“I hear he only kinks with people he has sex with.”

“I hear he only kinks with people he has sex with.”

Yup. I heard that, too.

And since I don’t want to have sex with him, I don’t ask him to kink with me. Even though I enjoy the kind of kink he does, and I think he’s an awesome friend.

Do I think he’d make an exception? Possibly.

Do I think he’s 100% only kinking people he diddles? Probably not.

But my point is that it doesn’t matter.

He kinks with people he wants sex with, and presumably the people he kinks with want sex with him.


98% of my kink goes along with sex, actually. The other 2% is in demonstrations, practicing, and co-topping scenarios.

I like kink and sex together. Blended. A LOT. I think sex is more fun with kink and kink is more fun with sex. I don’t practice my power exchange without a sexual relationship, and I’ve only made one exception, ever.

The opposite is true, too.

Some people only kink without sex. Sex is for their relationships, not their power exchanges.

They prefer to keep it separate, with separate people.

That’s their right.

Of course it is.

Thing is, some people seem to think that these people are inherently MORE RIGHT than the other people. Like it’s a virtue to have “pure” kink.

It’s not.

It’s just a personal choice. That everyone has a right to have.

“But sex creates a power imbalance!”

Ha! Not offering sex or a relationship can ALSO create a power imbalance. Especially when one person wants it and the other does not.

ANYTHING desired can create a power imbalance. That’s how things work.

But you know what really helps manage a power imbalance? Two things:

  1. Self awareness.
  2. Good boundaries.

KNOWING that you want something badly that you will not get or that you don’t want something that is a requirement for something you do want badly is important. Because when you acknowledge your desires, it makes them easier (a bit) to work with and around them.

And having good boundaries matters. Knowing that there are things you will not do—or will not do unless certain conditions are met—can help you NOT give in to that thing because you want the other.

And on the other side of things…

If you have a requirement of definitely sex or definitely not sex, that is critical to communicate and get a solid understanding on.

It is also critical to NOT PUSH for your desire past uncertainty or disinterest. Simply hold your personal preference/boundary, and know that you can walk away at any time (and do!).

It can feel like people will agree to something they don’t really want to get what they do want (compromise). That is a slippery fucking slope, and I say “Don’t do it.”

It can lead (at best) to small regrets and resentment and at worst to buyer’s remorse, even an experience of r*pe from the person compromising.

Stick with what you want. Stick with your boundaries. Let that scene or relationship go if it doesn’t fit your needs. Take care of YOU, first.

What are your thoughts?

First, do you feel that kink and sex go together? No? Sometimes yes, sometimes no?

Do you feel you have good boundaries and can state your wants/needs/desires regarding sex clearly when negotiating a scene or a relationship within kink?

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