People Lie

People Lie

People lie to me every day. In the strangest ways. I find it fascinating.

Because I don’t just write.

I read.

A LOT.

Every day.

I consciously set time aside to learn about things I’m interested in and things I have no (past) interest in. I want to know more about how the world works.

I also want to more about how people work.

So, I reach out and talk to people.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

Every day.

I estimated several years ago that I had talked to over 7,500 (new) people in one year.

Just talked.

Some conversations were short.

Many were not.

Some were in person. Some online online.

It’s grown since then.

This morning, alone, I’ve already answered 47 messages (email, FetLife), and I still have many more to go. 9 of them had already replied back at least once before I took a break.

I am fascinated by the human condition, and how we come to be the way we are and why we do what we do.

So, I ask questions in conversation (and obviously have conversations like this) to learn more.

What I’ve found:

People lie for all the reasons you think.

People also lie for all the reasons you’ve never thought of.

People lie about the things you’d expect.

People lie about the strangest, totally unfathomable things.

Or, replace “lie” with “act,” and it’s closer to the truth.

*smiles*

And so do I. And so do you.

Be we’re people. And people lie.

Ask Your Friends When They Want You To Lie To Them

The words: Ask Culture V. Guess Culture

Have you ever done this?

I mean, in kink, we ask near-strangers which pronouns they want us to use, or what gets them off, but the things we assume FAR outweigh the things we get concrete information for.

On my calendar for today was a topic about “Ask” versus “Guess” cultural behavior, and as I followed my referenced links (one of my own and one to a comment on a writing that had, in turn been linked to in a comment on one of my writings), I was reminded of a conversation I was having yesterday.

Continue reading “Ask Your Friends When They Want You To Lie To Them”

Of COURSE I Lie!

Of Course I Lie

I lie. I have written quite a few pieces about lying, and how it’s really just not acceptable, and people say to me, “But everyone lies,” like that is the perfect defense for lying.

It’s not.

“But you lie, Nookie! You just said so. Right up there! ^^^^”

Yes, you are right. I do lie.

I have never met a human that doesn’t lie sometimes. EVER. I have met humans that SAY they never lie. My experience with them proved otherwise every time. In fact, that seems to be the biggest lie of all.

I am, however, a recovering pathological liar, someone who compulsively told lies or fabricated information out of habit.

It was easy for me.

Now, I find lying in most ways to be very difficult. I’m terrible at it. People laugh at me.

Except in a few areas.

The Tall Tale

Oh, do I love to spin yarns! I love to tell stories, and use them as examples when I teach and to entertain. I use hyperbole. Often and on purpose, to make my points. This is a form of lying, as I’m not being 100% truthful in implying that maybe something is greater than it is. And it’s generally accepted as OK. But it’s still a lie, and I use it unrepentantly.

The Dramatization

I believe in drama. I use the word drama, despite knowing that people are hurt by it, because it perfectly describes a healthy part of human interaction. Drama, like hyperbole, can be a way to connect with those around you and with your own feelings.

I overdramatize a small pain, like soreness and stiffness from my workouts, to connect with people and make them laugh, while also showing how flawed I am. In fact, I said to someone one day that I often think I workout, JUST to have something to really complain about, because overall, my life is fucking amazing.

I do the same thing with lots of little things. I overdramatize them, I wallow in them, I share my misery, how. furious I am… All to the effect of highlighting to myself (and those I share this with) that I love life, and this too, shall pass.

The Take-Back

I mentor some people, and I lie to them. I say something incredibly shocking that has the potential of being true related to whatever point I want to make, I let it sink in, possibly even discuss it, then I take it back.

Most often, this is done in two ways: In a story, like the tall tale mentioned above, or in playing out a valid belief or stance I don’t personally take, to illustrate. I will say that it’s not mine, but I will spin it. Since it’s not mine, I am lying about the actual motivations/results/whatever, because I have no honest experience.

The Joke

My ex-husband said over and over that I had no sense of humor. It was one of the ways he manipulated and abused me.

And I’ll be honest, I can hold about 4-5 jokes in my head at one time, so I never have a joke to tell.

And I don’t have a comic’s brain. I just don’t think that way.

But I can lie to create humor.

I call @selene73 “The worst Personal Assistant ever,” because it is a lie, it makes us both laugh, it shocks others (especially when she’s standing next to me), and it is a constant reminder to her of her own journey of self-improvement.

Is she the worst PA ever? No, of course not. Although any PA who has to ask the boss “What are WE supposed to be doing on such-and-such date?” needs to brush up their skills. don’t you think?

LOL!

The Non-Answer

This is the biggie. All the others up there are perfectly welcome in my life, and part of me. This one… not so much.

The non-answer. Someone asks a question, and I answer the question’s words, but not their intent, because I feel uncomfortable.

When Pet and I first met, and we started with poly and cuckolding, I’d just had two relationships for a total of 20 years of my life. that were supposed to be. open and honest and poly, but included accusations of cheating and slutting around (I have never cheated in my life—never saw the point), so I was gun shy.

I was sure it was just another trap.

So, he would ask if I liked someone, a new man I was talking to, and I’d say that I had concerns about XYZ.

Which was true.

But that’s not what he wanted to know. He wanted to know if I felt chemistry, excitement, interest in a sexual or romantic way.

And that terrified me. So I lied by telling the truth and not answering the question.

This is a VERY difficult habit to break, and I’m working on breaking it by IMMEDIATELY answering the question fully to it’s spirit as soon as I realize.

I’ve gotten much better. I’m not perfect, yet.

Yes, I lie.

I admit it.

That does not stop the damage of lies in relationships.

It does not change that I feel lies are a submissive behavior. (To clarify, I don’t mean the behavior of submissives.)

It does not change that I am doing my best to be as honest as possible at all times with my words, deeds and intentions.

And that I want my friends to know that they can count on me for the truth.

So, when people respond on one of my writings about lies that even I lie, I say, “Of COURSE I lie. Everyone I know lies. That doesn’t make it right.”

That’s like saying that over 1,000,000 people bought Justin Bieber’s last album, so that proves he’s a great musician.

Previous Writings About Lies

NookieNote’s Collection Of Writings About Lies

Lies, Damned Lies And Consent

The words "little white lies" in white overlaying a mushroom cloud.

I suggest this:

“Little white lies” are anything but, every lie is a damned lie, and every lie creates a violation of consent.

Here is my reasoning:

Let’s take a very small thing, not the obvious lie of cheating or something like that.

“Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”

You answer “They look awesome on you,” even though they are not flattering to them at all.

They beam and buy the jeans. Continue reading “Lies, Damned Lies And Consent”

Let’s Debate: Is This OK?

Lying

I read this article A few months ago:

8 Lies I Tell My Husband (That Actually Make Our Marriage Stronger): Sometimes lying is far kinder than telling the absolute truth.

I also read the comments that went with it in the post I saw on FB, and they were sharply divided on whether or not she was doing the right thing.

If you don’t feel like reading the whole article, she justified the following lies:

1. “The sex was mind-blowing.”

It’s a “lie back and leave him to it” sort of situation… Marital harmony is worth a few white lies about his sexual prowess. Continue reading “Let’s Debate: Is This OK?”