A Bit Of Public-Not-So-Public Humiliation

Public Humiliation

I was out Thursday night with friends at a new rolled ice cream place that encourages patrons to create post-it notes for the wall, and make their mark.

I added my own, and took photos, to show Pet I was thinking of my sweet little bonbon.

Bonbon is the affectionate nickname I’ve given his “tiny” penis.

(Note, his penis isn’t really tiny—just over average—but it is a grower, not a shower, and is humorously non-threatening when soft.

My sweet treat.

So, I created my “art,” posted it, and sent him the photos for fun.

An none were the wiser (except my friends, who know).

But it’s there.

In public.

For all to see, if they only knew.

And that’s how I like to do public humiliation.

It doesn’t violate consent.

It’s fun and creative.

And it makes me smile.

Do you practice any public-not-so-public humiliation?

Do you find ways to practice your D/s or kink in ways that others won’t notice, so you can enjoy yourselves wherever you are?

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich

I’ve been pretty clear about my position on relationship or D/s protocol, and while I go out of my way to be considerate of others’ preferences, I don’t believe I am entitled (or you are) to ANYONE following personal protocol (or any other kinds of preferences).

For me, it’s simple.

Never put responsibility for your relationship protocols on others.

That is up to those of you in the relationship to maintain.

For example, if you have a relationship policy that you BOTH approve a playmate for your partner, and someone asks your partner to play, it is up to your partner to tell the asker that they will need to also contact you if they want to play with your partner.

Not up to them to know this.

And it’s not a requirement for them to then contact you. They get to make the choice whether they follow-through or not, and whether they want to participate in your relationship protocols.

Even if they want to play.Even if they want to play.

Continue reading “Relationship Protocol As A PB&J Sammich”

She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty

She Needs to Know That You're CAPABLE of Cruelty

Guest Post by _Vidar_ (FetLife link)

“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.”
Niccolo Machiavelli

That doesn’t sound like a relationship I’d like to be in, either as the giver or reciever of fear, but there’s a kernel of applicable wisdom in there.

Awhile back (I wouldn’t recommend this) my first scenes with a few women were very severe and in every case, we developed interesting relationships that had legs. That was probably part luck, but there was more to it than that. From the outset, my willingness to be brutal was never in question

Continue reading “She Needs to Know That You’re CAPABLE of Cruelty”

Oh, I See. It’s For MY Protection.

Oh, I See. It's For MY Protection.

After some random dude sent me a clear list in his second message to me of the types of lovers I’d be expected to take as his cuckoldress:

  • Young
  • Fit
  • Large/Well-endowed
  • Dedicated
  • Black
  • And etc.

I replied:

I do not subscribe to any relationship where someone gets to tell me what kind of lovers to take.

Nor, would I tell them what kind of lovers to take or not, unless we negotiated those restrictions together, for mutual pleasure.

Best of luck in everything.

Now, I know not everyone believe in 100% personal autonomy in relationships, ESPECIALLY in D/s relationships.

I get that.

I do me just fine, and if you doing you gets in the way of me doing me, we just won’t do together.

No hard feelings.

No denigration (from me).

Just no “doing.”

So, I do my best to be clear and honest, without sounding ‘poly-er-than-thou’ or TEH UBER CUCKOLDRESS (if that’s their line), and simply decline.

Well, this one thought I was calling him “oppressive and a controlling partner,” and felt a need to explain himself.

Along with stating he wanted control over who I might sleep with in this fictional relationship he contacted me about starting up, which I had already declined (quite politely, I think) he went on to say that he screens and carefully selects, has preferences as to physical type, age and race, and dropped this bomb:

“It’s protecting my woman is what I call it. I value safety, privacy and good heath.”

Oh, well that makes all the difference, doesn’t it?

It’s not about what he wants, really. Or about his insecurities. Or about cuckolding being woman-driven.

It’s about protecting HIS WOMAN.

Which I am not, and yet, he felt a need to tell me all of his requirements in detail. Much like you might search for a set of speakers on Amazon to fit a specific niche in your home.

Sure, I get that if it’s not a fit, it’s faster to do that and just move on. I PREACH this shit. Daily.

But don’t pretend it’s about protecting me.

It’s your kink. Cool.

It’s not protection.

I’m 45 years old. I’ve made more in all of my long-term relationships (except one) than my partners (by far—I was the breadwinner for 20 years).

I’ve traveled the country and internationally alone by trains, planes, automobiles, bus, hitchhiking, ships, and 18-wheelers.

[I’ve only once had bad sex.][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/3606036]

I’ve never been outed or stalked by someone I chose to be intimate with.

I’ve never been attacked by violently a man in a relationship. I have in actual fight training and in two attempted rapes (one had a knife), and I beat them off.

I’ve never gotten an STI/STD aside from HSV-1, which I was born with.

I’ve met complete strangers for dates and sex in strange cities, and have come out alive (I did take precautions).

And yet, this man thinks that entering into a relationship with a dominant woman into cuckolding means that I will somehow suddenly need his protection.

So, I said to him, “As the dominant in my relationships, I protect myself and my partner. I also appreciate protection. I do not, however, feel that having my sexual choices made for me is any sort of protection, because I do not feel that anyone cares more about my wellness and health than I do.”

Which is when he let me down gently, and told me that we could be friends, but that a “meaningful relationship” was out of the picture.

cries

Ok, I feel better now.

What are your thoughts on protection?

I don’t deny that there are amazing benefits to protection, both mutual and one-way.

To me, this goes back to the idea of negotiating those protections/restrictions together as a relationship grows, and as they are needed/wanted.

Where is YOUR line? What takes from protection (for example) to oppressive and controlling self-interest?

Image from KELLEPICS on pixabay.

NC Submissive Locals: I’m Teaching At The Submissive Safe Haven Symposium AGAIN!

Submissive Safe Haven

Damn! Soooooo exciting! My fifth year at SSH, and I’m thrilled.

https://fetlife.com/events/722303

They have grown so much in five years, and the value they offer to the submissive community is incalculable.

This year, I’m doing two classes built specifically for SSH (that will be added to my round-up after they are debuted there):

Dating Kinky: Hands-On Profile

I’ve already given my kinky dating class at SSH, and apparently, they want more. This class is about Dating Kinky, zeroing in on one of the biggest challenges we all face: How to present ourselves to the people we hope to meet for play, for dating, for love, and more. We’ll work together as a group on the dreaded self-focused essay and also give tips and collective suggestions on sharing photos and more.

Communication Across The Slash: For S-Types

Communication is communication, right? Well, yes. And no. For some, especially for submissives, it can be beyond difficult to speak up and say what needs to be said. In this class, we’ll discuss ways to share your thoughts with your D-Types and ideas for helping to build a framework of communication within your relationship to last you for decades.

Like I said, this is my fifth year being invited to teach, and not only am I honored at being asked back, but looking at the line up of teachers and topics, I’m thrilled to be part of such a group.

I hope to see you there!

Communication: Conflict Resolution Protocol

Communication: Conflict Resolution Protocol

I’ve been quiet lately. My last writing just over a month ago.

My Fall has been a series of loops and WTFs I didn’t see coming, traveling to teach, flakes, and stress up the wazoo. I’m WAY behind on everything.

I’ve TRIED to keep up with my messages as I can. I have over 91 I’ve not yet read.

BUT… there were I few I worked very hard to stay on top of, and that is those from people who were in my classes over the last few months, because I said they could follow up with me with questions.

Today’s writing is inspired by one of those questions.

Continue reading “Communication: Conflict Resolution Protocol”

Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced

To Influence, Be Influenced

“Oh great and powerful dominant, bestow upon me the blessing of your attention, the sunlight of your love, and the always-correctness of your counsel.”

If only! LOL!

Actually, I don’t know about y’all, but as a dominant I get first messages like that every day.

It’s not THAT great.

Because any dominant knows that’s not influence. That’s fetish delivery.

Continue reading “Dominants: To Influence, Be Influenced”

For A Happy And Healthy D/s Relationship, Embrace Discomfort

Embrace Discomfort

Embrace discomfort, what? Well, let’s look at the things that cause discomfort in most relationships, and in D/s even more so:

  • Admitting you’re wrong (now, and by extension every time you’ve been wrong in the past and quite likely ruined friendships/relationships as a result).
  • Rejection.
  • Talking about sexuality and consent.
  • Apologizing.
  • Growth (because it usually involves all those things up there and the ones to follow).
  • Self-reflection. When you either give your power to another or you take power over another, understanding your inner thoughts and reasons is even more critical.
  • Trying new things.
  • Creativity.

Any relationship, D/s or not, will stagnate over time unless it is consciously worked upon, and new ideas injected. In D/s, so much of our dynamics are based on pushing boundaries, creating new ways to explore our sexuality, and growing as people that discomfort needs to become, if not comfortable, at least not terrifying .

“Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!” —T. Harv Eker

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that comfort is bad. It’s not. We need our comfortable spaces, our comfortable thoughts, our comfortable routines.

And frankly. we should feel comfortable on a day to day basis with the people we love.

Comfort allows us to relax, and gives us the opportunity to process our experiences and learn from them, even as we prepare for more discomfort and growth to come.

It’s discomfort, though…

…that provides the spark of love, of curiosity, of excitement.

It’s what brings us together to begin with, exploring each other’s bodies and thoughts. It’s what makes us daydream about what we can do and be together.

In between comfort and discomfort is the trap: expectations.

Expectations are discomfort masquerading as comfort. We imagine we know what is going to or should happen, and that makes us feel better about what’s coming.

The more you embrace discomfort and let go of expectations in your D/s relationship, the more you can experience and share with your partner, creating an ever greater foundation of comfort together.

Are You A “MORE” Person?

More

This morning, Pet and I had each other for breakfast.

It was delicious.

Mmmm.

I digress. Damn. So distracting.

Anyway, we often spend some time together in the mornings, especially after date night with others, including bulls.

This morning, as he buried himself between my thighs, I talked dirty to him. Well, I talked “me” to him. That just happens to qualify as dirty to most, I’d guess.

Anyway, I told him what an amazing lover he is, how he pleases me so fucking well, and then I told him, “Give me more.” Continue reading “Are You A “MORE” Person?”

Protocol 101

What is protocol and why do you need it? Not all protocol is bowing and kneeling and “yes, Sir,” and so on. Protocol can be every day traditions and rituals built over time. In this class, we’ll explore the many types of protocol, and how to choose the protocols you want most in your life and your relationships.