Unconditional Relationships? *cough cough* BULLSHIT!

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Back in 2016, I read an article by Mark Manson about how unconditional love is the highest form of love there is, and that many people never grow up enough to reach that level of relationship selflessness and nirvana. (link)

He talks about how people get “stuck on conditional relationships,” and says:

When our relationships are conditional, we don’t really have relationships at all.


Unconditional relationships are the only real relationships. They cannot be shaken by the ups and downs of life. They are not altered by superficial benefits and failures. If you and I have an unconditional friendship, it doesn’t matter if I lose my job and move to another country, or you get a sex change and start playing the banjo; you and I will continue to respect and support each other.

And I agree with the points he’s making, in the way he’s making them. After all, he’s taken the idea of conditional relationships and defined them to mean something very specific within his writing that gets narrower and narrower as he goes on—because it has to, to make his point.

In doing that, though, I think that he misses the real truth by a country mile.

Continue reading “Unconditional Relationships? *cough cough* BULLSHIT!”

“Others Have It Worse…”




Someone once said to me:

“She doesn’t have it as bad as she makes out. A lot of people have it a lot worse.”

“A lot of people have it a lot worse.” is a crappy thing to say or think to anyone except yourself. Because everyone has a different level of strength and tolerance, different levels of ability to deal.

And when you’re in the middle of your own situation, your own overwhelm, it’s bad enough, whether others might be starving or beat up, or whatever…YOU are still in pain. Now.

And someone saying that to you… well, it’s shitty.

Saying it to yourself to put things in perspective, sure. That’s OK. As long as you don’t beat yourself up with it. It’s a perspective tool, not a specialized bat designed to knock the feels out of you.

And as they say:

“Saying someone can’t be sad because someone else may have it worse is like saying someone can’t be happy because someone else may have it better.”

For example, I’m ASPD. For me, it’s MUCH more difficult than many to connect with people, because I was born without the usual capacity empathy. It’s something I had to learn, and I’ve had to cultivate compassion every day of my life.

My Pet, however, connects naturally. It comes effortlessly to him.

On the other hand, I am more intellectual than he is. And better with technology and willpower.

So, we could compare our challenges all day long, saying that I have it worse, or he does, or someone else. But that still leaves us with our own challenges that can seem overwhelming sometimes—even when we’ve been through worse ourselves.

So, perhaps better to help lift our friends when we can, give them the support and love we can, and not compare them with others.

Just a thought.


* Sure, I’m sure someone will have that anecdote about another person saying to them, “At least you’re not starving, chased by a rebel army, and shot in the gut like I was back in ’63,” and it waking them up to exactly how good they have it now that their wife left them with their truck and their dog died—all on their birthday. That’s statistically irrelevant for the purposes of this post.

The Arc Of An Online Relationship In 9 Hours

22 hours ago:

Thank you for accepting my friend request.

Did you write these books?

21 hours ago:

Hi there. I took a look at “Dating Kinky.” It’s a good web site. I own a marketing company, so I know good work when I see it. Nice work!

18 hours ago:

Thank you for accepting my friend request. I am looking forward to reading your kinky books.

14 hours ago:

Hi There. Do you ever come to Washington? I see on your profile you belong to a DC BDSM group.

Hi again. Do you still want to chat?

are you there?

13 hours ago:

I said you have a sexy tummy and cute panties

Hi There Again. Thank you for accepting my friend requests. I have had a look at your books. It’s a cool web site.

when is your next book coming out?

did you read my profile? You can learn some things about me there.

12 hours ago:

Hi. I give up. Good bye.

You can’t respond to this conversation because UserName has deactivated their account, you’ve blocked them, or they’ve blocked you.

These messages came in multiple threads over 9 hours. In the middle of a weekday.

Continue reading “The Arc Of An Online Relationship In 9 Hours”

I Was Told Today…”50 Years Ago Folks Didn’t Do Anal”


This young man also proceeded to tell me that cunnilingus:

“puts guys in a women s position”

and that

“it’s just now becoming a norm.”
“I feel it’s new.”
“Men in the decade have just started doing it”

Let me tell you something here. This young man grew up in a religious family who adhered to the Bible.

I wonder if they’d torn out the Song of Solomon, LOL!

About anal, he also had this to say:

“In this generation ideas. Changing”

I replied, “Nothing is changing. You shits think you’re fucking discovering shit. Puh-leeeeeease. This is old as the fucking hills. It’s not new.”

Of course, that’s when he hits me with the 50 years line.

Fuuuuuuck! I mean, really.

When we were in Spain this past week, Pet and I had the honor and pleasure of spending a day in the La Mancha region with two amazing men. One gave us a hiking tour with some history of the region, and he and I got into a discussion about a dear friend of mine (now passed) who had done some amazing work of researching and documenting homosexual pairings in the Spanish Armada and piracy.

Gay Spanish pirates!

(Oh, but only in the past 50 years, of course! LOL!)

I mean, this boy has never heard of the Romans?

Or even (again) in his own bible?

Or, I dunno, done even a tiny bit of research of his own?

This is a bright young man, listening to people who have convinced him that:

“Since women make all the rules of sex relationships love they own it and men have no say just blindly follow ass.”

It saddens me for this boy and our friendship, and for his future prospects at happiness. Deeply.

NOTE: I don’t believe men should have to eat pussy. In fact, I wrote about that more than 5 years ago: My Perspective: Why Guys Should Not Be Required To Go Down On Girls

Men. Are. NOT. Trash!

The OP: Men. Are. Trash. (FetLife link.)

I disagree entirely.

Men are not trash.

Women are not trash.

PEOPLE are not trash.

There are people of every gender who do not have social skills. There are people of every gender that do not play by the rules. There are people of every gender who do shocking, horrible things.

I have actually found that especially online, most people (of all genders) are reduced.

Few put the effort in to be their genuine selves on the internet. The relative anonymity combined with the extra effort of being clear in written language (which is not most people’s wheelhouse), added to the basic awkwardness/anxiety most people feel interacting with other people (especially those they don’t know) gets the better of them.

Of me, sometimes, too.

To suggest it is because of their gender, well, that’s no better than saying it’s because of their sexual orientation or their race or their socioeconomic class.

And I’m pretty sure that people understand what I mean if I were to say that “Women are trash,” or that “Black people are trash,” or “Poor people are trash,” because, well, we KNOW it’s wrong to paint an entire group of people that only for sure have one thing in common (gender identity, race, bank account balance) with the exact same brush.

Because that’s misogynistic. Or racist. Or classist. Or… well, whatever.

And yet, we feel OK doing this to men.

Specifically cis-het white men, usually, but men in general. The reasoning is that they do this so often. They cause so much harm.

True, true. Of many.

And yet, that doesn’t make it right to do it back.

To defend yourself or someone else, or even an idea? Sure.

To go on the offensive with those who have done it (in your actual knowledge) or who are doing it now?

Fuck yeah.

But ALL of them?




I’m not OK with that.

Because while individuals are assholes, hatemongers, racists, misogynists, buttheads, fuck bois, twats, awkward, lame, manipulative, clueless…MEN are not.

People are not.

PROOF Women are Smarter Than Men

The results have been published by James Flynn, a world-renowned expert in IQ testing, who believes the demands of the modern age are raising standards of intelligence.

He said: “In the last 100 years the IQ scores of both men and women have risen, but women’s have risen faster.

“This is a consequence of modernity. The complexity of the modern world is making our brains adapt and raising our IQ.” source

Except let’s look at what they don’t say.

They don’t say that the maximum difference is 1.5 points. With the average IQ of 100, that would, at best, make women 1.5% more intelligent.


They don’t mention that in five countries studied, one of the countries still had women trailing (by half a point).

They don’t say that James Flynn himself does not believe women are smarter than men.

In fact, he thinks that men and women are equal in intelligence and (as a result of experience) that women are better test-takers and focus better in test-taking situations, and men focus better in other areas.

They don’t mention that you can get wider margins by comparing races or people with different scoio-economic backgrounds (not just about money, but also about attitudes towards education) than you can by comparing gender.

They don’t mention that while IQ is a correlation to success, it is not a strong one, and your parent’s socioeconomic status + your IQ only counts for 14% of your potential future outcome.

So, yeah. There’s proof women are “smarter” than men, if an IQ test is the proof you need. She’s about $1.50 smarter, if you’re the man holding the $100 bill.


Now you can buy yourself a cola.

Here’s the thing:

I started this research because someone in my Women In Charge group on Facebook posted a thank you for adding them into the group and that they believe in Female Led Relationships (FLRs) because, “women are smarter.”

I said:

Please refrain from any sort of sexist language that would be unacceptable if turned around.
The group is not about superiority, but a chosen way of life.
I know many amazing male dominants, and women I would not put in charge of a goldfish.

The other thing to keep in mind that there is a wider range of difference comparing men to men than comparing the highest scored man (210) to the highest scored woman (228).

Also, MORE men score higher than women. Men overall have more variability in their scores, generally hitting higher highs and lower lows.

So, how about instead of worrying about who is smarter, based on a standardized scale and the plumbing they are born with, we interact as individuals?

Frankly, My Dear (Kinkster), I Don’t Give A Damn

I don’t want to hear your sob story.

I am not saying this to hurt your feelings or to drive you away.

If you have a question about a challenge you are facing in your kink or love life, I’m happy to help or offer my experience as I can.

I just don’t think that either you or I will get much out of a conversation where we talk about everything that is outside your control and how it runs your life.

Come at me with a challenge and a can-do attitude towards what you can take control of, and I’m in.

Let me further clarify:

I’m not saying that having someone to talk to about what you feel is out of your control is a bad thing. I’m simply saying that I’m not the one for that. I’m not a licensed therapist, and I don’t have a talent for that kind of thinking.

If I were perfect, I probably would. I’m working on it.

But for you, let’s just pretend I don’t have any of that.

Consider this your fair warning:

If you want to talk about how the world, your partners, people you want sex from, or the barista at your local Coffee Gulp done you wrong, I won’t give a damn.

The Majority Vs. What’s Right

The Majority Vs. What's Right

A lifestyle group I participate in on Facebook recently changed it’s name to try to draw more people to it.

It used to be Artists’ Box (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent, it’s a kink group).

The leaders got together and chose a name, and made it happen, changing the name to Painter’s and Sketcher’s Art Studio.

Thing is, the name made some people in the group feel left out, because they are neither painters nor sketchers.

Some do pottery. Some blow glass. They feel excluded.

Some are multi-talented, and feel like the name is too restrictive.

Continue reading “The Majority Vs. What’s Right”

When Men Cock Block Themselves

When Men Cock Block Themselves

I usually write from a calendar of ideas and inspiration. Right now, mine is full through sometime in October.

But, sometimes, I write what’s on my my mind RIGHT NOW. Or I write about something that keeps coming up over and over. Because, I figure if it’s a recurring theme, it’s banging me on my noggin, saying, “TIME TO WRITE ME!”

This is one of those times.

So, the past couple of weeks, I’ve had conversations with several of my girlfriends about the idea of men just getting in their own damn way—cock blocking themselves.

Like, we like them.

We’re attracted to them.

We want to sex them.

Then, they kill our lady boners flat ded with some idiotic remark we can’t unhear.

Continue reading “When Men Cock Block Themselves”

That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do

That ONE Thing You Didn't Do

I saw this meme on FB the other day. It said, “You can do 99 things for someone, and all they’ll remember is the one thing you didn’t do.”

It made me a little sick to my stomach.

Because I CAN see both sides. I know people who are constantly looking at life through, “Why didn’t I get this?” glasses. The ungrateful ones.

I also know what it means to have someone do 99 things for me, and have them all be the WRONG things, things that don’t matter. Things that don’t inspire me to feel loved, but instead inspire feelings of:

  • suffocation
  • micromanaging
  • being taken for granted
  • being unseen
  • being unheard

And regardless of your good intentions (if there are any), if what you do “for me” makes me less happy, in love, and overall satisfied with life than if you’d done nothing, well, then, I don’t want them, TYVM.

I’ll take the one thing that would show me you really care in a way I can receive it.

  • Instead of 99 gifts that you could buy for anyone, or that are all wrong for me, I’ll take the one small sketch you doodled during a meeting at work while you were thinking of me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you asked me where I was and what I was doing, I’ll take the one time, you asked me how my day went and really listened and shared with me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you told me the right way to do something, I’ll take the one time we learned something together, and both contributed to making the results better than we could have done separately.
  • Instead of “I love you” said 99 times, I’ll take that tipsy text late at night telling me how much I mean to you and how I make your life better in so many ways, how I make you feel loved beyond anything you’ve ever known, and how you hope I’m sleeping well, and this will be the first thing I read in the morning.

So, I get it. Both sides.

I choose to leave the ungrateful people out of my life.

And rewrite that meme:

You could do 99 things that don’t matter to some, and leave them wishing you’d done the one thing that DID matter.