So, this scene happens:

Top and bottom negotiate. They agree to a scene with specific points of action. Scene commences. Top hits all of the negotiated points, and adds a few creative twists. Bottom is upset after.

Who is responsible?

Top? The top failed to disclose that they like to improvise beyond the general arrangement for a scene and get full consent.

Bottom? The bottom failed to say that they expected full adherence to the negotiated acts ONLY. The bottom also failed to safeword.

To me, this is mutual responsibility. Both really messed up, in my world view.

So, how do we make sure this doesn’t happen again?

Simple.

Stick to the script in casual play.

Always.

If it’s not negotiated, keep it off the table, or ask as you go (getting consent).

If you wish to do the second, get permission to improvise with consent check-ins, or get affirmation that it’s OK, and that the bottom WILL safeword if there is any untoward discomfort.

I love to be spontaneous when I play. I don’t play casually, but when I do, I agree to what’s negotiated, and check in after. I might say, “so when I was spanking you, I really wanted to ______ but we hadn’t talked about it. How do you feel about ____ in the future?”

It starts a dialog to move the next scene into new territory, and also allows feedback in a very non-threatening way.

What are your experiences with this? Any ideas/thoughts on this topic?