When Good People Snap

I spent 22 years working with dogs as an enthusiastic amateur dog trainer. I worked in obedience, Rally, Agility, showing, rescue and rehab.

I did it for fun, and because I loved dogs.

And it made me a better human, too.

In fact, I learned a lot about humans from dogs and dog training. One thing I learned from Jean Donaldson in her book The Culture Clash, was about “The Bite Threshold.”

The idea is that even good dogs bite when pushed far enough.

And as people with dogs, it’s our responsibility to learn to see when “far enough” is coming too near.

To learn our dogs’ stress levels, and what adds to those levels, and see when it’s piling on and becoming too much.

For some dogs, their stress tolerance level is fairly low.

For others, it’s quite high.

However, add up enough stress, and dogs will hit the red zone where they are highly likely to bite. They may not. They may growl, or raise their hackles, or run and hide, or do ANYTHING except bite. Or they may not. Especially if running is not an option, or cowering is not making the stressor go away.

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They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!

We all know these people.

For some, it seems like this is a hobby. Hopping from one dramatic train wreck to another, always looking for advice on how to fix something that they were advised not even a week ago not to do by everyone and their dogs to avoid like the bubonic plague.

Hell, my ex-husband used to accuse me of doing the opposite of what he said all the time.

In my view, that’s because he often gave bad advice, backed up with crappy logic. Once I realized that, I respected him less for it, and it was the beginning of the end.

But, to be fair, I also stopped asking.

I had a woman approach me privately from Whips Chains & Duct Tape, asking after information about whips and whip play.

I don’t know much about whips. I’ve never taken time to learn about them or to understand the skill, and they hold little appeal for me, so I put her in contact with a friend on the other side of the slash who enjoys them and knows quite a few people REALLY FUCKING skilled in using them.

She also asked me about this new relationship with the potential whip top that had so many red flags, that a green lawn covered in them would look like the flag of mother Russia.

And I said so.

She thanked me profusely, and said she’d reach out to my friend.

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#NotAllCucks

Just wanted to share a few false “facts” many people think they know about cuckolds.

The ONLY thing all cuckolds have in common (according to me) is that they enjoy watching their partner be pleasures by another, and also are at least a little emotionally masochistic and enjoy the feelings of jealousy and sexual/emotional threat.

Not all cucks…

  • are bisexual.
  • are sissies.
  • enjoy chastity.
  • are bad in bed.
  • are sexless.
  • are white.
  • are…ahem…under-sized in the cock department.
  • are married.
  • love creampies.
  • are submissive.
  • are heterosexual.
  • enjoy humiliation.
  • love sloppy seconds.
  • have PE or ED issues.
  • are lackluster fuckers.

Some cuckolds might be all of these. Some may be a combination. Some may be only interested in watching their partners with others and enjoying the jealousy.

As a cuckoldress, and someone who teaches a cuckolding class, I run into these assumptions quite often.

What are the assumptions you run into about YOUR interests or roles?

What is your #NotAll___? What assumptions and stereotypes drive you batty, when people mention them?

Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts

Specific Experiences People (SEP) MAY be new to kink.

Their experiences may be limited to online research, watching some porn, and/or using a few toys from the local adult store with a partner while tied up.

OR, SE people MAY be VERY EXPERIENCED in certain areas.

  • They’ve spent 27 years in a D/s relationship. They know the ins and outs of THAT relationship, and are totally bewildered by dating in this day and age, and the new consent culture.
  • They are well-known for their pick-up play and their topping skills, honed over a decade, while not having and maintaining healthy relationships.
  • They are veterans of the consent expected in swing relationships and events, while being new to kink standards for play and sexuality.
  • They may have had relationships that always focused on consent, and never went “off the reservation” into CNC (consensual nonconsent), so find that a bit bewildering and intimidating.

While Wide Experiences (WE) People may have tried MANY different things. Played in lots of the areas. Sure, still not all, but they have done hundreds of pick-up play sessions, maintained long-term healthy relationships (maybe even poly!), and have delved into the darkest corners of edge play and CNC.

OR, they may have LOTS of experiences, but shallowly. Never really diving deep into any of them.

Neither SEP nor WEP are inherently better.

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How I Planned My First Orgy

My first. My Pet’s first.

For his birthday. My gift to him. I’d never had an orgy, much less planned one, but I put my organization skills to the task and pulled it off. Here’s how I did it.

The Players:

Me, W (obviously, LOL!) – Organizer
Pet, M – Guest of Honor/Birthday boy, bi

M1 – Black friend/stud, Straight-ish
M2 – Geeky friend with big cock, bi

W1 – Friend, sweet, cute, mostly lesbian
W2 – Friend, hot, sexy, dominant, mostly lesbian, somewhat flexible
W3 – Friend, beautiful, bi
W4 – Friend, beautiful, submissive, bi (the girl I’ve played with and dirty talked through mental orgasms)
W5 – Young lady, sweet, beautiful, bi

6 women, all somewhat flexible.
3 men, two flexible, the other flexible-ish.

That was a VERY good combination, and allowed for many different types of play.

The Set-Up:

I emailed everyone, asking for:

  • Name (or nickname)/how they want to be introduced.
  • What gender do they feel comfortable being approached by, sexually: men/women/both
  • Personal limits
  • Safety preferences
  • STD test results (if they wanted to share)
  • Additional notes

I made sure they all got back to me by 15 days before the event. I collected the info, and forwarded it, to introduce everyone, and give them links to our kinky profiles, so they could get to know each other better.

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My Top 6 Defenses Of The Chastity Cage

I’m not into chastity. Not my thing. I’m not a fan of chastity cages, either, for many reasons.

However, I do like to intellectually examine other viewpoints, and when someone asked me why an able bodied man would want to be placed in chastity and denied pleasure, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to think it through.

Using my own experience, the words of my Pet, and also having worked on several projects related to chastity over the years, here is the list I came up with:

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You Need To Have Power Before You Can Offer It To Me

What we do in kink is often called a power exchange.

And like most exchanges, you have to actually own what you’re offering regardless of which side of the slash you are on.

In my case, when you offer me your power, you have to show me that you own and fully understand the extent of the power you have and the value of what you are sharing with me.

I want you—nay, I need you—to KNOW all of your power, and still offer it to me. The more powerful you are, the more powerful your offer is.

Make no mistake: you ARE powerful.

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How Do I Dom Thee? Let Me Count The Ways…

How Do I Dom Thee?

I ruin your orgasms. Except when I take them for myself with joy.

I’m sweet and loving. Except when I’m cranky and snarky.

I am stern and demanding. Except for the times I give in to the puppy dog face because it makes me so happy to do so.

I will humiliate you and poke at your deepest insecurities. Except when I’m building you up and encouraging you.

I will hurt you and set your nerves on fire. Except for when I pleasure you or cuddle you.

I will wear six-inch stilettos and latex. Except when I prefer yoga pants and a tank top—or nothing at all.

I wrote a piece in 2014 that I use to close my communications class: How Do I Say…?. I revisited the idea in 2017 with One Cannot Not Communicate.

In kink, we talk a lot about communication and consent and protocol and sex and lots of other good things. I love it, and engage in these talks with abandon.

What we don’t talk about—in fact, what anyone ever anywhere rarely talks about—is non-active communication.

For some, this may call to mind numbers. 93%, 70%, 55% — All tied to how much of a role body language plays in our communication, versus the words we speak or our tone of voice.

That’s not entirely what I mean.

Although that’s part of it.

What I mean is that we communicate most often (93% of the time, maybe) without thinking about communicating.

I do most of my domination without thinking of being dominant. Submissives do most of their submission without thinking about submitting. Sportsballers do most of their sportsball without thinking about sportsballing.

AT THAT TIME.

Our conscious acts of communication, domination, submission, or sportballing the perfect play are the highlight reels, the ones we watch over and over in our minds when we get them right or wrong, either patting ourselves on the back or flogging ourselves for blowing it.

Those are what we mostly focus on.

But those don’t make up vast majority of our lives and communication, or even much of our lives and communication. Life is too full for most of us to be conscious and intentional all of the time.

And the rest of the time, we autopilot.

And THAT tells people who we really are, when they get to see that part of us over the long haul.

They get to see how we dominate.

They get to see how we submit.

They get to see how we sportsball.

They get to see how we love, how we care for our pets, how we treat waiters, how we listen to children (or don’t), how we appreciate the beauty of nature, care for our environment, care for ourselves…

Because who we are in our non-intentional time is the largest part of who we are. And it’s the largest part of who people experience of us.

How I dom thee is not the scene.

  • It’s the planning the scene, with attention to detail and questions asked, getting to know you.
  • It’s the greeting before the scene, and the many (or few) ways of putting you at ease.
  • It’s the headspace you are inspired to as the scene begins.
  • It is also the scene (1 hour? 3 hours?).
  • It’s the scene winding down, the small touches, the assurances, the sweet talk.
  • It’s the after care, and cuddling and closeness.
  • It’s the checking in the next day and the day after that. It’s the building of a friendship or relationship.
  • It’s the inclusion in my life, in my friends’ lives.

It’s so much more than the scene.

How I dom thee is simple.

It’s everything I do for you, to you, with you. It’s every word I say, every quirk of my lips into smile. It’s every time I touch your knee or cook for you. It’s small gifts and watching your favorite movie again for the umpteenth time.

It’s asking you if you need anything when I walk to the fridge. It’s giving you my attention when you speak. It’s listening to your advice and taking it into account. It’s sitting next to you quietly as you stress, and simply sharing my presence if you need me.

It’s everything I do right AND everything I do wrong and everything in between.

So, sure, I could tell you the many ways I dom thee… but what matters is the ways YOU experience my domming you.

How do I dom thee?

I’ll let you count the ways.

An Analogy Of The Submissive As A Car…

An Analogy Of The Submissive As A Car...

I got this piece of drivel as part of a longer conversation with a submissive telling me that as a dominant, I’m DOIN’ IT RONG.

Here are my thoughts.

“With regard to restrictions, it is pretty well accepted that when someone owns something, say a car, that the owner may do what she wishes with her property.”

You’re right. In fact, I have often compared owning a submissive to having a car or a dog that I love and that I’m proud of, and that I enjoy sharing with the world.

Want to pet my dog? Please! He loves being petted and licking your face (I don’t let him lick mine), and feels so filled up and proud when you’re done.

Like my new convertible? Want to drive it? Do it! I love it, too, and the joy I get is reflected back on me in the joy you get.

But that’s not QUITE the same as “doing whatever I wish with my property.”

A Submissive As A Car

I may CHOOSE not to change my oil. However, that will not keep my vehicle in the optimal shape for me to continue to use for as long as I wish.

I could CHOOSE to let it fall into various stages of disrepair and use it up and throw it out (or park it in my front yard to rust for a few years), as well.

However, that doesn’t really benefit me.

If I neglect my car, it will break down on me when I need it.

Worse, it may fail, and hurt someone.

And a car cannot speak to me with reason, or emotional nuance.

So, No, A Submissive Is Not A Car

People are not cars, they are people.

And even poor treatment of a car results in consequences that any outsider could see and understand that the owner is not a good one.

  • Rust spots
  • Dark smoke
  • Rattling noises
  • Noxious Fumes

By suggesting that the dominant never take into account what the submissive partner wants and responds to for optimal living, you are suggesting abuse, pure and simple.

Which may be your thing.

It’s not mine.

For my submissives, or my cars.

Image by Lynn Greyling from Pixabay

Access To The Playground

Access To The Playground

Unlike the days of being “in the know,” and searching the classified section of The Village Voice to find like-minded kinky folk, kink is no longer invite-only.

Some bemoan this fact.

They enjoyed the exclusivity, the smugness associated with taking very specific steps to gain a title or recognition or entrée into “the lifestyle.”

And that’s OK.

I enjoy it far more now.

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