Dating Kinky
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This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

In a forum devoted to men and developing their dominance, someone posted this:

My mind was attached to a specific image of what it meant to be manly. It invested its entire self-worth into preserving that image. My mind greatly undervalues my true worth.

Earlier this summer, as Pet and I talked over some plans for a weekend together, I wondered if we were trapping ourselves into a relationship dynamic that might hinder our growth, and determined that I’d talk to him about it at some point (I did), because I don’t want us to ever feel stifled or held back (neither does he).

And I also wonder about the traps we set for others, as well.

What does it mean to me when I meet a man or a woman or an enby? A submissive or a little or a furry? What does it mean when I call someone sexy or smart?

And am I boxing them in, in my mind, or am I allowing them to grow and become more as I know them better and learn more of their labels?

I’d like to think the latter.

I do mostly think the latter.

Do you?

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Unicorn Hunting is a touchy term in Polyamory circles.

So many single women have gotten burned by couples looking “for a third,” and then…well, I’ll get to this.

One of the biggest challenges surrounding this topic is, in my view, the communication of it.

As is often the case in specialized communities, non-monogamy and polyamory groups use language in ways that people outside those groups have hard time understanding.

Heck, we do this in kink. Using “dominant” as a noun and attaching many things to the concept WAY beyond what a vanilla person is likely to have come across in their daily life and living has led to much confusion.

But back to unicorns and hunting.

A unicorn in this case is a bisexual woman open to dating a couple as a triad.

Hunting in this case is the action of a couple seeking said unicorn.

Easy-peasy, right?


Until you try to communicate with those “in the know,” and suddenly, it seems like you have veered off course into whakadoo land, because you have NO IDEA what they are railing about.

Unless you do.

Because Unicorn Hunting, as a concept in ENM and polyamorous communities is greater than the sum of it’s parts.

It doesn’t just mean “looking for a third who happens to be a bi woman willing to date us as a couple in a triad.”

It now refers to that looking AND to a range of problematic behaviors that often accompany that looking that remove the “ethical” from “ethical non-monogamy.”

Here are a few highlights:

  • The couple is a traditional cis-het man/woman couple.
  • They are likely less experienced in any forms of ENM than most others.
  • If they do have experience, it’s likely limited, and incomplete.
  • The couple makes the “rules” of relationship engagement without input from the unicorn. Often even after a relationship has grown.
  • There is a one penis policy in place, either explicitly or implicitly.
  • There is a rule or at least a strong expectation about the couple progressing at the same pace at all times in emotions and commitment feelings.
  • The relationship is kept discreet, thereby preventing the unicorn being included in normal family or work events, possibly even keeping the relationship secret from mutual friends.
  • The couple expects their “unicorn” to be both sexually and romantically exclusive.
  • They also demand that the unicorn is attracted to them both equally and interested in only having group sex.
  • The couple are not looking to bring her fully into their relationship because that might put her between them.
  • The couple always takes precedence over the unicorn.

These things are rarely spoken up-front, but instead the relationship is allowed to progress “naturally,” and these things are brought up as they are relevant, often causing pain and conflict, because really, the unicorn was NOT told what she was signing up for, and feels dehumanized and boxed in to a role, instead of feeling like her personhood is being taken into account.

After all, the couple has usually negotiated the terms of the relationship before the unicorn even exists. The box she’ll have to live in has been partially built before they even know her name. If she’s looking for something different, she may not even be aware that’s off the table, until it becomes a problem in the relationship.

It really boils down to a lack of consent.

“Well, she had to know the risks.”

No, she didn’t.

There are people out there who don’t practice this sort of hierarchical relationship style.

And it’s SOOOO easy to get caught up in the NRE—the couple does it, not even bringing up all that they had talked about, to not ruin the mood, or because it slipped their mind until something was about to go sideways (or did).

There’s more, of course. I’ll probably write more about this. However, I think the critical point has been made:

Unicorn hunting does not just refer to a couple looking for a unicorn.

It refers to that whole host of problematic behaviors and more.

Ok, Sure. But What’s a Minotaur?

The guy version of a unicorn. Also called a dragon.

Same thing happens here, although it’s LESS often. Minotaurs or dragons are far more rare.

Bull Procurement?

So, yeah. In cuckolding and hotwifing, the second guy is often called a bull.

  • He is not necessarily bi (although he may be—he is there primarily for the woman of the couple).
  • He knows up front the status and primacy of the couple (or not—some couples do look for a bull to take over and dominate the relationship).
  • Often a 100% transactional relationship.

The primary difference here is that there’s communication and that the relationship itself holds different expectations for the parties FROM THE BEGINNING.

They may be mutually using each other to get off.

They may become FWBs.

But whatever it is is usually discussed at the outset, rather than dating someone and dangling a relationship and equal footing, then slowly choking that option off through a series of couple-created rules that build as time goes on.

I’m not saying this doesn’t happen, ever. Or that feelings don’t spring up where there was originally a transactional agreement.

They do.

But it’s more of an exception than a rule in this case.

What are your thoughts?

Have you had experiences as a unicorn? A minotaur? A bull?

What about as the couple in any of these situations?

What have your experiences been? Have you had any positive experiences that transcended the problematic patterns noted here?

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Which role is better?

To seduce someone, to feel desired, to have them want and need you?

Or to be on the other side, to be pursued, to feel yourself falling or sliding gracefully into the bliss of obsession and desire?

For me to be seduced, I need to feel the power of desire for ME—as an individual. not just for my breasts or my hips, but for the entirety of my being. And that takes someone getting to know me, which is a step in the seduction.

However, it’s my view that in order to be a good seducer, there needs to be an aspect of the seducer that is already seduced.

THEY need to be entranced. Led on by that desire, by their curiosity, by the need to see what is around the corner of this question, or what’s over the hill of that idea.

The very thing that make the seducer so enticing to me is when they have the strength to approach ad say “You have bewitched me, now I hope to return the favor.”

The power to admit that they have been seduced and to want to offer that same deliciously enveloping magic in return is what often makes them irresistible.

I love seducing people.

I love also being seduced.

For me, this is not an either/or question. I want to feel that I am both seducer and seduced at the same time.

What are your thoughts?

Do you prefer being seduced? Or seducing?

Do you see power inherent in one over the other? Do they fit in dominant or submissive roles (or other power labels) to you?

I’m looking forward to your perspectives.

Image by Mylene2401 from Pixabay

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

While we were in Madrid in September, we took several tours through AirBnB experiences (I highly recommend them!), and as we strolled through Lavapiés, our guide pointed out some modeled lips just randomly sticking out from a building.

She explained that there were 700 or so of these lips all over the neighborhood, modeled and placed by a man whose girlfriend had left him.

He created a pair of lips for every day he was without a woman in his life (or so the story goes).

I think we saw maybe a double handful of them.

Our tour guide was in her twenties, and she said, wistfully, “I told my boyfriend he could be that romantic.”

I replied, “My ex-husband once convinced a local comedy group to allow him to get on stage and declare his love for me during a performance.”

She sighed a bit.

I said, “It’s only romantic when you still love them. If you don’t still love them, or worse, you barely even know them, it’s creepy. It’s stalkerish.”

Her eyes opened wide, as she thought about it. And she got it. She agreed. Then went on to talk a bit about the things he does NOW, while they are in their relationship that are romantic, and took us meandering further in our tour.

I could have continued the story instead of letting it go.

I had broken up with him. He was an alcoholic with mental issues and had emotionally abused me. The show was something I had taken to doing for myself, with my friends, as I put my life back together as a single woman.

And I was mortified.

EVERYONE in the audience was looking at me. Wanting me to give him a positive response.

Except I couldn’t.

I couldn’t do anything for too long. I was just…frozen.

It was yet another attempt to manipulate me, to ignore what I had said over and over that I wanted—to be left alone.

Finally, I was able to say, “No,” and walked out.

He tried to meet me as I left. People tried to stop me, to allow him to show his love—all well intentioned, I’m sure.

I felt trapped. Panic-y. And for a short while, hopeless that this constant stream of trying to get my attention, trying to convince me that he knew better for me than I knew for myself would ever end.

“Marry a guy who will email you when you block him.”

This morning, I saw this meme on FB.


“Marry a guy who will email you when you block him.”


“Fellas, marry a woman who doesn’t play these kinds of games.”

Leaving aside the second point for another writing—because I feel it needs to be addressed, just not to dilute today’s topic—let’s stop glorifying, even to ourselves, the actions of violating consent.

Let’s choose partners who, if blocked, will realize you’ve just withdrawn consent to be contacted, and who WANT you to have the time and space you need to figure things out.

Let’s love those who make us feel like we can simply say, “give me some time to think about this,” without having to go tot he extreme of blocking them.

Let’s glorify people who make their feelings known day in and day out without screwing things up so much that they have to stand outside a window holding a boom box playing Peter Gabriel.

Marry (or don’t marry) the person who celebrates you for who you are, encourages you to be whoever you want to be, and respects you when you say “No,” however you do it.