I’m Writing About Anal Porn…

A Is For Anal

My new book, The Big Book of Ass, has a chapter titled, “Well, they do it in porn, don’t they?”

In this chapter, I talk about how even porn stars don’t do what they do without A LOT of prep and training (not to mention the “behind the scenes, between-takes stuff), and then days, even weeks of recovery after intense scenes.

Yesterday, I was approached by a man commenting about one of my pictures and posing a question to me:

“Ok so in this picture you have a cuck who I assume you never had sex with but let him worship your feet to some degree. You’re an absolute image, truly gorgeous and from what I can tell a high calibre domme and human being in general. This cuck would love to be inside you but he didn’t (again assuming), he only got your feet.”

“…the thought of being restricted to only be allowed a certain level of intimacy is seriously messing with my mind.”

“When you’re with a sub/cuck do you truly believe they are less than you? Not sure if I can handle the answer.”

I battle this every day on behalf of myself and on behalf of kink.

What you see in porn and online fantasy is GREAT, but it’s not real.

It’s no more real than Jackie Chan being ACTUALLY drunk in Drunken Master. It’s got the same basis in reality that Hans Solo or Jabba does.

Continue reading “I’m Writing About Anal Porn…”

You’re Making Dominance HARDER For Yourself, You Know…

Stop Making Dominance Harder

Dominance is easy.

Dominance is natural.

It isn’t hard or stressful or a chore.

Well, if you’re a dominant, that’s how it should be. Unfortunately, I see a pattern in so many people who choose to self-identify as dominant. A pattern of making dominance more difficult than it is.

They make their job harder than it needs to by not gathering information about their partners. They challenge themselves to be a leader by blustering in and saying, “I have all the answers and I am going to call all the shots!”

They are trying to know it all without listening their subjects. They’re trying to have the perfect answer without even knowing what the question is.

Yes, a dominant leads and calls the shots, but the more you understand those you lead, the better and more consistent your decisions will be.

Why make your job more difficult?

A dominant leader is first and foremost (in my mind) an excellent observer and an attentive listener.

This is what makes a dominant best able to lead. To choose the right reward for behavior. To know which words make them squirm with lust and which cut them harshly in reprimand. To grok their deepest fantasies, and be able to bring them to life in your own style, to tie them to you for now or for forever.

None of this is possible if you don’t pay attention.

You can’t fake it.

In other words, quit trying to be right to your partner all the time.

Focus on understanding what is right for your partner, so you can’t help but embody that as part of your dominance.

A Labor Of Love & Kink: My New Book, Dating Kinky, Is FREE Oct 1-3, 2018

Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.

I first had the idea to write Dating Kinky about three years ago, before I started my kinky dating site, or even intended to create one. In fact, the site grew out of the book, even if the book took longer to reach completion.

And now, it’s here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Live.

And free, today and tomorrow, through Amazon kindle.

YAY!

Super-YAY!

I really wanted to write a book that offers real, approachable, and actionable information on how to put yourself out there and meet kinky folk, poly people, fetishists and more—without making it sound like some sort of uber-secret society with special handshakes and a 117-point process for determining whether you are “TWOO” enough to get in.

Some of the things I cover:

  • Writing your profile
  • Picking your best pictures
  • Safety and privacy online
  • The first message
  • Community
  • Rejection (giving and getting)
  • And more…

I’ve put a lot into this book for the kinky community, and so have others.

Taylor J. Mace of http://www.feistyfoxfilms.com wrote a chapter on “Protocol Across The Miles.”

Protocol Across The Miles, by Taylor J. Mace, excerpt from Dating Kinky

Alex W. of  http://SexologyBae.com co-wrote “Don’t Believe Everything You Think,” about examining our assumptions and our attractions.

Beyond The First Date,” by Rebecca Blanton, author of “The Big Workbook for Submissives,” from http://loveletterstoaunicorn.com and https://www.fatchicksontop.com is an entire section about entering the kink community and making the most of it.

Luna Matatas of http://lunamatatas.com wrote “Five Things I Ask Potential Dominants Or Submissives Pre-Date,” an insightful guide to getting to know how people think their kink.

Other amazing people, like Ferns, Michael C., David Shade, and Franklin Veaux also contributed with their knowledge and presence in my life.

It’s been an amazing journey to get to this point, and I’m excited to share this with you.

I hope you’ll enjoy “Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.” and share it with others!

US Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK
UK Link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GMTCMBK
DE Link: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07GMTCMBK
FR Link: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B07GMTCMBK
ES Link: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B07GMTCMBK
IT Link: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B07GMTCMBK
NL LInk: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B07GMTCMBK
JP Link: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B07GMTCMBK
BR Link: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B07GMTCMBK
CA Link: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07GMTCMBK
MX Link: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B07GMTCMBK
AU Link: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07GMTCMBK

People Lie

People Lie

People lie to me every day. In the strangest ways. I find it fascinating.

Because I don’t just write.

I read.

A LOT.

Every day.

I consciously set time aside to learn about things I’m interested in and things I have no (past) interest in. I want to know more about how the world works.

I also want to more about how people work.

So, I reach out and talk to people.

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

Every day.

I estimated several years ago that I had talked to over 7,500 (new) people in one year.

Just talked.

Some conversations were short.

Many were not.

Some were in person. Some online online.

It’s grown since then.

This morning, alone, I’ve already answered 47 messages (email, FetLife), and I still have many more to go. 9 of them had already replied back at least once before I took a break.

I am fascinated by the human condition, and how we come to be the way we are and why we do what we do.

So, I ask questions in conversation (and obviously have conversations like this) to learn more.

What I’ve found:

People lie for all the reasons you think.

People also lie for all the reasons you’ve never thought of.

People lie about the things you’d expect.

People lie about the strangest, totally unfathomable things.

Or, replace “lie” with “act,” and it’s closer to the truth.

*smiles*

And so do I. And so do you.

Be we’re people. And people lie.

Offer A Hug: Be The Change You Want To See In The World

Offer A Hug!

This morning as I was poking around on my twitter, I stumbled across this tweet thread:

Offer A Hug

This is a thing. I personally grew up with a very physically affectionate mother, and touch is natural to me.

As natural as breathing.

When I meet people, I always offer a hug, instead of a handshake or basic greeting. Even in business.

Let me clear: I don’t dive in for the embrace. I give them the OPTION.

90%+ take it.

Now, as a woman, I do have an advantage of not seeming creepy to most. However, I know men who offer a hug, too.

“I’m a hugger. Do you prefer hugs or another greeting?”

Of course, not ever expecting to sexualize it helps.

BE THE CHANGE.

YMMV. Perhaps start small.

Friends.

“I’m on a mission to hug more and spread joy. You with me?”

I know it will not work for everyone with every person. When it does, though, we all benefit.

The Power Of Expectations

Power of Expectations

My life has for the past couple of days decided to show me the power of expectations.

Life does these things sometimes.

Decides to smack me upside the head with a certain concept until I’m clear, usually when a writing topic is coming up on my calendar.

I didn’t see it coming, and I should have.

Back in April, I was having a conversation with a man who complained quite a bit about people on FetLife being fakes and “full of shit.”

I told him that was not my experience, overall.

He suggested I send some “action” his way. I declined. He then got a bit snippy with me, so I said:

It explains a lot. You treat your interactions with people on here as disposable, and not worth keeping. No wonder people don’t feel connected to you.

I know I don’t feel connected to you, even after a month of back and forth.

I’ll wish you the best in everything you do.

His response:

Lol funny but hey I am sorry my loss. Yes this website is not that important and I admit I could care less about the interactions on here. I honestly do not give a damn. This is all entertainment and funny stuff.

Con now let’s be real this place is a disease speeding bottom feeding meat market. People looking for self esteem they can’t find in the real lives very few exceptions of course. Oh well

He then blocked me.

I saved the messages URL and I scheduled a writing, “You get what you give/expect.”

This week, I’ve had two more experiences.

A man wrote to me praising my writing and me, asking me to do a writing about how many fakes and selfish doms there are on FetLife, and when I demurred, called me a fake and a BSer, and a liar and a narcissist.

Another on Collarspace wrote:

Everything you have been taught goes out the window tonight bitch Get down on your knees and worship your Superior NOW
And if you cant handle it, run to the ignore button coward

I told him my kinks were not compatible with him and wished him the best.

Dont lie. You dont wish me well at all. You women are all the same. Condescending , supercilious bitches

I asked, “Why would I not?”

Because youre a female.

I told him, “Well, believing the way you do only blinds you to the good will around you. That’s not on me. I won’t respond again.”

please respond again, Ill be nice

Neither of these guys had a chance. I won’t pretend they did.

However, both also came in ready for a fight, and did their best to make it happen, because of their expectations.

Yesterday, I came across this amazing NPR article, Can You Affect Another Person’s Behavior With Your Thoughts?

In this piece, the science of expectations is explored, and how what we expect from others colors our behaviors towards them, often shifting their actions in ways we might never think of.

I scheduled it to write on February 12, with the title “The Power of Expectations,” then went to a meeting, where we discussed the business strategy of “rising to expectations,” rather than “sinking into the morass of lowest-common-denominator.”

Seems life was being obvious again, while I was being oblivious.

And then, today, I sit down to write.

“You get what you give/expect” was right there, waiting for me. 

I’m guessing this is a lesson I need to learn more deeply. 

I know I’ve been guilty of expecting less from someone than they could/would offer. I know I’ve expected less of the world than it can provide. I was called on it yesterday by someone FAR more successful than I. 

So, today I’m sharing my life lesson with you, in case you are sometimes as boneheaded as I can be, and you’re stabbing yourself in the foot with your expectations. 

Or, maybe you’re just not using higher expectations of yourself and those around you to your advantage. 

What do you think? 

The Language of Survival, The Language of Trust

Language of Trust

Each of us has a language of survival that we create as we grow up. We have a language of trust as well. In some, the language of trust has a huge vocabulary, and covers many varied situations.

They/we are the lucky ones.

CW: mentions of abuse

In some, the language of survival is the strongest, most nuanced, and pervasive language they understand.

Language of Trust

This conversation clearly shows the deleterious effects of languages of survival.

And as newvagabond points out, even knowing intellectually that they are safe is not enough.

The language of trust in their head is too small to overpower the survival mechanisms they’ve developed.

And if you live and love, you will meet these people. Perhaps you are these people.

And you could, if you choose, help them create their language of trust, by offering your own to them, and being a safe space.

Here are a few ways:

  • Validate. This does not always mean saying, “you’re right,” instead showing that they have the right to feel they way they feel. This means accepting and loving them for their fears as well as for their strengths.
  • Reassure. Speak to them of your OK-ness with their concerns.
  • Offer touch. Often, touch is as compelling, sometimes more, than the words. MAKE SURE THEY CONSENT. For those for whom touch is a part of their trauma, touch without consent can make things MUCH worse.
  • Be patient. Don’t speak the words, but project the opposite. Actually be patient. We all have things to learn. You may be an expert at trust and being not-afraid. Great! Use that with them. As with any language, it may take years to become fluent in trust with you and with others… or like me and Russian, they may never get it. That’s OK, too.
  • Understand this is not personal. It’s not YOU. It’s survival reactions to past lived-experiences. Also understand that as you hold your space safe for them, you are creating a language of trust with them as well. They KNOW/HOPE they are safe with you, or they would not choose to be with you, to put themselves in harms way. Their survival brain, though, doesn’t feel it. Like when you are safe at home, and a pan drops suddenly in the kitchen,a nd you jump, because WTF!?!? and it takes a while for your heart to slow down…instinct. It’s a bitch.

Last year, I wrote a piece about communication breakdowns when partners aren’t safe. I think that’s also a good reference to read. That one is also how we can add to their language of survival, often, even, without realizing the damage we’re doing.

How do you create your language of trust with your partners?

Or… on the other side, how does your language of survival affect you and your relationships long after the original behaviors that created it have past?

What You Say Versus How You Say It…Matters

What You Say Versus How You Say It

Last year, I wrote a piece about consent. This morning, I got a comment on FetLife on that piece saying: 

“…the type of consent you’re describing:

‘Do you like when I do this? Would you like more? What if I move lower? May I touch you here?’

Would be a boring turnoff to everyone I’ve ever played with who I can think of. That’s service topping, which is fine, but plenty of people don’t want service topping.”

SirDudeTheBrutal on FetLife

The conversation has continued. You can see it in this thread, if you’re curious: https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/4759575

There is a Huge difference between:

And this:

Because HOW we speak words matters.

Now, maybe neither of those audios really do it for you, or the consent idea is not your thing.

And that’s OK. I’m not out to be appealing to everyone in the world. (I don’t have the energy to fight y’all off, anyway! LOL!)

This is really about how we communicate.

Here’s another example I’ve used before:

I’m Your Man, Michael Bublé

Versus:

I’m You Man, Bill Pritchard

I was SUPER excited when I found out Michael was releasing a version of “I’m Your Man,” because I LOVED Bill Pritchard’s version from “I’m Your Fan.”

Unfortunately, I found Michael’s version felt whiny and entitled to me, while Bill Pritchard’s version feels like surrender from a place of strength…

Same words.

Different ways of saying them.

What you say matters.

How you say it also matters.

A Different Definition Of Consent: To Feel Together

Consent: To Feel Together

I actually had this topic on my calendar for Tuesday, and today’s topic was a follow-up on a consent writing I did back in November of last year: Why Do We Think Consent Isn’t Sexy?

And this didn’t get written, because reasons, and today’s topic I’m not QUITE ready for. Not so un-ready that I’m pushing it off until February (yet), but not yet ready to write.

And besides, I think today’s topic is better to write first.

I have a daily ritual of spending at least 15 minutes every day reading something to make me think. To help me grow as a person, in my business, whatever. I often try to read things WAY outside of my normal topics, so I can bring ideas and inspiration back.

Some time ago, I was doing just that, and I came across an awesome concept.

The etymology (did you catch yesterday that I’ve been a word geek from WAYYY back?) of consent includes consentire.

Consentire, in Latin, means “to feel together.”

I quite like that.

Because it suggests that we should view consent not as the simple acquisition of “yes,” but as a building of experiences with ALL parties in mind.

If consent is simply about getting a “yes,” or agreement to forge ahead, we have to constantly keep an eye on power imbalances and what those can mean to implied or coerced consent.

Feeling together, however, means creating an experience, which requires attention, mirroring, and empathy towards the other/others sharing that experience.

While I still love checking in for consent as I go, as mentioned in my previous writing), I know that as my relationships deepen, I “feel together” far more often, and with great joy.

And I’m guessing that many who report NOT getting constant consent and yet having happy healthy relationships also do, too.

Which is beautiful.

For A Happy And Healthy D/s Relationship, Embrace Discomfort

Embrace Discomfort

Embrace discomfort, what? Well, let’s look at the things that cause discomfort in most relationships, and in D/s even more so:

  • Admitting you’re wrong (now, and by extension every time you’ve been wrong in the past and quite likely ruined friendships/relationships as a result).
  • Rejection.
  • Talking about sexuality and consent.
  • Apologizing.
  • Growth (because it usually involves all those things up there and the ones to follow).
  • Self-reflection. When you either give your power to another or you take power over another, understanding your inner thoughts and reasons is even more critical.
  • Trying new things.
  • Creativity.

Any relationship, D/s or not, will stagnate over time unless it is consciously worked upon, and new ideas injected. In D/s, so much of our dynamics are based on pushing boundaries, creating new ways to explore our sexuality, and growing as people that discomfort needs to become, if not comfortable, at least not terrifying .

“Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!” —T. Harv Eker

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that comfort is bad. It’s not. We need our comfortable spaces, our comfortable thoughts, our comfortable routines.

And frankly. we should feel comfortable on a day to day basis with the people we love.

Comfort allows us to relax, and gives us the opportunity to process our experiences and learn from them, even as we prepare for more discomfort and growth to come.

It’s discomfort, though…

…that provides the spark of love, of curiosity, of excitement.

It’s what brings us together to begin with, exploring each other’s bodies and thoughts. It’s what makes us daydream about what we can do and be together.

In between comfort and discomfort is the trap: expectations.

Expectations are discomfort masquerading as comfort. We imagine we know what is going to or should happen, and that makes us feel better about what’s coming.

The more you embrace discomfort and let go of expectations in your D/s relationship, the more you can experience and share with your partner, creating an ever greater foundation of comfort together.