Dating Kinky
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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


In a forum devoted to men and developing their dominance, someone posted this:

My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.

Earlier this summer, as Pet and I talked over some plans for a weekend together, I wondered if we were trapping ourselves into a relationship dynamic that might hinder our growth, and determined that I’d talk to him about it at some point (I did), because I don’t want us to ever feel stifled or held back (neither does he).

And I also wonder about the traps we set for others, as well.

What does it mean to me when I meet a man or a woman or an enby? A submissive or a little or a furry? What does it mean when I call someone sexy or smart?

And am I boxing them in, in my mind, or am I allowing them to grow and become more as I know them better and learn more of their labels?

I’d like to think the latter.

I do mostly think the latter.

Do you?

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


So, in the first week of January, I holed up and wrote.

68 chapters, about 38,000 words. All about FLR, FemDom, and Women In Charge relationships, also known as “the book for March” to my team.

It’s part of my 12 books in 12 months in 2020 goal, which I’ve been crushing.

I’m a tad bonkers, I know.

LOL!

Anyway, one of the ways I do this is I create a book based on questions. Many are questions I’ve been asked a lot over the years. Some are newer questions solicited for the project (you may have seen some of these on my feed).

One of the newer questions for this book was:

What Are the Pitfalls of FemDom in Marriage?

And, as I was writing the chapter, I realized that the very same pitfalls apply to all power exchange relationships, and I wanted to share them with you.

My knee-jerk reaction was to say, “NONE!” and be done with that chapter. Believe me, every once in a while I CAN answer a question quickly, like in a couple of paragraphs, and I celebrate, because that reduces my writing time that day (I often give myself a goal of X number of chapters).

Thing is that’s not entirely true. There are potential pitfalls to ANY relationship choice, and if I’m going to write this book and answer questions, I needed to really think things through.

And when I did, well, here it is (generalized to all power exchange relationships)…

Just like any other relationship style, power exchange dynamics have their “gotchas” in marriage or any other long-term arrangement.

Let’s take a look at those.

Absolute Power Corrupts Absolutely

Power can go to your head. Of course it can.

And the challenge is to avoid using that power to reinforce the idea that you are a better or more deserving person because you have that power.

This could potentially lead to thoughts or behaviors of dehumanization from the dominant toward the submissive.

It’s an easy habit to fall into, and it becomes a situation where power is used to railroad the submissive partner, instead of compassion used to make sure that BOTH partners are served by a mutual relationship dynamic.

Manipulation

And with power comes the ability to manipulate.

Manipulation is not inherently evil. It can be used for good or bad things.
As a behavior modification enthusiast myself, I love using manipulation techniques to improve my own life and that of my Pet.

It’s easy to see the appeal, though, to use power to convince someone that they want something that you want, or that their desires are just a passing fancy, and not as important as yours.

And that crosses the line, because that’s not consensual.

Bandaid

Of course, any new relationship style—power exchange, ethical non-monogamy, parenthood—can be used as a quick fix or patch to hide huge problems in the relationship’s foundation.

The newness, the excitement, the tbondingogetherness of figuring it out…

It FEELS like it’s fixing things.

When it’s not.

Any power exchange dynamic is best when the original relationship foundation is whole and stable.

Co-Dependency

For those with deeply submissive natures, it’s incredibly easy to lose themselves in their roles, and to take on the wants, needs, and preferences of their dominant.

To the point where they lose who they are as an individual, and become a mere hanger-on to another’s life.

While some people aim for just this thing (and I’m not going to say that’s wrong—just worth treading very carefully), for the majority of people it is not a conscious and consented-to process.

And because it happens gradually over time, it’s hard to find and root out, if it’s not watched for from the beginning.

Abuse

Of course.

Just because you’re kinky doesn’t mean you’re not in an abusive relationship.

I discussed the differences in a recent writing, BDSM Vs. Abuse.

I’d suggest that whenever there might be a question in your mind about your own or another’s relationship, that you read through that (and any other similar references) and really examine what’s going on.

All That Said…

Pretty much any/all of these things happen in every type of relationship.

The power exchange does encourage some of them in ways that other more equal dynamics might not, but I think we can all agree that even without power exchange, we’ve seen these things happen to friends and loved ones, perhaps even ourselves.

What are YOUR thoughts?

What did I miss? Have you seen any of these potential pitfalls in your own relationships or others?

You can leave a voicemail with your thoughts! We may use your comments in a podcast, if you do. *smiles*

Image by 【微博/微信】愚木混株 【Instagram】cdd20 from Pixabay

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Unicorn Hunting is a touchy term in Polyamory circles.

So many single women have gotten burned by couples looking “for a third,” and then…well, I’ll get to this.

One of the biggest challenges surrounding this topic is, in my view, the communication of it.

As is often the case in specialized communities, non-monogamy and polyamory groups use language in ways that people outside those groups have hard time understanding.

Heck, we do this in kink. Using “dominant” as a noun and attaching many things to the concept WAY beyond what a vanilla person is likely to have come across in their daily life and living has led to much confusion.

But back to unicorns and hunting.

A unicorn in this case is a bisexual woman open to dating a couple as a triad.

Hunting in this case is the action of a couple seeking said unicorn.

Easy-peasy, right?

Yes.

Until you try to communicate with those “in the know,” and suddenly, it seems like you have veered off course into whakadoo land, because you have NO IDEA what they are railing about.

Unless you do.

Because Unicorn Hunting, as a concept in ENM and polyamorous communities is greater than the sum of it’s parts.

It doesn’t just mean “looking for a third who happens to be a bi woman willing to date us as a couple in a triad.”

It now refers to that looking AND to a range of problematic behaviors that often accompany that looking that remove the “ethical” from “ethical non-monogamy.”

Here are a few highlights:

  • The couple is a traditional cis-het man/woman couple.
  • They are likely less experienced in any forms of ENM than most others.
  • If they do have experience, it’s likely limited, and incomplete.
  • The couple makes the “rules” of relationship engagement without input from the unicorn. Often even after a relationship has grown.
  • There is a one penis policy in place, either explicitly or implicitly.
  • There is a rule or at least a strong expectation about the couple progressing at the same pace at all times in emotions and commitment feelings.
  • The relationship is kept discreet, thereby preventing the unicorn being included in normal family or work events, possibly even keeping the relationship secret from mutual friends.
  • The couple expects their “unicorn” to be both sexually and romantically exclusive.
  • They also demand that the unicorn is attracted to them both equally and interested in only having group sex.
  • The couple are not looking to bring her fully into their relationship because that might put her between them.
  • The couple always takes precedence over the unicorn.

These things are rarely spoken up-front, but instead the relationship is allowed to progress “naturally,” and these things are brought up as they are relevant, often causing pain and conflict, because really, the unicorn was NOT told what she was signing up for, and feels dehumanized and boxed in to a role, instead of feeling like her personhood is being taken into account.

After all, the couple has usually negotiated the terms of the relationship before the unicorn even exists. The box she’ll have to live in has been partially built before they even know her name. If she’s looking for something different, she may not even be aware that’s off the table, until it becomes a problem in the relationship.

It really boils down to a lack of consent.

“Well, she had to know the risks.”

No, she didn’t.

There are people out there who don’t practice this sort of hierarchical relationship style.

And it’s SOOOO easy to get caught up in the NRE—the couple does it, not even bringing up all that they had talked about, to not ruin the mood, or because it slipped their mind until something was about to go sideways (or did).

There’s more, of course. I’ll probably write more about this. However, I think the critical point has been made:

Unicorn hunting does not just refer to a couple looking for a unicorn.

It refers to that whole host of problematic behaviors and more.

Ok, Sure. But What’s a Minotaur?

The guy version of a unicorn. Also called a dragon.

Same thing happens here, although it’s LESS often. Minotaurs or dragons are far more rare.

Bull Procurement?

So, yeah. In cuckolding and hotwifing, the second guy is often called a bull.

  • He is not necessarily bi (although he may be—he is there primarily for the woman of the couple).
  • He knows up front the status and primacy of the couple (or not—some couples do look for a bull to take over and dominate the relationship).
  • Often a 100% transactional relationship.

The primary difference here is that there’s communication and that the relationship itself holds different expectations for the parties FROM THE BEGINNING.

They may be mutually using each other to get off.

They may become FWBs.

But whatever it is is usually discussed at the outset, rather than dating someone and dangling a relationship and equal footing, then slowly choking that option off through a series of couple-created rules that build as time goes on.

I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, ever. Or that feelings don’t spring up where there was originally a transactional agreement.

They do.

But it’s more of an exception than a rule in this case.

What are your thoughts?

Have you had experiences as a unicorn? A minotaur? A bull?

What about as the couple in any of these situations?

What have your experiences been? Have you had any positive experiences that transcended the problematic patterns noted here?

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


Which role is better?

To seduce someone, to feel desired, to have them want and need you?

Or to be on the other side, to be pursued, to feel yourself falling or sliding gracefully into the bliss of obsession and desire?

For me to be seduced, I need to feel the power of desire for ME—as an individual. not just for my breasts or my hips, but for the entirety of my being. And that takes someone getting to know me, which is a step in the seduction.

However, it’s my view that in order to be a good seducer, there needs to be an aspect of the seducer that is already seduced.

THEY need to be entranced. Led on by that desire, by their curiosity, by the need to see what is around the corner of this question, or what’s over the hill of that idea.

The very thing that make the seducer so enticing to me is when they have the strength to approach ad say “You have bewitched me, now I hope to return the favor.”

The power to admit that they have been seduced and to want to offer that same deliciously enveloping magic in return is what often makes them irresistible.

I love seducing people.

I love also being seduced.

For me, this is not an either/or question. I want to feel that I am both seducer and seduced at the same time.

What are your thoughts?

Do you prefer being seduced? Or seducing?

Do you see power inherent in one over the other? Do they fit in dominant or submissive roles (or other power labels) to you?

I’m looking forward to your perspectives.

Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay