The Way We Were, AKA The WON TWOO WAY™

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

I follow a lot of different kink groups on various sites (since the alt BB days, even Compuserve had BDSM bulletin boards) because I find it fascinating the different perspectives on WIITWD (What It Is The We Do) that are out there.

I follow a lot more than I participate, and when I have participated, I’ve often found that the very people who proclaim to all how accepting WE KINKSTERZ are of others are themselves incredibly intolerant of views that don’t exactly match their own.

And they bellyache and whine constantly about all the young kids playing on THEIR lawn, shaking their virtual fists about them not doing it right, with no respect for their elders, and generally making a mess out of all the traditions they hold so dear.

Continue reading “The Way We Were, AKA The WON TWOO WAY™”

Black & White

A quote from a forum I participate in for men:

“If a man rejects Nice Guy-itis, yet has no other option to turn to than to embrace Bad Boy-itis, if his only choice is to give up the Victim in order to be the Victimizer, then that is the option he will end up with, like it or not.”

My first read through on this idea left me thinking that a recovering nice-guy’s only option when rejecting his victim mentality is to adopt the victimizer persona.

Im guessing that the other option that is implied when it reads “has no other opton” is: “the wholehearted man” that Brene’ Brown speaks of. The man that has a “shame resilience”. A man that allows himself to move forward and act on his desires, regardless of the trauma he may have endured and the shame it caused.

So, Im guessing that a guy has to work through the notion as written:

“To truly uproot Nice Guy-itis, a man must go to the level of the Victim vs. Victimizer frame and begin asking himself, “Is this really true? Is it really the case that there are only two types of people in the world? Is it really the case that you’re either a chump or an asshole?”

He can then adopt the other option, the liberating mentality of wholehearted man. a man who acts on his desires not allowing the shame messages to rob his happiness. One who gives of himself and truly does not expect anything in return.

My thoughts:

Black and white are useful, because they are extremes. People understand them.

Nice Guy, Bad Boy.

However, the world is not black and white, and would be the lesser were it. The world is not only full of shades of grey, but color and nuance.

Some will live the life they are given fully.

Some will reduce it to 50 Shades or B&W.

You get to decide which you will be.

Image by engin akyurt from Pixabay

“Hi! I’m Nookie. My Pronouns Are She/Hers.”

It’s that simple to put people at ease. In just a few words, you can offer someone the opening to tell you about themselves and their gender identity in a (presumably) safe way.

On December 4 of last year, I responded to someone asking a question about pronouns:

@The_Dom_Father Just ask. It’s simple.

“Hi! What’s your name, and what are your preferred pronouns?”

And I was told (the information had not yet made it to me) that asking after “preferred” pronouns suggests that they are not “real” or “true” pronouns.

And it was suggested that we also offer our own.

I admit, it’s a habit I’m still getting into. I’m one of those people who have a hard time creating new habits, so it takes a lot of conscious effort for me.

Especially when, as in this case, I have the privilege of there being no major consequences to me when I forget or slip up.

But I still work on it.

Because I like the feeling of offering people the safe space of my company by showing them in a few words that their gender (whatever it is) is welcome in conversation with me.

Oh, I know that many of you think this is utter BS. Far too many people in the world thick the Earth is flat for my tastes. But you know what? That’s your choice.

It’s just a shitty choice that erases other human beings.

My choice is to not only not erase people, but honor us in all our wonderful variety.

Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?

Someone recently asked in a comment about confidentiality in kink as related to professional mental health care:

I have never heard of confidentiality being discussed in kink as part of informed consent. Do you think there is a place for it? Just curious…

Professional confidentiality? No.

Casual confidentiality? Yes.

To go into detail, what is required of a professional is above and beyond what is required of casual interactions, especially those where confidentiality is not discussed or negotiated.

And, just as the legal system cannot force spouses to testify against each other, I would never expect anyone to withhold personal kink experiences and details from their friends or family, unless specifically discussed.

That said, I do not share information casually.

Continue reading “Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?”

Asking The Community: How Do We Define “A Predator?”

Yesterday, someone called a close friend of mine and accused me of being a predator.

While I believe I am the furthest thing from a predator (I have played with two newbies in 10 years, and I am never the sexual aggressor outside of my relationships—although I do flirt hard, it’s mostly hot air), I thought to myself:

  • What IS a predator in the community?
  • How do we separate a predator from shitty kink going wrong?
  • How do we judge ourselves and others when accusations are leveled, beyond a popularity contest?

I realized I don’t have a concrete answer.

I asked a group yesterday, and I got a few suggestions, and a feeling of “I know it when I see it.”

But is that enough?

Maybe it has to be. However, I think that as a community we can do better. We can collectively come up with some guidelines, red flags, maybe even some warnings that could help others identify.

And yes, there are always examples of people who meet a condition who are not predators. That’s going to require judgement.

But just as the DSM is not a single rule for a diagnoses, I’m guessing that predatory behavior will be a strong cluster of correlated symptoms that can lead to diagnoses, or at least greater care and watching.

Here are a few suggestions to start with:

  • Seeking out primarily newbies for play.
  • Refusing to go to public events. “Too much drama in the community.” or “I’m misunderstood.”
  • Ill intent.
  • Complaints at events and venues.
  • On multiple “don’t fly” lists for events and socials (I do know this is not something the average kinkster will know).
  • Patterns of problematic behavior.
  • Rapid cycling of partners.
  • Isolating partners/denying access to other kinksters.

AGAIN: I’ll state that these things can happen for a lot of reasons. Rapid cycling of partners can be someone who enjoy multiple casual and fleeting relationships, so using it as the ONLY criteria is a bit slut-shamey.

I’ll also note that predators come in all types. While we tend to think of the male dominant, I’ve known submissives, switches, baby-girls, and pets that I would say “I know it when I see it, and I see it,” about.

So, what makes a predator?

How could we as a community define and therefore spot them and warm about them better?

How could individuals rely less on “I’ll know it when I see it”?

I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Image by Sarah Richter from Pixabay

YES! Your Fantasy IS Possible. Not Very Probable, Though.

CW: mentions rape play

Have you ever seen someone put in a gimp outfit or latex suit restrained to a bench and put out for anyone who wants to use them at a party. Just a free hole for anyone to fuck?

I just want to be naked serving a group of women, and used as they please.

I want to be the center of a train, and be fucked by at least 30 individuals.

I want to be tied to a tree naked and left exposed to the elements, while people stop by and torment my genitals.

And so on.

Do these things happen? Sure.

Will they happen to you? Probably not.

(Unless they already have. In which case, YOU are not who I’m talking to. You already know how all this works, or you totally lucked out.)

I have had hundreds approach me with scenarios like these. Sometimes they are the same-old, same-old.

Sometimes they are a bit more creative—like that first one up there, which came to me yesterday with perfect timing for today’s topic.

Of course I do know people who have been party favors.

Or who have been strapped to a bench and fucked, one person after another taking their turn.

Or who have been the center of a gang-bang.

Or abducted.

Or CNC in the form or r*pe play with strangers (to them).

I’ve even organized a few of these things.

The people in the spotlight are generally well-loved, well-known, and vouched for by people who are also well-loved, well-known and well-respected in the scene.

My Pet, for example, has been shared around at a women’s get-together with my friends. five of us, one of him. We “used” him as we chose. We love him, and enjoyed giving him that experience.

I’ve had hundreds of kinksters ask me to help fulfill fantasies like that.

Not a single one would I ever consider, because I don’t know them well enough, and could not recommend/guarantee them to my friends.

I can’t say how they would act.

I can’t be sure they are truthful.

I don’t know if they are “good” at what they offer.

I don’t know their health history.

In [A Tale Of Two Cocks][], I wrote about a 5’9″ Italian guy with a cheeky smile and a dad bod.

My favorite bullfriend, ever.

I’ve not only recommended him to others, I’ve facilitated their experiences. I’ve known him for five years, now, and I’ve set him up with friends, with acquaintances, gotten him his first (and second) three-some, and waxed poetic about his stamina, skill, and awesomeness to most anyone who will listen.

But only AFTER I had consistently good experiences with him over time.

AND, when those I recommended him to also had consistently good experiences.

Let me ask you this:

Would you really want to just “use” a random hole?

Sure, some would.

Many get nothing from that, and so it’s a very rare thing.

Now, there are places you can go. Adult arcades, for one. And you may get what you’re looking for.

Honestly, anyone whose done these can tell you it’s a mixed bag. Some nights run smoothly, others are a shit-show, and many can be just meh.

So, yes, it is possible.

Thing is, in any case, you will have to put in the effort.

And that makes a difference.

Everyone I know who has gotten their fantasies fulfilled have earned them with their friendship, their love, their service and etc.

Or, their huge tits or massive cock? Got one of those and a sense of adventure? You’re probability increases.


But for those who expect to offer their sexuality up on a platter for everyone else to do all the work?

Pretty damned unlikely.

When Good People Snap

I spent 22 years working with dogs as an enthusiastic amateur dog trainer. I worked in obedience, Rally, Agility, showing, rescue and rehab.

I did it for fun, and because I loved dogs.

And it made me a better human, too.

In fact, I learned a lot about humans from dogs and dog training. One thing I learned from Jean Donaldson in her book The Culture Clash, was about “The Bite Threshold.”

The idea is that even good dogs bite when pushed far enough.

And as people with dogs, it’s our responsibility to learn to see when “far enough” is coming too near.

To learn our dogs’ stress levels, and what adds to those levels, and see when it’s piling on and becoming too much.

For some dogs, their stress tolerance level is fairly low.

For others, it’s quite high.

However, add up enough stress, and dogs will hit the red zone where they are highly likely to bite. They may not. They may growl, or raise their hackles, or run and hide, or do ANYTHING except bite. Or they may not. Especially if running is not an option, or cowering is not making the stressor go away.

Continue reading “When Good People Snap”

They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!

We all know these people.

For some, it seems like this is a hobby. Hopping from one dramatic train wreck to another, always looking for advice on how to fix something that they were advised not even a week ago not to do by everyone and their dogs to avoid like the bubonic plague.

Hell, my ex-husband used to accuse me of doing the opposite of what he said all the time.

In my view, that’s because he often gave bad advice, backed up with crappy logic. Once I realized that, I respected him less for it, and it was the beginning of the end.

But, to be fair, I also stopped asking.

I had a woman approach me privately from Whips Chains & Duct Tape, asking after information about whips and whip play.

I don’t know much about whips. I’ve never taken time to learn about them or to understand the skill, and they hold little appeal for me, so I put her in contact with a friend on the other side of the slash who enjoys them and knows quite a few people REALLY FUCKING skilled in using them.

She also asked me about this new relationship with the potential whip top that had so many red flags, that a green lawn covered in them would look like the flag of mother Russia.

And I said so.

She thanked me profusely, and said she’d reach out to my friend.

Continue reading “They Ask For Advice, Then Do The Opposite (EVERY Time)!”


Just wanted to share a few false “facts” many people think they know about cuckolds.

The ONLY thing all cuckolds have in common (according to me) is that they enjoy watching their partner be pleasures by another, and also are at least a little emotionally masochistic and enjoy the feelings of jealousy and sexual/emotional threat.

Not all cucks…

  • are bisexual.
  • are sissies.
  • enjoy chastity.
  • are bad in bed.
  • are sexless.
  • are white.
  • are…ahem…under-sized in the cock department.
  • are married.
  • love creampies.
  • are submissive.
  • are heterosexual.
  • enjoy humiliation.
  • love sloppy seconds.
  • have PE or ED issues.
  • are lackluster fuckers.

Some cuckolds might be all of these. Some may be a combination. Some may be only interested in watching their partners with others and enjoying the jealousy.

As a cuckoldress, and someone who teaches a cuckolding class, I run into these assumptions quite often.

What are the assumptions you run into about YOUR interests or roles?

What is your #NotAll___? What assumptions and stereotypes drive you batty, when people mention them?

Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts

Specific Experiences People (SEP) MAY be new to kink.

Their experiences may be limited to online research, watching some porn, and/or using a few toys from the local adult store with a partner while tied up.

OR, SE people MAY be VERY EXPERIENCED in certain areas.

  • They’ve spent 27 years in a D/s relationship. They know the ins and outs of THAT relationship, and are totally bewildered by dating in this day and age, and the new consent culture.
  • They are well-known for their pick-up play and their topping skills, honed over a decade, while not having and maintaining healthy relationships.
  • They are veterans of the consent expected in swing relationships and events, while being new to kink standards for play and sexuality.
  • They may have had relationships that always focused on consent, and never went “off the reservation” into CNC (consensual nonconsent), so find that a bit bewildering and intimidating.

While Wide Experiences (WE) People may have tried MANY different things. Played in lots of the areas. Sure, still not all, but they have done hundreds of pick-up play sessions, maintained long-term healthy relationships (maybe even poly!), and have delved into the darkest corners of edge play and CNC.

OR, they may have LOTS of experiences, but shallowly. Never really diving deep into any of them.

Neither SEP nor WEP are inherently better.

Continue reading “Specific Experiences People (SEP) Versus Wide Experiences People (WEP), And A Call For Experts”