Beyond Non-Consent…

A man in a black suit, white shirt and yellow tie looking comically surprised at what look to be a woman's hands wrapped around him groping him from behind.

I see a lot of complaints about how society has made it a crime to “even smile at a woman,” and the like.

Usually from men, but not always.

Usually whining, but not always.

And I wonder how this is so difficult to understand.

Then, I realize that it’s not so much the initial act that’s a problem. A touch without consent is really not such a big deal. A smile or a wink without consent is easy to deal with. A question asking for consent is simple…

But that is rarely where it ends.

Continue reading “Beyond Non-Consent…”

“Responsible? Consent? Safe? How Boring!”

How Boring

So, I was having a conversation.

In fact, I’ve had hundreds of similar conversations. But I was having this one conversation about hypnosis with a submissive who has fantasies of consensual-nonconsent with hypnotic commands.

They asked if I’d hypnotize and seduce them without them realizing.

I replied that I currently prefer more overt and consensual hypnotism scenes and methods.

They said that it’s still consensual. They consent.

I replied that consent to me requires 3 things:

1. Enthusiasm (They have this!)
2. Understanding (They have NO idea what I can do with hypnotism and behavior modification.)
3. Competence (missing #2, and being hypnotized rules out #3).

They said well, let’s just discuss what you would do to me.

I replied that I don’t engage in that kind of fantasy.

That the human mind is an amazing, unique thing of beauty, and I prefer to get to know people well before playing in their heads, so that not only can I make the most out of what I do, but that that I am doing what’s best for my bottoms/submissives.

That I am not a one-size-fits-all dominant or person.

They said, “All sounds very safe and responsible…”

And they didn’t respond again.

As I said, this is not the first conversation I’ve had like this.

With people who think that consent is not sexy. Safety is boring. Being responsible steals the fun.

I find that so odd.

I see no desirable power in making someone do what they don’t want to do.

I see A LOT of sexy, desirable power in my partners consciously wanting all the crazy perverted, depraved things I can do to them…

…and one of the main keys here is ME, all of me, who I am, my mind, my wickedness…

…enough to consciously crave them, communicate them, beg for them, and work with me to get them.

Responsible? Consent? Safe? How fucking sexy! Yes, please.

Mistakes Were Made: The Drama Unfurls

The Drama Unfurls

Those in the know, know. Those who are not can still benefit from this writing, if they choose.

The Background

Someone local hurt three other local someones. Badly. Non-consent, lying, stealthing.

The details that have gotten around vary on degrees and details. Very few people excused the accused, some defended them based on relative harm and extenuating circumstances. It is generally accepted wrong was done.

The accused was asked to stay away from a local event for a time, because the accusers attended that event regularly, and they deserve a safe space.

The Event

The accused was invited by parties unaware of the details to a special occasion held at the local event.

The accused went, along with some close friends working to help them learn better.

It caused an uproar, as one of the accusers was there, and was shocked and hurt and upset. The organizer was completely disregarded, and the community is taking sides, boiling pitch, and sharpening pitchforks.

How Could This Have Been Avoided?

I’ve discussed this and talked it over with quite a few people. Here are my thoughts:

  • The accused could have said to the uninvolved parties, “I prefer not to attend that event, because reasons, and I’ll be happy to get together with you privately to celebrate.”
  • The accused could have publicly RSVP’d.
  • The accused could have contacted the event organizer, and could have been told, “No, you are not yet welcome.”
  • The accused could have contacted the event organizer, and could have been told, “Yes. Let me contact your accusers and tell them that for this event only, you will be attending for a special occasion, and they can choose to attend or not, as they choose, with foreknowledge.”
  • The accused could have contacted their accusers, and explained, and organized directly (not my favorite idea, but better than nothing).

So, there were a number of things that could have reduced or avoided drama AND put everyone on the side of good ethical practices.

Now, I’m not saying that anyone is the monster here. It is a big shit storm that has caused drama, hurt and lots of frustration.

Perhaps this can help another situation from blowing up in the future.

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

The words "little white lies" in white overlaying a mushroom cloud.

I suggest this:

“Little white lies” are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let’s take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

You answer “They look awesome on you,” even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans. Continue reading “Lies, Damned Lies And Consent”

Why Do We Think Consent Isn’t Sexy?

Consent Is Sexy

I was at an event a couple of weekends ago, and I asked a question in a discussion:

“What can we do to make consent more sexy?”

I followed that up by saying that If we find ways to make our lives more full of consent, that making it sexy and fun and natural is a no-brainer to me, and that it will only benefit us as individuals and as a community.

The conversation got contentious.

People arguing, saying they thought consent shouldn’t be sexy or fun. It should be a chore, and difficult and serious, because… consent.

Which seems counter-intuitive to me.

How do we convince people to develop consent-infused lives if it’s presented as a chore that must be suffered through?

The other thing that perplexed me was that so many people were focusing their consent talking points on public scenes with strangers, or non-lovers/partners.

Like the MAJOR time that we need to think about consent is in public spaces with strangers.

Ummm. No.

In fact, according to a survey NSCF did in 2014, only 36% of consent violations were in a public space. Less than half of those were with non-lovers/partners. And only some of those (the poll is not clear on overlapping or specific numbers) were within a scene, as opposed to other kinds of consent violations.

So, a fraction of 20% were public play scenes with people who were not partners.

Seems to me all this talk of public negotiations and consent, while good, is overshadowing the larger issue of consent in our daily lives and interactions.

As if consent is something we do with strangers, but we can stop all that horrible effort when it comes to those we are close to, or in the privacy of our home.

But WHY would we want to stop?

  • Because it’s not sexy.
  • It ruins the mood.
  • It takes us out of our headspace.
  • It changes the dynamic.

Thing is, I’ve not found any of those things to be true.

Consent is sexy to me.

When I make him ask, explicitly, for what he wants, to beg for it, even, that is super sexy, and infuses the mood with my power over him and his desire for me. It makes his submission that much more intense for him, and my dominance feels so much stronger in those times. It reinforces our chosen dynamic.

Of course, not everyone kinks the way I do. I don’t even always kink the way I do, because I kink differently with different people.

Sometimes it’s as simple as, “Do you like when I do this? Would you like more? What if I move lower? May I touch you here?” said in a soft voice with smoldering eyes (or at least that’s how I imagine myself in my head, and no one has ever laughed outright, so I’m going with it).

I think consent is incredibly sexy. A turn-on. A must-have. It’s not a chore, or a hardship, it doesn’t get in the way. It is the foundation of a loving relationship or interaction.

So, why do we, as a society, think consent is not sexy?

What am I missing?

I HATE Radishes, And No, I Won’t Have Sex With One.

Radishes

Ummm. I meant EAT one. No sex with radishes, either (Not even a daikon, not even a sexy daikon, not even a daikon carved into a dildo), but that’s kind of not the point I was making. Anyway…

I don’t care if they are good for me.

I don’t care if it’s close-minded of me.

I don’t care if they are Brassicaceae, and I usually love Brassicaceae.

I hate radishes. They’re gross. I won’t eat them. I will allow a small smear of wasabi on my sushi, but too much, and it’s going back. Just, well, ewww.

And, radishes are a goitrogenic food. Those with or at risk of thyroid conditions should be careful with them. While I don’t currently have a thyroid condition (that I have been diagnosed with, at any case), my mother did, and that’s good enough for me to swear off radishes for good.

Also, as my roommate reminds me, every single person who ate a radish in 1827 is now dead. What more evidence do you need?

Maybe it’s an over-reaction, but it’s my over-reaction, and unless you are making dinner for me, it doesn’t affect you in any way, right?

“Well, I guess I’ve been making salads wrong for 57 years. I always include radishes.”

Well, it’s entirely possible you DO make salads wrong, but I’m not saying that. I’m simply saying I don’t eat radishes and I don’t like them. You’re welcome to include them in every salad you make.

Except Niçiose. A proper Niçoise just doesn’t include radishes. I will judge you.

“This sounds great. Really, it sounds like a utopia of non-radish living. It’s just a shame that it’s completely unrealistic to live life without ever biting into a radish.”

Well, maybe for you. I totes dig your point-of-view. It’s not mine, though.

I am pretty damn careful when it looks like I might be nearing a radish. They may look harmless, but so do bunnies, until you see this coming at you.

“I enjoyed your writing and agree with most of what you say. However, I believe that there are recipes that require radishes. Prime beef, for example, just can’t be eaten without horseradish. It is what makes us a civilized people; radishes are just sometimes necessary.”

Um, gosh. No. I don’t eat Prime Rib with horseradish (and I make a MEAN prime rib in my sous vide), and if a recipe has radish as a core ingredient, I simply pass it by.

Life is too short for the misery of radish-eating.

“This is a mess. We all have have to eat things we don’t want to sometimes. Negotiating, standing your ground, giving in, etc. …that’s a reality in every meal and it’s just not polite to refuse to eat something your host has prepared for you. ….if you think you won’t ever eat a radish, spend time without eating at all. …you’ll be grateful to be a radish eater.”

Maybe if I were starving, sure. I’m not suggesting that I would not eat a radish to save my life.

But that’s not how hard limits work, right? I mean hard limits are not justified by whether or not they would save our lives, but by our preferences.

And I’m not being rude. I’m stating my radish limits right here, in public. If someone chooses to make me dinner, and I pick out the radishes and our friendship is compromised, well, it wasn’t much of a friendship, was it?

In fact, now that I think of it, it’s probably my irrational dislike of radishes that kept me from that diplomatic position back in ’92…

“Gotta say, this is borderline ridiculous. Radishes are awesome, and everywhere. You just can’t avoid them.”

I’m doing a damn good job, and I’m a happier person for it.

“I’ll eat small slivers of radishes, but not large chunks. I think any person would, if they really cared at all about food and those who eat it.”

No small slivers, no huge chunks, no puree, no soups, no garnishes, no roasted, broiled or mashed radishes, not with cheese, just no.

“It surprises me to see you say this. Tell me.. When you enter into a dining experience, does your partners choice matter? I mean, if you force them to eat all your radishes, or to eat none of theirs, well, that’s non-consensual.”

LeSigh

Look, to be clear, I live in a world where radishes are an evil that should be eradicated, or at least totally avoided.

If you don’t, I’m cool with that. You don’t have to. You don’t even have to for me to like you or be friends with you.

Just understand I won’t eat a radish.

Or have sex with one.

Your Consent Doesn’t Matter As Much As My Consent

My Consent Versus Your Consent

At lease to me, it doesn’t.

And if that makes me an asshole, well, then, so be it.

Yes, I need your consent to interact with you. Of course I do.

In fact, consent to me needs three things:

1. Enthusiasm.
2. The ability to intellectually understand what you are consenting to.
3. 100% sobriety when consenting.

THAT is what your consent means to me.

And yet, your consent is not as important to me as my consent. And it NEVER will be. Continue reading “Your Consent Doesn’t Matter As Much As My Consent”

The Needs Hierarchy

BDSM Hierarchy of Needs

So, in PE (Power Exchange) relationships, we all have needs. Knowing what those are and understanding how to get those met is critical.

I’ve read a lot about how dominants should put their subs’ needs first. I think this is backwards and wrong, and I’ll explain why.

First, here is how I believe dominants need to prioritize needs in their relationship:

1. Dominant’s Needs
2. Submissive’s Needs
3. Dominant’s Wants
4. Submissive’s Wants

Let’s look at this. Continue reading “The Needs Hierarchy”

I Violated Rules Of Consent, And I Liked It

I Violated Consent

Let me state for the record: I love consent.

So much so that I don’t do “forced.” Ever. It’s just WAY too hot for me for a partner to fully own their desires, at least to me.

To have my sub say, “I want this seriously freaky thing, even though I feel like I shouldn’t,” to me, is a HUGE turn on. To be trusted. To be given that power…

Fuck.

So awesome. Continue reading “I Violated Rules Of Consent, And I Liked It”