Communication Is NOT The Most Important Part Of A Relationship—Kinky Or Otherwise

And this is coming from someone who teaches communication classes.

So, what’s the most important thing in a relationship?

Appreciating your partner. Truly. Deeply. Wonderfully.

Appreciate who they are as people.

Appreciate what they do for you.

Appreciate their character and drive.

Appreciate their quirks and foibles.

Because without that appreciation, you will run into communication killers—those things that will make your conversations into arguments and your collaborations into battles.

You’ll lose the benefit of the doubt to get you through stressful times, hurtful times.

You’ll try to make them over or run their lives or create rules like you might for a child, and well, that rarely goes over well.

And it shouldn’t.

And it’s not just appreciation for your partner.

You must have appreciation for you. Because unless you feel strength and contribution and the ability to make good choices, you will have a hard time truly appreciating your partner.

Because you won’t be sure you picked the right one. And doubts will eat at you and erode what you’d built.

And you won’t trust.

And communication (which IS critically important) won’t happen.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay

Dick Is Cheap

In January, I offered up the debate about which gender has the power, and Grafinya said:

“dick is cheap”

And she’s right.

It is.

Now YOUR dick might not be cheap.

Hell, none of mine are, since they are all medical grade silicone, and I am pretty choosey about where I put them and who I put them in.

But dick, as a basic commodity, is cheap.

Sure, some people may have a harder time getting dick than others.

Thing is, it’s not just cheap, it’s free. Offered regularly without really any effort on my part.

And I’m a fan of free and cheap. I love getting bargains. I love free stuff. I love thrifting.

I’m also a fan of Marie Kondo’s saying:

“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle. The best way to choose what to keep and what to throw away is to take each item in one’s hand and ask: Does this spark joy?

And even free and cheap things (maybe especially free and cheap things) must spark joy.

Grafinya also said:

“A guy showing up offering nothing but dick is cheap. A guy offering good dick + a desire to please his partner, intelligent conversation, good social skills, common interest and life goals is expensive and hard to find. Or as Flannery O’Connor put it, A good MAN is hard to find.”

I might say, a good human with a dick sparks joy, whether free, cheap, or easy.

I ask you…

What are your priorities in the people you meet and spend time with?

What is cheap to you? Dick? Pussy? Flattery? Small talk? Dates?

What is dear to you? What sparks joy? Friendship? Connection? Thoughtfulness?

What makes something more than cheap to you?

Love Is Dangerous When It Feels Scarce

Note that I said “feels scarce,” not “is scarce.”

That matters.

Because when someone is alone and does not feel a lack, love is not dangerous.

When someone is with many others, perhaps even beloved of them, but cannot feel that comfort, love is full of peril.

What are your thoughts on this?

I’m just musing today, and would love to read your thoughts on this topic.

*smiles*

Image by DarkWorkX from Pixabay

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

Emotional Vocabulary—Do you kilig, Bro?

kilig
the jittery fluttering feeling as you talk to someone you fancy

When we speak, our vocabulary often gives people an impression of us, especially what our intelligence quotient, or IQ, might be.

When we feel a full range of emotions, we are exhibiting our emotional quotient, or EQ, might be.

In a conversation this morning, Selene mentioned somebody with “the emotional range of a teaspoon.” It made me laugh.

We all know people like this, who live life in a small handful of emotions:

  • Happiness
  • Anger
  • Sadness

The problem with this simplicity of feeling is that if you are not happy, then you are sad or angry. Boredom becomes sadness. Conflicted become angry.

There is no room for contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, peacefulness…

There is also no clear distinction for joy, wonderment, ebullience, amazement, or bliss.

Anger is angry. Not peeved, or peckish, not frustrated or put-out. It’s also not ragey or furious or stormy.

And where might comfort, or compassion or meditative find their spot?

When everything becomes so simplistic, we actually live a less fulfilling life. We don’t even really get to EXPERIENCE the range of emotion, because we cannot describe it to ourselves and label those feeling, leaning into them.

And, even when we might experience them, we don’t have the opportunity to really embrace them and appreciate them. Like kilig. Now that you know there is a word for that, I bet you’ll recognize it when it comes around again.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows offers up words for things we never realized we had words for before, giving us a more layered look at life, like sonder or occhiolism.

Other languages bring us new concepts and ideas. Like Greek, and the types of love:

  • agape
  • eros
  • philia
  • philautia
  • storge
  • pragma
  • ludus
  • mania

Or check out this article on non-English words for emotions you never knew you had.

But, even within our own language, we have SO MANY options to choose from. Just check out this list (PDF): Ultimate List of Emotions

A Small Exercise

Pick an emotive word you rarely use, but that you have felt recently. Alternatively, pick a word that you love that you intend to identify in your life in the future.

Think about how feeling THAT word is different than a more simplistic word might be. How simply identifying the feeling differently gives you a more complex and accurate way to FEEL.

If you’re willing, share it (or several). smiles

I learned an emotion today that I plan to lean into:

Sukha (Sanskrit) – genuine lasting happiness independent of circumstances

What’s yours?

Image by Sol_Noblehart from Pixabay

Successful Relationships, Step 1: Pick The Right Person

Pick The Right Person

In my years of studying people in and out of relationships, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that stands out as more important than picking the right person to relationship with.

When we mesh with others in the most fundamental ways, we thrive.

When we are constantly having to battle to get our needs met, to be heard, to assert ourselves, we psychically waste away.

But sometimes, I think this idea is misunderstood, much like much of the sage advice given out about relationships and love.

People think the right person is THE ONE, or some sort of magical creature that will just “get us,” without any effort on our part. That they are a potential singularity amount the billions of people on earth, and finding that needle in a needle stack is a daunting challenge.

And, in some ways, it’s right. That’s what’s so insidious about the idea.

It’s not that they are the only one possible, but it feels like it once we do get it right, and many of us stop looking then. It DOES feel like magic, especially in the early stages, when a word connects us so simply and eagerly, augmented by hormones and lust and such. And each of us is totally unique. There will never be another JUST LIKE THIS ONE.

All true.

But also, not the whole truth.

The Right Partner will sometimes be The Wrong Partner.

Like last night, when my Pet of nearly 6 years realized that I’m not a huge fan of wasabi.

Good thing I had my boobs on display and could jiggle them a bit to remind him of the most important things in life.

Crisis averted!

On a more serious note, though, humans are complex creatures. We have layers and depths created from our many years of living, and SOMETHING is gonna come out (maybe after years, even decades of relationshipping) that is a potential deal breaker.

Or could develop.

  • Anger issues related to housework
  • Sex and intimacy issues
  • Perhaps we get silent and fume in response to feeling humiliated
  • Or have major insecurity issues related to _____

And these may never actually come up, until a relationship is long term, when the pressure is greater, and the investment of time and energy is higher.

And, let’s be real.

The shoe is often on the other foot.

Sometimes WE are The Wrong Partner.

For our very own special blend of reasons. And of course, it’s perfectly reasonable when it’s us. Except it’s no more reasonable than when it’s them. We just justify ourselves better (in general).

But even when we are wrong, our Right Partners might just stick around long enough for us to right ourselves, just as we might for them.

Through thick and thin, indeed. As long as thick is not abuse, and thin is not neglect, right?

It’s as simple as “Pick the right partner…”

…And as complex as actually doing that.

It’s looking for the right reactions to share in common, rather than the right movies.

It’s not ignoring red flags because we’re lonely.

It’s not being someone else or less than we are because we “don’t want to scare them off.”

It’s not doing what’s expected, because family.

It is being the right person, too (which is both authentic AND difficult mental work, all at the same time).

A Bit Of Public-Not-So-Public Humiliation

Public Humiliation

I was out Thursday night with friends at a new rolled ice cream place that encourages patrons to create post-it notes for the wall, and make their mark.

I added my own, and took photos, to show Pet I was thinking of my sweet little bonbon.

Bonbon is the affectionate nickname I’ve given his “tiny” penis.

(Note, his penis isn’t really tiny—just over average—but it is a grower, not a shower, and is humorously non-threatening when soft.

My sweet treat.

So, I created my “art,” posted it, and sent him the photos for fun.

An none were the wiser (except my friends, who know).

But it’s there.

In public.

For all to see, if they only knew.

And that’s how I like to do public humiliation.

It doesn’t violate consent.

It’s fun and creative.

And it makes me smile.

Do you practice any public-not-so-public humiliation?

Do you find ways to practice your D/s or kink in ways that others won’t notice, so you can enjoy yourselves wherever you are?

That ONE Thing You Didn’t Do

That ONE Thing You Didn't Do

I saw this meme on FB the other day. It said, “You can do 99 things for someone, and all they’ll remember is the one thing you didn’t do.”

It made me a little sick to my stomach.

Because I CAN see both sides. I know people who are constantly looking at life through, “Why didn’t I get this?” glasses. The ungrateful ones.

I also know what it means to have someone do 99 things for me, and have them all be the WRONG things, things that don’t matter. Things that don’t inspire me to feel loved, but instead inspire feelings of:

  • suffocation
  • micromanaging
  • being taken for granted
  • being unseen
  • being unheard

And regardless of your good intentions (if there are any), if what you do “for me” makes me less happy, in love, and overall satisfied with life than if you’d done nothing, well, then, I don’t want them, TYVM.

I’ll take the one thing that would show me you really care in a way I can receive it.

  • Instead of 99 gifts that you could buy for anyone, or that are all wrong for me, I’ll take the one small sketch you doodled during a meeting at work while you were thinking of me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you asked me where I was and what I was doing, I’ll take the one time, you asked me how my day went and really listened and shared with me.
  • Instead of the 99 times you told me the right way to do something, I’ll take the one time we learned something together, and both contributed to making the results better than we could have done separately.
  • Instead of “I love you” said 99 times, I’ll take that tipsy text late at night telling me how much I mean to you and how I make your life better in so many ways, how I make you feel loved beyond anything you’ve ever known, and how you hope I’m sleeping well, and this will be the first thing I read in the morning.

So, I get it. Both sides.

I choose to leave the ungrateful people out of my life.

And rewrite that meme:

You could do 99 things that don’t matter to some, and leave them wishing you’d done the one thing that DID matter.

Let’s Debate: Feelings Versus Actions In Love

Showing Love

I’ve written before that I Don’t Judge How Another Loves Me, and I believe this. I also say, though, that I do judge how someone makes me feel.

Or how they SHOW me that they love me in ways I can understand.

Someone can love you desperately with their feelings and still suck at loving you the way you need to be loved  with their actions.

I saw a saying like this on FB, and it really hit home for me.

After all, I think we’ve all made the mistake of doing the exact opposite of showing our love, even while we love deeply and fully and (dare I say?) desperately.

However, simply loving someone is not enough.

No matter how deeply.

No matter how desperately.

It’s far more important that they feel loved. At least to them.

And that brings us around to a few phrases that look at both side of this:

  • Treat people like you want to be treated.
  • No, treat people like THEY want to be treated (This is my preference, especially in D/s relationships).
  • It’s the thought that counts.
  • No, actions speak louder than words (How Do I Say…?).

And so on.

What do you think?

How much does the feeling matter, if the actions don’t back it up? Are “good intentions” enough? Is action a good indicator of feelings?

How do you gauge another’s intentions?

Image by pixel2013 on Pixabay