Yesterday, I wrote about using sex as a weapon, and how it’s shitty. I specifically pointed out in the piece that withholding sex is your right. That libidos fail for many reasons, including psychological (not wanting sex is 100% valid).
And yet, I still got the “No one is entitled to sex from me, they know where the door is” response.
Which is TRUE.
100%.
Hell, I could say the same thing.
However, that’s not a rebuttal to the point I was making. I was pointing out shitty behavior. Saying “I have a right to be shitty, because they can leave,” is well…telling, eh?
I never said and I never would say that anyone is owed sex. I said using sex to manipulate people without consent is shitty humaning.
And YES—ANYONE can walk out anytime.
That does not excuse abusive behavior, ever.
That’s like saying, “Well, they stuck around even after I beat the everlasting fuck out of them (in non-consensual, non-fun ways), so it must be OK to do it.”
NO.
Just, no.
Relationships are more complex (which I’m sure you know) than simply excusing fucked-up behavior because “they can leave.”
And having been in a relationship where I traded parts of my personhood for the chance that things would change, don’t think I don’t KNOW that that was my choice, and I could have left at any time.
To be clear, I was NOT financially dependent, I did not have children, I was not in physical fear for my life—I could literally have left at any time and would have been better off, which puts me in a MUCH better situation than many, and I still CHOSE not to leave over and over until it got intolerable. Which was WAY longer than I should have stayed.
Taking back my power meant acknowledging that regardless of how tough the choices were, I could have made different ones—so that I could KNOW moving forward into the future that I can make those choices.
However, that does NOT excuse the shitty behavior of my partner.
NOTHING excuses shitty behavior.
Like treating others like you are entitled to manipulate and hurt them—with sex or without.
So, yeah.
You wanna blame others for staying when you are being shitty to them? That’s on you.
I personally like to understand the ways in which I (just like all other humans) can be shitty to people (even without realizing it), and learn to recognize them in myself so I can do better.
TO BE CLEAR
I’m not saying that the person who responded is a shitty human. I don’t know them at all. I had to check their account to be sure.
Interestingly, I’ve had one PM back-and-forth a year or so ago with them where they were getting on my case for (in their words) allowing victim-blaming in my comments.
Oh! The irony!
