In 2016, I pissed a metric fuckton of kinksters off with this writing:
Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior
While people made some good points about why I’m wrong, I still stand by what I wrote, and continue to discuss it when it’s an appropriate topic for conversation.
I also posted it in the Masterful Lover forums I’ve been a member of since 2007, and today, a new member found it, and asked the following:
To what extent does the “circle of lies” fall, which IF I understand correctly, includes not volunteering information?
Which got me going about lies and types of lies and some thoughts I’d not yet put into words.
1. OF COURSE we don’t tell everyone everything all of the time. That would be ridiculous.
I’m a very open person. The opposite of many, in that I am willing to share about 80% of my life with anyone who asks, and that left over 20% of me is incredibly private.
Most people are more wary, and the opposite. Sharing 20% of surface or superficial details, and keeping that 80% back.
In either case, though, it’s the same situation: You share whatever level you feel comfortable with whomever has earned that level of sharing by also sharing with you and by receiving your shares in a way you feel appropriate.
AND, when you don’t feel it’s right to share, simply say, “I’m not ready to share that information right now,” or, “Nunya.”
2. As I said in Lies of Omission…, it’s a lie when omit the full truth when you know it’s pertinent to the other person, and you do it to avoid consequences.
“I won’t tell ___ because it will upset them.” “If I say ___ it will start a fight.”
And so on.
These phrases and ones like them are justifications for lying.
To go back to the quote I love so much from David Shade (paraphrased a bit):
“Don’t act out of fear, and don’t fail to act out of fear.”
THIS is a simple guide.
Do you FEAR telling this truth? Then you’re in danger of being disingenuous and lying.
Are you comfortable with your truth and just not yet ready to share with that person, because they have not proven themselves, AND you are willing to say so if they ask?
Then you are being truthful AND setting healthy boundaries.
3. Are you SURE your truth is TRUE?
This is where we often get tripped up. Sometimes we lie as much when we are attempting to tell our truths as when we cover things up.
Because we don’t THINK.
Because in the heat of the moment, we say things we don’t mean.
Because we have a knee-jerk reaction to a threat to our ego.
Think of an argument, when you say hurtful things to another.
Do you WANT to hurt them? Maybe in the moment.
But is that your TRUTH? You’re hurting. Do you really want the person you love to hurt, too?
Then that’s not your TRUTH.
So, you’re lying—or at least not communicating your truth.
Not intentionally, I’m sure. Heat of the moment, just blurted it out, and all that.
And you’re damaging yourself. And your relationship. And setting up something that may never be undone.
So don’t lie in defense. Or in reaction. Or in spite.
Think on what you want to say, then say it clearly and with the kind of love/compassion you feel for others—and that you would want them to use with you on any touchy subject.
Just a few thoughts on a Saturday morning. smiles
What are you thoughts on these or any other types of lying or reasons to lie?