Dating Kinky, The Class

One of the most common questions I’m asked is, “Where Do I Find ______ (Fill In The Blank Amazing Kinky Person)?”

This class address that topic and others, including writing a profile, photos, starting a conversation, and more.

Dating Kinky Class Description:

In this class, we’ll cover some of the most important actions and attitudes for finding one or several lifestyle partners, from writing your profile and choosing the best photos to get your point across to making contact, common pitfalls, and some hilarious examples of ‘when personals go wrong!’

We’ll also discuss which online sites offer the best options for connecting with your kinky peeps.

This is a very interactive class, so bring your pencil or pen and some paper to write down those tips from the creator of https://www.datingkinky.com and the co-author of http://datingkinkybook.com


More about my thoughts on kinky dating:

Kinky Dating

 

Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)

A cartoon girl holding hands out in front of herself, with an angry look of rejection.

Well, if any rejection can be great.

Maybe the title should be, “Writing A Rejection That Doesn’t Sting Any More Than It Has To To Get The Point Across In  Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!),” but that’s reallllllly long, so I’mma stick with what I have.

I wrote a bit about rejection in my upcoming book, Dating Kinky.

Because, of course, rejection is a part of dating, and knowing how to both give it and take it more effectively makes dating sooooo much more pleasant.

You have a right to reject anyone for any reason.

Period.

Full stop.

Your life. Your rules. Continue reading “Writing A Great Rejection In Four Easy Steps (And Two Are Optional!)”

Kinky Dating: A New Example For The Book

A mostly dark black image with a man in red blowing a red smoke heart. Looks a bit disturbing.

Just Thursday, I was contacted by a self-identified male dominant on Collarspace for the first time. His message was short and sweet.

I replied.

His response inspired me, and I knew I had a perfect example of why, when it comes to dating kinky (or any kind of dating, really), I recommend making your profile very YOU, to disqualify those you don’t want to attract.

Continue reading “Kinky Dating: A New Example For The Book”

Thing Is… People DO Make Assumptions

A projector in a dark room with the words "It'a called projection."

Last August I wrote a piece about how saying “I don’t do drama,” pretty much guarantees that people will assume you’re a primary source for it.

And a lot of people agreed.

They may be wrong, sure.

But they will assume it. Because of experience with so many others who say the same thing, then cause as much drama as possible.

It’s one of those things that is true MOST of the time in my experience.

Not all of the time. Continue reading “Thing Is… People DO Make Assumptions”

How (And Why) To Get Rejected More Often

A cartoon beaver saying "NO!!" over and over.

Tell DreamBoopsie217 how you feel. Today. Clearly. No room for misunderstanding. From the heart.

I know it can be a terrifying prospect.

  • What if they look disgusted?
  • What if you lose your friendship?
  • What if they tell everyone?
  • What if you can’t handle it?

Do it anyway.

You CAN handle it, and you need to. Because this is only one in a long line of potential rejections coming up into your future with DreamBoopsie217, ESPECIALLY if they say they like you, too.

Huh? Continue reading “How (And Why) To Get Rejected More Often”

Do You “Test” Potential Partners? If So, How?

An image of one man peering into another man's ear.

“Your inner ear looks just fine. Excellent. So, that means you pass with flying colors. I’d officially like to ask you on a date, now.”

I have spent a lot of time in the PUA (Pick Up Artists) community. and I’ve learned a lot from them about people, and what people believe about other people—some of it accurate, some of it incredibly inaccurate, and a lot of it situational.

PUAs “test” women for specific characteristics that are indicative of enjoying casual sex. Continue reading “Do You “Test” Potential Partners? If So, How?”

For Every Woman Having Sex With A Man, There Is A Man Having Sex With A Woman

Men Only Want Sex

Therefore, “Women don’t have sex as much as men” is illogical. As is the idea that women don’t like sex as much as men.

I read on a debate I posted that the same 10% of men get all the women’s interest.

This sounds suspiciously like labeling certain men “Chads,” and saying women owe sex to men, but I digress… Continue reading “For Every Woman Having Sex With A Man, There Is A Man Having Sex With A Woman”

Polyamory Is Not The Key To Being A Better Partner (Poly Is Not, Part XIII)

Polyamory Is Not... A Series

Polyamory and dating more people does not automatically make you better at it. If so, serial monogamists would grow in each relationship, ultimately ending up at coupled nirvana…

I mean, think about it. I’m pretty sure you know someone who’s been doing something for years, and still sucks at it. Maybe your co-worker. Time spent does not equal skill.

I’ve been singing my whole life. Joyously. Loudly. And I suck. I have not gotten better, because I don’t really care to get better. I don’t study it, I don’t think about improvement, I don’t practice. I just do it.

Poly is the same.

I’ve heard people saying really misleading things about polyamory, like:

“Once you start being poly, you will learn more about yourself than you ever did in monogamous relationships.”

Continue reading “Polyamory Is Not The Key To Being A Better Partner (Poly Is Not, Part XIII)”

You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)

Talk Dirty To Me

I tend to be direct.

Very direct.

I mean what I say, when I say it.

Sure, sometimes I’m wrong, or I change my mind, but generally, you can take my words, especially about myself, at face value.

You can also believe that I took care in saying exactly what I meant.

And when I say that I don’t want to speak sexually with a total stranger on the internet, that seems, to me, like it should be clear.

Apparently, it’s not. Case in point (bold is mine):

Duuuuude (second message):

Would You be interested in chatting? 🙂

Me

If by chatting, you mean talking sexually, no. If you mean having meaningful conversation about topics of mutual interest, maybe. Continue reading “You. Must. Talk Dirty. To. Me. (Or, provide a valid reason, open to proof and defense from all sides, on the proper forms, in triplicate.)”

Anything Worth Doing Is Worth Totally Fucking Up

Anything Worth Doing

Oh, sure… I’m sure you expected that old saw, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.”

Duh.

Of course it is.

One of my mottos is:

Win, or fail spectacularly.

I’ve found, though, that few people really consider what it means to fail spectacularly.

So, I’m here to tell you. Because I’m not an expert in lots, but I’m an expert in failing spectacularly.

  • I dropped out of HS in my sophomore year.
  • I married a man who would emotionally abuse me AND become a manipulative addict, stealing much of what I’d saved right out of our shared accounts, even selling my stuff for more money.
  • I started a new business with two partners, committed everything and LOST IT ALL, everything, ended up living out of my car.
  • I am currently failing at meeting every deadline I set for myself in the development of my new project.

And I’m happy.

Because what I’m working on now is worth totally fucking up on, over and over, because when it’s right, it will be freaking fantastic. Amazing. Magical.

But before then, I’m going to lose money (mine and others’), stress out, get more grey hairs, scream out of sheer frustration, feel hopeless and useless, shame myself for not knowing everything I think I should know, make boneheaded fucking moves, gain weight because I’m not taking care of myself, hurt my neck staring at a computer for too long…

But let’s not even talk about me.

Let’s talk about kink.

Last night, in Fayetteville, I gave a BDSM Basics talk. And I talked about The Four Kinds Of Kinksters, and I mentioned the third kind of kinkster:

People who admit they don’t know all the kinky things, and let that paralyze them…

And I met a guy like this a few weeks ago.

Gorgeous.

Sexy AF.

VERY interested in kink.

Wanted to learn to be dominant.

SOOOOO enthusiastic. Always up in my messages.

Until he stumbled once. Then, it was all:

“Oh, maybe I’m not cut out for this. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not meant to be a dominant. I don’t know this stuff.”

And so now, he’s paralyzed. Not because he doesn’t want it. He does.

Because he doesn’t want to totally fuck up.

And I told him the secret, that EVERY SINGLE DOMINANT EVER Has totally fucked up. More than once. Probably more than a thousand times.

(In fact, I could make that about every single human, but this is about kink.)

The difference is that we know that being willing to fuck it all up is part of our commitment. Part of knowing it’s worth doing is knowing we’re going to look like idiots, and feel like fools, and do twatwaffle things along the way to getting better and earning trust and getting blowjobs on command.

The thing is, of course it’s worth doing well. We’d do a hell of a lot more things if we knew we’d do them well.

But what things are worth it to you to fail over and over and over again? To totally fuck up?