I Am Thankful For Consent Education

Teen Consent

I am thankful that our teens and young adults grew up with a different education on consent and what it means than I did.

I am thankful that they have watched Consent & Tea.

I am thankful that the understanding of how to get consent is ingrained into so many more of them than in my generation.

I am thankful that these are the people who will be making policy and law on this issue soon.

I am thankful for all of this.

And I am hopeful that this will mean fewer consent violations in the future, and that those will be taken more seriously and handled more compassionately.


My reference and inspiration: What Teens Think of the Kavanaugh Accusations

I Don’t _______ (With You).

Not With You

I have a list of things I don’t do. And I pull them out and use them when appropriate.

I don’t go offsite with people until I’ve met and connected with them.

I don’t have casual sex.

I don’t play outside of my relationships.

I don”t eat in chain restaurants.

And so on.

And these things are true. Well, mostly true. Like 99% true.

I’ve done them.

I do them.

It’s rare, though. And it takes the perfect situation or combination of factors to make them happen.

And if I say these things or something like it to you, it’s not gonna happen.

You pushed too hard, you gave a weird vibe. I’m not interested in being flexible, or doing that kink.

Because I don’t ____. Or, at least I don’t with you.

A Different Definition Of Consent: To Feel Together

Consent: To Feel Together

I actually had this topic on my calendar for Tuesday, and today’s topic was a follow-up on a consent writing I did back in November of last year: Why Do We Think Consent Isn’t Sexy?

And this didn’t get written, because reasons, and today’s topic I’m not QUITE ready for. Not so un-ready that I’m pushing it off until February (yet), but not yet ready to write.

And besides, I think today’s topic is better to write first.

I have a daily ritual of spending at least 15 minutes every day reading something to make me think. To help me grow as a person, in my business, whatever. I often try to read things WAY outside of my normal topics, so I can bring ideas and inspiration back.

Some time ago, I was doing just that, and I came across an awesome concept.

The etymology (did you catch yesterday that I’ve been a word geek from WAYYY back?) of consent includes consentire.

Consentire, in Latin, means “to feel together.”

I quite like that.

Because it suggests that we should view consent not as the simple acquisition of “yes,” but as a building of experiences with ALL parties in mind.

If consent is simply about getting a “yes,” or agreement to forge ahead, we have to constantly keep an eye on power imbalances and what those can mean to implied or coerced consent.

Feeling together, however, means creating an experience, which requires attention, mirroring, and empathy towards the other/others sharing that experience.

While I still love checking in for consent as I go, as mentioned in my previous writing), I know that as my relationships deepen, I “feel together” far more often, and with great joy.

And I’m guessing that many who report NOT getting constant consent and yet having happy healthy relationships also do, too.

Which is beautiful.

Consent: Ask For It!

Ask For Consent

This weekend, in the Triangle, PUSH is going on. It’s a kinky hotel takeover filled with amazing, hot, sexy people. And anything like that is a perfect reason to discuss consent.

To be clear: I have NOT heard of any consent violations at PUSH. I just wanted to plug them and use a large gathering of kinky peeps as an example. Other examples include the many cons coming up, now that Fall is racing towards us, some of which I’ll be attending as an instructor. YAY!

But back to consent.

It’s common at such amazing events for people to reach out and touch, without getting consent first. Continue reading “Consent: Ask For It!”

Again, For The People In The Back: Dominants/Tops Consent Too!

The dominant must consent, too.

It seems pretty obvious to me, both parties consent, right?

And yet, there is this prevailing mindset that all a submissive or bottom has to do is show up and offer their kink, and they “get play.”

Like this conversation I had:

I don’t know if I need to kneel around you. An ass in the air may give you the wrong idea. Haha.

Not without consent. Ever.

Oh I know. Sorry to make a bad joke.
You know I’d probably consent easily too. 🤣

Maybe. But my consent would matter, too. Continue reading “Again, For The People In The Back: Dominants/Tops Consent Too!”

Consent: What Is Legal? What Is Right?

Consent: Legal, Illegal / Ethical, Unethical

CW: Non-consent, etc.

I got a message a while back that I thought could make a fascinating post:

There is a gap between behavior that is unkind and behavior that is unallowable (ie, illegal.) My question, is which camp does consent fall into? I have always had the understanding that saying your consent was violated was pretty much equivalent to saying you were raped. However, I see people use the term consent violation to describe behavior that doesn’t require getting consent. Initially I just assumed they were wrong, but I see it enough that I think perhaps I am wrong.

Continue reading “Consent: What Is Legal? What Is Right?”

Beyond Non-Consent…

A man in a black suit, white shirt and yellow tie looking comically surprised at what look to be a woman's hands wrapped around him groping him from behind.

I see a lot of complaints about how society has made it a crime to “even smile at a woman,” and the like.

Usually from men, but not always.

Usually whining, but not always.

And I wonder how this is so difficult to understand.

Then, I realize that it’s not so much the initial act that’s a problem. A touch without consent is really not such a big deal. A smile or a wink without consent is easy to deal with. A question asking for consent is simple…

But that is rarely where it ends.

Continue reading “Beyond Non-Consent…”

“Responsible? Consent? Safe? How Boring!”

How Boring

So, I was having a conversation.

In fact, I’ve had hundreds of similar conversations. But I was having this one conversation about hypnosis with a submissive who has fantasies of consensual-nonconsent with hypnotic commands.

They asked if I’d hypnotize and seduce them without them realizing.

I replied that I currently prefer more overt and consensual hypnotism scenes and methods.

They said that it’s still consensual. They consent.

I replied that consent to me requires 3 things:

1. Enthusiasm (They have this!)
2. Understanding (They have NO idea what I can do with hypnotism and behavior modification.)
3. Competence (missing #2, and being hypnotized rules out #3).

They said well, let’s just discuss what you would do to me.

I replied that I don’t engage in that kind of fantasy.

That the human mind is an amazing, unique thing of beauty, and I prefer to get to know people well before playing in their heads, so that not only can I make the most out of what I do, but that that I am doing what’s best for my bottoms/submissives.

That I am not a one-size-fits-all dominant or person.

They said, “All sounds very safe and responsible…”

And they didn’t respond again.

As I said, this is not the first conversation I’ve had like this.

With people who think that consent is not sexy. Safety is boring. Being responsible steals the fun.

I find that so odd.

I see no desirable power in making someone do what they don’t want to do.

I see A LOT of sexy, desirable power in my partners consciously wanting all the crazy perverted, depraved things I can do to them…

…and one of the main keys here is ME, all of me, who I am, my mind, my wickedness…

…enough to consciously crave them, communicate them, beg for them, and work with me to get them.

Responsible? Consent? Safe? How fucking sexy! Yes, please.

Mistakes Were Made: The Drama Unfurls

The Drama Unfurls

Those in the know, know. Those who are not can still benefit from this writing, if they choose.

The Background

Someone local hurt three other local someones. Badly. Non-consent, lying, stealthing.

The details that have gotten around vary on degrees and details. Very few people excused the accused, some defended them based on relative harm and extenuating circumstances. It is generally accepted wrong was done.

The accused was asked to stay away from a local event for a time, because the accusers attended that event regularly, and they deserve a safe space.

The Event

The accused was invited by parties unaware of the details to a special occasion held at the local event.

The accused went, along with some close friends working to help them learn better.

It caused an uproar, as one of the accusers was there, and was shocked and hurt and upset. The organizer was completely disregarded, and the community is taking sides, boiling pitch, and sharpening pitchforks.

How Could This Have Been Avoided?

I’ve discussed this and talked it over with quite a few people. Here are my thoughts:

  • The accused could have said to the uninvolved parties, “I prefer not to attend that event, because reasons, and I’ll be happy to get together with you privately to celebrate.”
  • The accused could have publicly RSVP’d.
  • The accused could have contacted the event organizer, and could have been told, “No, you are not yet welcome.”
  • The accused could have contacted the event organizer, and could have been told, “Yes. Let me contact your accusers and tell them that for this event only, you will be attending for a special occasion, and they can choose to attend or not, as they choose, with foreknowledge.”
  • The accused could have contacted their accusers, and explained, and organized directly (not my favorite idea, but better than nothing).

So, there were a number of things that could have reduced or avoided drama AND put everyone on the side of good ethical practices.

Now, I’m not saying that anyone is the monster here. It is a big shit storm that has caused drama, hurt and lots of frustration.

Perhaps this can help another situation from blowing up in the future.

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

The words "little white lies" in white overlaying a mushroom cloud.

I suggest this:

“Little white lies” are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let’s take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

You answer “They look awesome on you,” even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans. Continue reading “Lies, Damned Lies And Consent”