My Early New Year’s Resolution: I’m Giving Up Why

I'm Giving Up Why

I’m starting early, because I know this is a tough one.

I’ve been reducing why for a while. A few years. Sometimes it still slips out. I can’t help it. It feels so DAMN good.

“WHY” is a mental masturbation trap. It’s so easy to get sucked into.

It feels so good when we think we may have ‘why’ figured it out, but it’s also mental masochism, because we don’t REALLY know and we know we don’t really know.

Even when they tell us ‘why,’ we know that their given reason (no matter how sincere or honest) is often not the REAL reason.

Sure, the reason they give for ‘why’ is often enlightening. We can learn from it.

It rarely really ‘why,’ though.

Science has shown that humans use a decide-first-justify-later process for nearly everything. Our emotions tell us what to do, based on our personal priorities, survival language, and perceived good, then we explain ‘why’ even to ourselves.

In other words, even those of us who really pay attention and self-reflect rarely know why we’re doing what we’re doing.

So, for example, it’s a more accurate judge of character to just go by behaviors over time and assume people have their reasons.

From there we can determine (ie: decide-first-justify-later) our own reactions and move on.

More accurate.

Not easier.

Because ‘why’ is tempting. Asking “Why?” put the blame and emotional labor onto others (which is a HUGE relief when we are feeling burdened by whatever).

I’ve been pretty good about removing that from my life.

  • Instead of “Why do you feel that way,” I might say, “What inspired that?”
  • Instead of “Why did you do _____ ,” I might ask, “What made _____ seem to be the best action?”

Now, these may not seem all that different. And they are not, except in one thing:

What, in these cases focuses focuses on actual thoughts and actions they have had, versus making someone dig through the murky waters of their brain for justifications.

And it doesn’t create as strong a knee-jerk response of defensiveness in most people as “Why?” does.

That’s worked for me, mostly.

It’s harder to stop asking ‘why’ in my head, and trying to fill in the answers about other people’s behaviors. But I’m working on it.

I just focus on what I’m feeling when I start asking that question, and listen to my thoughts and feelings. I also look at the actual behaviors and think about them from a logical perspective, then let go and move on.

It’s been good to me.

I’m going to work on it more.

Intentionally.

Because I don’t even like regular masturbation much. Mental masturbation, I like even less.

I Don’t _______ (With You).

Not With You

I have a list of things I don’t do. And I pull them out and use them when appropriate.

I don’t go offsite with people until I’ve met and connected with them.

I don’t have casual sex.

I don’t play outside of my relationships.

I don”t eat in chain restaurants.

And so on.

And these things are true. Well, mostly true. Like 99% true.

I’ve done them.

I do them.

It’s rare, though. And it takes the perfect situation or combination of factors to make them happen.

And if I say these things or something like it to you, it’s not gonna happen.

You pushed too hard, you gave a weird vibe. I’m not interested in being flexible, or doing that kink.

Because I don’t ____. Or, at least I don’t with you.

Offer A Hug: Be The Change You Want To See In The World

Offer A Hug!

This morning as I was poking around on my twitter, I stumbled across this tweet thread:

Offer A Hug

This is a thing. I personally grew up with a very physically affectionate mother, and touch is natural to me.

As natural as breathing.

When I meet people, I always offer a hug, instead of a handshake or basic greeting. Even in business.

Let me clear: I don’t dive in for the embrace. I give them the OPTION.

90%+ take it.

Now, as a woman, I do have an advantage of not seeming creepy to most. However, I know men who offer a hug, too.

“I’m a hugger. Do you prefer hugs or another greeting?”

Of course, not ever expecting to sexualize it helps.

BE THE CHANGE.

YMMV. Perhaps start small.

Friends.

“I’m on a mission to hug more and spread joy. You with me?”

I know it will not work for everyone with every person. When it does, though, we all benefit.

The Power Of Expectations

Power of Expectations

My life has for the past couple of days decided to show me the power of expectations.

Life does these things sometimes.

Decides to smack me upside the head with a certain concept until I’m clear, usually when a writing topic is coming up on my calendar.

I didn’t see it coming, and I should have.

Back in April, I was having a conversation with a man who complained quite a bit about people on FetLife being fakes and “full of shit.”

I told him that was not my experience, overall.

He suggested I send some “action” his way. I declined. He then got a bit snippy with me, so I said:

It explains a lot. You treat your interactions with people on here as disposable, and not worth keeping. No wonder people don’t feel connected to you.

I know I don’t feel connected to you, even after a month of back and forth.

I’ll wish you the best in everything you do.

His response:

Lol funny but hey I am sorry my loss. Yes this website is not that important and I admit I could care less about the interactions on here. I honestly do not give a damn. This is all entertainment and funny stuff.

Con now let’s be real this place is a disease speeding bottom feeding meat market. People looking for self esteem they can’t find in the real lives very few exceptions of course. Oh well

He then blocked me.

I saved the messages URL and I scheduled a writing, “You get what you give/expect.”

This week, I’ve had two more experiences.

A man wrote to me praising my writing and me, asking me to do a writing about how many fakes and selfish doms there are on FetLife, and when I demurred, called me a fake and a BSer, and a liar and a narcissist.

Another on Collarspace wrote:

Everything you have been taught goes out the window tonight bitch Get down on your knees and worship your Superior NOW
And if you cant handle it, run to the ignore button coward

I told him my kinks were not compatible with him and wished him the best.

Dont lie. You dont wish me well at all. You women are all the same. Condescending , supercilious bitches

I asked, “Why would I not?”

Because youre a female.

I told him, “Well, believing the way you do only blinds you to the good will around you. That’s not on me. I won’t respond again.”

please respond again, Ill be nice

Neither of these guys had a chance. I won’t pretend they did.

However, both also came in ready for a fight, and did their best to make it happen, because of their expectations.

Yesterday, I came across this amazing NPR article, Can You Affect Another Person’s Behavior With Your Thoughts?

In this piece, the science of expectations is explored, and how what we expect from others colors our behaviors towards them, often shifting their actions in ways we might never think of.

I scheduled it to write on February 12, with the title “The Power of Expectations,” then went to a meeting, where we discussed the business strategy of “rising to expectations,” rather than “sinking into the morass of lowest-common-denominator.”

Seems life was being obvious again, while I was being oblivious.

And then, today, I sit down to write.

“You get what you give/expect” was right there, waiting for me. 

I’m guessing this is a lesson I need to learn more deeply. 

I know I’ve been guilty of expecting less from someone than they could/would offer. I know I’ve expected less of the world than it can provide. I was called on it yesterday by someone FAR more successful than I. 

So, today I’m sharing my life lesson with you, in case you are sometimes as boneheaded as I can be, and you’re stabbing yourself in the foot with your expectations. 

Or, maybe you’re just not using higher expectations of yourself and those around you to your advantage. 

What do you think? 

Happy Birthday To Me! Nookie Is 31 Years Young…

Happy Birthday, Nookie!

31 years ago, I began a tradition. For my birthday, I get myself one meaningful gift every year.

My nickname, Nookie, came from that first gift to myself at 14. From the compact edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Nookie

Being 14 and having friends who were 14-16 primarily, what do you think we did with “the most complete English language dictionary in the world”?

Look up naughty words of course!

And when we got to this one, and read the definition, I was christened. And it stuck. I’m a Nookie.

Of course, that’s when “Nookie” was born.

The rest of me is 45 today.

Someone asked me yesterday if I’ll be 29 again.

Nope.

That’s not for me.

I wear my years with pride. A few more pounds, lots more greys (whites) in my hair, a few laugh lines around my eyes, stiffer hip joints, and a chin hair or two…

I’ll take it.

It’s all just an amazing physical journal of my life and adventures. I’ve experienced crazy love, over-the-moon sex, travel to other countries (and all around ours), deep friendships, fantastic kinks, and building the life I want to live for the next 45 years.

In 2018, I’m not buying myself anything.

You see, this year, my birthday gift to myself is Dating Kinky. My team’s deadline for being ready to release is today. And they have met it for me.

After so much craziness over the past two years… I’m about to relaunch for good. With MY code and MY vision and MY hard work.

On Saturday, September 1. Noon, ET.

It’s not perfect.

Like me, it’s a work in progress. But it’s friendly, and it’s thoughtful and it’s welcoming, and it’s going to grow and improve and learn and help people connect and love and…

Well, you’ll see.

Or you wont.

But anyway, happy birthday to Nookie, at 31 and happy birthday to me—all 45 years of me.

Here’s to another 45 and more!

I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Called An Asshole For Responding.

Silence, woman!

This is the last of this particular series… although not the last of my daily writings.

The first two are here:

#1 I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Compared To An Alcoholic Or Druggie
#2 I Posted An Ad On Craigslist And I Got Derided For Posting My Dress Size

This one is short and sweet, since I’ve had a jam-packed weekend, and there’s really not much to it… except and example showing why many women don’t reply to responses to their Craigslist ads (or personal dating site ads, or FetLife random messages) when they are not interested, and even more, why women don’t say why (which I get asked 4 out of 5 times when I simply reply with, “No, thanks.”

In my ad, this is the last line:

If you think you fit this bill, reach out. Send me a note. Tell me what interested you about my ad, and include a face photo.

So, I get this reply, with a face photo:

I would like to date you  I am in Raleigh

Aside from the grammar, the lack of immediate attraction to the photo, and the brevity in response to a very detailed post, there is no ‘what interested him.’

And frankly, to me, it read as incredibly entitled. I want to date you. I’m in Raleigh. Great! Ignore all of the other criteria I listed, because you being in Raleigh is all I really need to know… Oh, and that you would actually date me, unlike EVERYONE else in the area, right?

My reply was (and I sent this to quite a few men:

Thank you for the offer.

I’m looking for someone who can follow my directions and enjoy it.

Best of luck to you in fulfilling your fantasies!

Two others wrote back, a bit disappointed and trying to change my mind or figure out what they forgot (out of only two things? really?). This guy stepped it up a notch.

next time just dont answer and keep ass hole remarks to youself. If you were special as you think you are you would not be posting on CL

So, I’m an asshole for turning him down, and giving him a reason.

And, on top of that, he has to tell me that I’m not special, because I’m posting an ad on a site he trolls for ads… and um, that he responded to…

Oh! The irony!

Touch Is Not My Love Language, But It Is My Core

Two hands outstretched and clasped as for the Tango.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a very sexy person. A person who I wanted to touch. A lot. In happy ways, in dirty ways, and in ways that combine the two feelings to great effect.

And I did, some. There was a touch here for emphasis, a touch there just because. A hug started our meeting, and a wonderful hug (accompanied by a bit of growling) finished it.

And it was wonderful. Continue reading “Touch Is Not My Love Language, But It Is My Core”

On Overwhelm

A vintage 1950s-style lady with a big smile pointing to the words, "I smile to hide how completely overwhelmed I am."

My whole life, I’ve been a doer.

I’ve taken the road less traveled, I’ve gone out and experienced things. I’ve really LIVED. One of my mottos is “Busy is better than bored,” and in fact, I’m not sure I know what bored is.

There is always so much to do.

Sometimes, it seems like there’s too much.

Sometimes, I get overwhelmed.

And it’s not like there is a super-obvious reason. I mean, yeah, I have a million things going on. I always do. I always have. Nothing has changed there.

Continue reading “On Overwhelm”

“I Only Add People I Know.”

Add to Friends button with Weird Al profile.

When I first joined FetLife, I only friended people that I knew. After a short period, that became people I have met in person. It felt more comfortable that way. More managed.

It felt good, and it’s a valid position to take.

I’ve changed to pretty much the opposite now over the past few years. I’m a friend whore (slut?—it’s not like anyone pays). I don’t have to really be connected at all to be open to FetLife friendship.

Someone said “I don’t think anyone with 5,000 friends here on FetLife can meaningfully connect and must be promoting something,” and I agree. That’s true.

I AM promoting myself and my projects. For sure.

Continue reading ““I Only Add People I Know.””

My Results Do Not Equal Yours

The words: "Part Performance Guarantees Future Results," with a red circle/slash around it.

Yesterday, @Fentrix said in a comment on my writing:

As if talking about an opinion I’ve held that I’ve found useful in my life has anything to do with right or wrong, it has to do with utility.

To which I answered just this morning:

Yes! It’s useful to me. If it’s useful to you, I’m so glad. If it’s not, that’s cool, too. If I inspired you to think… I’m pleased as punch.

I don’t care that people believe in compromise in their relationships, in low context communication, in CNC… If it works for them and their partners, I’m all for it.

I do talk about how I think and why, and how I grow through issues, because when I’ve been doing all this, reading others doing the same thing (even in vastly different channels) has helped me learn more about myself and how I think.

And then looking at my calendar, I see that the point meshes quite well with what I intended to write about today. Continue reading “My Results Do Not Equal Yours”