So I had a revelation the other day in chatting with a fella looking to delve into this thing that we do after a long absence.
We were talking about BDSM and kink theory.
I always try to get a feeling for a potential play partners points of reference, what about all of this is drawing you in? What part of it feeds you and what part of you do you want it to feed.
And I had this moment where we were talking about the importance of consent, when it struck me.
We talk about consent like it is the holy grail of kink.
And it is.
But it also isn’t.
Because there are an awful lot of consenting adults on this site that are unhappy, unfulfilled, lost, damaged or in bad relationships.
Have they consented to the play? I’m going to say here that has to be mostly a yes.
Are they getting what they bargained for? In many cases no.
Because intent, and ethical conduct, and self awareness are as important as consent.
Some “Dominants” enter into kink relationships because they like power and it feeds their ego or their sense of superiority (Or contradicts the sense of inferiority they battle), or frankly for easy sex and pretty girls and boys following they’re every command.
Some submissives /bottoms enter kink looking for a place to belong, a place of safety, a place of escape: from reality or from responsibility.
I don’t think that “most” people, on either side of the equation, are deliberately seeking to hurt or disappoint anyone.
Its easy to get caught up in play and end up in an mental or emotional mine field.
It’s easy to want a slave to humiliate and obey and forget that there is a vulnerable human being at the end of that leash. Its easy to let someone snap on the leash hoping he’ll save you or protect you and own you without realizing that those words mean totally different things to each of you.
Many people don’t examine what parts of this feed them and why.
Exactly what their words mean and what needs are being exposed.
Are you looking for a plaything? Someone to manipulate and control and toy with their emotions and self-worth? Maybe you are, and maybe that’s ok. But its not ok if you were manipulative emotionally and preyed on other vulnerabilities and needs to get said plaything to agree to your terms.
Were you truly honest about what this role means to you? What this journey means to you? What this PERSON means to you? Do they mean anything or are you just practicing your flogging with live bait?
Did you set up unrealistic expectations?
Are you truly looking to benefit your playpartner /submissive /slave /top /bottom /Master /Dom /Daddy… or are you just looking for the fastest path to scratch your itch?
There are many itches: Ego, masochism, sex, control… Are you qualified to break this person down? Are you willing and able and qualified to build them back up again if you do? Are you willing to take that time, energy and commitment?
Because consent isn’t everything. Consent is nothing without honor, integrity and self awareness.
Written and contributed by CatMaverick (FetLife Link).
Cat Maverick is a kinky, poly, leather, hedonist. Basically a libtard feminist trying to make the world a better place.