Dating Kinky
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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Well, fuck. I’m so sorry.

Because it sucks.

So, first, be kind to yourself. It happens to all of us.

Next, talk it out with a trusted friend. Someone that you know will be on your side, and who will keep a level head.

Between the two of you, determine your next step. There are a lot of options from small things to taking legal action.

ONLY YOU can decide what’s right for your situation. And a calm friend to help you work through things will be a huge boon, here.

Some options:

Bring in another trusted friend. Sometimes, two people don’t feel like they’re enough to make an important decision. It’s OK to talk to others. Just make sure you feel like you can trust them to have YOUR best interests in mind. Some people are always on the lookout for the next rumor or drama, and that doesn’t help in making the right choices in an emotional situation.

Talk to an authority. Take your concerns to a community leader. Hopefully someone you not only feel you can trust, but who you believe can be impartial. They often have experience handling situations like this, and could maybe help you get clarity. They also might have a network of people who can help out, give advice and so on. They could also act as intermediaries in the situation.

Journal about it. Sometimes, writing things out will help organize your thoughts coherently. It also allows you to add detail over time, as you remember, if things seem a bit fuzzy or out of order.

Approach the person who broke your consent. This can be a difficult choice to make. After all, having your consent broken can feel like a violation, and leave a lot of mixed feelings, including fear. Sometimes, this is the right choice to make. Sometimes, it might be better to go through an intermediary.

File a police report. Let me be very clear: This is a personal decision. Going to the police and sharing full details can be a terrifying experience. It can also be empowering and uplifting. It’s hard to say which it will be for you. Some people ONLY believe a claim if it has been reported and officially filed.

Talk to legal counsel. Sometimes, talking to a lawyer could help you make the right decisions for you.

Get therapy. There are debates on the efficacy of therapy, but if you feel like it might help you to find a support group or to go to a therapist, do it. Sometimes, just talking with people who have been through something similar, or who can understand and offer advice is a big help.

Forgive. Again, this is a personal choice. Sometimes, the only thing we feel we have control over is our reaction to and processing of a violation. And so, our only choice is to forgive or not. Some feel like forgiving is not for the one that hurt us, but for us, to heal the harm, and to move forward.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best with it.

I ask again that you be kind to yourself, and gentle. That you decide the best way for you to heal for yourself, and that it brings you a measure of peace.

Excerpted from So, What Is Kinky, Anyway?, Feb 2020

Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


I wasn’t going to write today, but I’m just replying to a conversation, and I thought that sharing this experience with you might help some people understand how they come across, even when they (as this person) probably don’t mean to, and would be horrified to know, if they found out.

Well, here you go.

You’re finding out.

In their first message to me (name redacted and grammar cleaned up, otherwise I’ll directly quote) from someone over 1,000 miles from me:

I am _ and was wondering if your sexy and beautiful feet are ticklish?

Nope. Not at all. smiles

Ok. Wish you were ticklish!

Well, as a dominant, I doubt I would be interested in being tickled, in any case.

I see, but you could let yourself be a submissive just once.

Let me ask you, dear reader…

Is it clear to all of you how creepy that comes across and why?

This person doesn’t know me, and yet, they are suggesting I change who I am “just once” to satisfy THEIR fetish.

As if I only exist to fulfill their whims.

Now, as I said above, I would guess that they don’t really mean it that way. I also beleive that that’s how people would take that more often than not, even when they can’t put their finger on exactly why it icked them out.

So, I wished them the best of luck in their search, and told them that I hoped they found someone for them who was not only not across the country from them, but who actually shares their fetish, instead of being talked into it, “just once.”

So I had a revelation the other day in chatting with a fella looking to delve into this thing that we do after a long absence.

We were talking about BDSM and kink theory.

I always try to get a feeling for a potential play partners points of reference, what about all of this is drawing you in? What part of it feeds you and what part of you do you want it to feed.

And I had this moment where we were talking about the importance of consent, when it struck me.

We talk about consent like it is the holy grail of kink.

And it is.
But it also isn’t.

Because there are an awful lot of consenting adults on this site that are unhappy, unfulfilled, lost, damaged or in bad relationships.

Have they consented to the play? I’m going to say here that has to be mostly a yes.

Are they getting what they bargained for? In many cases no.

Because intent, and ethical conduct, and self awareness are as important as consent.

Some “Dominants” enter into kink relationships because they like power and it feeds their ego or their sense of superiority (Or contradicts the sense of inferiority they battle), or frankly for easy sex and pretty girls and boys following they’re every command.

Some submissives /bottoms enter kink looking for a place to belong, a place of safety, a place of escape: from reality or from responsibility.

I don’t think that “most” people, on either side of the equation, are deliberately seeking to hurt or disappoint anyone.

Its easy to get caught up in play and end up in an mental or emotional mine field.

It’s easy to want a slave to humiliate and obey and forget that there is a vulnerable human being at the end of that leash. Its easy to let someone snap on the leash hoping he’ll save you or protect you and own you without realizing that those words mean totally different things to each of you.

Many people don’t examine what parts of this feed them and why.

Exactly what their words mean and what needs are being exposed.

Are you looking for a plaything? Someone to manipulate and control and toy with their emotions and self-worth? Maybe you are, and maybe that’s ok. But its not ok if you were manipulative emotionally and preyed on other vulnerabilities and needs to get said plaything to agree to your terms.

Were you truly honest about what this role means to you? What this journey means to you? What this PERSON means to you? Do they mean anything or are you just practicing your flogging with live bait?

Did you set up unrealistic expectations?

Are you truly looking to benefit your playpartner /submissive /slave /top /bottom /Master /Dom /Daddy… or are you just looking for the fastest path to scratch your itch?

There are many itches: Ego, masochism, sex, control… Are you qualified to break this person down? Are you willing and able and qualified to build them back up again if you do? Are you willing to take that time, energy and commitment?

Because consent isn’t everything. Consent is nothing without honor, integrity and self awareness.


Written and contributed by CatMaverick (FetLife Link).
Cat Maverick is a kinky, poly, leather, hedonist. Basically a libtard feminist trying to make the world a better place.

Yesterday, I met this really cool guy. He’s a scientific comedian (THAT’S A THING!!) and communications educator to scientists. He teaches super-smart, super-technical people how to communicate outside their specialties in low-context language.


A couple weeks back, I was teaching a class on communication, and the subject of low context communication and high context communication came up.

In my own life, for example, low-context communication might be speaking to someone directly about their cock or dick. With Pet, I speak of ‘my toy,’ ‘my bon bon,’ and etc. We have shared context, so he always knows what I mean, while others in our surroundings do not.


A year or so ago, I read about a study of mastery, and the steps between beginner and master, and how to be successful in each level. The study had masters in their field create how-to rules and checklists for beginners.

With these checklists, the beginners grew, became more productive, and learned more about their field more quickly.

However, they then had the masters follow their own rules and checklist, and it was a disaster. They were slowed WAY down. Their productivity was diminished by a factor of 35% or more (depending on the fields and adherence).

Read More