In Defense Of Labels

So I wrote yesterday about labels in relationships, and how I personally feel that they are not useful to me early in a relationship, and that was read by many as an anti-labels statement.

It’s not.

I have had that discussion many times, and I am all for labels.

I am all for labels being used properly.

The GOOD thing about labels is that they provide a shortcut to longer conversations.

If I say, “I am a writer,” you can make assumptions about who I am and what I do, to jump-start a conversation that might be more relevant. Sure, you might be wrong in some ways, but that is easily corrected, and added to your experience.

Continue reading “In Defense Of Labels”

Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me

Trust

Trust.

It’s at the core of all that we claim to do in kink, and yet, the more I dig into the relationships people have and what they say versus what they do, the more I realize that, for me, trust is not what it is to others.

For example, I generally assume that if I meet you and you smile at me, you are not going to stalk me after that one meeting and axe-murder me in my sleep.

But that’s not trust.

That’s simply absence of evidence. Continue reading “Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me”

Real Dominants Don’t… He Said To Me

Image of a happily maybe orgasmic woman with the words: "When you get a taste of a real dominant, the rest of the world never really tastes the same. And: "Do 'real' dominants taste different from other humans? Huh. *licks self* I can't tell."

“Real dominants don’t ask the opinions of others.”

“Real dominants don’t allow questions from their submissive.”

“Real dominants don’t accept limits or requirements from anyone.”

“Real dominants don’t have sex with their submissives, or other dominants, or love anyone, ever.”

“Real dominants don’t do anything but what they want to do.”

“Real dominants just KNOW.”

“Once a submissive can place requirements on a dominant, can ask questions, or change their mind, the submissive is in charge, and the dominant is not a real dominant.”

I checked the profile again. Yup, submissive.

Irony, meet submissive. Submissive, meet irony. I think you two have a lot to talk about.

Do You GET Sex? Or Have Sex?

Sex Jackpot

What makes a dominant decidedly un-dominant?

Desperation.

It’s not just dominants that often stink of it. It’s any one, of any role, any sexual orientation, or any gender who thinks that sex or a relationship is something they get for doing or saying just the right things, in the right sequence.

It’s not.

It’s not about doing.

It’s about being.

Humiliation Is No Fun If It’s THE TRUTH, Yet, It Has To Be True

So, humiliation (giving) used to be a hard limit for me. It was a definite no-go. I don’t like to tear people down, I like to build people up.

Especially those I have responsibility for.

And frankly, what interest should I have in a “lowly worm, lower than the dirt beneath my feet” anyway?

And I have ZERO interest in playing a part or acting a role. Not my thing in the bedroom.

But, I’ve changed that. Because Pet likes humiliation, I’ve learned.

And what I learned (for me) is this:

Humiliation needs to be true (or it’s not humiliating), but it cannot be the TRUTH (or whole truth).

In other words, I cannot lie to humiliate.

I also cannot make fun of something that I believe is a true fault.

So, I can tease Pet about having a small cock because he’s literally the smallest man I’ve ever had sex with.

I can also humiliate him that way, because I love his cock, no matter the size, and he is the best lover I’ve ever had, regardless of the length, width, staying power, or lack thereof.

On his end, the humiliation works because he knows I’m telling the truth, but he also knows that no matter how mean I get, he’s in a place of love and 100% acceptance.

On the other hand…

I can’t make fun of him for being a weak, pathetic little boy, because he’s not. He’s amazingly physically fit, and dynamic. That sort of thing is obviously not true, and would roll off him like water off a duck’s butt… and would not be humiliating.

I also can’t make fun of something that is actually a serious issue in his life. For example, if he had serious anxiety disorder (he doesn’t), I could not add that to my humiliation list, as it would be too true, and not provide a safe, accepting place.

Now…

I’m not saying humiliation is like this for everyone. For me, though, this is how it works.

And I LIKE it!

*grins*

Why Do You Give A Fuck What Label I Use?

I do not identify as “Domme” on Fet.

I don’t think it is a clear enough picture of who I am. I like so many different sub-classifications that I simply chose kinkster as my label.

As such, I get a lot of questions, and quite a few propositions. And when I turn them down, I often get a snide comment about my label.

Thing is, I’m not special.

This label yourself according to MY definition thing is crazy prevalent. All over the place. People are trying to police how others can identify through some sort of strange personal set of standards.

Kinkster, to me, mostly covers who I am:

  • Dominant woman
  • Sex fiend
  • Top
  • bottom
  • Cuckoldress
  • Humiliatrix
  • Curious (about damn near everything)
  • Silly
  • Introspective

And yadda, yadda.

Yet, people write to me for THE SECKS, and when I turn them down, tell me I must not enjoy sex and must hate men.

Or ask me to top them, and when I say, “I am not a service top, I really only get pleasure from topping those I love, and frankly, I don’t know how to safely whip you,” tell me I’m not a kinkster.

And then there are those, who when see me bottoming for rope or fire or whatever, say things like, “I thought you were dominant.”

I say I love and prefer alpha submissives, and people go of on a rail about how alpha submissives is a label designed to make other submissives feel inferior for not being alpha… WTF? Seriously?

Why do you give a fuck what label I use?

  • Does kinkster make me more or less something than you think I should be?
  • Do you think that me saying I am dominant is an agreement to never enjoy getting my hair pulled during sex again?
  • Does saying I love sex mean to you that I mus then have sex with every human that ever approaches me, ever, or I lose my “I <3 The Sex” card?
  • Does saying I enjoy cuckolds mean that I don’t like other labels, or I think they are inferior?

Honestly, kinkster does not fully describe me.

If I had my druthers, I’d choose Epicurean.

It’s a philosophy of pleasure as the highest form of good. Hot as in hedonism, but in understanding that living moderately and choosing pleasures carefully is more important than excess and the harm that is cause to oneself and others as a result.

According to Epicurus, with whom a person eats is of greater importance than what is eaten. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.

I agree. Who one sexes with, tops with, bottoms with, cuckolds with, humiliates with, sillies with, dominates with explores with and introspects with is more important than the acts themselves.

But, as Epicurean was not available, I did as my dear friend Kiba says, and chose kinkster “because it was the closest thing to ‘yes’ in the drop-down menu.”

And still, I ask:

Why do you give a fuck what label I use? Or what label others use?

I’m curious. How do YOU see me (there are no wrong answers, just perceptions)? I’m open to all, positive and negative.

And how do you label yourself? And why?

What Does It Take To Be A Dominant?

What does it take to be dominant?

Does being a dominant have a certain set of physical standards to measure up to, for example?

On tumblr, someone posted this:

I wish my ex-husband Scott could have been this guy for me… but the reality is, you can’t be a Dom with a four inch penis. Just. Not. Possible.

My reply:

I respect this woman’s right to state her opinion. As a cuckoldress, it seems like a pretty standard opinion.

However, I beg to differ.

The size of your cock (the size of your wallet, your boob size, how skinny you are, a leather allergy, color of your skin) does NOT have any factor in how dominant of a person you are (or are not).

Period.

I know men who are short, fat, ugly and hung like hamsters who still do just fine with their dominance.

In fact, I know more than one submissive woman who PREFERS a smaller cock. One woman I know HATES anything over 5 inches. It’s uncomfortable for her.

So, again, I respect the fact that you cannot be THAT WOMAN’S DOMINANT with a four inch penis. That’s fair, for those who prefer larger cocks and associate those to manhood/aggression/dominance.

However, it has no bearing whatsoever on whether you can be “a dominant” in my view.

Your thoughts?

Let’s Talk About References…

Kinky References

So, in a lot of writings here on Fet and elsewhere, I constantly see notes about vetting the people you play with and checking references. I even wrote about it.

On another site, a young lady who was new to a town wanted to get some ideas on how best to check the experience of a Dom who was courting her.

She go the usual suggestions, then someone said something along the lines of:

I don’t check references, and I don’t trust people who speak of references. I do just fine on my own, thank you.

Granted, this is not a word-for word, but it does pretty much cover the concept as I read it, which got me thinking. And of course, once one person says something, all the others who are against or just not for references chime is as well.

And they make some valid points. And I thought of some other things that are rarely discussed myself, so I thought I’d write this. Continue reading “Let’s Talk About References…”

The Needs Hierarchy

BDSM Hierarchy of Needs

So, in PE (Power Exchange) relationships, we all have needs. Knowing what those are and understanding how to get those met is critical.

I’ve read a lot about how dominants should put their subs’ needs first. I think this is backwards and wrong, and I’ll explain why.

First, here is how I believe dominants need to prioritize needs in their relationship:

1. Dominant’s Needs
2. Submissive’s Needs
3. Dominant’s Wants
4. Submissive’s Wants

Let’s look at this. Continue reading “The Needs Hierarchy”