It’s Only Romantic When You Still Love Them

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!


While we were in Madrid in September, we took several tours through AirBnB experiences (I highly recommend them!), and as we strolled through Lavapiés, our guide pointed out some modeled lips just randomly sticking out from a building.

She explained that there were 700 or so of these lips all over the neighborhood, modeled and placed by a man whose girlfriend had left him.

He created a pair of lips for every day he was without a woman in his life (or so the story goes).

I think we saw maybe a double handful of them.

Our tour guide was in her twenties, and she said, wistfully, “I told my boyfriend he could be that romantic.”

I replied, “My ex-husband once convinced a local comedy group to allow him to get on stage and declare his love for me during a performance.”

She sighed a bit.

I said, “It’s only romantic when you still love them. If you don’t still love them, or worse, you barely even know them, it’s creepy. It’s stalkerish.”

Her eyes opened wide, as she thought about it. And she got it. She agreed. Then went on to talk a bit about the things he does NOW, while they are in their relationship that are romantic, and took us meandering further in our tour.

I could have continued the story instead of letting it go.

I had broken up with him. He was an alcoholic with mental issues and had emotionally abused me. The show was something I had taken to doing for myself, with my friends, as I put my life back together as a single woman.

And I was mortified.

EVERYONE in the audience was looking at me. Wanting me to give him a positive response.

Except I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do anything for too long. I was just…frozen.

It was yet another attempt to manipulate me, to ignore what I had said over and over that I wanted—to be left alone.

Finally, I was able to say, “No,” and walked out.

He tried to meet me as I left. People tried to stop me, to allow him to show his love—all well intentioned, I’m sure.

I felt trapped. Panic-y. And for a short while, hopeless that this constant stream of trying to get my attention, trying to convince me that he knew better for me than I knew for myself would ever end.

“Marry a guy who will email you when you block him.”

This morning, I saw this meme on FB.

Woman:

“Marry a guy who will email you when you block him.”

Man:

“Fellas, marry a woman who doesn’t play these kinds of games.”

Leaving aside the second point for another writing—because I feel it needs to be addressed, just not to dilute today’s topic—let’s stop glorifying, even to ourselves, the actions of violating consent.

Let’s choose partners who, if blocked, will realize you’ve just withdrawn consent to be contacted, and who WANT you to have the time and space you need to figure things out.

Let’s love those who make us feel like we can simply say, “give me some time to think about this,” without having to go tot he extreme of blocking them.

Let’s glorify people who make their feelings known day in and day out without screwing things up so much that they have to stand outside a window holding a boom box playing Peter Gabriel.

Marry (or don’t marry) the person who celebrates you for who you are, encourages you to be whoever you want to be, and respects you when you say “No,” however you do it.

A Look Into The Mind Of An Incel

A man I’ve counseled over the years in a masculine dominance forum that I volunteer (as a dominant woman’s perspective) for, posted this incredibly insightful self-assessment:

If a woman is NOT horny and ready-to-go, I assume there’s something wrong with her, and I have a tendency to judge her negatively in some way that she may have issues.

Or, I may experience self-hatred or shame and believe that I am not man enough in some way.

I tend to have a fixed mindset if a woman is not responsive to me.

This is a piercingly clear insight into the very heart of what makes the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154] mindset dysfunctional, and leads from Nice Guy-itis to total incel-itis.

NOTE: in the linked article about the [Nice Guy][https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/175154], I also mention that this can apply to Nice Girls as well. Let me state now that I’m going to use NG to represent “Nice Guy” behavior in any all genders.

Also, If you’re not familiar with incels, here is a handy guide to the four ‘levels’ of inceldom: [image][https://miro.medium.com/max/1838/1H3a8OH1eVSIpXH5NteZFvw.jpeg]*

The first sentence is one side of an incel/NG—the side that has to look for fault in others to lay blame. Whether blame is even a factor or necessary.

The second sentence is the other side.

The self-loathing side.

The side of an incel/NG that holds their hurts and disappointments and eats at them like a cancer. The side where they internalize every negative word ever spoken to them and every negative thought they’ve ever had.

Even good things get fed into this side and interpreted through this dank filter.

And the last sentence is a key point: fixed mindset. It’s either or both of those things. There is no other explanation. There is no viable alternate viewpoint. No matter how harmful to themselves, they insist on these being the ONLY two options.

These few sentences show exactly how a lack of understanding of human nature and how to be successful romantically and sexually with others leads to incel/NG behaviors and beliefs.

And the sucky thing?

This creates a huge shitload of self-reinforcing trouble for the incel/NG, and it’s based on a false assumption that they can’t (or rather, won’t) let go.

Because no matter how much they may want and hate women/other humans, and no matter how much they may secretly despise themselves, it’s not nearly as bad as realizing they are wrong.

That they are wrong.

That they have been wrong.

Possibly for years.

Screwing things up, hurting themselves and others.

Wrong.

And so, they will double down, and continue in pain. Because that feels safer than learning to do and think differently.

At least they know what desperation and self-loathing feels like. They know they can handle that.

Being wrong, making change—that’s an unknown. It’s scary.

Scarier than where they are now.

NOTE: This man, after a year and a half, was asked to leave the forums. He would not, could not, let go of his toxic beliefs. And he was being disrespectful to others as he spiraled ever more out of control. Such a shame.

A Labor Of Love & Kink: My New Book, Dating Kinky, Is FREE Oct 1-3, 2018

Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.

I first had the idea to write Dating Kinky about three years ago, before I started my kinky dating site, or even intended to create one. In fact, the site grew out of the book, even if the book took longer to reach completion.

And now, it’s here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK

Live.

And free, today and tomorrow, through Amazon kindle.

YAY!

Super-YAY!

I really wanted to write a book that offers real, approachable, and actionable information on how to put yourself out there and meet kinky folk, poly people, fetishists and more—without making it sound like some sort of uber-secret society with special handshakes and a 117-point process for determining whether you are “TWOO” enough to get in.

Some of the things I cover:

  • Writing your profile
  • Picking your best pictures
  • Safety and privacy online
  • The first message
  • Community
  • Rejection (giving and getting)
  • And more…

I’ve put a lot into this book for the kinky community, and so have others.

Taylor J. Mace of http://www.feistyfoxfilms.com wrote a chapter on “Protocol Across The Miles.”

Protocol Across The Miles, by Taylor J. Mace, excerpt from Dating Kinky

Alex W. of  http://SexologyBae.com co-wrote “Don’t Believe Everything You Think,” about examining our assumptions and our attractions.

Beyond The First Date,” by Rebecca Blanton, author of “The Big Workbook for Submissives,” from http://loveletterstoaunicorn.com and https://www.fatchicksontop.com is an entire section about entering the kink community and making the most of it.

Luna Matatas of http://lunamatatas.com wrote “Five Things I Ask Potential Dominants Or Submissives Pre-Date,” an insightful guide to getting to know how people think their kink.

Other amazing people, like Ferns, Michael C., David Shade, and Franklin Veaux also contributed with their knowledge and presence in my life.

It’s been an amazing journey to get to this point, and I’m excited to share this with you.

I hope you’ll enjoy “Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies.” and share it with others!

US Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GMTCMBK
UK Link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07GMTCMBK
DE Link: https://www.amazon.de/dp/B07GMTCMBK
FR Link: https://www.amazon.fr/dp/B07GMTCMBK
ES Link: https://www.amazon.es/dp/B07GMTCMBK
IT Link: https://www.amazon.it/dp/B07GMTCMBK
NL LInk: https://www.amazon.nl/dp/B07GMTCMBK
JP Link: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/B07GMTCMBK
BR Link: https://www.amazon.com.br/dp/B07GMTCMBK
CA Link: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B07GMTCMBK
MX Link: https://www.amazon.com.mx/dp/B07GMTCMBK
AU Link: https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B07GMTCMBK

August 25th is Kiss And Make Up Day!

August 25 Kiss And Make Up Day

Kissing and making up is so much fun, today is a great day to start a few mock battles to get to the fun part!

Or, perhaps there is a lingering disagreement that could be resolved, to make everything better moving forward?

Either way, this is a good reminder to kiss more and argue less.

Are You A “MORE” Person?

More

This morning, Pet and I had each other for breakfast.

It was delicious.

Mmmm.

I digress. Damn. So distracting.

Anyway, we often spend some time together in the mornings, especially after date night with others, including bulls.

This morning, as he buried himself between my thighs, I talked dirty to him. Well, I talked “me” to him. That just happens to qualify as dirty to most, I’d guess.

Anyway, I told him what an amazing lover he is, how he pleases me so fucking well, and then I told him, “Give me more.” Continue reading “Are You A “MORE” Person?”

August 17 is Chinese Valentine’s Day

Some paper hearts with symbols of love, and the words: August 17 is Chinese Valentine's Day

Because on Valentine’s Day isn’t enough! *smiles*

Of course, the Chinese don’t celebrate St. Valentine. Here’s some additional information on their Qixi Festival.

My Pet spent some time in China, and fell in love with the culture, the food… On this day, our first year together, he wrote the characters for ài nī on the arches of my feet. He took a gorgeous photo of my feet in his lap that I now have hanging on my wall in my bedroom.

I Used To Desire “Hair”

When I'm 64

LOL! I can barely think about it without laughing out loud, even when I’m alone.

“Hair.”

My friend and I used to say that to each other with a knowing look when a boy with the right coiffure appeared in our line of sight.

It was a very specific look. Not long. In fact, short in the back, but with longish bangs that fell over the forehead and (*gasp* be still my beating heart!) maybe even one eye.

It was jaunty.

Young.

Smooooooth.

And it’s what I desired in a boy. Continue reading “I Used To Desire “Hair””

August is Romance Awareness Month!

August Romance Awareness Month Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. ~Bruce Lee

Kink and romance? Yes, please!

August is a wonderful month (and my birth month, which probably explains a lot!) to really focus in on romance in your life. Maybe you need a bit more, maybe another kind… but hey, what else are the lazy last days of summer good for?