Dating Kinky
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My life has for the past couple of days decided to show me the power of expectations.

Life does these things sometimes.

Decides to smack me upside the head with a certain concept until I’m clear, usually when a writing topic is coming up on my calendar.

I didn’t see it coming, and I should have.

Back in April, I was having a conversation with a man who complained quite a bit about people on FetLife being fakes and “full of shit.”

I told him that was not my experience, overall.

He suggested I send some “action” his way. I declined. He then got a bit snippy with me, so I said:

It explains a lot. You treat your interactions with people on here as disposable, and not worth keeping. No wonder people don’t feel connected to you.

I know I don’t feel connected to you, even after a month of back and forth.

I’ll wish you the best in everything you do.

His response:

Lol funny but hey I am sorry my loss. Yes this website is not that important and I admit I could care less about the interactions on here. I honestly do not give a damn. This is all entertainment and funny stuff.

Con now let’s be real this place is a disease speeding bottom feeding meat market. People looking for self esteem they can’t find in the real lives very few exceptions of course. Oh well

He then blocked me.

I saved the messages URL and I scheduled a writing, “You get what you give/expect.”

This week, I’ve had two more experiences.

A man wrote to me praising my writing and me, asking me to do a writing about how many fakes and selfish doms there are on FetLife, and when I demurred, called me a fake and a BSer, and a liar and a narcissist.

Another on Collarspace wrote:

Everything you have been taught goes out the window tonight bitch Get down on your knees and worship your Superior NOW
And if you cant handle it, run to the ignore button coward

I told him my kinks were not compatible with him and wished him the best.

Dont lie. You dont wish me well at all. You women are all the same. Condescending , supercilious bitches

I asked, “Why would I not?”

Because youre a female.

I told him, “Well, believing the way you do only blinds you to the good will around you. That’s not on me. I won’t respond again.”

please respond again, Ill be nice

Neither of these guys had a chance. I won’t pretend they did.

However, both also came in ready for a fight, and did their best to make it happen, because of their expectations.

Yesterday, I came across this amazing NPR article, Can You Affect Another Person’s Behavior With Your Thoughts?

In this piece, the science of expectations is explored, and how what we expect from others colors our behaviors towards them, often shifting their actions in ways we might never think of.

I scheduled it to write on February 12, with the title “The Power of Expectations,” then went to a meeting, where we discussed the business strategy of “rising to expectations,” rather than “sinking into the morass of lowest-common-denominator.”

Seems life was being obvious again, while I was being oblivious.

And then, today, I sit down to write.

“You get what you give/expect” was right there, waiting for me. 

I’m guessing this is a lesson I need to learn more deeply. 

I know I’ve been guilty of expecting less from someone than they could/would offer. I know I’ve expected less of the world than it can provide. I was called on it yesterday by someone FAR more successful than I. 

So, today I’m sharing my life lesson with you, in case you are sometimes as boneheaded as I can be, and you’re stabbing yourself in the foot with your expectations. 

Or, maybe you’re just not using higher expectations of yourself and those around you to your advantage. 

What do you think? 

I saw this on Facebook this morning, and my response to it was strong enough that I wanted to write about it today, rather than whatever I have on my calendar (that’ll just get pushed off to the end of September or so).

Anyway, this image.

I disagree.

Love IS a feeling. It’s created of chemicals being released in our bodies as a results of certain behaviors, looks, and chemistry, and how we respond to those.

Commitment is commitment.

To suggest that love = commitment suggests that commitment = love, and I think we all know that is a false equivalency.

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Not just because I’m a writer, although that certainly exacerbates it.

Something happens, and I build my stories around it… some call them memories. I like ‘stories.’ It has a nice ring.

ANYONE I interact with is part of my stories. You may see yourself in one. It may even be about you. However, I’ll say that’s rare.

By the time I write about something, usually the inspiration has been past for months. And what I’ve written is usually sufficiently generic that it can cover any of a half-dozen situations, because it’s become a story.

A story I tell myself about things, to help me explain my world.

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Really? THAT’s what you want to know? That’s your burning question? The one that comes before an introduction, some small talk?

UGH.

And while that is heinous, the question in general is kind of gross, no matter what, in my view.

After all, why da fuck you care?

What possible bearing could that have on my relationship with you?

Let’s explore:

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with change how I look?

If so, you can judge how I look without knowing.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with determine how capable I am of loving?

If so, you can determine whether I love you enough through my words and actions, rather than through my sexual history.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with have anything to do with my skills in bed?

Well, then, when we get to that point, try me out, and we’ll see if we are compatible there.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with suggest to you how I might feel “down there?”

If so, you can find that out when/if you are allowed to feel that.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you an idea of how loyal I will be?

If so, find out by actually experiencing my loyalty.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you and idea of your competition?

Sex is not a competition. Can’t you understand that if I’m with you, it’s because I want to be?

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with tell you whether I am a good person or not?

Can’t you decide that for yourself through other factors?

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with give you an idea of my STD/STI status?

You can find that out through asking me for my test results—even my test results history.

Does the number of people I’ve had sex with tell you whether you are likely to get sex with me?

No. It doesn’t.

And besides, it’s none of your gawddamned business.

Image: Mike Licht, CC2.0