Asking The Community: How Do We Define “A Predator?”

Yesterday, someone called a close friend of mine and accused me of being a predator.

While I believe I am the furthest thing from a predator (I have played with two newbies in 10 years, and I am never the sexual aggressor outside of my relationships—although I do flirt hard, it’s mostly hot air), I thought to myself:

  • What IS a predator in the community?
  • How do we separate a predator from shitty kink going wrong?
  • How do we judge ourselves and others when accusations are leveled, beyond a popularity contest?

I realized I don’t have a concrete answer.

I asked a group yesterday, and I got a few suggestions, and a feeling of “I know it when I see it.”

But is that enough?

Maybe it has to be. However, I think that as a community we can do better. We can collectively come up with some guidelines, red flags, maybe even some warnings that could help others identify.

And yes, there are always examples of people who meet a condition who are not predators. That’s going to require judgement.

But just as the DSM is not a single rule for a diagnoses, I’m guessing that predatory behavior will be a strong cluster of correlated symptoms that can lead to diagnoses, or at least greater care and watching.

Here are a few suggestions to start with:

  • Seeking out primarily newbies for play.
  • Refusing to go to public events. “Too much drama in the community.” or “I’m misunderstood.”
  • Ill intent.
  • Complaints at events and venues.
  • On multiple “don’t fly” lists for events and socials (I do know this is not something the average kinkster will know).
  • Patterns of problematic behavior.
  • Rapid cycling of partners.
  • Isolating partners/denying access to other kinksters.

AGAIN: I’ll state that these things can happen for a lot of reasons. Rapid cycling of partners can be someone who enjoy multiple casual and fleeting relationships, so using it as the ONLY criteria is a bit slut-shamey.

I’ll also note that predators come in all types. While we tend to think of the male dominant, I’ve known submissives, switches, baby-girls, and pets that I would say “I know it when I see it, and I see it,” about.

So, what makes a predator?

How could we as a community define and therefore spot them and warm about them better?

How could individuals rely less on “I’ll know it when I see it”?

I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Image by Sarah Richter from Pixabay

I’ll Say The “C” Word Whenever I Want!

And I’ll be right.

You see, I read this piece a while back:

Please, not the C word

Where the author says that if they never hear the “C Word,” chemistry, in reference to relationships again, they’ll be happy.

“Like, ever.”

Then, they go on to give six banal reasons someone might feel chemistry.

Except for, you know, actual chemistry.

Continue reading “I’ll Say The “C” Word Whenever I Want!”

I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.

I wrote in February about rejecting actions online, not YOU as a person. After all, I don’t know you as a person. i just know how you behave in your interactions with me.

@Grafinya said:

“women saying NO so often is simply because we aren’t being offered something worth saying yes to.”

THIS.

Exactly this.

Continue reading “I ONLY Say “No,” Because You Don’t Give Me Something Worth Saying “FUCK Yeah!” To.”

What Are Your Kinky Questions? ASK THEM!

What is kinky, anyway?

What questions do you have about kink?

OR what questions have you had about kink in the past when you were a brand-spanking new kinkster?

OR what questions would you want a newbie to kink to ask you or an expert that you trust?

(No need to say which is which, necessarily. grins)

If you have answers to the questions you pose, please share them as well. If you have answers to what other people ask, or opinions, please feel free to answer.

I’m looking to find out what you want to know, and to help you find out what you want to know.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m going to be writing a book about “What is kinky?” and I’ll probably take inspiration from your questions, and possibly use (with permission and attribution) quotes of your answers.

So, What Are You Into?

Do you ____?
What do you like to do?
Do you enjoy ____?

I wrote a profile for a reason.

If you approach me without any mention of ANYTHING I’m interested in and then ask me, “So, what are you into?”, I’ll answer with something like:

“My profile is pretty detailed. Perhaps you’d like to ask me something more specific?”

Because frankly, if you are approaching me ONLY for a specific interest, then you are most likely not approaching me at all, but instead a possible wank fantasy, and that’s not what I’m on FetLife for.

If you are, that’s cool.

You’ve just self-disqualified from my interest list, before even really being on it.

I’ve written about similar things before, and someone said:

“I’ve gotten way too many negative reactions when a person’s profile says one thing but they want another thing. So even though some may find it annoying, I try to be polite as possible and not assume what people are interested in.”

This is two things:

1. It’s a convenient excuse to do whatever you want. So. Go on with your bad self, determining someone is likely a liar even before you interact with them is SURE to make for a good relationship beginning (whatever that relationship ultimately becomes).

2. It’s not even attempting to connect with people as they have stated they want to be connected with. Which is lazy or dismissive, or any one of a number of other things.

Again, your right to do whatever.

Just know that those of us who actually write profiles do it for a reason. And ignoring that fact will likely lose you even the opportunity to discover whether we might be into what we’re into with you.

Access To The Playground

Access To The Playground

Unlike the days of being “in the know,” and searching the classified section of The Village Voice to find like-minded kinky folk, kink is no longer invite-only.

Some bemoan this fact.

They enjoyed the exclusivity, the smugness associated with taking very specific steps to gain a title or recognition or entrée into “the lifestyle.”

And that’s OK.

I enjoy it far more now.

Continue reading “Access To The Playground”

NC Submissive Locals: I’m Teaching At The Submissive Safe Haven Symposium AGAIN!

Submissive Safe Haven

Damn! Soooooo exciting! My fifth year at SSH, and I’m thrilled.

https://fetlife.com/events/722303

They have grown so much in five years, and the value they offer to the submissive community is incalculable.

This year, I’m doing two classes built specifically for SSH (that will be added to my round-up after they are debuted there):

Dating Kinky: Hands-On Profile

I’ve already given my kinky dating class at SSH, and apparently, they want more. This class is about Dating Kinky, zeroing in on one of the biggest challenges we all face: How to present ourselves to the people we hope to meet for play, for dating, for love, and more. We’ll work together as a group on the dreaded self-focused essay and also give tips and collective suggestions on sharing photos and more.

Communication Across The Slash: For S-Types

Communication is communication, right? Well, yes. And no. For some, especially for submissives, it can be beyond difficult to speak up and say what needs to be said. In this class, we’ll discuss ways to share your thoughts with your D-Types and ideas for helping to build a framework of communication within your relationship to last you for decades.

Like I said, this is my fifth year being invited to teach, and not only am I honored at being asked back, but looking at the line up of teachers and topics, I’m thrilled to be part of such a group.

I hope to see you there!

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

Kink Fantasy Vs. Kink Reality

A common conversation:

They say:

Something, something, kink, something, blah blah blah, [insert porn ideology here].

I reply:

“That’s all fantasy. Reality is a different world.”

They return:

Well, reality is overrated.

This is where they always lose me.

Reality is my homey. You dis reality, you dis me.

I’m all about the real.

In fact, I don’t even “fantasize” in the normal ways, because when I have fantasies, I generally pursue them and realize them, and know that fantasy cannot (for me) ever beat the feel of flesh on flesh, the scent of another body, then sounds of grunts and words, the tastes of sweat and saliva, the sights, even of blackness when blindfolded.

To me, fantasy is the bit that’s overrated.

I mean, it’s fun. I don’t knock it. I read fantasy and fiction. It’s entertaining. It’s inspiring. I credit books with shaping my life in many ways.

As Jimmy so wisely said:

“Read dozens of books about heroes and crooks,
And I learned much from both of their styles.”

Sharing fantasies with Pet has allowed me to get to know his deeper self much more effectively (I believe) than trying to dig out and discover things as I went, or as they came up in conversation.

Even online porn and memes, which often represent the most extreme edges of la-la land and unrealistic ideations of what a specific kink might represent has it’s uses when made into a tool for talking about concepts that we may not yet have had our own words for.

But for us, while the fantasy is useful and hot, nothing beats actually doing things together. Even when they are not as extreme, perhaps, they still have US. Our connection. Our real senses of touch and taste and hearing. And they fit into our real lives as well.

And I’ve seen fantasy become a jail for many. An addiction.

Those who fall willingly down the rabbit hole of extreme ideas and fetishes, who never even experienced the first level in real life, so they are constantly chasing the utmost in kinky/fetish play, when they have yet to find a partner who will even start at the basics with them.

And so, they thirst.

And thirst.

And become (and behave) THIRSTY.

And people turn away, because those who look for these things in reality know the unrealistic fantasy when they see it. And know the addiction.

In my view, fantasy can be an amazing tool for communication and inspiration in a relationship.

If it’s never backed up by or partnered with reality, though, for me, it loses it’s appeal and fast.

What do you think?

What is amazing about fantasy? What is good? How has it helped you in your exploration of kink or your relationships?

What is not so healthy about fantasy? Have you seen it in a negative light before?

And reality. What do you LOVE about reality? What frustrates you about it, or when does reality feel like a let-down?

The Difference Between Posting Your Junk And Sending “Dick Pics”

The Difference Between Posting Your Junk And Sending "Dick Pics"

Yesterday, I wrote about showing off what you have, and several people on FetLife mentioned the ‘dick pic’ thing, which is a valid consideration and rife with potential for hypocrisy.

Here’s my view:

1. Posting a photo of your junk (whatever your gender) on FetLife (or another adult social site) in your photos…

Is one thing. Your profile, your consent. If you post publicly, anyone can CHOOSE to see the detail (from the thumbnail in their feed or slightly larger version, should it go K&P on FetLife) and comment as they desire.

2. Posting a photo of your junk as your avatar…

Is another level, as that not only shows in personal feeds, but also shows up next to every message you send, comment you post, and so on. It’s still very much consensual, in that this IS a kink site and it’s expected.

On the other hand, it’s a bit more invasive, pushing your junk to everyone.

People do complain about this. And that’s understandable. After all, it can be a bit disconcerting having a conversation with genitalia.

3. Sending unsolicited non-consensual dick pics via messenger, kik, text, etc…

This is the main cause of complain of these three. It’s not necessarily in an environment where random genitalia is/are expected (or considerate), and without consent/solicitation, it’s no bueno.

Because in many of these cases, there is NO CHOICE to see or not.

And it’s not just the dick.

After all, we’ve probably all seen dick. I’ve seen A LOT of dick. So much that when I used ot post on Craigslist, I would tell people not to send dick pics, because I’d already received THE WORST, and they could not compete. Highlights of that joy included:

  • Unsolicited.
  • Video.
  • Appalling music. Really terrible.
  • The cum shot is a let down. It was more of a dribble than a shoot. AND it happened at 15 seconds in, with another 1min 45 left in the video.
  • Unflattering. The model seemed to have a nice body, but that position did nothing for their physique.
  • Grotesque psychedelic overlay. Who wants to look at a moldy-colored cock?

Many are quite lovely compared to that.

But the mindset of forcing your naughties on my eyes is as unattractive as the dick pics themselves. More, even.

I explained more here on why: Your Cock Vs. My Cock.

So, when discussing “dick pic shaming” versus nasty comments on personal profile photos, perhaps these are the nuances you’re looking for.

What do you think?

Of course, I’m open to your ideas and thoughts on the differences (if any) as YOU see them.