The Language of Survival, The Language of Trust

Language of Trust

Each of us has a language of survival that we create as we grow up. We have a language of trust as well. In some, the language of trust has a huge vocabulary, and covers many varied situations.

They/we are the lucky ones.

CW: mentions of abuse

In some, the language of survival is the strongest, most nuanced, and pervasive language they understand.

Language of Trust

This conversation clearly shows the deleterious effects of languages of survival.

And as newvagabond points out, even knowing intellectually that they are safe is not enough.

The language of trust in their head is too small to overpower the survival mechanisms they’ve developed.

And if you live and love, you will meet these people. Perhaps you are these people.

And you could, if you choose, help them create their language of trust, by offering your own to them, and being a safe space.

Here are a few ways:

  • Validate. This does not always mean saying, “you’re right,” instead showing that they have the right to feel they way they feel. This means accepting and loving them for their fears as well as for their strengths.
  • Reassure. Speak to them of your OK-ness with their concerns.
  • Offer touch. Often, touch is as compelling, sometimes more, than the words. MAKE SURE THEY CONSENT. For those for whom touch is a part of their trauma, touch without consent can make things MUCH worse.
  • Be patient. Don’t speak the words, but project the opposite. Actually be patient. We all have things to learn. You may be an expert at trust and being not-afraid. Great! Use that with them. As with any language, it may take years to become fluent in trust with you and with others… or like me and Russian, they may never get it. That’s OK, too.
  • Understand this is not personal. It’s not YOU. It’s survival reactions to past lived-experiences. Also understand that as you hold your space safe for them, you are creating a language of trust with them as well. They KNOW/HOPE they are safe with you, or they would not choose to be with you, to put themselves in harms way. Their survival brain, though, doesn’t feel it. Like when you are safe at home, and a pan drops suddenly in the kitchen,a nd you jump, because WTF!?!? and it takes a while for your heart to slow down…instinct. It’s a bitch.

Last year, I wrote a piece about communication breakdowns when partners aren’t safe. I think that’s also a good reference to read. That one is also how we can add to their language of survival, often, even, without realizing the damage we’re doing.

How do you create your language of trust with your partners?

Or… on the other side, how does your language of survival affect you and your relationships long after the original behaviors that created it have past?

Of Course I Trust Him!

At the core of trust is "us." And the core of us is trust.

I run a Facebook group, Women In Charge, and we have some pretty amazing conversations there.

In one of those conversations quite some time ago, we discussed using a cock cage to restrict a man’s ability to touch himself, pleasure himself, or bring himself to orgasm.

I said that while cages can be fun as a novelty, for me they are not for daily use. I prefer to inspire the feelings that make him want to save his orgasms for me.

Quite a few people were shocked, and said I must really trust him to allow that freedom. Continue reading “Of Course I Trust Him!”

Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me

Trust

Trust.

It’s at the core of all that we claim to do in kink, and yet, the more I dig into the relationships people have and what they say versus what they do, the more I realize that, for me, trust is not what it is to others.

For example, I generally assume that if I meet you and you smile at me, you are not going to stalk me after that one meeting and axe-murder me in my sleep.

But that’s not trust.

That’s simply absence of evidence. Continue reading “Trust In Kink Is A Very Different Beast, For Me”

How do you trust?

How Do You Trust?

“My favorite definition of trust, which I read in a novel years ago: Trust is the residue of kept agreements.” —Jay Wiseman

This resonates with me, yet I find it lacking. I find trustworthy people inherently trust more. Whose agreements? Mine or theirs?

Because there are people I immediately do not trust. Call it intuition, snap judgment, whatever you want. And keeping an agreement will not really change that. I can’t remember a time I’ve ever changed my mind about trusting someone I who struck me as untrustworthy when I first met them. Continue reading “How do you trust?”

Writing Prompt: Is Trust Earned? Or Is it Given?

Trust is Earned

There is no right answer that applies to everyone, I think.

Every answer depends on how you see trust.

trust

firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

That’s a dictionary definition. I’ve also read that trust is as simple as the ability to predict another’s behavior. Or just faith that a person will not harm you, or is not capable of crossing certain boundaries. Continue reading “Writing Prompt: Is Trust Earned? Or Is it Given?”