Happy Birthday To Me!

I’ve made it around the sun another year. YAY!

I’ve had a difficult year. Difficult two years, really. Since a hit-and-run car crash in 2017 (the Friday before my birthday party), it seems like things have been haywire for me.

Lots of epic challenges.

Also, lots of me throwing myself deeper into life.

Yin.

Yang.

Today, for my birthday, I’d like to make a request for those of you who read me, and those of you who find me.

Actually, it’s two requests. Both love bombs.

ONE: It’s my birthday. I’d love to hear something nice about me from you. Maybe something I wrote touched you. Or a picture I posted made you smile, or whatever. I don’t care. Just something positive.

TWO: I’d also love for you to pay it forward to at least one person. If you’re willing to love bomb a few people, please do.

Spread some love and positivity through the world of kink today. Say something sweet to another writer, a photo-sharer, a friend, a loved one. Write on a wall, send a sweet message, send a social media post, write a journal entry and name names, something.

If you’d like to tag me, I’d love to read the happiness you’ll share. If not, no worries. I believe you’re doing it—even offline.

Thank you so much.

Let’s spread some love!

Image by autumnsgoddess0 from Pixabay

Healthy Boundaries: What Is YOU In A Relationship?

Where do YOU end and where does another begin?

Where does the state line of Healthy Boundaries meet it’s neighboring District of Codependency?

For me, after a marriage of emotional abuse, getting sucked into someone else’s untreated mental illness, I tend to be hyper aware. Like, “I know it when I see it.”

But to set lines of demarcation for others? It’s harder.

I do know there are things in a relationship that each person is responsible for, regardless of dynamics—at least in my view. Of course, my view is also that [a dominant is responsible for EVERYTHING in their relationship dynamic][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/3224217].

(Yes, I know that sounds contradictory. It’s not, in my mind, because my submissive can be responsible for their behavior to me, and I can also be responsible for their behavior within our dynamic.)

Here are a few things, though, that (for me) give a good hint at where the lines could be drawn:

  • Doing things that I think will make them happy and healthy and feeling loved is ME.
  • Ensuring they have a happy life is NOT ME.
  • Their financial success is NOT ME.
  • Their mental health is NOT ME.
  • Being a human of my word is ME.
  • Creating a safe space where they can express themselves is ME (not as therapy but as groundwork for the emotional connection that enables intimacy—I’m not responsible for fixing their problems, but having a healthy relationship means providing a non-judgemental ear to listen or shoulder to cry on).
  • Expressing myself is ME.
  • Leading by example is ME.

And so on.

What is YOU in a relationship?

Do any of my lines feel right to you? Do any feel wrong? How does your dynamic affect what is YOU in a relationship versus what is not, if at all?

In a relationship with healthy boundaries, where do YOU begin and where does your partner end?

I look forward to your thoughts.

Forgiving, In Order To Be Forgiven

A friend of mine sent me this writing prompt to ponder:

I think everyone agrees that it’s bad to hold onto past hurts, and bring them up in arguments years later. But how about if you flip it around?

I remember my dad telling me once, after my mother did something that annoyed him, that you don’t want to be too hard on your spouse, because some day you’re going to be the one in the wrong. It stuck with me. I always try to be gracious when people fuck things up (or even fuck me over) because I hope they will be gracious with me when the situation is flipped.

So my question for you, is are those things different? Is expecting someone to be forgiving because you were forgiving, different than hanging onto hurts from the past?

I reacted to this when I read it, but I wasn’t sure exactly what my reaction was, so I sat on it a bit.

And today, much sooner than I expected, I have an answer—or at least something I can start to answer with.

Yes, it is different, I believe. Not just because the immediate results are different, but because of the intention.

That said, there is a potential shadiness in this that I think my friend was catching on to that was likely not at all intended by his father.

It’s worth exploring.

To me, forgiving to be forgiven is a form of covert contract:

The I-was-so-forgiving-therefore-you-need-to-recognize form of covert contract.

UNLESS it’s spoken. Aloud. Clearly. And agreed to.

Let me explain.

I think we can all agree that buying someone dinner in the expectations that it will lead to sex without negotiating that is a covert contract and pretty gross.

In the same vein, so is forgiving someone now to use as a get out of jail free card in the future.

Both are trading something for something else without the agreement of both parties.

If we flip this, though, it’s OK: “I’m forgiving you, and really, barely even need to do that, because you’ve always been so understanding when I’ve made boneheaded moves…”

THAT is always OK.

But that is coming from a place of thanks and gratitude, rather than from a place of expectation.

Or, even, “I forgive you. I mean, I’ve done enough boneheaded shit in my life that I get it. I certainly hope that when I’m an idiot, you’ll also forgive me, deal?”

Which is a good option, but not a great one.

Because this may be a boneheaded move to you, but what you want forgiveness for in the future may feel like more than that, and you’re deposits into the forgiveness account may not be enough. If that happens, will you then be entitled? Or feel OK?

I can’t answer that for you. You may not be able to answer that for yourself, until it happens.

That’s why I suggest living a No Regrets philosophy, and choosing your actions at any time by what is right for you NOW, not what you hope to get out of your decision.

What are your thoughts?

I could be way off base here. I don’t think I am, obviously. However, I’m still testing this thought process, and I’m open to your thoughts and ideas about what I’m getting right (if anything) or wrong (also if anything).

A Look Into The Mind Of An Incel

A man I’ve counseled over the years in a masculine dominance forum that I volunteer (as a dominant woman’s perspective) for, posted this incredibly insightful self-assessment:

If a woman is NOT horny and ready-to-go, I assume there’s something wrong with her, and I have a tendency to judge her negatively in some way that she may have issues.

Or, I may experience self-hatred or shame and believe that I am not man enough in some way.

I tend to have a fixed mindset if a woman is not responsive to me.

This is a piercingly clear insight into the very heart of what makes the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154] mindset dysfunctional, and leads from Nice Guy-itis to total incel-itis.

NOTE: in the linked article about the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154], I also mention that this can apply to Nice Girls as well. Let me state now that I’m going to use NG to represent “Nice Guy” behavior in any all genders.

Also, If you’re not familiar with incels, here is a handy guide to the four ‘levels’ of inceldom: [image][https://miro.medium.com/max/1838/1H3a8OH1eVSIpXH5NteZFvw.jpeg]*

The first sentence is one side of an incel/NG—the side that has to look for fault in others to lay blame. Whether blame is even a factor or necessary.

The second sentence is the other side.

The self-loathing side.

The side of an incel/NG that holds their hurts and disappointments and eats at them like a cancer. The side where they internalize every negative word ever spoken to them and every negative thought they’ve ever had.

Even good things get fed into this side and interpreted through this dank filter.

And the last sentence is a key point: fixed mindset. It’s either or both of those things. There is no other explanation. There is no viable alternate viewpoint. No matter how harmful to themselves, they insist on these being the ONLY two options.

These few sentences show exactly how a lack of understanding of human nature and how to be successful romantically and sexually with others leads to incel/NG behaviors and beliefs.

And the sucky thing?

This creates a huge shitload of self-reinforcing trouble for the incel/NG, and it’s based on a false assumption that they can’t (or rather, won’t) let go.

Because no matter how much they may want and hate women/other humans, and no matter how much they may secretly despise themselves, it’s not nearly as bad as realizing they are wrong.

That they are wrong.

That they have been wrong.

Possibly for years.

Screwing things up, hurting themselves and others.

Wrong.

And so, they will double down, and continue in pain. Because that feels safer than learning to do and think differently.

At least they know what desperation and self-loathing feels like. They know they can handle that.

Being wrong, making change—that’s an unknown. It’s scary.

Scarier than where they are now.

NOTE: This man, after a year and a half, was asked to leave the forums. He would not, could not, let go of his toxic beliefs. And he was being disrespectful to others as he spiraled ever more out of control. Such a shame.

Poly Is Not Less (Poly Is Not, Part XVIII)

Not inherently so, anyway.

Let me explain.

Also, before I explain, let me say that I am not proselytizing. I have no desire to convert you to the cult of poly. IDGAF if you are poly or mono or decidedly alone. I post these “Poly Is Not” writings to combat some group-think and stereotypes that often hold little basis in reality. If you are completely unwilling to share a partner’s sexuality and love, that’s fine. You do you.

Ok, that all said, let me say clearly: Poly is not necessarily less of someone than monogamy.

Because in polyamory or monogamy, you could be with a partner who you adore in every way. Who is responsive to you, who meshes with you wonderfully in non-sexual ways.

They could be naturally monogamous, and not open to other options.

You could have the same partner, who is open to sharing, and enjoying time with others.

In either case, you could ruin the potential because you would “want more,” rather than enjoying what you and they have, and taking pleasure as it comes to you.

Which, is, of course your right. Especially if you are monogamous.

Continue reading “Poly Is Not Less (Poly Is Not, Part XVIII)”

Communication Is NOT The Most Important Part Of A Relationship—Kinky Or Otherwise

And this is coming from someone who teaches communication classes.

So, what’s the most important thing in a relationship?

Appreciating your partner. Truly. Deeply. Wonderfully.

Appreciate who they are as people.

Appreciate what they do for you.

Appreciate their character and drive.

Appreciate their quirks and foibles.

Because without that appreciation, you will run into communication killers—those things that will make your conversations into arguments and your collaborations into battles.

You’ll lose the benefit of the doubt to get you through stressful times, hurtful times.

You’ll try to make them over or run their lives or create rules like you might for a child, and well, that rarely goes over well.

And it shouldn’t.

And it’s not just appreciation for your partner.

You must have appreciation for you. Because unless you feel strength and contribution and the ability to make good choices, you will have a hard time truly appreciating your partner.

Because you won’t be sure you picked the right one. And doubts will eat at you and erode what you’d built.

And you won’t trust.

And communication (which IS critically important) won’t happen.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

Dick Is Cheap

In January, I offered up the debate about which gender has the power, and Grafinya said:

“dick is cheap”

And she’s right.

It is.

Now YOUR dick might not be cheap.

Hell, none of mine are, since they are all medical grade silicone, and I am pretty choosey about where I put them and who I put them in.

But dick, as a basic commodity, is cheap.

Sure, some people may have a harder time getting dick than others.

Thing is, it’s not just cheap, it’s free. Offered regularly without really any effort on my part.

And I’m a fan of free and cheap. I love getting bargains. I love free stuff. I love thrifting.

I’m also a fan of Marie Kondo’s saying:

“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle. The best way to choose what to keep and what to throw away is to take each item in one’s hand and ask: Does this spark joy?

And even free and cheap things (maybe especially free and cheap things) must spark joy.

Grafinya also said:

“A guy showing up offering nothing but dick is cheap. A guy offering good dick + a desire to please his partner, intelligent conversation, good social skills, common interest and life goals is expensive and hard to find. Or as Flannery O’Connor put it, A good MAN is hard to find.”

I might say, a good human with a dick sparks joy, whether free, cheap, or easy.

I ask you…

What are your priorities in the people you meet and spend time with?

What is cheap to you? Dick? Pussy? Flattery? Small talk? Dates?

What is dear to you? What sparks joy? Friendship? Connection? Thoughtfulness?

What makes something more than cheap to you?

Love Is Dangerous When It Feels Scarce

Note that I said “feels scarce,” not “is scarce.”

That matters.

Because when someone is alone and does not feel a lack, love is not dangerous.

When someone is with many others, perhaps even beloved of them, but cannot feel that comfort, love is full of peril.

What are your thoughts on this?

I’m just musing today, and would love to read your thoughts on this topic.

*smiles*

Image by DarkWorkX from Pixabay

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

kilig
the jittery fluttering feeling as you talk to someone you fancy

When we speak, our vocabulary often gives people an impression of us, especially what our intelligence quotient, or IQ, might be.

When we feel a full range of emotions, we are exhibiting our emotional quotient, or EQ, might be.

In a conversation this morning, Selene mentioned somebody with “the emotional range of a teaspoon.” It made me laugh.

We all know people like this, who live life in a small handful of emotions:

  • Happiness
  • Anger
  • Sadness

The problem with this simplicity of feeling is that if you are not happy, then you are sad or angry. Boredom becomes sadness. Conflicted become angry.

There is no room for contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, peacefulness…

There is also no clear distinction for joy, wonderment, ebullience, amazement, or bliss.

Anger is angry. Not peeved, or peckish, not frustrated or put-out. It’s also not ragey or furious or stormy.

And where might comfort, or compassion or meditative find their spot?

When everything becomes so simplistic, we actually live a less fulfilling life. We don’t even really get to EXPERIENCE the range of emotion, because we cannot describe it to ourselves and label those feeling, leaning into them.

And, even when we might experience them, we don’t have the opportunity to really embrace them and appreciate them. Like kilig. Now that you know there is a word for that, I bet you’ll recognize it when it comes around again.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows offers up words for things we never realized we had words for before, giving us a more layered look at life, like sonder or occhiolism.

Other languages bring us new concepts and ideas. Like Greek, and the types of love:

  • agape
  • eros
  • philia
  • philautia
  • storge
  • pragma
  • ludus
  • mania

Or check out this article on non-English words for emotions you never knew you had.

But, even within our own language, we have SO MANY options to choose from. Just check out this list (PDF): Ultimate List of Emotions

A Small Exercise

Pick an emotive word you rarely use, but that you have felt recently. Alternatively, pick a word that you love that you intend to identify in your life in the future.

Think about how feeling THAT word is different than a more simplistic word might be. How simply identifying the feeling differently gives you a more complex and accurate way to FEEL.

If you’re willing, share it (or several). smiles

I learned an emotion today that I plan to lean into:

Sukha (Sanskrit) – genuine lasting happiness independent of circumstances

What’s yours?

Image by Sol_Noblehart from Pixabay