I will not battle for our relationship.
I will not struggle for what I need.
I will not duel for your attention.
I will not skirmish for loving touch.
I will not perform combat (mental or physical) for your time.
I will not combat you to “make things work.”
Because in all of these scenarios, I have already lost.
If I am fighting with you FOR YOU, then I have already made a critical miscalculation.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’ve done it.
I grew up like many of us did, thinking that you should do ANYTHING to make a relationship last.
And I found that all that does is change me, and turn me into someone that I really don’t like knowing or being.
A lot of socialization in the past has been centered around people fighting to make their relationships work. So much that it seems anti-romantic to NOT fight.
In fact, it seems like we are charged with PROVING our love by being willing to fight for it.
That may work for you.
If so, good onya.
It does not work for me. I will not fight like that. Not ever again.
Instead, I am willing to let go for it. To let (encourage) my love do what feels good and right to them, and to find out where we naturally fit together.
Which is a sort of radical consent-based life (which sound utterly dorky, but it’s as good a word as any).
And since I made that decision, my life has been far better. My love has been deeper. My relationships have been more loving, more creative, and more fulfilling.
Because 99.999999% of the time, I default to “Let’s collaborate to both get what we want and need,” instead of fighting about, well, anything.
In moving towards this relationship philosophy, I’ve also learned that there were a lot of things I thought I wanted—even needed—that I don’t.
I realized that when I get what I actually need, at the foundation level of my core, I don’t want or need as much window dressing, or the types of small things I see people fighting about over and over in their lives.
I don’t want a relationship that relies on fighting to get needs met. Or compromise to make it possible. Or emotional manipulation to feel secure.
So, I won’t fight for it.
And if that means I lose it, I’m OK with that.
(Not saying I won’t be a blubbering mass of sorrow and self-pity for a week or so, then again, not saying I will…)
Because if I have to fight you for you, you’re not mine.
I get a lot of pushback for how I view relationships, and I expect the same on this. I’m OK with that.
I am telling you how I do these things, because I never saw these ideas or behaviors modeled for me, and I had to figure them out.
I’m not saying they are right for everyone.
Maybe they could be right for you, if you knew that they were really possible. Maybe not.
What are your thoughts?
Are you willing to fight for your relationships?
If so, do you have ANY qualms at all about the word fight and the mental framing that goes into it?
If not, what do you do instead?
How is it working for you?