That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do

That ONE Thing You Didn't Do

I saw this meme on FB the other day. It said, “You can do 99 things for someone, and all they’ll remember is the one thing you didn’t do.”

It made me a little sick to my stomach.

Because I CAN see both sides. I know people who are constantly looking at life through, “Why didn’t I get this?” glasses. The ungrateful ones.

I also know what it means to have someone do 99 things for me, and have them all be the WRONG things, things that don’t matter. Things that don’t inspire me to feel loved, but instead inspire feelings of:

  • suffocation
  • micromanaging
  • being taken for granted
  • being unseen
  • being unheard

And regardless of your good intentions (if there are any), if what you do “for me” makes me less happy, in love, and overall satisfied with life than if you’d done nothing, well, then, I don’t want them, TYVM.

I’ll take the one thing that would show me you really care in a way I can receive it.

  • Instead of 99 gifts that you could buy for anyone, or that are all wrong for me, I’ll take the one small sketch you doodled during a meeting at work while you were thinking of me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you asked me where I was and what I was doing, I’ll take the one time, you asked me how my day went and really listened and shared with me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you told me the right way to do something, I’ll take the one time we learned something together, and both contributed to making the results better than we could have done separately.
  • Instead of “I love you” said 99 times, I’ll take that tipsy text late at night telling me how much I mean to you and how I make your life better in so many ways, how I make you feel loved beyond anything you’ve ever known, and how you hope I’m sleeping well, and this will be the first thing I read in the morning.

So, I get it. Both sides.

I choose to leave the ungrateful people out of my life.

And rewrite that meme:

You could do 99 things that don’t matter to some, and leave them wishing you’d done the one thing that DID matter.

STDs/STIs: More Partners Does NOT Equal More Risk

STDs / STIs

There is a lot of misinformation going around about STDs/STIs, and one of the biggies is “the more sexual partners you have, the higher your risk of having something.”

It seems logical, right?

The more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to catch something.

Nope.

No.

Not at all.

That’s not how science works.

And to be clear, this isn’t what I was actually planning on writing about today. I was going to write about open relationships, and how Mayim Bialik got it all wrong in one video, then got it mostly right in another.

Mayim Bialik gets it wrong.

Mayim Bialik gets it right.

But, as I was reading comments on the second video, I saw quite a few focusing in on the title topic, and remembered a conversation I had on the same topic a while back, and was inspired.

How Risk Of STDs/STIs Works

The relevant statistics are not the number of people you have sex with, but the risk levels of the people you have sex with.

It’s basic disease vector science.

Let’s look at an example of a disease vector I intersected with earlier this year: In late January, early February, the flu was going around. I was quite ill, so I went to the doctor. He thought I might have the flu, but he also thought I might have had a quite severe respiratory infection that may require quarantine.

Now, the reason he thought I might have the flu is obvious: So many people near me in North Carolina had the flu, and I was a breathing human.

However, the reason he had me tested for that nasty respiratory infection was not because I was breathing around so many people in North Carolina, but because I had a 12-hour layout in the Middle East on my way back from Thailand (and naturally had to breathe once or twice while there), and that put me at risk.

The issue was not that I breathed (had sex) but that I breathed (had sex) with a high-risk group multiple times for a period of time, without taking precautions like a mask (condom, papers) that might have reduced my risk to almost nothing.

This is how disease vectors work.

It’s not how many people you breathe around (sleep with).

It’s how many people you breathe around (sleep with) that pose a risk.

AND, factors like personal immunity and health always play a factor as well.

Let’s look at two extreme examples…

First, the person who have had sex 100 times, but only protected sex with untouched virgins.

I’m not sure this person exists, truthfully. However, I’m making a point.

Second, the person who has monogamous unprotected sex with one person (ever) with syphilis.

Who’s more at risk of STDs/STIs?

Obviously, the second person.

(Unless the first person made out with someone with mono, shook hands and then touched their eye with someone who has a herpes outbreak and had just touched their genitals (perhaps in the washroom, without washing, slept on the same sheets as someone with crabs, or ate food carelessly prepared by someone with hepatitis, etc.)

And if that second person has sex multiple times with the same infected partner, their risk increases through multiple exposures.

Still, our faithful here is not 100% guaranteed to get syphilis, based on their having that sex, even multiple times. Some people have immunities and barriers that protect them in ways that are not yet fully understood by science.

Just as some people rarely get sick (I rarely do), and some get sick quite regularly.

So, to recap, it’s not the number of partners you have sex with, it’s how risky your sex is multiplied by their risk factors and so on.

And according to some, that is a HUGE risk, suggesting that even one male partner in his twenties can equal sex with 479,201 people. And that’s one partner.

The fearmongering crowd can be quite vocal.

As they say in finance…

“Past performance does not equal future results.”

Just as in investing, the number of people someone has slept with does not equal their history of STDs/STIs, nor does it suggest that they will continue that exact same rate into the future.

People change. Motivations change. Hormones and desires change.

So, in closing,

You have an absolute right to choose your own safety level for you.

Choosing your personal boundaries when it comes to the sex you have, how safe it is, and what sort of disclosure you want from your partner about current interactions and status is 100% OK.

Just don’t think you can beat actual diagnoses and science by simply totting up their bangs.

Do It Anyway…

A Post-It™ note that has "Just Do It!" handwritten on it.

What do I do when I want to speak up, but I’m afraid of rejection?

I’d love to go to that kinky event, but I have no one to go with me.

I’ve put myself out there, and I’ve been insulted over and over. I’m afraid of doing it again.

I’ve gotten comments like this, messages, had these conversations…

My reply is always:

Do it, anyway.

Continue reading “Do It Anyway…”

“Every relationship will get boring…” FUCK THAT!

Image with the text: "Every relationship will get "boring" after you've been together for years, if you let it. Love isn't a feeling, it's a commitment; to love every day, physically and emotionally. It's difficult, it's not always laughs, smiles and fun. People tend to quit when it stops being fun, and they go look for someone else. "Oh the spark is gone." No, that's not how it works. You want somebody to never give up on you, and love you unconditionally? Do the same. Be the change. This isn't Hollywood, this isn't the movies. That shit isn't real. Love someone when you don't want to. When they are being a fucking asshole. When they're being hard to love. That's the realest shit there is."
I saw this on Facebook this morning, and my response to it was strong enough that I wanted to write about it today, rather than whatever I have on my calendar (that’ll just get pushed off to the end of September or so).

Anyway, this image.

I disagree.

Love IS a feeling. It’s created of chemicals being released in our bodies as a results of certain behaviors, looks, and chemistry, and how we respond to those.

Commitment is commitment.

To suggest that love = commitment suggests that commitment = love, and I think we all know that is a false equivalency. Continue reading ““Every relationship will get boring…” FUCK THAT!”

When They Are Drowning In Boiling Hot Tar…

A very dark image of a hand covered in tar reaching out of a pool of tar as if for help or in it's last spasms.

They say to me:

“But I just don’t know how sincere they are in asking for help this time.”

It doesn’t matter how sincere they are. Not all of the time. Certainly not this time.

When they are drowning in boiling hot tar, in the middle of a pit, 30 feet out, their request for help might be both strident and sincere. And that doesn’t matter.

Because no matter how sincere they are, with your current resources, you cannot help them.

You may not be on 100% solid land yourself. You don’t have a helicopter, or a crane. You might not even have a branch to reach out with in vain—It’s a TAR PIT.

They need a professional, perhaps several, with expertise, tools, and resources for saving people from boiling hot, life-consuming tar pits (whether mental or those in La Brea).

And if you ignore that you are not that professional, and you do not have the skills or the equipment (or even a rope), helping them will only likely get you dragged down with them.

Perhaps even faster than they would have gone alone, thereby preventing actual rescue.

Why The Good Dick Gotta Ruin Our Lives?

Is Your Work Suffering?

LOL! A young friend of mine sent me this today:

Some of the relevant transcript (for those who can’t see the vid):

Hey besties. Ladies, I’m just trying to figure out why we keep letting good dick rule our lives. We gotta take a hold of the vagina and keep it outta grasp, and… and do our kegels and ruin their life. Why good dick gotta ruin our lives?

“It’s cool. It ain’t like that. We’ve been through a lot.” Girrrrrl! Girl girl girl! It’s the dick. Keep it 1000. Come on, now…

So, my young friend sends me this, and asks if that’s really true.

(Honestly, I think he’s concerned about giving the good dick… he’s a bit new to all this sex stuff…)

I said for some, sure.

And then there are those who just don’t value dick (no matter how much squirt, how many orgasms, how GOD hisself comes down from the heavens to bless your coital union with sunshine and a choir of angels) over their personal well-being, and know that dick, good and bad, is everywhere, so they will wait for preemo.

What’s preemo?

Well, it’s the package. The people you LIKE who also have the dick.

And when I say “the dick,” I could be talking about any kinda sex here, because I don’t think it’s just women who get stupid over man dick, but any gender getting ass-over-teakettle over any of those good O’s that make you slap someone.

And, funny enough for me, those I like bring the dick better than anyone else.

So, it’s all good.

I guess I’ll have to let something else ruin my life. Today, I pick Ben & Jerry’s.

No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure: The Orgasm Gap

Orgasm Gap

I’ll admit, I still don’t get the Orgasm Gap thing, even though I’ve written about it before.

In this post, the quote I picked up on was:

“According to both the books I’ve read on it, the orgasm gap exists primarily because our culture still overvalues penile pleasure and undervalues clitoral pleasure. “

What does culture have to do with when you are in bed with someone?

I mean, you may overvalue penile pleasure (and for me, there is a LOT to be valued), while I value my clitoral pleasure a great deal. Continue reading “No, Your Culture Does Not Get To Dictate MY Pleasure: The Orgasm Gap”

I Love You (When You’re Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships

Fingers holding a scrap of paper with the handwritten words, "To Me You're Perfect."

It’s an easy trap to fall into, to focus on the good in everyone.

It seems like the right thing to do.

See the good bits, focus on the happy times, let the negative stuff or “bad emotions” slide on by.

I see a lot of this in my friends, and I’ve seen it in myself as well.

It’s a societal thing:

Fetishization of the positive.

By focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative (except when it rears it’s ugly head and barfs in our Cheerios, demanding to be noticed, making us yell and fight and scream, until we can shove it back into it’s dark little cage in the corner and lock it back up, to be ignored…until the next blowup), we are teaching the people around us that they are not loved for who they are.

Continue reading “I Love You (When You’re Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships”

“I Don’t Do Drama.”

A heavily theatrical woman with a speech bubble saying. "I Don't Do Drama."

Of course you do.

Everyone does.

We all do it, and maybe you only do it when it’s YOUR drama (because of course it’s not drama, then, right?), but you do drama.

And when that is a major point to a person’s profile or communication, it actually has the opposite of its intent with me.

I see/hear that and I immediately think that anyone who feels a need to say those things is probably immersed in their own self-involved mental dramatics, and has no regard for whatever anyone else is going through, dismissing it with “I don’t do drama.”

Quit trying to make everyone think you are superior.

No one believes it, anyway.