Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?

Someone recently asked in a comment about confidentiality in kink as related to professional mental health care:

I have never heard of confidentiality being discussed in kink as part of informed consent. Do you think there is a place for it? Just curious…

Professional confidentiality? No.

Casual confidentiality? Yes.

To go into detail, what is required of a professional is above and beyond what is required of casual interactions, especially those where confidentiality is not discussed or negotiated.

And, just as the legal system cannot force spouses to testify against each other, I would never expect anyone to withhold personal kink experiences and details from their friends or family, unless specifically discussed.

That said, I do not share information casually.

Continue reading “Confidentiality In Kink? How Do You Do It?”

“I Don’t Want To Carry Tales.”

And that’s why they didn’t tell me.

That this person had a past. A dark past. One that could affect me and people I love and protect.

Because, “I don’t want to carry tales.”

Because, “Well, I figured it was sour grapes.”

Because, “I was never involved first hand.”

Because, “Well this other person was acting jealous.”

Because, “The victim asked me not to say anything.”

So, they didn’t tell me.

Would it have made a difference?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I would have known that there was something, even if I didn’t believe, I would have known.

I would have had the ability to consent, knowing, instead of consenting with no knowledge whatsoever, thinking everything was peachy-keen.

Until it wasn’t.

One of the greatest hurts of my life was finding out that someone I loved and trusted did not want to carry tales, when knowing what they knew when they knew could have saved me, could have saved my partner at the time…

Or maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference.

But I would have known.

So, what is the answer?

I don’t know, definitively. I know that different people feel differently. I tend to approach it like this:

“Hey, I know something about this person that you may not know. You may want to know it, you may not. It could be considered negative. Would you like me to tell you, even though it’s just [my experience/something I’ve heard/possibly ancient history]?”

Then, they can consent or not. If they do not, I simply say, “Ok. If you ever change your mind, I’m happy to share.”

What do you do? Do you always want to know or do you prefer that they keep it to themselves, so you can form your own opinion from their current words and actions?

Let’s Talk About References…

Kinky References

So, in a lot of writings here on Fet and elsewhere, I constantly see notes about vetting the people you play with and checking references. I even wrote about it.

On another site, a young lady who was new to a town wanted to get some ideas on how best to check the experience of a Dom who was courting her.

She go the usual suggestions, then someone said something along the lines of:

I don’t check references, and I don’t trust people who speak of references. I do just fine on my own, thank you.

Granted, this is not a word-for word, but it does pretty much cover the concept as I read it, which got me thinking. And of course, once one person says something, all the others who are against or just not for references chime is as well.

And they make some valid points. And I thought of some other things that are rarely discussed myself, so I thought I’d write this. Continue reading “Let’s Talk About References…”

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Unused references are like spilled milk.

Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them. Continue reading “References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!”