When Good People Snap

I spent 22 years working with dogs as an enthusiastic amateur dog trainer. I worked in obedience, Rally, Agility, showing, rescue and rehab.

I did it for fun, and because I loved dogs.

And it made me a better human, too.

In fact, I learned a lot about humans from dogs and dog training. One thing I learned from Jean Donaldson in her book The Culture Clash, was about “The Bite Threshold.”

The idea is that even good dogs bite when pushed far enough.

And as people with dogs, it’s our responsibility to learn to see when “far enough” is coming too near.

To learn our dogs’ stress levels, and what adds to those levels, and see when it’s piling on and becoming too much.

For some dogs, their stress tolerance level is fairly low.

For others, it’s quite high.

However, add up enough stress, and dogs will hit the red zone where they are highly likely to bite. They may not. They may growl, or raise their hackles, or run and hide, or do ANYTHING except bite. Or they may not. Especially if running is not an option, or cowering is not making the stressor go away.

Continue reading “When Good People Snap”

Lies Of Omission And Lies Of Temporary Truth

In 2016, I pissed a metric fuckton of kinksters off with this writing:

Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior

While people made some good points about why I’m wrong, I still stand by what I wrote, and continue to discuss it when it’s an appropriate topic for conversation.

I also posted it in the Masterful Lover forums I’ve been a member of since 2007, and today, a new member found it, and asked the following:

To what extent does the “circle of lies” fall, which IF I understand correctly, includes not volunteering information?

Which got me going about lies and types of lies and some thoughts I’d not yet put into words.

1. OF COURSE we don’t tell everyone everything all of the time. That would be ridiculous.

I’m a very open person. The opposite of many, in that I am willing to share about 80% of my life with anyone who asks, and that left over 20% of me is incredibly private.

Most people are more wary, and the opposite. Sharing 20% of surface or superficial details, and keeping that 80% back.

In either case, though, it’s the same situation: You share whatever level you feel comfortable with whomever has earned that level of sharing by also sharing with you and by receiving your shares in a way you feel appropriate.

AND, when you don’t feel it’s right to share, simply say, “I’m not ready to share that information right now,” or, “Nunya.”

Simple.

2. As I said in Lies of Omission…, it’s a lie when omit the full truth when you know it’s pertinent to the other person, and you do it to avoid consequences.

“I won’t tell ___ because it will upset them.” “If I say ___ it will start a fight.”

And so on.

These phrases and ones like them are justifications for lying.

To go back to the quote I love so much from David Shade (paraphrased a bit):

“Don’t act out of fear, and don’t fail to act out of fear.”

THIS is a simple guide.

Do you FEAR telling this truth? Then you’re in danger of being disingenuous and lying.

Are you comfortable with your truth and just not yet ready to share with that person, because they have not proven themselves, AND you are willing to say so if they ask?

Then you are being truthful AND setting healthy boundaries.

3. Are you SURE your truth is TRUE?

This is where we often get tripped up. Sometimes we lie as much when we are attempting to tell our truths as when we cover things up.

Because we don’t THINK.

Because in the heat of the moment, we say things we don’t mean.

Because we have a knee-jerk reaction to a threat to our ego.

Think of an argument, when you say hurtful things to another.

Do you WANT to hurt them? Maybe in the moment.

But is that your TRUTH? You’re hurting. Do you really want the person you love to hurt, too?

Probably not.

Then that’s not your TRUTH.

So, you’re lying—or at least not communicating your truth.

Not intentionally, I’m sure. Heat of the moment, just blurted it out, and all that.

But effectively.

And you’re damaging yourself. And your relationship. And setting up something that may never be undone.

So don’t lie in defense. Or in reaction. Or in spite.

Think on what you want to say, then say it clearly and with the kind of love/compassion you feel for others—and that you would want them to use with you on any touchy subject.


Just a few thoughts on a Saturday morning. smiles

What are you thoughts on these or any other types of lying or reasons to lie?

The Missed Benefits Of Argument…

Two men arguing.

I feel like people have lost the art of argument.

Or maybe many just never had it at all.

It’s not about convincing others or forcing them to your will, for me. Never has been.

Sometimes, it’s about being there for those who are watching, especially online.

But for me, a lot of the time argument/discussion helps me figure out if my opinions are any good.

If I can defend my thoughts, back them up, support them, counter others’ points… then I have a clue that it’s well thought out and possibly accurate.

So many people consider any disagreement with their opinions as some sort of personal attack or offense, instead of a valuable service provided free of charge by the world to help them become better people.

I tell people all the time that I LOVE when people disagree with me, as it allows me to see new ways of thinking, believing and understanding the world (even when I think they are wrong). It makes me a better person for knowing and makes my own arguments (for myself and with others) stronger.

Just some food for thought this morning.

Do you welcome arguments as a way to grow? Or do you avoid them or take offense?