Men. Are. NOT. Trash!

The OP: Men. Are. Trash. (FetLife link.)

I disagree entirely.

Men are not trash.

Women are not trash.

PEOPLE are not trash.

There are people of every gender who do not have social skills. There are people of every gender that do not play by the rules. There are people of every gender who do shocking, horrible things.

I have actually found that especially online, most people (of all genders) are reduced.

Few put the effort in to be their genuine selves on the internet. The relative anonymity combined with the extra effort of being clear in written language (which is not most people’s wheelhouse), added to the basic awkwardness/anxiety most people feel interacting with other people (especially those they don’t know) gets the better of them.

Of me, sometimes, too.

To suggest it is because of their gender, well, that’s no better than saying it’s because of their sexual orientation or their race or their socioeconomic class.

And I’m pretty sure that people understand what I mean if I were to say that “Women are trash,” or that “Black people are trash,” or “Poor people are trash,” because, well, we KNOW it’s wrong to paint an entire group of people that only for sure have one thing in common (gender identity, race, bank account balance) with the exact same brush.

Because that’s misogynistic. Or racist. Or classist. Or… well, whatever.

And yet, we feel OK doing this to men.

Specifically cis-het white men, usually, but men in general. The reasoning is that they do this so often. They cause so much harm.

True, true. Of many.

And yet, that doesn’t make it right to do it back.

To defend yourself or someone else, or even an idea? Sure.

To go on the offensive with those who have done it (in your actual knowledge) or who are doing it now?

Fuck yeah.

But ALL of them?

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

I’m not OK with that.

Because while individuals are assholes, hatemongers, racists, misogynists, buttheads, fuck bois, twats, awkward, lame, manipulative, clueless…MEN are not.

People are not.

PROOF Women are Smarter Than Men

The results have been published by James Flynn, a world-renowned expert in IQ testing, who believes the demands of the modern age are raising standards of intelligence.

He said: “In the last 100 years the IQ scores of both men and women have risen, but women’s have risen faster.

“This is a consequence of modernity. The complexity of the modern world is making our brains adapt and raising our IQ.” source

Except let’s look at what they don’t say.

They don’t say that the maximum difference is 1.5 points. With the average IQ of 100, that would, at best, make women 1.5% more intelligent.

Whoopee!

They don’t mention that in five countries studied, one of the countries still had women trailing (by half a point).

They don’t say that James Flynn himself does not believe women are smarter than men.

In fact, he thinks that men and women are equal in intelligence and (as a result of experience) that women are better test-takers and focus better in test-taking situations, and men focus better in other areas.

They don’t mention that you can get wider margins by comparing races or people with different scoio-economic backgrounds (not just about money, but also about attitudes towards education) than you can by comparing gender.

They don’t mention that while IQ is a correlation to success, it is not a strong one, and your parent’s socioeconomic status + your IQ only counts for 14% of your potential future outcome.

So, yeah. There’s proof women are “smarter” than men, if an IQ test is the proof you need. She’s about $1.50 smarter, if you’re the man holding the $100 bill.

Awesome.

Now you can buy yourself a cola.

Here’s the thing:

I started this research because someone in my Women In Charge group on Facebook posted a thank you for adding them into the group and that they believe in Female Led Relationships (FLRs) because, “women are smarter.”

I said:

Please refrain from any sort of sexist language that would be unacceptable if turned around.
The group is not about superiority, but a chosen way of life.
I know many amazing male dominants, and women I would not put in charge of a goldfish.
smiles
Thanks!

The other thing to keep in mind that there is a wider range of difference comparing men to men than comparing the highest scored man (210) to the highest scored woman (228).

Also, MORE men score higher than women. Men overall have more variability in their scores, generally hitting higher highs and lower lows.

So, how about instead of worrying about who is smarter, based on a standardized scale and the plumbing they are born with, we interact as individuals?

Frankly, My Dear (Kinkster), I Don’t Give A Damn

I don’t want to hear your sob story.

I am not saying this to hurt your feelings or to drive you away.

If you have a question about a challenge you are facing in your kink or love life, I’m happy to help or offer my experience as I can.

I just don’t think that either you or I will get much out of a conversation where we talk about everything that is outside your control and how it runs your life.

Come at me with a challenge and a can-do attitude towards what you can take control of, and I’m in.

Let me further clarify:

I’m not saying that having someone to talk to about what you feel is out of your control is a bad thing. I’m simply saying that I’m not the one for that. I’m not a licensed therapist, and I don’t have a talent for that kind of thinking.

If I were perfect, I probably would. I’m working on it.

But for you, let’s just pretend I don’t have any of that.

Consider this your fair warning:

If you want to talk about how the world, your partners, people you want sex from, or the barista at your local Coffee Gulp done you wrong, I won’t give a damn.

The Majority Vs. What’s Right

The Majority Vs. What's Right

A lifestyle group I participate in on Facebook recently changed it’s name to try to draw more people to it.

It used to be Artists’ Box (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent, it’s a kink group).

The leaders got together and chose a name, and made it happen, changing the name to Painter’s and Sketcher’s Art Studio.

Thing is, the name made some people in the group feel left out, because they are neither painters nor sketchers.

Some do pottery. Some blow glass. They feel excluded.

Some are multi-talented, and feel like the name is too restrictive.

Continue reading “The Majority Vs. What’s Right”

When Men Cock Block Themselves

When Men Cock Block Themselves

I usually write from a calendar of ideas and inspiration. Right now, mine is full through sometime in October.

But, sometimes, I write what’s on my my mind RIGHT NOW. Or I write about something that keeps coming up over and over. Because, I figure if it’s a recurring theme, it’s banging me on my noggin, saying, “TIME TO WRITE ME!”

This is one of those times.

So, the past couple of weeks, I’ve had conversations with several of my girlfriends about the idea of men just getting in their own damn way—cock blocking themselves.

Like, we like them.

We’re attracted to them.

We want to sex them.

Then, they kill our lady boners flat ded with some idiotic remark we can’t unhear.

Continue reading “When Men Cock Block Themselves”

That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do

That ONE Thing You Didn't Do

I saw this meme on FB the other day. It said, “You can do 99 things for someone, and all they’ll remember is the one thing you didn’t do.”

It made me a little sick to my stomach.

Because I CAN see both sides. I know people who are constantly looking at life through, “Why didn’t I get this?” glasses. The ungrateful ones.

I also know what it means to have someone do 99 things for me, and have them all be the WRONG things, things that don’t matter. Things that don’t inspire me to feel loved, but instead inspire feelings of:

  • suffocation
  • micromanaging
  • being taken for granted
  • being unseen
  • being unheard

And regardless of your good intentions (if there are any), if what you do “for me” makes me less happy, in love, and overall satisfied with life than if you’d done nothing, well, then, I don’t want them, TYVM.

I’ll take the one thing that would show me you really care in a way I can receive it.

  • Instead of 99 gifts that you could buy for anyone, or that are all wrong for me, I’ll take the one small sketch you doodled during a meeting at work while you were thinking of me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you asked me where I was and what I was doing, I’ll take the one time, you asked me how my day went and really listened and shared with me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you told me the right way to do something, I’ll take the one time we learned something together, and both contributed to making the results better than we could have done separately.
  • Instead of “I love you” said 99 times, I’ll take that tipsy text late at night telling me how much I mean to you and how I make your life better in so many ways, how I make you feel loved beyond anything you’ve ever known, and how you hope I’m sleeping well, and this will be the first thing I read in the morning.

So, I get it. Both sides.

I choose to leave the ungrateful people out of my life.

And rewrite that meme:

You could do 99 things that don’t matter to some, and leave them wishing you’d done the one thing that DID matter.

STDs/STIs: More Partners Does NOT Equal More Risk

STDs / STIs

There is a lot of misinformation going around about STDs/STIs, and one of the biggies is “the more sexual partners you have, the higher your risk of having something.”

It seems logical, right?

The more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to catch something.

Nope.

No.

Not at all.

That’s not how science works.

And to be clear, this isn’t what I was actually planning on writing about today. I was going to write about open relationships, and how Mayim Bialik got it all wrong in one video, then got it mostly right in another.

Mayim Bialik gets it wrong.

Mayim Bialik gets it right.

But, as I was reading comments on the second video, I saw quite a few focusing in on the title topic, and remembered a conversation I had on the same topic a while back, and was inspired.

How Risk Of STDs/STIs Works

The relevant statistics are not the number of people you have sex with, but the risk levels of the people you have sex with.

It’s basic disease vector science.

Let’s look at an example of a disease vector I intersected with earlier this year: In late January, early February, the flu was going around. I was quite ill, so I went to the doctor. He thought I might have the flu, but he also thought I might have had a quite severe respiratory infection that may require quarantine.

Now, the reason he thought I might have the flu is obvious: So many people near me in North Carolina had the flu, and I was a breathing human.

However, the reason he had me tested for that nasty respiratory infection was not because I was breathing around so many people in North Carolina, but because I had a 12-hour layout in the Middle East on my way back from Thailand (and naturally had to breathe once or twice while there), and that put me at risk.

The issue was not that I breathed (had sex) but that I breathed (had sex) with a high-risk group multiple times for a period of time, without taking precautions like a mask (condom, papers) that might have reduced my risk to almost nothing.

This is how disease vectors work.

It’s not how many people you breathe around (sleep with).

It’s how many people you breathe around (sleep with) that pose a risk.

AND, factors like personal immunity and health always play a factor as well.

Let’s look at two extreme examples…

First, the person who have had sex 100 times, but only protected sex with untouched virgins.

I’m not sure this person exists, truthfully. However, I’m making a point.

Second, the person who has monogamous unprotected sex with one person (ever) with syphilis.

Who’s more at risk of STDs/STIs?

Obviously, the second person.

(Unless the first person made out with someone with mono, shook hands and then touched their eye with someone who has a herpes outbreak and had just touched their genitals (perhaps in the washroom, without washing, slept on the same sheets as someone with crabs, or ate food carelessly prepared by someone with hepatitis, etc.)

And if that second person has sex multiple times with the same infected partner, their risk increases through multiple exposures.

Still, our faithful here is not 100% guaranteed to get syphilis, based on their having that sex, even multiple times. Some people have immunities and barriers that protect them in ways that are not yet fully understood by science.

Just as some people rarely get sick (I rarely do), and some get sick quite regularly.

So, to recap, it’s not the number of partners you have sex with, it’s how risky your sex is multiplied by their risk factors and so on.

And according to some, that is a HUGE risk, suggesting that even one male partner in his twenties can equal sex with 479,201 people. And that’s one partner.

The fearmongering crowd can be quite vocal.

As they say in finance…

“Past performance does not equal future results.”

Just as in investing, the number of people someone has slept with does not equal their history of STDs/STIs, nor does it suggest that they will continue that exact same rate into the future.

People change. Motivations change. Hormones and desires change.

So, in closing,

You have an absolute right to choose your own safety level for you.

Choosing your personal boundaries when it comes to the sex you have, how safe it is, and what sort of disclosure you want from your partner about current interactions and status is 100% OK.

Just don’t think you can beat actual diagnoses and science by simply totting up their bangs.

Do It Anyway…

A Post-It™ note that has "Just Do It!" handwritten on it.

What do I do when I want to speak up, but I’m afraid of rejection?

I’d love to go to that kinky event, but I have no one to go with me.

I’ve put myself out there, and I’ve been insulted over and over. I’m afraid of doing it again.

I’ve gotten comments like this, messages, had these conversations…

My reply is always:

Do it, anyway.

Continue reading “Do It Anyway…”

“Every relationship will get boring…” FUCK THAT!

Image with the text: "Every relationship will get "boring" after you've been together for years, if you let it. Love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment; to love every day, physically and emotionally. It's difficult, it's not always laughs, smiles and fun. People tend to quit when it stops being fun, and they go look for someone else. "Oh the spark is gone." No, that's not how it works. You want somebody to never give up on you, and love you unconditionally? Do the same. Be the change. This isn't Hollywood, this isn't the movies. That shit isn't real. Love someone when you don't want to. When they are being a fucking asshole. When they're being hard to love. That's the realest shit there is."
I saw this on Facebook this morning, and my response to it was strong enough that I wanted to write about it today, rather than whatever I have on my calendar (that’ll just get pushed off to the end of September or so).

Anyway, this image.

I disagree.

Love IS a feeling. It’s created of chemicals being released in our bodies as a results of certain behaviors, looks, and chemistry, and how we respond to those.

Commitment is commitment.

To suggest that love = commitment suggests that commitment = love, and I think we all know that is a false equivalency. Continue reading ““Every relationship will get boring…” FUCK THAT!”