Leggo My Ego!

Ego: If you start believing your own greatness...

If you start believing in your greatness, it is the death of your creativity.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC, The Economist, Sep. 15, 2010

A lot of comments over the past couple weeks on my writings have focused in on ego and how it gets in the way of being a good dominant.

Mostly.

The thing I see, though, is that ego gets in the way of being a good ANYTHING—in kink and out. Dominant, sub, parent, employee, basketball player, politician… the list goes on.

Ego is brittle shell of what we want to be seen as, placed before who we truly, authentically are, getting in the way of…

Ego gets in the way of communication when we believe that what we are saying MUST be clear, and therefore our partner is being willfully obtuse or just plain stupid.

Continue reading “Leggo My Ego!”

A Tale Of Two Cocks

A Tale Of Two Cocks

I know these cocks. Two wonderful, amazing cocks. Each owns a perfectly average guy.

One cock, let’s call him S, owns a 5’9″ Italian guy with a cheeky smile and a dad bod.

The other cock, B, owns a wiry 6’1″ Latino man with a slouch, a shock of dark hair and a twinkle in his eye.

Their people are very different. S enjoys hiking all over the world, eschews carbs and alcohol (mostly), while B is a bit anti-social and loves nothing more than playing guitar, smoking “hippy lettuce,” and drinking vodka.

And both cocks LOVE sex.

Like, a lot.

S is about 7″ long, of average thickness, and can be a bit shy around more than one woman at a time (although he’s getting over that!).

B is 9″ long, about 7″ around, and gets hard when the fan blows him. Even in awkward situations.

Continue reading “A Tale Of Two Cocks”

A Labor Of Love & Kink: My New Book, Dating Kinky, Is FREE Oct 1-3, 2018

Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.

I first had the idea to write Dating Kinky about three years ago, before I started my kinky dating site, or even intended to create one. In fact, the site grew out of the book, even if the book took longer to reach completion.

And now, it’s here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Live.

And free, today and tomorrow, through Amazon kindle.

YAY!

Super-YAY!

I really wanted to write a book that offers real, approachable, and actionable information on how to put yourself out there and meet kinky folk, poly people, fetishists and more—without making it sound like some sort of uber-secret society with special handshakes and a 117-point process for determining whether you are “TWOO” enough to get in.

Some of the things I cover:

  • Writing your profile
  • Picking your best pictures
  • Safety and privacy online
  • The first message
  • Community
  • Rejection (giving and getting)
  • And more…

I’ve put a lot into this book for the kinky community, and so have others.

Taylor J. Mace of http://www.feistyfoxfilms.com wrote a chapter on “Protocol Across The Miles.”

Protocol Across The Miles, by Taylor J. Mace, excerpt from Dating Kinky

Alex W. of  http://SexologyBae.com co-wrote “Don’t Believe Everything You Think,” about examining our assumptions and our attractions.

Beyond The First Date,” by Rebecca Blanton, author of “The Big Workbook for Submissives,” from http://loveletterstoaunicorn.com and https://www.fatchicksontop.com is an entire section about entering the kink community and making the most of it.

Luna Matatas of http://lunamatatas.com wrote “Five Things I Ask Potential Dominants Or Submissives Pre-Date,” an insightful guide to getting to know how people think their kink.

Other amazing people, like Ferns, Michael C., David Shade, and Franklin Veaux also contributed with their knowledge and presence in my life.

It’s been an amazing journey to get to this point, and I’m excited to share this with you.

I hope you’ll enjoy “Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.” and share it with others!

US Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK
UK Link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GMTCMBK
DE Link: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07GMTCMBK
FR Link: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B07GMTCMBK
ES Link: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B07GMTCMBK
IT Link: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B07GMTCMBK
NL LInk: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B07GMTCMBK
JP Link: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B07GMTCMBK
BR Link: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B07GMTCMBK
CA Link: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07GMTCMBK
MX Link: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B07GMTCMBK
AU Link: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That

FUCKITY FUCK Locks

When it comes to dating, people often say, “Just be yourself. Just be authentic.”

The problem with that is that a lot of us suck as humans.

In people, there is no magical STEP-BY-STEP FUCKITY FUCK PROCESS. Humans are not combination locks, to be opened with a series of moves.

And so, we not-so-good-at-being-human humans miss out on the FUCKITY FUCK (or whatever goodness of humanity: hugs, smiles, cuddling, deep love, satisfying orgasms… whatever).

Continue reading “Just Be Yourself AND Be More Than That”

For A Happy And Healthy D/s Relationship, Embrace Discomfort

Embrace Discomfort

Embrace discomfort, what? Well, let’s look at the things that cause discomfort in most relationships, and in D/s even more so:

  • Admitting you’re wrong (now, and by extension every time you’ve been wrong in the past and quite likely ruined friendships/relationships as a result).
  • Rejection.
  • Talking about sexuality and consent.
  • Apologizing.
  • Growth (because it usually involves all those things up there and the ones to follow).
  • Self-reflection. When you either give your power to another or you take power over another, understanding your inner thoughts and reasons is even more critical.
  • Trying new things.
  • Creativity.

Any relationship, D/s or not, will stagnate over time unless it is consciously worked upon, and new ideas injected. In D/s, so much of our dynamics are based on pushing boundaries, creating new ways to explore our sexuality, and growing as people that discomfort needs to become, if not comfortable, at least not terrifying .

“Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!” —T. Harv Eker

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that comfort is bad. It’s not. We need our comfortable spaces, our comfortable thoughts, our comfortable routines.

And frankly. we should feel comfortable on a day to day basis with the people we love.

Comfort allows us to relax, and gives us the opportunity to process our experiences and learn from them, even as we prepare for more discomfort and growth to come.

It’s discomfort, though…

…that provides the spark of love, of curiosity, of excitement.

It’s what brings us together to begin with, exploring each other’s bodies and thoughts. It’s what makes us daydream about what we can do and be together.

In between comfort and discomfort is the trap: expectations.

Expectations are discomfort masquerading as comfort. We imagine we know what is going to or should happen, and that makes us feel better about what’s coming.

The more you embrace discomfort and let go of expectations in your D/s relationship, the more you can experience and share with your partner, creating an ever greater foundation of comfort together.

Are You A “MORE” Person?

More

This morning, Pet and I had each other for breakfast.

It was delicious.

Mmmm.

I digress. Damn. So distracting.

Anyway, we often spend some time together in the mornings, especially after date night with others, including bulls.

This morning, as he buried himself between my thighs, I talked dirty to him. Well, I talked “me” to him. That just happens to qualify as dirty to most, I’d guess.

Anyway, I told him what an amazing lover he is, how he pleases me so fucking well, and then I told him, “Give me more.” Continue reading “Are You A “MORE” Person?”

Online Kinky Dating: The First Message, Part I

The First Message

Hello, would you be interested in talking about a prison role play based around the strict UK system I spent sometime as an inmate recently and it got me thinking
— Anon

No.
—NookieNotes in reply to Anon

When people ask me questions about kinky dating, especially online, the number one question is usually something like this, “What do I say?” or  like, “How do I approach KinkyDreamBoopsie705 online, get their attention, and quite possibly make a connection?”

A good first message will contain the following elements:

  • Introduction
  • Interest
  • Respect
  • Potential connection
  • Invitation

Introduction. Who are you? I can’t tell you how many times people write to me without actually introducing themselves. Continue reading “Online Kinky Dating: The First Message, Part I”

Relationship Anarchy Has The BEST Ideas!

A venn diagram with two circles overlapping. And arrow pointing to the overlap says, "The sweet spot for friendship, love, romance, sexytimes, etc."

Now, don’t get me wrong. Relationship Anarchy are not the only way to do it right, and in fact, many practitioners probably screw things up at least as much as the national average.

I’ve written before that polyamory is not for everyone. And I mean it. Some people are inclined to be monogamous, and that’s cool. Some are not. That is also cool.

It’s about finding what works best for you and your partner(s).

So, back to some of these relationship anarchy core ideas.

Unlike many might believe from just hearing the term bandied about here and there in polyamory and other circles, it’s not an “anything goes” philosophy where what you do is all about you and blind to the effect on others.

Not at all. There are commitments and love and drama and fun and… well, let be a bit more clear, and just dive into it.

Put Yourself First

One of the core tenets of relationship anarchy is to put yourself first. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a way that honors the needs YOU have and allows you to help others meet their needs as well.

Romance Is Not Greater Than Friendship (or vice-versa)

Yesterday, I answered a call for sources for an article about why people might want to keep developing their friendships once they have a significant other. Like that’s a question that needs to be answered.

But even is that’s a no-brainer for you as it has been for me, you might still (like I have in the past) be putting your romantic relationship first pretty much always.

Relationship anarchists allow relationships to grow based on connection, not just on the concepts of sex and romantic love. Friend may often (and continually) take precedence over some romantic or sexual lovers, and that’s OK.

It also means that doing the things with friends we might normally do for/with lovers, like having a “date” night for connection, complimenting them, and being physically (not necessarily sexually) affectionate is OK, and lifts us up with companionship.

Relationship Anarchy Examines WHY

Why this relationship? Why this step?

The default relationship pattern we see in most of our culture has been given a moniker: The Relationship Escalator, because an escalator only goes one way:

  • Meet
  • Date
  • Commit
  • Marry
  • Kids

And so on…

Relationship anarchy chooses each step, and also makes the point that it is also perfectly acceptable to step back to a previous relationship style, or sideways into another, not just go blindly forward.

What about THIS person calls me to THIS relationship style?

Set Personal Boundaries (and keep them)

Relationship anarchy is more focused on personal boundaries in relationships, rather than rules.

Healthy personal boundaries are a positive focus.

“I choose this path for me,” rather than, “You’re not allowed to do that.”

It’s finding the sweet spot (see above), and realizing that two people will never FULLY overlap, but that OK. Awesome, even. You have things you enjoy together, and things that you enjoy apart.

Recognizing that allows people to grow and thrive as individuals, even within couplehood or polyhood.

The Takeaway

Again, I’ll point out that I’m not advocating one relationship style over another.

I’m saying that some of the precepts of RA can be valuable to any relationship style, and can help you grow as a single, a couple, or a group.

I Used To Desire “Hair”

When I'm 64

LOL! I can barely think about it without laughing out loud, even when I’m alone.

“Hair.”

My friend and I used to say that to each other with a knowing look when a boy with the right coiffure appeared in our line of sight.

It was a very specific look. Not long. In fact, short in the back, but with longish bangs that fell over the forehead and (*gasp* be still my beating heart!) maybe even one eye.

It was jaunty.

Young.

Smooooooth.

And it’s what I desired in a boy. Continue reading “I Used To Desire “Hair””

Poly-Wha? Ethical Non-Monogamy For Everyone

Polyamorous, open, swing, poly-fidelous, monogamish… so many ways to say that you enjoy ethical non-monogamy, or more than traditional one-on-one coupling.

But what does it all mean, and how does it all work?

In this class, we’ll discuss labels, relationship patterns, communication, communication, and communication.

It’s all about finding what works for you and your partners, once you step out of the relationship box and into ethical non-monogamy.