Do You Love Them, Or Only Who They Are Now (For You)?

A couple looking to be in their 60s or 70s parking in a jalopy.

I read an article in the New York Times a year or so ago that suggested that in order to love someone for a long period of time, we need to embrace the fact that we will change—both of us.

It spoke to me, deep down inside, but I’ve put off writing about it over and over and over again… a full year’s cycle (4 times, at least), until now.

Just this morning, without having looked at my writing calendar for a week of travel, I was speaking with a man I’ve known online for years, and just met this past weekend for lunch while I was in DC.

We were talking about sexual orientation and behavior and how they don’t always match up.

He said, “Of course if I discover otherwise, so be it.”

He meant that he thinks of himself as straight, with desires to be used by anyone… but if he finds out that he’s bi (whatever his inner-mind version of that is), he’s good with that, too. Continue reading “Do You Love Them, Or Only Who They Are Now (For You)?”

Do You Plan To Love?

A Plan To Love

I’ve been accused more than once (in concept, if not in direct quote) of “sucking the magic out of life,” with my thinking, planning and examining.

Luckily, it was most often by people I had no intention of ever being a relationship with.

I have been in relationships with people who have been exasperated by my analytical nature, and my insistence that there be thought put into the relationships we build, as well.

For most people the thought of creating an intentional relationship is odd, at best.

In the world of kink, it’s maybe a bit less so. After all, most power exchange includes some negotiations, even contracts, to make things as clear as possible.

Communication is a clear priority for many of us.

I’ve also long said that marriage would be better if it were for a contracted period of time, and revisited every so often, to renew and renegotiate.

So, imagine my surprise and glee when I saw an article in the New York Times about relationship contracts and making love and cohabitation an intentional process.

(I’ll copy the text from the link into the comments below, for those who may want to read, but have already reached their limit of free NYT posts this month, or whatever it is they do.)

Because I do plan to love.

I create my relationships intentionally.

I do not require them to go in a specific direction, but whatever direction they go in, I make sure there is space and consideration for all three parties:

  • Myself
  • My partner
  • The relationship

All need to grow. All need time and effort. All need space set aside for them.

I feel it’s my role as a dominant to consider all of these in my caretaking.

I’ve done something similar to what’s discussed in this article since I left my own marriage with varying results.

For me, it’s worked out well.

For others, it’s a mixed bag. There are a lot of people out there who want to fall in love with a mind reader, and have everything easy, without much effort.

Which is their right.

It’s just not compatible with my preferences.

What about you?

Do you prefer to just fall in love as it comes your way, and only deal with things as they come up, or do you plan to love?

I’m somewhere in the middle, as I enjoy the possibilities and the spontaneity, but probably lean more towards planning than anything else.

Do You “Test” Potential Partners? If So, How?

An image of one man peering into another man's ear.

“Your inner ear looks just fine. Excellent. So, that means you pass with flying colors. I’d officially like to ask you on a date, now.”

I have spent a lot of time in the PUA (Pick Up Artists) community. and I’ve learned a lot from them about people, and what people believe about other people—some of it accurate, some of it incredibly inaccurate, and a lot of it situational.

PUAs “test” women for specific characteristics that are indicative of enjoying casual sex. Continue reading “Do You “Test” Potential Partners? If So, How?”

Polyamory Is Not The Key To Being A Better Partner (Poly Is Not, Part XIII)

Polyamory Is Not... A Series

Polyamory and dating more people does not automatically make you better at it. If so, serial monogamists would grow in each relationship, ultimately ending up at coupled nirvana…

I mean, think about it. I’m pretty sure you know someone who’s been doing something for years, and still sucks at it. Maybe your co-worker. Time spent does not equal skill.

I’ve been singing my whole life. Joyously. Loudly. And I suck. I have not gotten better, because I don’t really care to get better. I don’t study it, I don’t think about improvement, I don’t practice. I just do it.

Poly is the same.

I’ve heard people saying really misleading things about polyamory, like:

“Once you start being poly, you will learn more about yourself than you ever did in monogamous relationships.”

Continue reading “Polyamory Is Not The Key To Being A Better Partner (Poly Is Not, Part XIII)”

When Do You Put In The Effort?


In a polyamory group I participate in, I had a very cool discussion about listening in relationships. Here’s how it went:


Do you expect your partners to provide emotional support/listen when you need to vent? If so, do you have that expectation towards all of your partners or just your primary/the person who is best at listening/etc? If not, how and where do you satisfy the need for said emotional support?

I’ve been told that it’s best not to expect anything from relationships and just take them for what they are, but I find this approach rather difficult to apply in real life. Especially with people who seem to expect emotional labour from me but aren’t willing or don’t have the skills to reciprocate.

My original response:

I don’t have specific expectations for interaction.

However, if a relationship with a partner does not make me fell like I get FAR more out of it than I put in (and the other should feel that way, also), I simply let it go. We’re not a fit.

OP responded:

So, essentially you want people who will willingly put the work in and listen without you having to ask for it?

My reply:

Sometimes. Everyone is different.

I will ask, if other things in the relationship give me reason to believe that they are worth the effort.

It’s very much a balance. Are they putting effort into me that shows that maybe their failings are simply not knowing better, rather than narcissism and selfishness?

OP asks again:

That’s interesting. So, let me know if I understand correctly: if someone is otherwise a good partner, you are willing to accept the fact that they’re not a great listener and not the best person to provide support and comfort you?

My reply:

Not at all.

I’m willing to accept the fact that they are not NOW a great listener, but with some gentle coaching and encouragement, might become one in pursuit of the relationship that we both share and enjoy.

Not listening is not just a flaw, it’s a sure sign to me (over time) that they actually don’t care what I have to say.

And sometimes, they just don’t know HOW to care, that way, or why. So I’ll say something, and see if they choose to move towards me or away with their response.

It’s about a balance of efforts. Do they make me feel good enough within the relationship that I’m willing to put in the effort to make it extraordinary?

I love discussions like this, because the questions help me dig deeper into my own reasoning, and clarify my thoughts.

In this case, it was a clear “A-HA” for me about when I put in the effort… and in the past 4 months or so since, I’ve seen this popping up with clear lines of demarcation in very many spaces (not just relationships).

What are your reactions to this discussion? When do you put in the effort?

It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well

Cure or Ill?

Medicine saves lives.

Used for ill, it can end them.

The same is true for kink and relationship advice. Even my own. Maybe especially my own.

I have said many times that I am nuerodivergent. My brain does not work like the ideal norm. This makes me a different thinker than most. And what works for me is not what will work or even be desired by others. Continue reading “It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well”

“The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.”

A crumpled piece of paper with the word "rubbish" written on it.

I mean, it’s kind of the point that the sub doesn’t have all the power. They don’t want it. They specifically want to give that up!


Who thinks up this drivel, and speeches it out like gospel so that new kinkies take it to heart and pass it on?

I’m in danger of spraining my optic nerve every time I read that drivel from some internet gobshite, due to my extreme eye roll.




And in case your logic centers are not firing, because you’re too excited for those NYE parties coming in a few hours, let me logic this out for you.

Continue reading ““The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.””