Oops! I Did It (Lied) Again!

You’re welcome for the earworm.

smiles

I don’t lie. Or, at least, I try not to. After all, I’ve been a liar in my life, and I’ve found that the truth, even when it sucks, leads me to living a better life.

So, when I lie, even unintentionally, I need to call myself on my bullshit.

That’s what I’m doing here.

My lie: I respond to every message I get.

It used to be true.

It still is my intention.

But it’s not the actual truth, and I know this because I have right now 280 social media messages I’ve not yet responded to.

One year ago, I cleared my inbox every day, and was horrified at the idea of having outstanding contacts.

I fell behind.

And this is WITH connecting with/answering dozens of people every day, I am still behind. And I’m struggling with the person I feel I am (answers my messages) and that reality (hasn’t answered 280 messages, probably 281 by now).

I’m not posting this with any sort of meta message. Or for pity or sympathy. Maybe for a bit of empathy…

Because we all know people who lie not because they mean to, but because they can’t keep up with their promises or because their hope is greater than their abilities.

Maybe you are one of us as well, sometimes, in some ways.

  • Maybe you promised to spend more time with your partner, but work is crushing you.
  • Maybe you told yourself that this time, this relationship would be different.
  • Maybe you assured someone that the work would get done on time.

So, I’mma be kind to myself and create a plan to tackle my lie.

Now that I’ve called me out on my bullshit.

If you have something you’re not doing or haven’t done that you said you would/could, feel free to join me.

Feel free to self-identify and share, if you’d like. Feel free to make a plan, and work it.

Or not.

This is really about me and what I have to do to live up to the me standards I set for myself.

On “Fighting” For My Sub…

A few years back, I wrote a piece, Trying To Steal My Sub, Cunt?, in which I wish said thief good luck in their efforts.

Several people responded that I maybe didn’t show my sub that I wanted them enough, because I refuse to fight for them, because I said, “And, frankly, if you do manage to steal them, I’ll thank you.”

One comment said this:

If they let me go without a fight, then I, too, am glad to be walking away.

There is a difference between fighting to keep a submissive through my actions TO THAT SUBMISSIVE, and fighting another dominant in any way.

I am very happy to say what I want, and do my best by my submissive.

THAT is my fight.

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Continue reading “On “Fighting” For My Sub…”

Please Don’t Ask Me About My Favorites…

I make a habit of spending 30 minutes each weekday learning something.

Or, at least reading outside of my usual interests, following interesting links, etc.

Today, I clicked on a link to [improve my communication][https://www.cnbc.com/2017/03/02/the-3-minutes-it-takes-to-read-this-will-improve-your-conversations-forever.html], and while most of it was quite good, I’d think, one thing really stood out for me.

Questions about specifics lead people to give you answers that are not generic.

Example: Don’t ask, “What was fun about your trip?” Instead, drill down and ask, “What was the single most fun moment of the trip?”

Oh, please no. Don’t ask me about:

  • Most fun
  • Favorite
  • Best ever
  • coolest thing

I may be a total freak of nature, but my brain doesn’t work like that.

Sure, I have a few glib answers to favorite movie (Blazing Saddles) and best album of all time (Bat Out of Hell), but even those don’t apply all of the time, because reasons.

And asking me my favorite is a good way to shut down a conversation.

My brain stops. Or doesn’t stop. It overloads, trying to compare so many amazing pieces of my life that I enjoy/love/adore for disparate reasons in different times of my life, to narrow it down to a sing unrevocable TRUTH.

And I get hung up.

Maybe it’s me.

Perhaps I need more RAM.

Or, perhaps I don’t filter things as well as others do. Like, even tiny pleasures suddenly crowd into my head when people ask me my favorite sexual experience ever.

  • Was it the first Bad Dragon play Pet and I did, and the discovery of ‘scaled for pleasure’ as a thing?
  • The 3-hour kinky threesome that left me aphasic?
  • The wild roll of a full night of it, starting with a hot tub in the snow?
  • The time I cried from overwhelming love as he moved in me?
  • That quick (and hard) ass fuck in front of a mirror?

How do I choose? I don’t. I can’t.

Instead, ask me what makes me feel filled up. Or what make me laugh during sex. Or what about different toys makes me love them (or not).

Oh, I know these are not as easy as “What is your favorite…” and I’m a tiny bit sorry about that. But not a lot.

After all, I’m giving you fair warning.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I’ve made it around the sun another year. YAY!

I’ve had a difficult year. Difficult two years, really. Since a hit-and-run car crash in 2017 (the Friday before my birthday party), it seems like things have been haywire for me.

Lots of epic challenges.

Also, lots of me throwing myself deeper into life.

Yin.

Yang.

Today, for my birthday, I’d like to make a request for those of you who read me, and those of you who find me.

Actually, it’s two requests. Both love bombs.

ONE: It’s my birthday. I’d love to hear something nice about me from you. Maybe something I wrote touched you. Or a picture I posted made you smile, or whatever. I don’t care. Just something positive.

TWO: I’d also love for you to pay it forward to at least one person. If you’re willing to love bomb a few people, please do.

Spread some love and positivity through the world of kink today. Say something sweet to another writer, a photo-sharer, a friend, a loved one. Write on a wall, send a sweet message, send a social media post, write a journal entry and name names, something.

If you’d like to tag me, I’d love to read the happiness you’ll share. If not, no worries. I believe you’re doing it—even offline.

Thank you so much.

Let’s spread some love!

Image by autumnsgoddess0 from Pixabay

A Strapless Dildo Option That Works! FINALLY!

I have long desired a truly strapless experience for play with dildos, and I’ve tried a few options. Unfortunately, all were disappointing.

They were too hard and pokey (I guess that’s why they thought they needed to maintain the “shape”), they were oddly shaped, or the ‘inner bits’ were just…not shaped right.

Some were good enough for use on women, but failed miserably when engaged with the much stronger muscles of the anus, which is my primary interest.

I kept up hope, but I admit that my optimism was fading.

Then, while I was researching my latest book on butt stuff (The Big Book of Ass), someone mentioned the InJoyUs. I went to check it out, of course, even though I was deeply skeptical. After all, I’d read glowing reviews of all the others I’ve tried, and NONE of them really worked like anyone said.

I was thinking, “Maybe I’m the weirdo, here,” not for the first time.

But the InJoyUs LOOKED different right off the bat. Something about it seemed better-thought-out. A small flame of hope sprung up, and I sent an email.

“Something, something, blah, blah, blah. InJoyUs was recommended, and I’d love to review it for inclusion in my book, if it works. More yadda yadda…”

And so, not long after, I got my review box.

Now, John at New Love Creations had already mentioned that he’d gotten a bit of flack for his packaging, and when I opened it up, I could see why. It’s certainly not what I would expect for a product of the price and caliber I was expecting, and could use an update for sure.

However, I wasn’t going to be sticking packaging in my or my partner’s butt, so it was easy to open it up and look at the product itself.

Because I’d talked some with John about how he’d designed, tested and engineered this thing, I was prepared for it to feel solid. And it does. I was almost concerned with HOW solid it felt, like the weight might be detrimental.

It was not at all. More on that in a bit.

I got the InJoyUs in my package, along with the Lily and Lela dildos. Two very different sizes/shapes.

All are made from pure platinum grade silicone, which is pretty much a must for me these days. It’s body-safe, odorless, hypoallergenic, and super easy to clean. Just pop those babies in the top rack of the dishwasher, or clean with bleach.

The InJoyUs has a stabilizer inside it (it’s not visible, nor can it be felt) of a super-strong metal, to maintain shape and erection angle, which I really like.

But NONE of that mattered if it didn’t feel good and stay in.

And it took a couple of days for me to make the scene happen, and I was chomping at the bit to try it out.

A set of detailed instructions came with the toys, which I looked over, and promptly ignored.

LOL!

Seriously, though, while I believe the instructions are needed, and they are well-done, I figured I had this.

After all, one of the reasons I want a strapless solution is to make this sort of play more spontaneous and less fussy. If I can’t just pop it in and go, then it won’t really add value to my life.

So, I chose to wing it, and wing it I did.

Well, I did realize that Step 1 was critical after popping the internal portion, and feeling an urgent need to pee.

So, that taken care of (and lesson learned), it was back to play.

Without going into graphic details, the results were overwhelmingly positive for butt play with my male partner.

  • InJoyUs was easy to insert.
  • It felt both solid and secure in place.
  • We played with the Lily to start, and it has a nice extra clitoral stimulation pad.
  • Both my g-spot and clitoris were happily stimulated.
  • It stayed in, and felt good—I orgasmed more than a few times.

Definitely overwhelmingly positive.

There were a few hiccups:

  • It takes some time, I think, to get used to the angle and use. This was our first time, and we tried cowgirl, missionary (plus variations) and lotus positions. Pretty basic, and successful, although learning the angle of thrust was a thing. Fun to learn, though!
  • When I orgasm hard, I’ve been know to push out a VERY enthusiastic dick. The same is true of the InJoyUs. However, I was totally OK with this, as it stayed in for the rest of the time, and frankly, I often bet against strong, determined men staying in there when I clamp down and push in the throes. As a friend said this morning, “They just need to say it has an ejection feature when the mission is accomplished!” LOL!
  • The angle, to me, seemed like it ‘used up’ a bit of the length of the toy. The Lily is measured at 7 inches insertable. My partner and I both agreed that another inch would have been perfect. Now, that could be because I’m a “thicc” girl, and it did have to get out past my thighs, but not all users are gonna be teeny-tiny. (The next person to try this out is gonna be a much smaller woman, so we’ll have additional feedback when that happens.)

All in all, I am feeling the first flushes of infatuation with this system, and expect that if things continue, I’ll be in love.

I look forward to using the Lela as well, and would LOVE to see more options of shapes and sizes in dildos from New Love Creations, so that I can continue using the InJoyUs for all dildo fuckery in the future.

https://newlovecreations.com/shop/

This is part 1 of a multi-part review of this product over time and by multiple people. Keep an eye out for more.

No, You Don’t Understand Me, And That’s OK

I have written multiple times about abuse in a relationship and recovering from it.

And when today’s topic popped up on my calendar, it instantly connected.

When I got married, I believed that my husband understood me.

This belief is what ultimately led me to being abused. I don’t have a history of it, it wasn’t a pattern for me. It was simply that I believed when he told me something, it was from a place of KNOWING me.

Which is funny, because looking back, I didn’t KNOW me.

  • I didn’t know that I’m an amazing person with a big heart.
  • I didn’t know that some people consider me beautiful.
  • I didn’t know that I had value as a person, versus what I could do on any given day.

But I figured if all of those things were true, he would see those things and reflect them back to me, because he KNEW me.

Just like I would look for and see what was amazing in him and reflect those things back at him.

Because, like a mirror reflection, he was “my other half.”

Or, that’s what I believed.

Continue reading “No, You Don’t Understand Me, And That’s OK”

What Is YOUR Trap?

“My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.”

WOW.

This hit me when I read it.

And it hit me again when that same person kept shutting down anyone offering suggestions on stepping outside those self-created boxes and really freeing themselves to be authentic—and eventually left the forums.

And I thought to myself, “What a trap he’s built for himself. And oh! How he’s caught fast.”

And yet.

Don’t we all have traps that we set for ourselves and for others?

  • What does it mean to be a woman?
  • What does it mean to be a dominant?
  • What does it mean to be an educator?
  • What does it mean to be bisexual?
  • What does it mean to be 45?
  • What does it mean to be Me?

These are some of the traps I could be (and probably am) constructing around myself at any given time.

I’d like to think I examine them and free myself semi-regularly from my entanglements, and all of you and your comments and discussions help me with that.

Thank you.

What are your traps?

How have you boxed yourself in? Have you defined your life or actions based on who you think you SHOULD be, perhaps more than who you are in any ways?

I’d love to hear your stories.

Attention—Like That’s A BAD Thing?

I’ll start off by saying that as an only child of two only children, perhaps I’m not the least biased writer on the topic of attention. I like attention. Love it.

When I choose, as I choose, and blah blah blah.

Hell, half of my dominance is the idea that catching attention and desire from people I admire is hot as fuck.

That’s my disclaimer.

However, over the years, as I’ve studied human nature and specifically how we interact in love, sex, and romance, I’ve learned a bit about attention aside from, “GIMME!”

For example, Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute credits attention as the primary deciding factor in whether newlywed couples will stay together (and be happy) six years later.

The basic currency here were “bids” for attention, and attention.

He found that those who stayed together and thrived in their relationships responded to bids with attention 86% of the time, while those who failed in their relationships averaged only 33% attention response. (source)

Continue reading “Attention—Like That’s A BAD Thing?”

“All We Need Is Just A Little Patience…” (Sing It With Me!)

My Inner Veruca Salt

And because if you’re anything like me, you now have that delirium-inducing whine in your head:

smiles

Last week, for the umpteenth time, someone said to me, “You’re more patient than I am.”

And I said, as I often do, “I’m Not Patient. I’m Curious.” I went on to explain that it doesn’t take patience for me to deal with people most of the time, because I have an insatiable curiosity for what people will say and do, how they think, what they desire, their beliefs and more.

And yet…

Something tugged at me, and made me do some research.

And I’ve been wrong all this time.

Well, at least partly so.

I am patient.

patient

2 : manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain

Merrium Webster

You see, when I say I’m not patient, I’m using this definition, which by it’s very words requires provocation or strain.

Rarely do the words people throw at me online (inspiring the “you’re so patient…” points) provoke me or strain me.

Because of the aforementioned curiosity.

And yet, there is this definition (admittedly, the FIRST one that came up when I decided to research patience):

patient

the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Google Dictionary

And I have to admit, I am a patient person.

Or, as I like to say, “I’m not at a patient person, but I play one in real life.”

I don’t FEEL patient.

I want what I want NOW. I don’t want to wait.

My inner toddler is throwing themselves on the ground yelling and kicking and screaming about not getting her way IMMEDIATAMENTE (as they par-lay on Frawn-says).

Like, now.

RIGHT NOW.

But I don’t show that. Because it’s rude to act that way at 45 (nearly 46), and frankly, it won’t do me any damn good, and actually might hinder me getting there.

So I don’t.

And frankly, it’s not that hard. It’s second nature to me now to overrule my inner Veruca Salt and simply be calm and peaceful, and well, patient.

Which, honestly, I never really thought much about.

Because inside I don’t feel that way.

At all.

So, I don’t FEEL patient.

But on the outside, in my actions, in my behaviors, I’m cool as a cucumber. Or at least a slightly warmed summer peach.

I don’t flip my lid.

Not often.

Maybe 2x a year? I don’t know. It’s rare.

So, I guess I am patient. And I consider that a good thing.

However, the point I’ve been making all along is equally important. Perhaps more so.

When it comes to dealing with people, specifically, rather than cultivate patience, I find it easier to cultivate a lack of provocation and strain.

I rarely take it personally.

I am rarely offended.

I find people fascinating (even when I disagree with them or find their views repugnant).

And these things add up to not needing to exercise patience, but instead trying to connect with people more often in more ways, and experiencing their ideas and words and insights in ways I never could if I were provoked and strained and practiced patience.

So, I was wrong (and ya’ll were right).

And I was right (ya’ll weren’t wrong).

And I’m not only good with this, I’ve learned more about the world and how we all navigate it.

What are your thoughts?

How do you experience patience (if at all)?

Have you always been patient (or impatient)? Is it something that has changed for you over the years? How has it helped/harmed you?

SCREW HUMILITY! I Want To Read Your Brags!

Screw Humility

One of the things I love about kink is all the amazing things we kinksters get up to. All the freaky shit we do. The ideas that flow out of our heads.

Today, I’d love to read some of that shit.

Big, small, crazy, weird, fun or learning experience, share it!

  • Finally checked off a fantasy bucket list item?
  • Created an amazing scene for someone?
  • Learned a new skill?
  • Started learning a new skill, and still suck at it, but happy anyway?
  • Do happy things for/with someone (including yourself)?

Let’s share our wonderful brags with each other.

Rules:

1. Share ANYTHING you’re proud of. Kink is wonderful. Non-Kink is also welcome. Links to projects, writing, photos, whatever are also welcome here. Self-promote, if you wanna.

2. Give someone else props for their amazing thing, if you can. Love comments, tell them how fuckballs fantastic they are, or, if they are doing something you are interested in, connect to share.

3. Negativity will be deleted. I don’t EVER do this, except here. I’m telling you now. Don’t be an asshole. If you aren’t wild about something, scroll by. If you think something is negative, let me know.

4. Take inspiration and RUN with it!