Frankly, My Dear (Kinkster), I Don’t Give A Damn

I don’t want to hear your sob story.

I am not saying this to hurt your feelings or to drive you away.

If you have a question about a challenge you are facing in your kink or love life, I’m happy to help or offer my experience as I can.

I just don’t think that either you or I will get much out of a conversation where we talk about everything that is outside your control and how it runs your life.

Come at me with a challenge and a can-do attitude towards what you can take control of, and I’m in.

Let me further clarify:

I’m not saying that having someone to talk to about what you feel is out of your control is a bad thing. I’m simply saying that I’m not the one for that. I’m not a licensed therapist, and I don’t have a talent for that kind of thinking.

If I were perfect, I probably would. I’m working on it.

But for you, let’s just pretend I don’t have any of that.

Consider this your fair warning:

If you want to talk about how the world, your partners, people you want sex from, or the barista at your local Coffee Gulp done you wrong, I won’t give a damn.

Consent: Ask For It!

Ask For Consent

This weekend, in the Triangle, PUSH is going on. It’s a kinky hotel takeover filled with amazing, hot, sexy people. And anything like that is a perfect reason to discuss consent.

To be clear: I have NOT heard of any consent violations at PUSH. I just wanted to plug them and use a large gathering of kinky peeps as an example. Other examples include the many cons coming up, now that Fall is racing towards us, some of which I’ll be attending as an instructor. YAY!

But back to consent.

It’s common at such amazing events for people to reach out and touch, without getting consent first. Continue reading “Consent: Ask For It!”

Let’s Debate: The Responsibility Of The Dominant

The word everything in script.

WARNING: This is a long one, and I am very specifically taking a side in this one, then offering my reasoning up for debate and picking apart.

I’ve had several conversations in the past week in which the original writing I did on the responsibility of a dominant has been relevant:

The Responsibility Of The Dominant

@thewiz11 commented, and as I was replying, I realized it would be a good debate piece, allowing me to dig deeper into the meat of what this means to me, in my life, and defend my view against any and all comers.

Before I go there, though, let me explain something.

This is how I live my life. This is what the role of dominant means to me. It may not be what dominant means to you, and that’s cool. I’ve written a lot about dominance and submission and how they are sliding scales and how there is no WON TWOO WAY™ that works for everyone. YMMV.

That’s important. smiles I’m offering this up for debate to proof my convictions, and to allow others to take apart my points, if you so choose.

Continue reading “Let’s Debate: The Responsibility Of The Dominant”

Q. What Can We Expect From Our Lifestyle Leaders?

Leaders do this: Lead by example. Not this: Leading by command.

A. Weaknesses, fuck-ups, stupidity (at least temporarily), inappropriate reactions, hypocrisy, and pretty much everything else associated with greater humanity.


Lifestyle leaders are human. Like any person is. Like any leader is—just look at those who lead our country.

Even the most successful people have fucked up, often in major ways. Have made mistakes, said non-PC things, and just generally been, at times, people you wouldn’t entrust a goldfish to.

And that’s OK.

It’s going to happen. We should expect it.

We should also be able to expect:

  • Recovery
  • Apologies (when necessary)
  • Growth
  • A solid sense of ethics that can be ascertained through consistent words and actions over the years
  • Communication, to and from—not only speaking, but listening
  • Authenticity

I am a lifestyle leader.

I know this because people follow me, and turn to me for help, and because I do my best to lead, in the most capable way I can.

I try to influence others towards acceptance and tolerance and love. I try to stop misinformation in it’s tracks and share the truth as I know it and have experienced it.

I try to always be learning, and researching. Not just in kink, but in everything, because who I am as a person affects who I am as a kinkster and who I am as a lifestyle leader.

I am not perfect.

(Yeah, yeah, I hear the collective, “Well, DUH!” LOL! I said that to show my own understanding, not that I thought y’all were under any illusions.)

I do not strive to be perfect, because I don’t believe that’s possible.

I do what I believe is RIGHT (not just right for me) as often as possible, and believe that the good I do FAR outweighs the harm. And when I harm, I do my best to fix it.

I’m also just me.

And, when it comes right down to it, lifestyle leader or not, I’m just me.

That’s all I can be. Nothing more and nothing less.

I write publicly when I think new thoughts, and change my mind. I write to explain when I’ve been wrong, and to apologize. And yes, I also write to clap back when people mischaracterize what I say in ways that might harm others, or make people feel less-than.

And that’s how I feel I lead best. I do everything in my power to be public about constantly improving and becoming better, to be the best me I can be, in kink as a dominant, lifestyle leader, educator, author and site developer, and as an individual with my own relationships, traumas, joys and pains.

No, I’m not upset. This writing is in response to something, but something that was commented to over 9 months ago, which I have processed over time and discussed with others. I’m not going anywhere. I’m writing this from my perspective, and in the hopes that it will give insight into many other imperfect leaders out there who fail and try and grow and service this community.

“Responsible? Consent? Safe? How Boring!”

How Boring

So, I was having a conversation.

In fact, I’ve had hundreds of similar conversations. But I was having this one conversation about hypnosis with a submissive who has fantasies of consensual-nonconsent with hypnotic commands.

They asked if I’d hypnotize and seduce them without them realizing.

I replied that I currently prefer more overt and consensual hypnotism scenes and methods.

They said that it’s still consensual. They consent.

I replied that consent to me requires 3 things:

1. Enthusiasm (They have this!)
2. Understanding (They have NO idea what I can do with hypnotism and behavior modification.)
3. Competence (missing #2, and being hypnotized rules out #3).

They said well, let’s just discuss what you would do to me.

I replied that I don’t engage in that kind of fantasy.

That the human mind is an amazing, unique thing of beauty, and I prefer to get to know people well before playing in their heads, so that not only can I make the most out of what I do, but that that I am doing what’s best for my bottoms/submissives.

That I am not a one-size-fits-all dominant or person.

They said, “All sounds very safe and responsible…”

And they didn’t respond again.

As I said, this is not the first conversation I’ve had like this.

With people who think that consent is not sexy. Safety is boring. Being responsible steals the fun.

I find that so odd.

I see no desirable power in making someone do what they don’t want to do.

I see A LOT of sexy, desirable power in my partners consciously wanting all the crazy perverted, depraved things I can do to them…

…and one of the main keys here is ME, all of me, who I am, my mind, my wickedness…

…enough to consciously crave them, communicate them, beg for them, and work with me to get them.

Responsible? Consent? Safe? How fucking sexy! Yes, please.

The Four Kinds Of Kinkster

The Four Kinds of Kinkster

1. The kinkster who pretends to know all the kinky things for any variety of reasons (superiority, authority, power, etc.) but don’t actually know what they are doing.

2. Those who actually believe they know all the kinky things but are completely wrong.

3. People who admit they don’t know all the kinky things, and let that paralyze them because they believe types 1 and 2 are being truthful.

4. Kinksters who are ok admitting they don’t know all the kinky things and just get on with it anyway.

I prefer the last kind.


Let’s Talk About References…

Kinky References

So, in a lot of writings here on Fet and elsewhere, I constantly see notes about vetting the people you play with and checking references. I even wrote about it.

On another site, a young lady who was new to a town wanted to get some ideas on how best to check the experience of a Dom who was courting her.

She go the usual suggestions, then someone said something along the lines of:

I don’t check references, and I don’t trust people who speak of references. I do just fine on my own, thank you.

Granted, this is not a word-for word, but it does pretty much cover the concept as I read it, which got me thinking. And of course, once one person says something, all the others who are against or just not for references chime is as well.

And they make some valid points. And I thought of some other things that are rarely discussed myself, so I thought I’d write this. Continue reading “Let’s Talk About References…”

References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!

Unused references are like spilled milk.

Saturday, I taught at LaFortress. A BJ class and an orgasm class. Had a great time, met new people, and heard something that made my stomach sink.

Someone has used my name, my online presence, and their connection to me as a friend as a reference. And then gone on to be a bit of a dickhead.

Unfortunately, this is not the first time, nor the first person to do this. And also, unfortunately, I hear about it after the fact far more often than I am contacted before things can go wrong.

So, here’s a quick refresher on how to use a reference within the lifestyle:

1. Get a reference.

This could happen one of several ways: Someone gives you a name or several of people that they are confident will say good things about them. Perhaps they mention the name of someone who has a good reputation in the community in passing, as if they know them well. Better yet, you watch them online, and choose random interactions to learn about them. Continue reading “References Don’t Work AFTER The Damage Is Done!”