you.
Create a relationship where I would ask you to do those things, either.
And I will thank you very much not to ask me to do it, because it’s like you’re saying, “I know your stated (or exhibited) thoughts, feelings and needs on this, but mine are way more important, so you should give up some of yours.”
And somehow, it’s even worse if you are willing to give up your own.
Really? You’ll lower your standards to be with me? Whelp. Don’t that make me feel special?
On the other hand…
Fuck Yeah, I will:
Come to you with my needs and desires, and I will expect you to come to me with yours, and we will help each other get all that we’ve ever wanted, to fulfill our fantasies and experience our dreams, to the best of our abilities (I can’t, at this point in my life put my knees behind my ears… we might need to bring in a stunt double for that that scene).
I’ll even go one or even several steps beyond that.
I’ll share myself and offer even more than I know you want, and show you other things you may have never dreamed of or looked for that add joy and laughter and love and more to your life when you are with me and when we are apart.
And I will fuck compromise. Fuck it right in it’s shitty little concessions.
Someone I know and like very much was hurt today. Hurt because they just found out something I have known for a over 10 months.
About their partner of 27 years.
They wondered why I knew, and they didn’t, why I was told and they were not.
The answer is simple.
But it’s not easy. It’s never easy.
They are not.
I am safe to tell things to. Almost anything. I do my best to be
open-minded and help find a solution, or to just listen, rather than
react or try to take action on another’s behalf.
You see, this person I care about is a crusader. They mean well. And they are amazing and wonderful.
When you need a crusader.
When you just want to be heard, though… A crusader is a bull in a
china shop, breaking friendships and stomping on history, trying to
protect the one they love, when it’s really not that big of a deal.
Or, maybe it is, but their partner is not yet ready to handle it like the big deal it is, so the bull would be stomping all over them, making them feel like they are wrong for wanting to handle it their own way.You’re Not Safe
There are many ways to not be safe, and many fall under the category of reactions:
react with anger
react with guilt
react with anguish
react with derision
react with “fixes”
You see where I’m going with this?
And there are many ways to be a safe space:
respond with love
respond with empathy (which not everyone has)
respond with an open mind
respond with acceptance
respond with offers to help, however you can
Of course, one writing can’t cover every way to be safe or every way
to be unsafe in a person’s eyes. Every person is different. Every
situation is different.
But I challenge you to ask yourself if you are safe. Would your loved ones tell you ANYTHING?
In what ways are you not safe? Or… maybe a better question is: In what topics are you not safe, and what can you do about it?
Any problem you can’t discuss in your relationship is two problems. Or more.
The problem itself.
The problem of not being able to discuss it.
Lately, the topic of relationships black holes has come up in several
conversations. I take that as a sign I need to write and think about
Let’s say you have a problem. You talk about it, and it doesn’t work, so you put it away, and avoid talking about it again. (1)
Now, a new problem pops up, and you start to talk about it. Unfortunately, too late, you realize that it’s related, and the topic comes back to THAT WHICH WE DON’T DISCUSS. You put it away, too. This problem has just become a part of the relationship black hole. There will be multiple problems like this. (2)
Unfortunately, the nature of a black hole is to suck things in. Now,
even a problem that wasn’t related to the first problem, but is related
to the related problem is now a potential powder keg. Luckily, by this
point, you’ve gotten more savvy, and you avoid talking about it, just
put it away as soon as you see it. (3)
And, then, the final stage, when the black hole takes over your whole
relationship. This is when anything that pisses you off, causes
resentment, or makes you feel sad brings you right back to the original
problem, because it’s been festering so long. (4).
Let’s look at this in an example:
You forgot my birthday. It’s a BIG deal to me, and I get upset. You
are intractable, and I feel like you just don’t understand. We have a
huge blow-up. No one gets what they want, no resolution is found, and it
just gets put away. (1)
Unfortunately, two weeks later your bestie throws a surprise party
for their partner, which sets us off again. That’s when we realize that
every mention of birthdays will be an issue. We pack it away, dry our
angry tears and go to the party with our friends. It’s not brought up
A few months later, when a sort of truce on birthdays has been
created by just not talking about them or acknowledging the issue at
all, I see an over-the-top romantic video online for an anniversary. I
send it to you, suggesting that MAYBE you won’t forget our anniversary,
too. It’s only three months away. Now every celebration of love,
affection, and appreciation is a part of the relationship black hole.
The relationship goes on, limping along, until a few weeks before my
next birthday, when you forget to take out the trash, and it becomes,
“You never remember anything that makes me happy! That’s why you forget
Now, everything that upsets me or pisses me off brings up that core
hurt (and possibly others) because it’s never been resolved, and because
I’ve gone over it again and again in my mind, so I’m familiar with the
pain, and can access it instantly. (4)
So, would you rather have one problem to talk about or two problems that multiply exponentially?
My friend Pepper_Pots was teaching a class about the 5 love languages at The Venue (FetLife link) about two weeks ago, and she said this about compliments:
“Don’t just tell me I’m pretty over and over. The first time I’ll smile. After a while, it just gets tedious, and I won’t respond. Be more creative.”
Or something to that effect. She was discussing “Words of Affirmation,” one of the love languages.
Later, she and I talked a bit about how we feel about compliments, and what makes a compliment worth getting to us, and interestingly enough, my Pet and I had had a similar conversation just the day before, in relation to a shared event.
Today, a few more thoughts came together (from a Polyamory group on FB and some writings of David Shade), and I was inspired to write about it. *smiles*