How Do I Dom Thee? Let Me Count The Ways…

How Do I Dom Thee?

I ruin your orgasms. Except when I take them for myself with joy.

I’m sweet and loving. Except when I’m cranky and snarky.

I am stern and demanding. Except for the times I give in to the puppy dog face because it makes me so happy to do so.

I will humiliate you and poke at your deepest insecurities. Except when I’m building you up and encouraging you.

I will hurt you and set your nerves on fire. Except for when I pleasure you or cuddle you.

I will wear six-inch stilettos and latex. Except when I prefer yoga pants and a tank top—or nothing at all.

I wrote a piece in 2014 that I use to close my communications class: How Do I Say…?. I revisited the idea in 2017 with One Cannot Not Communicate.

In kink, we talk a lot about communication and consent and protocol and sex and lots of other good things. I love it, and engage in these talks with abandon.

What we don’t talk about—in fact, what anyone ever anywhere rarely talks about—is non-active communication.

For some, this may call to mind numbers. 93%, 70%, 55% — All tied to how much of a role body language plays in our communication, versus the words we speak or our tone of voice.

That’s not entirely what I mean.

Although that’s part of it.

What I mean is that we communicate most often (93% of the time, maybe) without thinking about communicating.

I do most of my domination without thinking of being dominant. Submissives do most of their submission without thinking about submitting. Sportsballers do most of their sportsball without thinking about sportsballing.

AT THAT TIME.

Our conscious acts of communication, domination, submission, or sportballing the perfect play are the highlight reels, the ones we watch over and over in our minds when we get them right or wrong, either patting ourselves on the back or flogging ourselves for blowing it.

Those are what we mostly focus on.

But those don’t make up vast majority of our lives and communication, or even much of our lives and communication. Life is too full for most of us to be conscious and intentional all of the time.

And the rest of the time, we autopilot.

And THAT tells people who we really are, when they get to see that part of us over the long haul.

They get to see how we dominate.

They get to see how we submit.

They get to see how we sportsball.

They get to see how we love, how we care for our pets, how we treat waiters, how we listen to children (or don’t), how we appreciate the beauty of nature, care for our environment, care for ourselves…

Because who we are in our non-intentional time is the largest part of who we are. And it’s the largest part of who people experience of us.

How I dom thee is not the scene.

  • It’s the planning the scene, with attention to detail and questions asked, getting to know you.
  • It’s the greeting before the scene, and the many (or few) ways of putting you at ease.
  • It’s the headspace you are inspired to as the scene begins.
  • It is also the scene (1 hour? 3 hours?).
  • It’s the scene winding down, the small touches, the assurances, the sweet talk.
  • It’s the after care, and cuddling and closeness.
  • It’s the checking in the next day and the day after that. It’s the building of a friendship or relationship.
  • It’s the inclusion in my life, in my friends’ lives.

It’s so much more than the scene.

How I dom thee is simple.

It’s everything I do for you, to you, with you. It’s every word I say, every quirk of my lips into smile. It’s every time I touch your knee or cook for you. It’s small gifts and watching your favorite movie again for the umpteenth time.

It’s asking you if you need anything when I walk to the fridge. It’s giving you my attention when you speak. It’s listening to your advice and taking it into account. It’s sitting next to you quietly as you stress, and simply sharing my presence if you need me.

It’s everything I do right AND everything I do wrong and everything in between.

So, sure, I could tell you the many ways I dom thee… but what matters is the ways YOU experience my domming you.

How do I dom thee?

I’ll let you count the ways.

An Analogy Of The Submissive As A Car…

An Analogy Of The Submissive As A Car...

I got this piece of drivel as part of a longer conversation with a submissive telling me that as a dominant, I’m DOIN’ IT RONG.

Here are my thoughts.

“With regard to restrictions, it is pretty well accepted that when someone owns something, say a car, that the owner may do what she wishes with her property.”

You’re right. In fact, I have often compared owning a submissive to having a car or a dog that I love and that I’m proud of, and that I enjoy sharing with the world.

Want to pet my dog? Please! He loves being petted and licking your face (I don’t let him lick mine), and feels so filled up and proud when you’re done.

Like my new convertible? Want to drive it? Do it! I love it, too, and the joy I get is reflected back on me in the joy you get.

But that’s not QUITE the same as “doing whatever I wish with my property.”

A Submissive As A Car

I may CHOOSE not to change my oil. However, that will not keep my vehicle in the optimal shape for me to continue to use for as long as I wish.

I could CHOOSE to let it fall into various stages of disrepair and use it up and throw it out (or park it in my front yard to rust for a few years), as well.

However, that doesn’t really benefit me.

If I neglect my car, it will break down on me when I need it.

Worse, it may fail, and hurt someone.

And a car cannot speak to me with reason, or emotional nuance.

So, No, A Submissive Is Not A Car

People are not cars, they are people.

And even poor treatment of a car results in consequences that any outsider could see and understand that the owner is not a good one.

  • Rust spots
  • Dark smoke
  • Rattling noises
  • Noxious Fumes

By suggesting that the dominant never take into account what the submissive partner wants and responds to for optimal living, you are suggesting abuse, pure and simple.

Which may be your thing.

It’s not mine.

For my submissives, or my cars.

Image by Lynn Greyling from Pixabay

Access To The Playground

Access To The Playground

Unlike the days of being “in the know,” and searching the classified section of The Village Voice to find like-minded kinky folk, kink is no longer invite-only.

Some bemoan this fact.

They enjoyed the exclusivity, the smugness associated with taking very specific steps to gain a title or recognition or entrée into “the lifestyle.”

And that’s OK.

I enjoy it far more now.

Continue reading “Access To The Playground”

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

I’ve been pretty clear about my position on relationship or D/s protocol, and while I go out of my way to be considerate of others’ preferences, I don’t believe I am entitled (or you are) to ANYONE following personal protocol (or any other kinds of preferences).

For me, it’s simple.

Never put responsibility for your relationship protocols on others.

That is up to those of you in the relationship to maintain.

For example, if you have a relationship policy that you BOTH approve a playmate for your partner, and someone asks your partner to play, it is up to your partner to tell the asker that they will need to also contact you if they want to play with your partner.

Not up to them to know this.

And it’s not a requirement for them to then contact you. They get to make the choice whether they follow-through or not, and whether they want to participate in your relationship protocols.

Even if they want to play.Even if they want to play.

Continue reading “Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich”

She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty

She Needs to Know That You're CAPABLE of Cruelty

Guest Post by _Vidar_ (FetLife link)

“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”
Niccolo Machiavelli

That doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d like to be in, either as the giver or reciever of fear, but there’s a kernel of applicable wisdom in there.

Awhile back (I wouldn’t recommend this) my first scenes with a few women were very severe and in every case, we developed interesting relationships that had legs. That was probably part luck, but there was more to it than that. From the outset, my willingness to be brutal was never in question

Continue reading “She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty”

Oh, I See. It’s For MY Protection.

Oh, I See. It's For MY Protection.

After some random dude sent me a clear list in his second message to me of the types of lovers I’d be expected to take as his cuckoldress:

  • Young
  • Fit
  • Large/Well-endowed
  • Dedicated
  • Black
  • And etc.

I replied:

I do not subscribe to any relationship where someone gets to tell me what kind of lovers to take.

Nor, would I tell them what kind of lovers to take or not, unless we negotiated those restrictions together, for mutual pleasure.

Best of luck in everything.

Now, I know not everyone believe in 100% personal autonomy in relationships, ESPECIALLY in D/s relationships.

I get that.

I do me just fine, and if you doing you gets in the way of me doing me, we just won’t do together.

No hard feelings.

No denigration (from me).

Just no “doing.”

So, I do my best to be clear and honest, without sounding ‘poly-er-than-thou’ or TEH UBER CUCKOLDRESS (if that’s their line), and simply decline.

Well, this one thought I was calling him “oppressive and a controlling partner,” and felt a need to explain himself.

Along with stating he wanted control over who I might sleep with in this fictional relationship he contacted me about starting up, which I had already declined (quite politely, I think) he went on to say that he screens and carefully selects, has preferences as to physical type, age and race, and dropped this bomb:

“It’s protecting my woman is what I call it. I value safety, privacy and good heath.”

Oh, well that makes all the difference, doesn’t it?

It’s not about what he wants, really. Or about his insecurities. Or about cuckolding being woman-driven.

It’s about protecting HIS WOMAN.

Which I am not, and yet, he felt a need to tell me all of his requirements in detail. Much like you might search for a set of speakers on Amazon to fit a specific niche in your home.

Sure, I get that if it’s not a fit, it’s faster to do that and just move on. I PREACH this shit. Daily.

But don’t pretend it’s about protecting me.

It’s your kink. Cool.

It’s not protection.

I’m 45 years old. I’ve made more in all of my long-term relationships (except one) than my partners (by far—I was the breadwinner for 20 years).

I’ve traveled the country and internationally alone by trains, planes, automobiles, bus, hitchhiking, ships, and 18-wheelers.

[I’ve only once had bad sex.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/3606036]

I’ve never been outed or stalked by someone I chose to be intimate with.

I’ve never been attacked by violently a man in a relationship. I have in actual fight training and in two attempted rapes (one had a knife), and I beat them off.

I’ve never gotten an STI/STD aside from HSV-1, which I was born with.

I’ve met complete strangers for dates and sex in strange cities, and have come out alive (I did take precautions).

And yet, this man thinks that entering into a relationship with a dominant woman into cuckolding means that I will somehow suddenly need his protection.

So, I said to him, “As the dominant in my relationships, I protect myself and my partner. I also appreciate protection. I do not, however, feel that having my sexual choices made for me is any sort of protection, because I do not feel that anyone cares more about my wellness and health than I do.”

Which is when he let me down gently, and told me that we could be friends, but that a “meaningful relationship” was out of the picture.

cries

Ok, I feel better now.

What are your thoughts on protection?

I don’t deny that there are amazing benefits to protection, both mutual and one-way.

To me, this goes back to the idea of negotiating those protections/restrictions together as a relationship grows, and as they are needed/wanted.

Where is YOUR line? What takes from protection (for example) to oppressive and controlling self-interest?

Image from KELLEPICS on pixabay.

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

A common conversation:

They say:

Something, something, kink, something, blah blah blah, [insert porn ideology here].

I reply:

“That’s all fantasy. Reality is a different world.”

They return:

Well, reality is overrated.

This is where they always lose me.

Reality is my homey. You dis reality, you dis me.

I’m all about the real.

In fact, I don’t even “fantasize” in the normal ways, because when I have fantasies, I generally pursue them and realize them, and know that fantasy cannot (for me) ever beat the feel of flesh on flesh, the scent of another body, then sounds of grunts and words, the tastes of sweat and saliva, the sights, even of blackness when blindfolded.

To me, fantasy is the bit that’s overrated.

I mean, it’s fun. I don’t knock it. I read fantasy and fiction. It’s entertaining. It’s inspiring. I credit books with shaping my life in many ways.

As Jimmy so wisely said:

“Read dozens of books about heroes and crooks,
And I learned much from both of their styles.”

Sharing fantasies with Pet has allowed me to get to know his deeper self much more effectively (I believe) than trying to dig out and discover things as I went, or as they came up in conversation.

Even online porn and memes, which often represent the most extreme edges of la-la land and unrealistic ideations of what a specific kink might represent has it’s uses when made into a tool for talking about concepts that we may not yet have had our own words for.

But for us, while the fantasy is useful and hot, nothing beats actually doing things together. Even when they are not as extreme, perhaps, they still have US. Our connection. Our real senses of touch and taste and hearing. And they fit into our real lives as well.

And I’ve seen fantasy become a jail for many. An addiction.

Those who fall willingly down the rabbit hole of extreme ideas and fetishes, who never even experienced the first level in real life, so they are constantly chasing the utmost in kinky/fetish play, when they have yet to find a partner who will even start at the basics with them.

And so, they thirst.

And thirst.

And become (and behave) THIRSTY.

And people turn away, because those who look for these things in reality know the unrealistic fantasy when they see it. And know the addiction.

In my view, fantasy can be an amazing tool for communication and inspiration in a relationship.

If it’s never backed up by or partnered with reality, though, for me, it loses it’s appeal and fast.

What do you think?

What is amazing about fantasy? What is good? How has it helped you in your exploration of kink or your relationships?

What is not so healthy about fantasy? Have you seen it in a negative light before?

And reality. What do you LOVE about reality? What frustrates you about it, or when does reality feel like a let-down?

I’m Writing About Anal Porn…

A Is For Anal

My new book, The Big Book of Ass, has a chapter titled, “Well, they do it in porn, don’t they?”

In this chapter, I talk about how even porn stars don’t do what they do without A LOT of prep and training (not to mention the “behind the scenes, between-takes stuff), and then days, even weeks of recovery after intense scenes.

Yesterday, I was approached by a man commenting about one of my pictures and posing a question to me:

“Ok so in this picture you have a cuck who I assume you never had sex with but let him worship your feet to some degree. You’re an absolute image, truly gorgeous and from what I can tell a high calibre domme and human being in general. This cuck would love to be inside you but he didn’t (again assuming), he only got your feet.”

“…the thought of being restricted to only be allowed a certain level of intimacy is seriously messing with my mind.”

“When you’re with a sub/cuck do you truly believe they are less than you? Not sure if I can handle the answer.”

I battle this every day on behalf of myself and on behalf of kink.

What you see in porn and online fantasy is GREAT, but it’s not real.

It’s no more real than Jackie Chan being ACTUALLY drunk in Drunken Master. It’s got the same basis in reality that Hans Solo or Jabba does.

Continue reading “I’m Writing About Anal Porn…”

Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.

Mostly.

The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

You’re Making Dominance HARDER For Yourself, You Know…

Stop Making Dominance Harder

Dominance is easy.

Dominance is natural.

It isn’t hard or stressful or a chore.

Well, if you’re a dominant, that’s how it should be. Unfortunately, I see a pattern in so many people who choose to self-identify as dominant. A pattern of making dominance more difficult than it is.

They make their job harder than it needs to by not gathering information about their partners. They challenge themselves to be a leader by blustering in and saying, “I have all the answers and I am going to call all the shots!”

They are trying to know it all without listening their subjects. They’re trying to have the perfect answer without even knowing what the question is.

Yes, a dominant leads and calls the shots, but the more you understand those you lead, the better and more consistent your decisions will be.

Why make your job more difficult?

A dominant leader is first and foremost (in my mind) an excellent observer and an attentive listener.

This is what makes a dominant best able to lead. To choose the right reward for behavior. To know which words make them squirm with lust and which cut them harshly in reprimand. To grok their deepest fantasies, and be able to bring them to life in your own style, to tie them to you for now or for forever.

None of this is possible if you don’t pay attention.

You can’t fake it.

In other words, quit trying to be right to your partner all the time.

Focus on understanding what is right for your partner, so you can’t help but embody that as part of your dominance.