High Context Consent VS Low Context Consent

High Context Consent VS Low Context Consent

Yesterday, I met this really cool guy. He’s a scientific comedian (THAT’S A THING!!) and communications educator to scientists. He teaches super-smart, super-technical people how to communicate outside their specialties in low-context language.


A couple weeks back, I was teaching a class on communication, and the subject of low context communication and high context communication came up.

In my own life, for example, low-context communication might be speaking to someone directly about their cock or dick. With Pet, I speak of ‘my toy,’ ‘my bon bon,’ and etc. We have shared context, so he always knows what I mean, while others in our surroundings do not.


A year or so ago, I read about a study of mastery, and the steps between beginner and master, and how to be successful in each level. The study had masters in their field create how-to rules and checklists for beginners.

With these checklists, the beginners grew, became more productive, and learned more about their field more quickly.

However, they then had the masters follow their own rules and checklist, and it was a disaster. They were slowed WAY down. Their productivity was diminished by a factor of 35% or more (depending on the fields and adherence).

Continue reading “High Context Consent VS Low Context Consent”

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

I’ve been pretty clear about my position on relationship or D/s protocol, and while I go out of my way to be considerate of others’ preferences, I don’t believe I am entitled (or you are) to ANYONE following personal protocol (or any other kinds of preferences).

For me, it’s simple.

Never put responsibility for your relationship protocols on others.

That is up to those of you in the relationship to maintain.

For example, if you have a relationship policy that you BOTH approve a playmate for your partner, and someone asks your partner to play, it is up to your partner to tell the asker that they will need to also contact you if they want to play with your partner.

Not up to them to know this.

And it’s not a requirement for them to then contact you. They get to make the choice whether they follow-through or not, and whether they want to participate in your relationship protocols.

Even if they want to play.Even if they want to play.

Continue reading “Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich”

The Difference Between Posting Your Junk And Sending “Dick Pics”

The Difference Between Posting Your Junk And Sending "Dick Pics"

Yesterday, I wrote about showing off what you have, and several people on FetLife mentioned the ‘dick pic’ thing, which is a valid consideration and rife with potential for hypocrisy.

Here’s my view:

1. Posting a photo of your junk (whatever your gender) on FetLife (or another adult social site) in your photos…

Is one thing. Your profile, your consent. If you post publicly, anyone can CHOOSE to see the detail (from the thumbnail in their feed or slightly larger version, should it go K&P on FetLife) and comment as they desire.

2. Posting a photo of your junk as your avatar…

Is another level, as that not only shows in personal feeds, but also shows up next to every message you send, comment you post, and so on. It’s still very much consensual, in that this IS a kink site and it’s expected.

On the other hand, it’s a bit more invasive, pushing your junk to everyone.

People do complain about this. And that’s understandable. After all, it can be a bit disconcerting having a conversation with genitalia.

3. Sending unsolicited non-consensual dick pics via messenger, kik, text, etc…

This is the main cause of complain of these three. It’s not necessarily in an environment where random genitalia is/are expected (or considerate), and without consent/solicitation, it’s no bueno.

Because in many of these cases, there is NO CHOICE to see or not.

And it’s not just the dick.

After all, we’ve probably all seen dick. I’ve seen A LOT of dick. So much that when I used ot post on Craigslist, I would tell people not to send dick pics, because I’d already received THE WORST, and they could not compete. Highlights of that joy included:

  • Unsolicited.
  • Video.
  • Appalling music. Really terrible.
  • The cum shot is a let down. It was more of a dribble than a shoot. AND it happened at 15 seconds in, with another 1min 45 left in the video.
  • Unflattering. The model seemed to have a nice body, but that position did nothing for their physique.
  • Grotesque psychedelic overlay. Who wants to look at a moldy-colored cock?

Many are quite lovely compared to that.

But the mindset of forcing your naughties on my eyes is as unattractive as the dick pics themselves. More, even.

I explained more here on why: Your Cock Vs. My Cock.

So, when discussing “dick pic shaming” versus nasty comments on personal profile photos, perhaps these are the nuances you’re looking for.

What do you think?

Of course, I’m open to your ideas and thoughts on the differences (if any) as YOU see them.

Let’s Talk About “Showing It Off”

Show Off!

A conversation I had about people who “show it off” online and how some people think about it.

“But heres what i dont get ( and im not talking about you ) why would a woman post pics of her tits and ass and more on a sexual fetishes site and then complain about a guy writing her to chat about similar sexual interests, or for sex? It just doesnt make much sense does it?”

Yes, it actually does.

I might enjoy people looking at my body and STILL not want that to be the only thing they can focus on, or even the primary thing.

It’s a perfectly sensible thing.

Here’s an idea, ALWAYS approach people as HUMAN first. If you connect, you’ll get to all the rest: objectification, degradation, power exchange, sex…

If you don’t connect, it won’t matter anyway.

“Im not the type to flaunt money but if i posted pics of my watch and cars id expect a certain type of woman to write me , and id expect to scare of the better quality woman because those were the photos i shared first.”

That’s victim blaming and it’s disgusting.

Why not blame the people who are not being considerate and polite, simply because of some photos online?

Does anyone have to be a jerk to me just because you’ve seen my breast?

(HINT) The answer is:

No.

Never.

“Well what do they expect, if they show it off like that?”

Why would anyone think that it’s OK for anyone to be rude to another human being or focus only on their sexuality or money or ugliness or fatness or whatever, just because THEY think they show it off too much?

Do you see how gross that is?

What do these people expect? They expect that other people will treat them like people—as a bare minimum.

I require that and more.

What do you think?

  • Do you think it’s OK to judge people negatively by their photos and treat them poorly as a result?
  • What reason is there, if any, to not just stay silent when you see something that you don’t like?
  • In your experience, have you gotten good results from treating strangers as less-than-human?
  • Is treating people with consideration and respect so much more difficult that any excuse is worth using to avoid it?
  • How do you feel about posting photos “showing off” what you have?

Image by 2196557 on Pixabay

I Am Thankful For Consent Education

Teen Consent

I am thankful that our teens and young adults grew up with a different education on consent and what it means than I did.

I am thankful that they have watched Consent & Tea.

I am thankful that the understanding of how to get consent is ingrained into so many more of them than in my generation.

I am thankful that these are the people who will be making policy and law on this issue soon.

I am thankful for all of this.

And I am hopeful that this will mean fewer consent violations in the future, and that those will be taken more seriously and handled more compassionately.


My reference and inspiration: What Teens Think of the Kavanaugh Accusations

I Don’t _______ (With You).

Not With You

I have a list of things I don’t do. And I pull them out and use them when appropriate.

I don’t go offsite with people until I’ve met and connected with them.

I don’t have casual sex.

I don’t play outside of my relationships.

I don”t eat in chain restaurants.

And so on.

And these things are true. Well, mostly true. Like 99% true.

I’ve done them.

I do them.

It’s rare, though. And it takes the perfect situation or combination of factors to make them happen.

And if I say these things or something like it to you, it’s not gonna happen.

You pushed too hard, you gave a weird vibe. I’m not interested in being flexible, or doing that kink.

Because I don’t ____. Or, at least I don’t with you.

A Different Definition Of Consent: To Feel Together

Consent: To Feel Together

I actually had this topic on my calendar for Tuesday, and today’s topic was a follow-up on a consent writing I did back in November of last year: Why Do We Think Consent Isn’t Sexy?

And this didn’t get written, because reasons, and today’s topic I’m not QUITE ready for. Not so un-ready that I’m pushing it off until February (yet), but not yet ready to write.

And besides, I think today’s topic is better to write first.

I have a daily ritual of spending at least 15 minutes every day reading something to make me think. To help me grow as a person, in my business, whatever. I often try to read things WAY outside of my normal topics, so I can bring ideas and inspiration back.

Some time ago, I was doing just that, and I came across an awesome concept.

The etymology (did you catch yesterday that I’ve been a word geek from WAYYY back?) of consent includes consentire.

Consentire, in Latin, means “to feel together.”

I quite like that.

Because it suggests that we should view consent not as the simple acquisition of “yes,” but as a building of experiences with ALL parties in mind.

If consent is simply about getting a “yes,” or agreement to forge ahead, we have to constantly keep an eye on power imbalances and what those can mean to implied or coerced consent.

Feeling together, however, means creating an experience, which requires attention, mirroring, and empathy towards the other/others sharing that experience.

While I still love checking in for consent as I go, as mentioned in my previous writing), I know that as my relationships deepen, I “feel together” far more often, and with great joy.

And I’m guessing that many who report NOT getting constant consent and yet having happy healthy relationships also do, too.

Which is beautiful.

Consent: Ask For It!

Ask For Consent

This weekend, in the Triangle, PUSH is going on. It’s a kinky hotel takeover filled with amazing, hot, sexy people. And anything like that is a perfect reason to discuss consent.

To be clear: I have NOT heard of any consent violations at PUSH. I just wanted to plug them and use a large gathering of kinky peeps as an example. Other examples include the many cons coming up, now that Fall is racing towards us, some of which I’ll be attending as an instructor. YAY!

But back to consent.

It’s common at such amazing events for people to reach out and touch, without getting consent first. Continue reading “Consent: Ask For It!”

Again, For The People In The Back: Dominants/Tops Consent Too!

The dominant must consent, too.

It seems pretty obvious to me, both parties consent, right?

And yet, there is this prevailing mindset that all a submissive or bottom has to do is show up and offer their kink, and they “get play.”

Like this conversation I had:

I don’t know if I need to kneel around you. An ass in the air may give you the wrong idea. Haha.

Not without consent. Ever.

Oh I know. Sorry to make a bad joke.
You know I’d probably consent easily too. 🤣

Maybe. But my consent would matter, too. Continue reading “Again, For The People In The Back: Dominants/Tops Consent Too!”

Consent: What Is Legal? What Is Right?

Consent: Legal, Illegal / Ethical, Unethical

CW: Non-consent, etc.

I got a message a while back that I thought could make a fascinating post:

There is a gap between behavior that is unkind and behavior that is unallowable (ie, illegal.) My question, is which camp does consent fall into? I have always had the understanding that saying your consent was violated was pretty much equivalent to saying you were raped. However, I see people use the term consent violation to describe behavior that doesn’t require getting consent. Initially I just assumed they were wrong, but I see it enough that I think perhaps I am wrong.

Continue reading “Consent: What Is Legal? What Is Right?”