Oops! I Did It (Lied) Again!

You’re welcome for the earworm.

smiles

I don’t lie. Or, at least, I try not to. After all, I’ve been a liar in my life, and I’ve found that the truth, even when it sucks, leads me to living a better life.

So, when I lie, even unintentionally, I need to call myself on my bullshit.

That’s what I’m doing here.

My lie: I respond to every message I get.

It used to be true.

It still is my intention.

But it’s not the actual truth, and I know this because I have right now 280 social media messages I’ve not yet responded to.

One year ago, I cleared my inbox every day, and was horrified at the idea of having outstanding contacts.

I fell behind.

And this is WITH connecting with/answering dozens of people every day, I am still behind. And I’m struggling with the person I feel I am (answers my messages) and that reality (hasn’t answered 280 messages, probably 281 by now).

I’m not posting this with any sort of meta message. Or for pity or sympathy. Maybe for a bit of empathy…

Because we all know people who lie not because they mean to, but because they can’t keep up with their promises or because their hope is greater than their abilities.

Maybe you are one of us as well, sometimes, in some ways.

  • Maybe you promised to spend more time with your partner, but work is crushing you.
  • Maybe you told yourself that this time, this relationship would be different.
  • Maybe you assured someone that the work would get done on time.

So, I’mma be kind to myself and create a plan to tackle my lie.

Now that I’ve called me out on my bullshit.

If you have something you’re not doing or haven’t done that you said you would/could, feel free to join me.

Feel free to self-identify and share, if you’d like. Feel free to make a plan, and work it.

Or not.

This is really about me and what I have to do to live up to the me standards I set for myself.

Lies Of Omission And Lies Of Temporary Truth

In 2016, I pissed a metric fuckton of kinksters off with this writing:

Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior

While people made some good points about why I’m wrong, I still stand by what I wrote, and continue to discuss it when it’s an appropriate topic for conversation.

I also posted it in the Masterful Lover forums I’ve been a member of since 2007, and today, a new member found it, and asked the following:

To what extent does the “circle of lies” fall, which IF I understand correctly, includes not volunteering information?

Which got me going about lies and types of lies and some thoughts I’d not yet put into words.

1. OF COURSE we don’t tell everyone everything all of the time. That would be ridiculous.

I’m a very open person. The opposite of many, in that I am willing to share about 80% of my life with anyone who asks, and that left over 20% of me is incredibly private.

Most people are more wary, and the opposite. Sharing 20% of surface or superficial details, and keeping that 80% back.

In either case, though, it’s the same situation: You share whatever level you feel comfortable with whomever has earned that level of sharing by also sharing with you and by receiving your shares in a way you feel appropriate.

AND, when you don’t feel it’s right to share, simply say, “I’m not ready to share that information right now,” or, “Nunya.”

Simple.

2. As I said in Lies of Omission…, it’s a lie when omit the full truth when you know it’s pertinent to the other person, and you do it to avoid consequences.

“I won’t tell ___ because it will upset them.” “If I say ___ it will start a fight.”

And so on.

These phrases and ones like them are justifications for lying.

To go back to the quote I love so much from David Shade (paraphrased a bit):

“Don’t act out of fear, and don’t fail to act out of fear.”

THIS is a simple guide.

Do you FEAR telling this truth? Then you’re in danger of being disingenuous and lying.

Are you comfortable with your truth and just not yet ready to share with that person, because they have not proven themselves, AND you are willing to say so if they ask?

Then you are being truthful AND setting healthy boundaries.

3. Are you SURE your truth is TRUE?

This is where we often get tripped up. Sometimes we lie as much when we are attempting to tell our truths as when we cover things up.

Because we don’t THINK.

Because in the heat of the moment, we say things we don’t mean.

Because we have a knee-jerk reaction to a threat to our ego.

Think of an argument, when you say hurtful things to another.

Do you WANT to hurt them? Maybe in the moment.

But is that your TRUTH? You’re hurting. Do you really want the person you love to hurt, too?

Probably not.

Then that’s not your TRUTH.

So, you’re lying—or at least not communicating your truth.

Not intentionally, I’m sure. Heat of the moment, just blurted it out, and all that.

But effectively.

And you’re damaging yourself. And your relationship. And setting up something that may never be undone.

So don’t lie in defense. Or in reaction. Or in spite.

Think on what you want to say, then say it clearly and with the kind of love/compassion you feel for others—and that you would want them to use with you on any touchy subject.


Just a few thoughts on a Saturday morning. smiles

What are you thoughts on these or any other types of lying or reasons to lie?

People Lie

People Lie

People lie to me every day. In the strangest ways. I find it fascinating.

Because I don’t just write.

I read.

A LOT.

Every day.

I consciously set time aside to learn about things I’m interested in and things I have no (past) interest in. I want to know more about how the world works.

I also want to more about how people work.

So, I reach out and talk to people.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

Every day.

I estimated several years ago that I had talked to over 7,500 (new) people in one year.

Just talked.

Some conversations were short.

Many were not.

Some were in person. Some online online.

It’s grown since then.

This morning, alone, I’ve already answered 47 messages (email, FetLife), and I still have many more to go. 9 of them had already replied back at least once before I took a break.

I am fascinated by the human condition, and how we come to be the way we are and why we do what we do.

So, I ask questions in conversation (and obviously have conversations like this) to learn more.

What I’ve found:

People lie for all the reasons you think.

People also lie for all the reasons you’ve never thought of.

People lie about the things you’d expect.

People lie about the strangest, totally unfathomable things.

Or, replace “lie” with “act,” and it’s closer to the truth.

*smiles*

And so do I. And so do you.

Be we’re people. And people lie.

Ask Your Friends When They Want You To Lie To Them

The words: Ask Culture V. Guess Culture

Have you ever done this?

I mean, in kink, we ask near-strangers which pronouns they want us to use, or what gets them off, but the things we assume FAR outweigh the things we get concrete information for.

On my calendar for today was a topic about “Ask” versus “Guess” cultural behavior, and as I followed my referenced links (one of my own and one to a comment on a writing that had, in turn been linked to in a comment on one of my writings), I was reminded of a conversation I was having yesterday.

Continue reading “Ask Your Friends When They Want You To Lie To Them”

Of COURSE I Lie!

Of Course I Lie

I lie. I have written quite a few pieces about lying, and how it’s really just not acceptable, and people say to me, “But everyone lies,” like that is the perfect defense for lying.

It’s not.

“But you lie, Nookie! You just said so. Right up there! ^^^^”

Yes, you are right. I do lie.

I have never met a human that doesn’t lie sometimes. EVER. I have met humans that SAY they never lie. My experience with them proved otherwise every time. In fact, that seems to be the biggest lie of all.

I am, however, a recovering pathological liar, someone who compulsively told lies or fabricated information out of habit.

It was easy for me.

Now, I find lying in most ways to be very difficult. I’m terrible at it. People laugh at me.

Except in a few areas.

The Tall Tale

Oh, do I love to spin yarns! I love to tell stories, and use them as examples when I teach and to entertain. I use hyperbole. Often and on purpose, to make my points. This is a form of lying, as I’m not being 100% truthful in implying that maybe something is greater than it is. And it’s generally accepted as OK. But it’s still a lie, and I use it unrepentantly.

The Dramatization

I believe in drama. I use the word drama, despite knowing that people are hurt by it, because it perfectly describes a healthy part of human interaction. Drama, like hyperbole, can be a way to connect with those around you and with your own feelings.

I overdramatize a small pain, like soreness and stiffness from my workouts, to connect with people and make them laugh, while also showing how flawed I am. In fact, I said to someone one day that I often think I workout, JUST to have something to really complain about, because overall, my life is fucking amazing.

I do the same thing with lots of little things. I overdramatize them, I wallow in them, I share my misery, how. furious I am… All to the effect of highlighting to myself (and those I share this with) that I love life, and this too, shall pass.

The Take-Back

I mentor some people, and I lie to them. I say something incredibly shocking that has the potential of being true related to whatever point I want to make, I let it sink in, possibly even discuss it, then I take it back.

Most often, this is done in two ways: In a story, like the tall tale mentioned above, or in playing out a valid belief or stance I don’t personally take, to illustrate. I will say that it’s not mine, but I will spin it. Since it’s not mine, I am lying about the actual motivations/results/whatever, because I have no honest experience.

The Joke

My ex-husband said over and over that I had no sense of humor. It was one of the ways he manipulated and abused me.

And I’ll be honest, I can hold about 4-5 jokes in my head at one time, so I never have a joke to tell.

And I don’t have a comic’s brain. I just don’t think that way.

But I can lie to create humor.

I call @selene73 “The worst Personal Assistant ever,” because it is a lie, it makes us both laugh, it shocks others (especially when she’s standing next to me), and it is a constant reminder to her of her own journey of self-improvement.

Is she the worst PA ever? No, of course not. Although any PA who has to ask the boss “What are WE supposed to be doing on such-and-such date?” needs to brush up their skills. don’t you think?

LOL!

The Non-Answer

This is the biggie. All the others up there are perfectly welcome in my life, and part of me. This one… not so much.

The non-answer. Someone asks a question, and I answer the question’s words, but not their intent, because I feel uncomfortable.

When Pet and I first met, and we started with poly and cuckolding, I’d just had two relationships for a total of 20 years of my life. that were supposed to be. open and honest and poly, but included accusations of cheating and slutting around (I have never cheated in my life—never saw the point), so I was gun shy.

I was sure it was just another trap.

So, he would ask if I liked someone, a new man I was talking to, and I’d say that I had concerns about XYZ.

Which was true.

But that’s not what he wanted to know. He wanted to know if I felt chemistry, excitement, interest in a sexual or romantic way.

And that terrified me. So I lied by telling the truth and not answering the question.

This is a VERY difficult habit to break, and I’m working on breaking it by IMMEDIATELY answering the question fully to it’s spirit as soon as I realize.

I’ve gotten much better. I’m not perfect, yet.

Yes, I lie.

I admit it.

That does not stop the damage of lies in relationships.

It does not change that I feel lies are a submissive behavior. (To clarify, I don’t mean the behavior of submissives.)

It does not change that I am doing my best to be as honest as possible at all times with my words, deeds and intentions.

And that I want my friends to know that they can count on me for the truth.

So, when people respond on one of my writings about lies that even I lie, I say, “Of COURSE I lie. Everyone I know lies. That doesn’t make it right.”

That’s like saying that over 1,000,000 people bought Justin Bieber’s last album, so that proves he’s a great musician.

Previous Writings About Lies

NookieNote’s Collection Of Writings About Lies

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

The words "little white lies" in white overlaying a mushroom cloud.

I suggest this:

“Little white lies” are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let’s take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

You answer “They look awesome on you,” even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans. Continue reading “Lies, Damned Lies And Consent”

Lies of Omission…

My writing yesterday about telling the truth brings up a recurring theme.

When is it a lie to omit a full truth?

I’ve written before that it’s a lie when omit the full truth when you know it’s pertinent to the other person, and you do it to avoid consequences.

I still stand by that.

But, how can we tell, really? I mean, I can justify damn near anything, when I need to, and that makes for a very slippery slope.

So, when is omission not a lie? When is is RIGHT?

I have a few suggestions:

When it’s none of their business.

And this is often when we lie easily. because it’s an intrusion for them to ask, and we resent it, so we lie, instead of simply saying, “That’s none of your business,” or telling a partial truth.

Example: I go to a “Slave Hunt” in the spring. Once, a business associate asked me what I did over the weekend. I said, “I went out into the woods and hung out with friends. We camped and told dirty jokes around a fire.”

ALL TRUE.

Not all of the truth.

Because, frankly, that particular business associate had zero need to know that I flogged a naked “slave” tied to a post, surrounded by over 100 other like-minded people.

When it’s not your truth.

If it’s not your truth to tell, omitting it is not a lie.

However, I will say that there have been times, I have said, “I would ask _____, they know more about that situation than I do,” or “_____ dated so-and-so, perhaps they will have some insight,” without going into detail about why.

When it’s a risk to your life and liberty.

This is difficult, but it must be said. When telling the full truth would put you at risk of losing:

  • Your home.
  • Your job.
  • Your income (family putting you through college).

And etc.

I’m sure there are others. Perhaps you can add your own.

Just to be clear, I still don’t advocate lying. However, there are many ways you can tell the truth and not give it all away.

In fact, there is a word, paltering, which specifically applies: Telling the truth while misleading others, or leading them from a dangerous (to you) thought process to another.

There is a series of fantasy books, The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan (and Brandon Sanderson) that I used to read (and re-read the entire series) every holiday season when the new paperback would come out.

There was a sect of characters who could physically not tell a lie. It would not come out of their mouths… and yet, they could mislead and misdirect with the best of them. More, even, because they were know to be 100% truthful.

It’s a useful skill to have for those situations when it’s called for.

And yet, know your intentions.

Because lying with the truth is just as insidious as a flat-out-lie, and can seem even more harmful to those victims when (if) they discover it.

What are your thoughts on lying by omission?

My Name Is Nookie, And I Am A Recovering Liar

Hi. I’m Nookie.

Hi, Nookie.

I’m a recovering liar. I’ve been in recovery for ten years this December, and I’m very proud of myself.

Yay you, Nookie!

Yeah, thanks. I appreciate it. Here’s my story:

I enjoyed lying for most of my life. A lot. I mean, lying got me out of a crap ton of trouble.

It also helped me make friends.

As a child, I was quite introverted (still am, different effect, now), and I read a lot (still do), and spent a lot of time in my head (three for three). I didn’t have a lot of friends, and we moved every 2-3 years or so, so I didn’t have a chance to make and keep them for long stretches, either.

Lying allowed me to use my creativity to tell stories. This fascinated other children and adults, and gave us instant conversational topics and positive feedback.

Even when it wasn’t real. Especially when it wasn’t real.

This is how I started my addiction to lying.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-30s, and I was diagnosed on the ASPD spectrum that I even really realized it was a fault. My lies had literally until that point had no real consequences that could have shaken my behavior.

But I decided to make a real change in my life, and I realized as part of that process that I wanted to stop lying.

Because lying did the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish: It gave me friends who didn’t like me, they liked a fantasy version of me.

That meant, I did not get too close, or open up or whatever, because I couldn’t afford to get caught. So, I didn’t have many close friends.

And I wanted real friends. Lots of them.

I didn’t lie all the time or to everyone or about everything, so I figured it would be easy to stop.

It wasn’t.

Because once you start lying, it easily becomes second nature. Your version of a story becomes your automatic go-to truth. You lie without realizing it, then it’s incredibly embarrassing to fix that lie. Because, well, how, exactly do you say:

“Uh, well, I lied by accident there. I told you X because that’s what I tell everyone, but it’s not true. Y is true, and I’m sorry I lied.”

Just like that, really.

But it sucks.

Telling a lie immediately rewards the brain’s pleasure centers (of certain people) with a feeling of safety and relief (I am safe from trouble or anger or…) or joy for those who like fooling others (I got away with it, they don’t know!), which is incredibly addictive.

Lying is hard to overcome, even for those who want to, thanks to four primary issues:

  • Shame: John Bradshaw, a leading authority on addiction, believes that shame is the driving force behind addiction. Shame is recognition of wrongdoing, but without a separation of one’s self from the wrongful act. Shame processes mentally as “ I made a mistake and I cannot recover. I am a failure. I am defective,” rather than “I made a bad choice and acted badly. I need to change and make up for my mistake.”
  • Negative Consequences: People with addictions hope that things will work themselves out without them having to take any action. So they convince themselves that they can avoid the consequences associated with their bad choices. This avoidant coping style is common in addiction.
  • Criticism and Confrontation: Intense shame often makes it difficult for addicts to handle criticism, so they lie to avoid confrontation or other circumstances where criticism of them may arise.
  • Fear of Repercussions: Addicts at some level know that sooner or later they will have to change if they are to survive. But fear of the repercussions of returning to a state of honesty (shame, guilt, possible additional damage to relationships) makes it difficult to commit to this path until all possible options for avoidance have been exhausted.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because someone (who has asked to remain anonymous) wrote to me a few months ago, with the following:

I have read enough to know you don’t take kindly to lying, which I think might give you an interesting perspective.

If there is a violation of trust that involves a history of lying, is it possible to rebuild trust and move forward? How the heck do you do that without going insane? How can you deal with fears of the lies continuing or the potential end of the relationship? How do you determine if the relationship should change or end?

I responded.

So, if I were to look at lying as addictive behavior, then there might be more out there to research, since addiction is something people write about quite a bit.

And I do think the similarities are there.

The liar would need to take responsibility for their lies and want to change. You could not force a change, nor could you invest too much of yourself to make that change happen, without going a bit crazy.

Does that make sense?

And since that time, I’ve done some research on lying, and whether it is an addictive behavior.

It is.

It even has official terms:

  • Compulsive Lying
  • Reflex Fraud
  • Duping Delight (for taking joy from fooling others)

And different types of lies:

  • Denial is not limited to addiction. It is a subconscious, protective mechanism that the brain uses to prevent a mental “computer crash” when an experience is too traumatic to be processed immediately.
  • Lying is a deliberate changing of the truth, by either re-stating facts as something different, or by “adjusting” or leaving out certain portions.
  • Delusions are distortions of reality, akin to “wishful thinking,” where the mind subconsciously or unconsciously comes to believe that the self-created distortions are real – at least in the part of the mind where the addiction lives and thrives.

There are many people who lie, and for various reasons.

I have never met a person who has not ever told a lie, or who will not, given the right set of circumstances. You can tell a lie now and again for what you think are the right reasons, and still be a genuinely honest human, in my eyes.

There is a whole range from ‘genuinely honest human’ to ‘compulsive liar’ to ‘lies maliciously,’ though.

My personal lies were mostly harmless, but detrimental enough to me and my self image, and how I engaged in relationships that I KNEW I had to give them up to get more from life.

Some experts suggest a 12-step program for lying. I’m not much of a joiner, so I didn’t personally go that route.

I did what I do in any situation in which I want to learn a new skill (telling the truth as often as possible, in this case): I read books, I practiced. I failed. I learned to own up to it, I apologized, I took the hits, and I grew.

I started small by being radically honest online, with people I didn’t know, and who could reject me without actually affecting my life much. I build up my truth telling muscles for 6 months or so, then merged that into my offline life.

Nearly ten years later, I would count myself as one of the most ethical and honest people I know. Because I tell the truth with intent, now. It’s my new habit.

Some people would likely prefer that other me, to be honest. But she’s not welcome here any more.

For those who have liars in their lives…

I’ve been there.

Oh! There was this man. Beautiful. Sexy. Fun to be around… And he lied from the first moment. About everything. His age, when he sent me his first message. His parents (he was an orphan, oh wait, no he wasn’t). When he would arrive to take me out. Whether he had sex with others and whether he wore protection…

I don’t know what to say, really.

I dumped him, and fast. As soon as I ripped the blinders off. I had to, for my personal safety and that of those in my life.

Someone else, who lied about things that maybe weren’t as foundational? Or that I had spent more of my life with?

I still think it might be a deal breaker for me.

I grew. I changed. I am a different person, after all.

But, I ask myself, would I have done that, could I have done that, if I had people around me, cocooning me, being there for me?

I just don’t know.

I can only suggest, as I did before, look up everything you can on what it’s like to love an addict of any kind, and decide what you can and are willing to do.

I wish I had more for you, beyond actually starting this conversation. Maybe others will have views to share.

(Many points taken from: Liar, Liar: How to Break Free from Habitual Lying)

Let’s Debate: Is This OK?

Lying

I read this article A few months ago:

8 Lies I Tell My Husband (That Actually Make Our Marriage Stronger): Sometimes lying is far kinder than telling the absolute truth.

I also read the comments that went with it in the post I saw on FB, and they were sharply divided on whether or not she was doing the right thing.

If you don’t feel like reading the whole article, she justified the following lies:

1. “The sex was mind-blowing.”

It’s a “lie back and leave him to it” sort of situation… Marital harmony is worth a few white lies about his sexual prowess. Continue reading “Let’s Debate: Is This OK?”

Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior

Now, before you go all cray-cray on my ass, I am simply saying that lying is submissive behavior (versus dominant behavior), not that submissives lie.

Or, put another way:

In my view, you cannot be a Dominant and a liar.

Why?

Because when you lie, you are telling the world, “I do not have the confidence in myself to live life on my terms and with my truth.”

Instead, you are saying, “To get what I want, I have to trick others by manipulating their reality.”

Continue reading “Why Lying Is Submissive Behavior”