Because there is a difference.
A HUGE difference.
Of course, you may be BOTH terrible at relationships and someone who sleeps with assholes. But the fact that you sleep with assholes is going to be the overwhelmingly hard part to get past if you keep doing it.
Because when you sleep with assholes (of any gender, let me be crystal clear), and you relationship with them, they have an inordinate about of influence over how you see yourself, both in a relationship (with them) and in general ways (even when they are gone).
And a series of assholes can do a lot of damage.
Damage that can take a crap-ton of time and effort to untangle.
Because when you sleep with assholes, and they are allowed to influence you, their words and thoughts about you seep into your mind and become YOUR thoughts and words to yourself.
- You’re too demanding. / I’m too demanding.
- Your relationship standards are unrealistic. / My relationship standards are unrealistic.
- Your jealousy is out of hand. / My jealousy is out of hand.
And so on.
And like I said above, some of that may be true.
Maybe even all of it.
But as long as you’re sleeping with assholes, you’ll keep breaking those wounds open so they never get a chance to heal. And moving from one asshole to another will re-traumatize you in new and exciting ways (collect them all!).
But how do you know if you’re bad at relationships or if you’re sleeping with assholes?
It’s hard to tell for sure, but there are clues.
- Assholes rarely take personal responsibility. Things are not their fault, It’s YOU, or someone else in their life.
- Assholes will rarely take negative feedback well. They will nearly always try to shift the conversation from hurt that you are feeling to their own hurt, and make it about you instead of them.
- Assholes are usually not great communicators, but are often excellent arguers/fighters. They can wear you down, but you don’t feel like you’ve learned or been talked with, just beat down.
- You will rarely feel like there is a mutual “win” in the relationship. It will be a battle where one side wins over the other, and resentments build up.
And after reading through that, well, you might realize that sometimes you are the asshole, too.
We all have been.
And that’s something to work on, too.
But if you are sleeping with assholes, well, then, you are allowing them to teach you how to act in relationships, which can damage all of your relationships, not just the ones you are in with them.
What are your thoughts?
Are you bad at relationships? Do you sleep with assholes? Are you sometimes the asshole yourself?
Or, are you (like many of us), a little bit of all three?
Have you consciously grown away from any of these things in your past, to improve your life and make it better?