Let’s Talk About References…

Kinky References

So, in a lot of writings here on Fet and elsewhere, I constantly see notes about vetting the people you play with and checking references. I even wrote about it.

On another site, a young lady who was new to a town wanted to get some ideas on how best to check the experience of a Dom who was courting her.

She go the usual suggestions, then someone said something along the lines of:

I don’t check references, and I don’t trust people who speak of references. I do just fine on my own, thank you.

Granted, this is not a word-for word, but it does pretty much cover the concept as I read it, which got me thinking. And of course, once one person says something, all the others who are against or just not for references chime is as well.

And they make some valid points. And I thought of some other things that are rarely discussed myself, so I thought I’d write this. Continue reading “Let’s Talk About References…”

The Needs Hierarchy

BDSM Hierarchy of Needs

So, in PE (Power Exchange) relationships, we all have needs. Knowing what those are and understanding how to get those met is critical.

I’ve read a lot about how dominants should put their subs’ needs first. I think this is backwards and wrong, and I’ll explain why.

First, here is how I believe dominants need to prioritize needs in their relationship:

1. Dominant’s Needs
2. Submissive’s Needs
3. Dominant’s Wants
4. Submissive’s Wants

Let’s look at this. Continue reading “The Needs Hierarchy”

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Unused references are like spilled milk.

Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them. Continue reading “References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!”

Sadism: Too Simple A Term


So, I was talking on a kink site, the way I do, and the topic turned to sewing. Since I have a fascination with sewing, I ran with it.

After some back and forth, I was called sweet again (which, I admit, I get a perverse pleasure from), because I was talking sewing on a kink site.

That reminded my of a scene I watched between D_S and l_b (they know who they are, I didn’t want to include their names without their permission) on Halloween, where he sewed a lovely pink zipper to her goody bits, making them zip and unzip.

I said:

Hand-stitched. Not very even stitches, but then, she was wiggling around and the blood made the skin slippery, so I think he can be forgiven.
So, there… I’m not that sweet. I watched that scene and all it’s blood with a huge grin on my face.

Just being me, not thinking much of it. He replied:

You’ve never mentioned you were a sadist.

Which gave me pause. Am I? Of course, being the word geek that I am, I had to look up sadism, and found this:



  • Psychiatry. a person who has the condition of sadism, in which one receives sexual gratification from causing pain and degradation to another.

Which led to this:



  • Psychiatry. the condition in which sexual gratification depends on causing pain or degradation to others. Compare masochism.
  • any enjoyment in being cruel.
  • extreme cruelty.

So, no. I’m not that. I am not about being cruel for cruelty’s sake. My sexual gratification does not depend on pain or suffering, either. It is merely a facet of what I do—a very small facet.

I enjoy torment, but only when THEY enjoy torment. The sweet energy that flows. The tears, the amazing connection. The bits of body leaking out.

I don’t like to cause pain. I like to cause desire and feel connection.

All of that was in that scene.

So, I write this for two reasons.

Because I wanted to let the players know just how much I enjoyed watching them, and still think about it.

Because I’m curious about you all define the word sadist in terms of your kink. Not just yourself, but in those you interact with, what you think when you see someone self-identify as a sadist, or what you mean when you call someone a sadist within the boundaries of this kink that we do.