It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well

Cure or Ill?

Medicine saves lives.

Used for ill, it can end them.

The same is true for kink and relationship advice. Even my own. Maybe especially my own.

I have said many times that I am nuerodivergent. My brain does not work like the ideal norm. This makes me a different thinker than most. And what works for me is not what will work or even be desired by others. Continue reading “It’s A Rare Cure That Cannot Be Used For Ill As Well”

“The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.”

A crumpled piece of paper with the word "rubbish" written on it.

I mean, it’s kind of the point that the sub doesn’t have all the power. They don’t want it. They specifically want to give that up!

Seriously.

Who thinks up this drivel, and speeches it out like gospel so that new kinkies take it to heart and pass it on?

I’m in danger of spraining my optic nerve every time I read that drivel from some internet gobshite, due to my extreme eye roll.

STOP SAYING THAT.

Now.

Please.

And in case your logic centers are not firing, because you’re too excited for those NYE parties coming in a few hours, let me logic this out for you.

Continue reading ““The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.””

I Love You (When You’re Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships

Fingers holding a scrap of paper with the handwritten words, "To Me You're Perfect."

It’s an easy trap to fall into, to focus on the good in everyone.

It seems like the right thing to do.

See the good bits, focus on the happy times, let the negative stuff or “bad emotions” slide on by.

I see a lot of this in my friends, and I’ve seen it in myself as well.

It’s a societal thing:

Fetishization of the positive.

By focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative (except when it rears it’s ugly head and barfs in our Cheerios, demanding to be noticed, making us yell and fight and scream, until we can shove it back into it’s dark little cage in the corner and lock it back up, to be ignored…until the next blowup), we are teaching the people around us that they are not loved for who they are.

Continue reading “I Love You (When You’re Perfect) -OR- How Fetishization Of The Positive Ruins Our Relationships”

Let’s Debate: Is This OK?

Lying

I read this article A few months ago:

8 Lies I Tell My Husband (That Actually Make Our Marriage Stronger): Sometimes lying is far kinder than telling the absolute truth.

I also read the comments that went with it in the post I saw on FB, and they were sharply divided on whether or not she was doing the right thing.

If you don’t feel like reading the whole article, she justified the following lies:

1. “The sex was mind-blowing.”

It’s a “lie back and leave him to it” sort of situation… Marital harmony is worth a few white lies about his sexual prowess. Continue reading “Let’s Debate: Is This OK?”

I Don’t Judge How Another Loves Me

I Don't Judge How Another Loves Me

I am loved. By many.

Not loved or even disliked by many as well, but that doesn’t really matter much to me.

I am blessed. Or lucky. Or valuable enough. Or whatever it takes for me to receive an abundance of love. And whatever it is, I’m glad of it.

There was a time when I was not living in an abundance of love.

And it sucked.

I didn’t know it sucked. Or I didn’t know why it sucked, since I’d always been a bit of a loner, thanks to my ASPD. But I knew something was missing. I just didn’t have the skills to know exactly what that was.

And I did not feel loved, at least by my then-husband, the primary person in my life.

When we finally split up, and people asked me what happened, I said, “He didn’t love me as much as he loved to drink.”

I was wrong.

Not wrong on whether he loved me or not. I don’t really know how much he loved me then—the communication was broken, the addiction and manipulation and theft all got in the way of whatever we had.

I was wrong to judge his love for me.

People who love show and don’t show their love in many different ways. And their love can be blocked or hidden from expression by factors beyond their control, like alcoholism, mental illness, insecurity…

I don’t judge how another loves me. I do judge how I am shown.

It’s not whether you love/like me or not. It’s how you show me that you do.

It’s not whether I love/like you or not. It’s whether you FEEL that from me.

And so, again, it all boils down to communication. Can I transmit my feeling for you, to you? Can I make sure you understand? Can I do it in a way that you feel the maximum effect?

Right now, I feel love from many people in my life. And I’m thankful for that. I hope they, in turn, feel the same from me, in whatever capacity we connect.

Image by Gellinger on Pixabay

That Door? It’s There For You To Leave.

A venn diagram with two circles overlapping. And arrow pointing to the overlap says, "The sweet spot for friendship, love, romance, sexytimes, etc."

I believe in making it easy for people to step out of my life.

If they don’t want to be here with me, they shouldn’t be forced to.

By making it easy to leave, I like to think that it takes away the resentment that comes along with being stuck, and gives us the chance to really dig in and make things happen, with a worst case scenario being “Well, it’s easy to leave.”

And frankly, if someone does not want to be with me, I don’t want them there.

Or rather, I don’t want to force them there. I may want them, of course. Heck, I want a lot of things, but if I learn they don’t want me or like me as much as I like or want them, I don’t want them as hard anymore. Because part of a turn on for me is being liked and wanted. And that’s the sweet spot for me.

It’s about two people. Two sides. A door that goes both in and out.

And if you’re not ready to leave, but we’re not in the sweet spot? I’m cool with that, too. Let’s find another kind of relationship, where we are both on the same page, enjoying what we have together, in the sweet spot.

But if you’re wanting more than I do, and you won’t stop pushing me, or if you give me an ultimatum, or if you want me to chase you to validate your feelings, or whatever?

That’s what that door is there for. Use it.

Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps.

Your ____ always makes me smile.

My friend Pepper_Pots was teaching a class about the 5 love languages at The Venue (FetLife link) about two weeks ago, and she said this about compliments:

“Don’t just tell me I’m pretty over and over. The first time I’ll smile. After a while, it just gets tedious, and I won’t respond. Be more creative.”

Or something to that effect. She was discussing “Words of Affirmation,” one of the love languages.

Later, she and I talked a bit about how we feel about compliments, and what makes a compliment worth getting to us, and interestingly enough, my Pet and I had had a similar conversation just the day before, in relation to a shared event.

Today, a few more thoughts came together (from a Polyamory group on FB and some writings of David Shade), and I was inspired to write about it. *smiles*

1. Don’t bother with being smooth. Be authentic.

Actually, being authentic often (not always, for sure) comes across as being smooth, so you have a bonus there. Continue reading “Give Compliments. Lots of Compliments. Do It Right In 9 Easy Steps.”

Poly Relationships: “Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

Poly Relationships

So, I’m doing some professional-level procrastinating right now, and TheFerret popped up in my feed with this piece on poly relationships:

“Why Are You Poly People Always Yammering On About Polyamory?” (link to FetLife, requires sign-in)

I read it. And agreed, then went on to the comments, where I saw this:

ArrowBlue

What I hate is that every non kinky platform where I might mention the possibility that I’m not monogomous its always assumed disaster will occur.

Which got me thinking about something, so I popped over here to write a short piece quickly. Because, you know, I have work to do…

Anyway, my point is simple. I hear this a lot (or something like it):

“Most of the poly relationships I know fail.”

My response:

Most of the RELATIONSHIPS you know fail. I mean, really. How many of those monogamous relationships you and your friends have had have really lasted a lifetime?

Yeah. It’s called dating because not every relationship will last a lifetime.

And they are not all meant to.

Even marriages in the monogamous world don’t last forever. 53% of marriages end in divorce. (1) If you look at relationships in totality, the average number of years a relationship will last is 2.14/2.05 (male/female), though relationship length ranged from 1 to 108 months (9 years). (2)

So, there you have it. Numbers n’shit.

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography
(2) http://kinseyconfidential.org/womens-sexual-desire-declines-time-men/

How Do I Say…?

How Do I Say?

I cannot think of a single word, or series of words, no matter how long, that will convey everything I have inside my heart and my head for you.

Except one.

Our entire existence. From the moment we met. THAT is how I tell you all I want to say. My every look. My every action.

From that single moment, until the end of the future. My words and actions. For you.

That is my definition of love. My definition of adore, when it comes to you. I hope it is enough.

Image by Nietjuh on Pixabay