Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.


The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

Dominance: What Is TRUE Leadership?


This morning, I’m thinking about two men. In my head, I call them Dreamboat and Cutie Boy. They are members of an Entrepreneurship group I participate in, and they are, in fact, as attractive as my nicknames for them would suggest.

They are also partners in business, so I sort of think of them as a duo, like John and Marsha, or Captain and Tenille.

But this is primarily about Cutie Boy.

So, Cutie Boy is pretty curios about this whole “kinky dating” thing, and asks questions.

Which I encourage.

First, because I like talking to him and looking at him. I’m a pervert like that.

Second, because I like to think that the more matter-of-fact and approachable I am in any situation about what I do, the more normal it seems. Not as “freaky-scary” to the vanillas (or not-quite-so-vanillas).

So, he says, “Do people’s careers make a difference in how they kink?” (I’m paraphrasing.)

I and Selene both responded, “Often, yes, but not in the way you might think.” And I explained that many people who take charge in their careers prefer to submit in their personal life or vice versa, and some people are just as dominant or submissive in their entire life.

He stopped to think for a moment, then said, “So the ones who are like that all they time, and they more real?”

Which is a fair question.

I immediately answered, “Nope. Humans are far too complex for generalities like that.”

Here’s what I mean, and how I explained my views on leadership to him:

People are bundles of contradictions and a myriad of motivations.

Let’s take leadership for example. People want to lead for different reasons.

  • They get off on the power.
  • They are incredibly capable and efficient.
  • They view it as a service, and step up when they are needed.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but this is what I thought of at the time.

I told him that leaders probably often have more than one reason.

“So, if one person is a leader because they love having that power, and another is a capable person who loves to provide leadership, which is better?”

He said “probably the second.”

I said, “Which is more ‘true’? Or which is more authentic?”

He said, “Neither, really.”


Which is why I don’t think lifelong dominants are more real than switches, or why I think those who are more powerful in their daily lives are any more or less effective at submitting than anyone else.

People are people. Amazingly complex, interesting, conflicted, beautiful…

And I had the all the pleasures of looking at Cutie Boy, discussing two of my favorite topics (kink and business), and connecting through communication all in one go.

Not a one of those things has anything to do with whether my leadership is “real” or “authentic” or “true,” but every one is part of my leadership self.

What are your thoughts on leadership?

What makes for a good leader/dominant. Is there anything besides their actions that (for you) signal someone who might be a step above the others?

Q. What Can We Expect From Our Lifestyle Leaders?

Leaders do this: Lead by example. Not this: Leading by command.

A. Weaknesses, fuck-ups, stupidity (at least temporarily), inappropriate reactions, hypocrisy, and pretty much everything else associated with greater humanity.


Lifestyle leaders are human. Like any person is. Like any leader is—just look at those who lead our country.

Even the most successful people have fucked up, often in major ways. Have made mistakes, said non-PC things, and just generally been, at times, people you wouldn’t entrust a goldfish to.

And that’s OK.

It’s going to happen. We should expect it.

We should also be able to expect:

  • Recovery
  • Apologies (when necessary)
  • Growth
  • A solid sense of ethics that can be ascertained through consistent words and actions over the years
  • Communication, to and from—not only speaking, but listening
  • Authenticity

I am a lifestyle leader.

I know this because people follow me, and turn to me for help, and because I do my best to lead, in the most capable way I can.

I try to influence others towards acceptance and tolerance and love. I try to stop misinformation in it’s tracks and share the truth as I know it and have experienced it.

I try to always be learning, and researching. Not just in kink, but in everything, because who I am as a person affects who I am as a kinkster and who I am as a lifestyle leader.

I am not perfect.

(Yeah, yeah, I hear the collective, “Well, DUH!” LOL! I said that to show my own understanding, not that I thought y’all were under any illusions.)

I do not strive to be perfect, because I don’t believe that’s possible.

I do what I believe is RIGHT (not just right for me) as often as possible, and believe that the good I do FAR outweighs the harm. And when I harm, I do my best to fix it.

I’m also just me.

And, when it comes right down to it, lifestyle leader or not, I’m just me.

That’s all I can be. Nothing more and nothing less.

I write publicly when I think new thoughts, and change my mind. I write to explain when I’ve been wrong, and to apologize. And yes, I also write to clap back when people mischaracterize what I say in ways that might harm others, or make people feel less-than.

And that’s how I feel I lead best. I do everything in my power to be public about constantly improving and becoming better, to be the best me I can be, in kink as a dominant, lifestyle leader, educator, author and site developer, and as an individual with my own relationships, traumas, joys and pains.

No, I’m not upset. This writing is in response to something, but something that was commented to over 9 months ago, which I have processed over time and discussed with others. I’m not going anywhere. I’m writing this from my perspective, and in the hopes that it will give insight into many other imperfect leaders out there who fail and try and grow and service this community.