Attention—Like That’s A BAD Thing?

I’ll start off by saying that as an only child of two only children, perhaps I’m not the least biased writer on the topic of attention. I like attention. Love it.

When I choose, as I choose, and blah blah blah.

Hell, half of my dominance is the idea that catching attention and desire from people I admire is hot as fuck.

That’s my disclaimer.

However, over the years, as I’ve studied human nature and specifically how we interact in love, sex, and romance, I’ve learned a bit about attention aside from, “GIMME!”

For example, Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute credits attention as the primary deciding factor in whether newlywed couples will stay together (and be happy) six years later.

The basic currency here were “bids” for attention, and attention.

He found that those who stayed together and thrived in their relationships responded to bids with attention 86% of the time, while those who failed in their relationships averaged only 33% attention response. (source)

Continue reading “Attention—Like That’s A BAD Thing?”

“All We Need Is Just A Little Patience…” (Sing It With Me!)

My Inner Veruca Salt

And because if you’re anything like me, you now have that delirium-inducing whine in your head:

smiles

Last week, for the umpteenth time, someone said to me, “You’re more patient than I am.”

And I said, as I often do, “I’m Not Patient. I’m Curious.” I went on to explain that it doesn’t take patience for me to deal with people most of the time, because I have an insatiable curiosity for what people will say and do, how they think, what they desire, their beliefs and more.

And yet…

Something tugged at me, and made me do some research.

And I’ve been wrong all this time.

Well, at least partly so.

I am patient.

patient

2 : manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain

Merrium Webster

You see, when I say I’m not patient, I’m using this definition, which by it’s very words requires provocation or strain.

Rarely do the words people throw at me online (inspiring the “you’re so patient…” points) provoke me or strain me.

Because of the aforementioned curiosity.

And yet, there is this definition (admittedly, the FIRST one that came up when I decided to research patience):

patient

the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Google Dictionary

And I have to admit, I am a patient person.

Or, as I like to say, “I’m not at a patient person, but I play one in real life.”

I don’t FEEL patient.

I want what I want NOW. I don’t want to wait.

My inner toddler is throwing themselves on the ground yelling and kicking and screaming about not getting her way IMMEDIATAMENTE (as they par-lay on Frawn-says).

Like, now.

RIGHT NOW.

But I don’t show that. Because it’s rude to act that way at 45 (nearly 46), and frankly, it won’t do me any damn good, and actually might hinder me getting there.

So I don’t.

And frankly, it’s not that hard. It’s second nature to me now to overrule my inner Veruca Salt and simply be calm and peaceful, and well, patient.

Which, honestly, I never really thought much about.

Because inside I don’t feel that way.

At all.

So, I don’t FEEL patient.

But on the outside, in my actions, in my behaviors, I’m cool as a cucumber. Or at least a slightly warmed summer peach.

I don’t flip my lid.

Not often.

Maybe 2x a year? I don’t know. It’s rare.

So, I guess I am patient. And I consider that a good thing.

However, the point I’ve been making all along is equally important. Perhaps more so.

When it comes to dealing with people, specifically, rather than cultivate patience, I find it easier to cultivate a lack of provocation and strain.

I rarely take it personally.

I am rarely offended.

I find people fascinating (even when I disagree with them or find their views repugnant).

And these things add up to not needing to exercise patience, but instead trying to connect with people more often in more ways, and experiencing their ideas and words and insights in ways I never could if I were provoked and strained and practiced patience.

So, I was wrong (and ya’ll were right).

And I was right (ya’ll weren’t wrong).

And I’m not only good with this, I’ve learned more about the world and how we all navigate it.

What are your thoughts?

How do you experience patience (if at all)?

Have you always been patient (or impatient)? Is it something that has changed for you over the years? How has it helped/harmed you?

SCREW HUMILITY! I Want To Read Your Brags!

Screw Humility

One of the things I love about kink is all the amazing things we kinksters get up to. All the freaky shit we do. The ideas that flow out of our heads.

Today, I’d love to read some of that shit.

Big, small, crazy, weird, fun or learning experience, share it!

  • Finally checked off a fantasy bucket list item?
  • Created an amazing scene for someone?
  • Learned a new skill?
  • Started learning a new skill, and still suck at it, but happy anyway?
  • Do happy things for/with someone (including yourself)?

Let’s share our wonderful brags with each other.

Rules:

1. Share ANYTHING you’re proud of. Kink is wonderful. Non-Kink is also welcome. Links to projects, writing, photos, whatever are also welcome here. Self-promote, if you wanna.

2. Give someone else props for their amazing thing, if you can. Love comments, tell them how fuckballs fantastic they are, or, if they are doing something you are interested in, connect to share.

3. Negativity will be deleted. I don’t EVER do this, except here. I’m telling you now. Don’t be an asshole. If you aren’t wild about something, scroll by. If you think something is negative, let me know.

4. Take inspiration and RUN with it!

Why I’m Named After A Vagina

Nookie

So, way, WAYYYYYY back when, in my barely-into-teen-nerdy days, I had a bit of cash to spend.

And my birthday was coming up, so I started a new tradition.

Buying myself a birthday present each year.

That year, it was the Oxford English Dictionary.

And, at 14, with friends mostly in the 15-17 year range, what do you think we would want to do with the world’s most complete English language dictionary (as I understood it at that time)?

Look up the dirty words, of course!

Continue reading “Why I’m Named After A Vagina”

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

kilig
the jittery fluttering feeling as you talk to someone you fancy

When we speak, our vocabulary often gives people an impression of us, especially what our intelligence quotient, or IQ, might be.

When we feel a full range of emotions, we are exhibiting our emotional quotient, or EQ, might be.

In a conversation this morning, Selene mentioned somebody with “the emotional range of a teaspoon.” It made me laugh.

We all know people like this, who live life in a small handful of emotions:

  • Happiness
  • Anger
  • Sadness

The problem with this simplicity of feeling is that if you are not happy, then you are sad or angry. Boredom becomes sadness. Conflicted become angry.

There is no room for contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, peacefulness…

There is also no clear distinction for joy, wonderment, ebullience, amazement, or bliss.

Anger is angry. Not peeved, or peckish, not frustrated or put-out. It’s also not ragey or furious or stormy.

And where might comfort, or compassion or meditative find their spot?

When everything becomes so simplistic, we actually live a less fulfilling life. We don’t even really get to EXPERIENCE the range of emotion, because we cannot describe it to ourselves and label those feeling, leaning into them.

And, even when we might experience them, we don’t have the opportunity to really embrace them and appreciate them. Like kilig. Now that you know there is a word for that, I bet you’ll recognize it when it comes around again.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows offers up words for things we never realized we had words for before, giving us a more layered look at life, like sonder or occhiolism.

Other languages bring us new concepts and ideas. Like Greek, and the types of love:

  • agape
  • eros
  • philia
  • philautia
  • storge
  • pragma
  • ludus
  • mania

Or check out this article on non-English words for emotions you never knew you had.

But, even within our own language, we have SO MANY options to choose from. Just check out this list (PDF): Ultimate List of Emotions

A Small Exercise

Pick an emotive word you rarely use, but that you have felt recently. Alternatively, pick a word that you love that you intend to identify in your life in the future.

Think about how feeling THAT word is different than a more simplistic word might be. How simply identifying the feeling differently gives you a more complex and accurate way to FEEL.

If you’re willing, share it (or several). smiles

I learned an emotion today that I plan to lean into:

Sukha (Sanskrit) – genuine lasting happiness independent of circumstances

What’s yours?

Image by Sol_Noblehart from Pixabay

It’s VERY Difficult To Offend Me

It's VERY Difficult To Offend Me

It’s hard to offend me. I tell people this a lot, usually when they are doing that verbal warning thing about something that’s about to come out of their mouth being offensive.

I simply say, “It’s really hard to offend me. Just say it.”

And it’s true.

I don’t get offended much.

There are things I don’t like to hear, because they go against not only what I believe, but what I stand for as a person, and the people I also stand for.

For example, I run a Women In Charge group on Facebook, and we get a lot of people attracted to the group who are into Female Supremacy.

I’m not.

And I don’t allow it in my group.

Continue reading “It’s VERY Difficult To Offend Me”

Got A Problem? Hurting? Maybe You Need To Read This Today.

Got Problems? Hurting?

I get it. I do.

I have so many problems that I’ll be busy now until the day I die, and still not overcome them all.

We all have problems, all of us.

“If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.” — Regina Brett

For me this is true.

But because we’re the protagonists of our own little dramas, our problems may seem like their some kinda big deal.

Thing is, if we die tomorrow, our problems probably won’t matter much…

This is not to make light of them.

AT ALL.

Your problems are yours, and they are valid.

Here’s the thing, though, if you’re letting those problems get you down (which I’ve done, myself more than once):

Your problems don’t define you.

How you handle your problems does.

Remember that what you’re going through is just a part of your present and it will soon be a part of your past.

It’s not your life.

It’s a current situation.

YOU are every problem you’ve ever overcome.

You are every loving word you’ve ever spoken to lift others. You are every smile you’ve ever inspired on another’s face. You are the hugs you give and the happiness you share. You are the giggles you tell jokes for. You are the shoulder others cry on. You are the directions you give to a stranger on the street.

You are all of this.

And you are your problems.

But you are not JUST your problems, I promise you. Even if it seems that way right now.

I am not just my problems, either.

In fact, I don’t call my problems “problems.”

prob·lem

/ˈpräbləm/
noun
a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.

chal·lenge

/ˈCHalənj/
noun
a task or situation that tests someone’s abilities.

I call them challenges. And that actually makes a huge difference for me. Sure, they test my abilities, my patience, and my mood. That is neither necessarily unwelcome or harmful.

“How much can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight?” — Tyler Durdin

You are not just your problems.

YOU Define you. With your actions. All of them. From the moment of the beginning of you, until the end of it all.

And that give you a lot of amazing you to help you overcome your challenges.

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

Don’t Trust Me

Don't Trust Me

Seriously.

Don’t.

You don’t know me.

(Well, you probably don’t. Most people who read my writings don’t know me. Not well enough to trust me.)

So, don’t.

Don’t take me at my word.

Don’t believe what I say.

Don’t make changes in your life because of me.

Because you don’t really know me. And you don’t know what my purposes are in writing all these…counts…773 blogs.

You don’t know whether I’ve done my research (or whether I’m cherry-picking links) or I’m talking out my ass. Whether I use alternative facts or not. Whether I give two shits (or less) about you and your personal growth, relationship success, or kink endeavors.

I might be trying to subvert the world. Create unthinking automatons. Make kink into the image I see in my head. Or, maybe I want to sow chaos and insanity.

(Sometimes the comments almost convince me of that last one, LOL!)

I may just be WRONG with all the best intentions.

Thing is, I don’t want you to trust me. Not with what I write here. Not even that I look like my pictures.

(I don’t—I really only choose the ones that look FAR better than my daily visage, and that should tell you how hideous I truly am on the street).

Challenge me.

Fact-check me.

Look for ways to prove me wrong.

Make up your own damn mind.

Or don’t. That’s your right also.

I’m just telling you that I don’t want you to trust me.

Unless I earn it.

Image by Анна Куликова from Pixabay

My Early New Year’s Resolution: I’m Giving Up Why

I'm Giving Up Why

I’m starting early, because I know this is a tough one.

I’ve been reducing why for a while. A few years. Sometimes it still slips out. I can’t help it. It feels so DAMN good.

“WHY” is a mental masturbation trap. It’s so easy to get sucked into.

It feels so good when we think we may have ‘why’ figured it out, but it’s also mental masochism, because we don’t REALLY know and we know we don’t really know.

Even when they tell us ‘why,’ we know that their given reason (no matter how sincere or honest) is often not the REAL reason.

Sure, the reason they give for ‘why’ is often enlightening. We can learn from it.

It rarely really ‘why,’ though.

Science has shown that humans use a decide-first-justify-later process for nearly everything. Our emotions tell us what to do, based on our personal priorities, survival language, and perceived good, then we explain ‘why’ even to ourselves.

In other words, even those of us who really pay attention and self-reflect rarely know why we’re doing what we’re doing.

So, for example, it’s a more accurate judge of character to just go by behaviors over time and assume people have their reasons.

From there we can determine (ie: decide-first-justify-later) our own reactions and move on.

More accurate.

Not easier.

Because ‘why’ is tempting. Asking “Why?” put the blame and emotional labor onto others (which is a HUGE relief when we are feeling burdened by whatever).

I’ve been pretty good about removing that from my life.

  • Instead of “Why do you feel that way,” I might say, “What inspired that?”
  • Instead of “Why did you do _____ ,” I might ask, “What made _____ seem to be the best action?”

Now, these may not seem all that different. And they are not, except in one thing:

What, in these cases focuses focuses on actual thoughts and actions they have had, versus making someone dig through the murky waters of their brain for justifications.

And it doesn’t create as strong a knee-jerk response of defensiveness in most people as “Why?” does.

That’s worked for me, mostly.

It’s harder to stop asking ‘why’ in my head, and trying to fill in the answers about other people’s behaviors. But I’m working on it.

I just focus on what I’m feeling when I start asking that question, and listen to my thoughts and feelings. I also look at the actual behaviors and think about them from a logical perspective, then let go and move on.

It’s been good to me.

I’m going to work on it more.

Intentionally.

Because I don’t even like regular masturbation much. Mental masturbation, I like even less.