Dominance: What Is TRUE Leadership?

Leadership

This morning, I’m thinking about two men. In my head, I call them Dreamboat and Cutie Boy. They are members of an Entrepreneurship group I participate in, and they are, in fact, as attractive as my nicknames for them would suggest.

They are also partners in business, so I sort of think of them as a duo, like John and Marsha, or Captain and Tenille.

But this is primarily about Cutie Boy.

So, Cutie Boy is pretty curios about this whole “kinky dating” thing, and asks questions.

Which I encourage.

First, because I like talking to him and looking at him. I’m a pervert like that.

Second, because I like to think that the more matter-of-fact and approachable I am in any situation about what I do, the more normal it seems. Not as “freaky-scary” to the vanillas (or not-quite-so-vanillas).

So, he says, “Do people’s careers make a difference in how they kink?” (I’m paraphrasing.)

I and Selene both responded, “Often, yes, but not in the way you might think.” And I explained that many people who take charge in their careers prefer to submit in their personal life or vice versa, and some people are just as dominant or submissive in their entire life.

He stopped to think for a moment, then said, “So the ones who are like that all they time, and they more real?”

Which is a fair question.

I immediately answered, “Nope. Humans are far too complex for generalities like that.”

Here’s what I mean, and how I explained my views on leadership to him:

People are bundles of contradictions and a myriad of motivations.

Let’s take leadership for example. People want to lead for different reasons.

  • They get off on the power.
  • They are incredibly capable and efficient.
  • They view it as a service, and step up when they are needed.

I’m sure there are more reasons, but this is what I thought of at the time.

I told him that leaders probably often have more than one reason.

“So, if one person is a leader because they love having that power, and another is a capable person who loves to provide leadership, which is better?”

He said “probably the second.”

I said, “Which is more ‘true’? Or which is more authentic?”

He said, “Neither, really.”

Yup.

Which is why I don’t think lifelong dominants are more real than switches, or why I think those who are more powerful in their daily lives are any more or less effective at submitting than anyone else.

People are people. Amazingly complex, interesting, conflicted, beautiful…

And I had the all the pleasures of looking at Cutie Boy, discussing two of my favorite topics (kink and business), and connecting through communication all in one go.

Not a one of those things has anything to do with whether my leadership is “real” or “authentic” or “true,” but every one is part of my leadership self.

What are your thoughts on leadership?

What makes for a good leader/dominant. Is there anything besides their actions that (for you) signal someone who might be a step above the others?

Dominance Is Stronger Than You Think…

A man bowing his head to a pair of patent heels behind cage bars.

I’m in Paris today. It’s raining. I’m loathe to leave my tiny space, but I will, and soon, if for no reason than because exploring is something I do.

I had a few moments to write, and in my calendar I found a conversation I had nearly a year ago.

The same conversation that promoted Real Dominants Don’t… He Said To Me, a piece that was a collection of ideas I’ve experienced in the many years I’ve been online, all tossed at me by those who were searching for their “real dominant.”

In reading the discussion, though, there was more to it than just those pieces. A conversation about dominance.

I’ll share that with you today, and I hope you’ll share with me your own thoughts on dominance and submission and how you see these ideas fitting in with your own life. Continue reading “Dominance Is Stronger Than You Think…”

A Conversation With A Judgy Man…

A very concerned-looking man in a judge's robe with a gavel in the foreground. Overlaid with the words "Judgy Man Is Judgy."
  • AJudgyMan† joined the group FetLife Announcements. about 1 year ago

† Name changed to protect whatever. You’ll see.

  • AJudgyMan changed his location to Raleigh, North Carolina, United States. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his gender to male. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his role to Sensualist. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to homoflexible. 8 months ago
  • AJudgyMan updated the about section on his profile. 8 months ago

“Just looking to see whats out there and who I vibe with.
Anonymity is imperative”

  • AJudgyMan changed his sexual orientation to heteroflexible. 7 months ago

THEN, he contacted me.

With no photo, no friends, no… well, you’ll see.

It was pretty banal for a few exchanges. Nothing to write home about, then, he asked:

“So, do you think 2 self proclaimed Dominants can get along?”

I replied:

I have a lot of dominant friends.

I have no desire to make everything into combat.

“Good cause neither do I, actually. theres fun teasing and play and theres some girls that hold a penis envy gotta prove something.

In the end, Im just looking for cool people, that know how to draw the line between the facade of all this kinky play. I have no need to want to control a woman out of the bedroom – but I do love dominant play in the bedroom, and sometimes out. But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play. So, I have nothing to say to a slave. theyre no fun – I need alittle resistence to keep things playful.”

I replied:

I’m sorry. You just said something that I find incredibly judgmental. Perhaps you could clarify:

“But theres something definitely wrong with a person that wants to be controlled by another person out of the kinky play.”

“The line gets crossed, for me, when you have someone that either wants to have their life, not just their kinky fun, completely controlled by another or they have some deep seeded need to control another’s life. 24/7 Doms, Slaves are something I understand but do not respect.

In the bedroom, thats fun, but thats where you separate the illusion of power this lifestyle allows and step into a twisted unhealthy psychological need that stems from some mental issues.

I dare you to try to argue that”

I replied:

I have no desire to argue it.

I am dominant inside the bedroom and out. My Pet and others look to me for more than sexual role play, and I enjoy that role.

I wish you the best of luck in everything you do.

“Funny cause a true dominant doesnt walk away like that – but anyone on here can play one.

Enjoy your writing

And if I offended you by the last “judgemental” remarks – youre probably exactly like the mentally ill people that take this lifestyle way too seriously, because they need to – in which case I feel sorry for you.”

Enjoy that feeling of superiority, oh creepy one. I’m too busy enjoying my amazing life to give a flying fuck.

smiles

Continue reading “A Conversation With A Judgy Man…”

“But, That’s How It’s Done!”

Twoo Twoo Train To Kinky Kinky Land

Well, sure.

If you want to keep putting yourself at a social disadvantage, keep buying into the mental crap that other people feed you, instead of breaking out of your shell.

Pure bollocks like:

These things are not true for everyone. In fact, the opposite is true for many people. Why not for you?

And feel free to share some of the totally fucked-up wrong-headed and completely idiotic things that are commonly accepted that you have found to be false.

*smiles*

Real Dominants Don’t… He Said To Me

Image of a happily maybe orgasmic woman with the words: "When you get a taste of a real dominant, the rest of the world never really tastes the same. And: "Do 'real' dominants taste different from other humans? Huh. *licks self* I can't tell."

“Real dominants don’t ask the opinions of others.”

“Real dominants don’t allow questions from their submissive.”

“Real dominants don’t accept limits or requirements from anyone.”

“Real dominants don’t have sex with their submissives, or other dominants, or love anyone, ever.”

“Real dominants don’t do anything but what they want to do.”

“Real dominants just KNOW.”

“Once a submissive can place requirements on a dominant, can ask questions, or change their mind, the submissive is in charge, and the dominant is not a real dominant.”

I checked the profile again. Yup, submissive.

Irony, meet submissive. Submissive, meet irony. I think you two have a lot to talk about.

Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More

Topping From The Bottom

The term “topping from the bottom” is thrown about by Won Twoo Wayists the way that “Did you find everything you were looking for?” is tossed out by grocery store check clerks, and with the sneering disdain usually reserved for the ‘poor, unaware vanillas.’

Submissives and slaves are told, “You’re topping from the bottom. You’re not a real ______!”

But why?

What is this ‘topping from the bottom’, and why is it so heinous a crime?

Let’s rip this shit open!

Urban Dictionary defines topping from the bottom as:

In its basic, literal sense, it means exactly what it says. The person on the bottom is leading the top, thus technically topping from the bottom.

The person on the bottom (submissive/slave) is leading.

Oh mi godz, the horrors!

Continue reading “Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More”