After The “No,” Or When Asking For Consent Is Not Enough

After The “No,” Or When Asking For Consent Is Not Enough

So, you’ve asked for consent. They have said no, but left the door open for the future.

What do you do?

You asked for consent. What’s left?

Asking again, of course.

Let me tell you a story…

I know a guy.

Actually, I know a lot of guys, and any number of them could be fitted into the generalized picture I’m going to paint for you. I know women like this as well. And other genders. So, understand this is not a one-off experience, nor is it specifically gender-based.

This guy was always very respectful to me. Always.

For a while when we had regular contact, he asked repeatedly about possibly playing, what kind of scene we might do together, what it might look like, and how it might come together.

Now, I generally don’t play outside of my current relationships and small tribe of people.

That is my standard answer when people ask me to play.

He had expressed an interest in joining said relationships, and I made it clear that he would need to become a friend first. He said he was interested in that, and continuing to talk, but most conversations ended up coming back to asking about some sort of play.

I kept my responses consistent.

Eventually, we sort ended up not talking much, because I find it tiring to be asked and answer the same type of question over and over and over again.

I do not feel this was any sort of consent violation, to be clear. I’m perfectly capable of handling myself in these types of things, and he was obeying the letter of the consent law at every stage.

I did, however, see a nice guy behavior pattern of trying to get what he wanted through the use of continued requests for consent over time.

When he stopped asking (and stopped attempting to push into my life), I felt a kind of relief, along with a bit of regret over the friendship that could have formed, had there been different choices made.

After the “No.”

And by “No,” I mean, “Not now,” or “I’d be open to that some other time,” or “If I get to know you better,” or “Maybe” or just “No.”

To me, it’s easy.

After the no, I simply then say, “Awesome. If you change your mind, please let me know. I’ll respect your consent, and not bring it up again.”


It not only respects their right to consent, but gives the other person their autonomy to choose whether it is ever brought up again.

Because asking for consent is only one piece of the puzzle. Respecting that consent and returning it makes you a truly awesome kinkster.

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