In January, I offered up the debate about which gender has the power, and Grafinya said:
“dick is cheap”
And she’s right.
Now YOUR dick might not be cheap.
Hell, none of mine are, since they are all medical grade silicone, and I am pretty choosey about where I put them and who I put them in.
But dick, as a basic commodity, is cheap.
Sure, some people may have a harder time getting dick than others.
Thing is, it’s not just cheap, it’s free. Offered regularly without really any effort on my part.
And I’m a fan of free and cheap. I love getting bargains. I love free stuff. I love thrifting.
I’m also a fan of Marie Kondo’s saying:
“Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle. The best way to choose what to keep and what to throw away is to take each item in one’s hand and ask: Does this spark joy?
And even free and cheap things (maybe especially free and cheap things) must spark joy.
Grafinya also said:
“A guy showing up offering nothing but dick is cheap. A guy offering good dick + a desire to please his partner, intelligent conversation, good social skills, common interest and life goals is expensive and hard to find. Or as Flannery O’Connor put it, A good MAN is hard to find.”
I might say, a good human with a dick sparks joy, whether free, cheap, or easy.
I ask you…
What are your priorities in the people you meet and spend time with?
What is cheap to you? Dick? Pussy? Flattery? Small talk? Dates?
What is dear to you? What sparks joy? Friendship? Connection? Thoughtfulness?
the jittery fluttering feeling as you talk to someone you fancy
When we speak, our vocabulary often gives people an impression of us, especially what our intelligence quotient, or IQ, might be.
When we feel a full range of emotions, we are exhibiting our emotional quotient, or EQ, might be.
In a conversation this morning, Selene mentioned somebody with “the emotional range of a teaspoon.” It made me laugh.
We all know people like this, who live life in a small handful of emotions:
The problem with this simplicity of feeling is that if you are not happy, then you are sad or angry. Boredom becomes sadness. Conflicted become angry.
There is no room for contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, peacefulness…
There is also no clear distinction for joy, wonderment, ebullience, amazement, or bliss.
Anger is angry. Not peeved, or peckish, not frustrated or put-out. It’s also not ragey or furious or stormy.
And where might comfort, or compassion or meditative find their spot?
When everything becomes so simplistic, we actually live a less fulfilling life. We don’t even really get to EXPERIENCE the range of emotion, because we cannot describe it to ourselves and label those feeling, leaning into them.
And, even when we might experience them, we don’t have the opportunity to really embrace them and appreciate them. Like kilig. Now that you know there is a word for that, I bet you’ll recognize it when it comes around again.
The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows offers up words for things we never realized we had words for before, giving us a more layered look at life, like sonder or occhiolism.
Other languages bring us new concepts and ideas. Like Greek, and the types of love:
In my years of studying people in and out of relationships, there is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that stands out as more important than picking the right person to relationship with.
When we mesh with others in the most fundamental ways, we thrive.
When we are constantly having to battle to get our needs met, to be heard, to assert ourselves, we psychically waste away.
But sometimes, I think this idea is misunderstood, much like much of the sage advice given out about relationships and love.
People think the right person is THE ONE, or some sort of magical creature that will just “get us,” without any effort on our part. That they are a potential singularity amount the billions of people on earth, and finding that needle in a needle stack is a daunting challenge.
And, in some ways, it’s right. That’s what’s so insidious about the idea.
It’s not that they are the only one possible, but it feels like it once we do get it right, and many of us stop looking then. It DOES feel like magic, especially in the early stages, when a word connects us so simply and eagerly, augmented by hormones and lust and such. And each of us is totally unique. There will never be another JUST LIKE THIS ONE.
But also, not the whole truth.
The Right Partner will sometimes be The Wrong Partner.
Like last night, when my Pet of nearly 6 years realized that I’m not a huge fan of wasabi.
Good thing I had my boobs on display and could jiggle them a bit to remind him of the most important things in life.
On a more serious note, though, humans are complex creatures. We have layers and depths created from our many years of living, and SOMETHING is gonna come out (maybe after years, even decades of relationshipping) that is a potential deal breaker.
Or could develop.
Anger issues related to housework
Sex and intimacy issues
Perhaps we get silent and fume in response to feeling humiliated
Or have major insecurity issues related to _____
And these may never actually come up, until a relationship is long term, when the pressure is greater, and the investment of time and energy is higher.
And, let’s be real.
The shoe is often on the other foot.
Sometimes WE are The Wrong Partner.
For our very own special blend of reasons. And of course, it’s perfectly reasonable when it’s us. Except it’s no more reasonable than when it’s them. We just justify ourselves better (in general).
But even when we are wrong, our Right Partners might just stick around long enough for us to right ourselves, just as we might for them.
Through thick and thin, indeed. As long as thick is not abuse, and thin is not neglect, right?
It’s as simple as “Pick the right partner…”
…And as complex as actually doing that.
It’s looking for the right reactions to share in common, rather than the right movies.
It’s not ignoring red flags because we’re lonely.
It’s not being someone else or less than we are because we “don’t want to scare them off.”
It’s not doing what’s expected, because family.
It is being the right person, too (which is both authentic AND difficult mental work, all at the same time).
This past weekend, I taught a communications class at the Submissive Safe Haven Symposium, and thanks to starting the class with a Q&A, we ventured into some territory and ideas that I’ve not really verbalized or taught before.
And one was pretty straightforward:
Communicating is simple. But because we’re human, we get in our own way.
I saw this meme on FB the other day. It said, “You can do 99 things for someone, and all they’ll remember is the one thing you didn’t do.”
It made me a little sick to my stomach.
Because I CAN see both sides. I know people who are constantly looking at life through, “Why didn’t I get this?” glasses. The ungrateful ones.
I also know what it means to have someone do 99 things for me, and have them all be the WRONG things, things that don’t matter. Things that don’t inspire me to feel loved, but instead inspire feelings of:
being taken for granted
And regardless of your good intentions (if there are any), if what you do “for me” makes me less happy, in love, and overall satisfied with life than if you’d done nothing, well, then, I don’t want them, TYVM.
I’ll take the one thing that would show me you really care in a way I can receive it.
Instead of 99 gifts that you could buy for anyone, or that are all wrong for me, I’ll take the one small sketch you doodled during a meeting at work while you were thinking of me.
Instead of the 99 times you asked me where I was and what I was doing, I’ll take the one time, you asked me how my day went and really listened and shared with me.
Instead of the 99 times you told me the right way to do something, I’ll take the one time we learned something together, and both contributed to making the results better than we could have done separately.
Instead of “I love you” said 99 times, I’ll take that tipsy text late at night telling me how much I mean to you and how I make your life better in so many ways, how I make you feel loved beyond anything you’ve ever known, and how you hope I’m sleeping well, and this will be the first thing I read in the morning.
So, I get it. Both sides.
I choose to leave the ungrateful people out of my life.
And rewrite that meme:
You could do 99 things that don’t matter to some, and leave them wishing you’d done the one thing that DID matter.