Failed Messages: The Résumé Copy Pasta

Failed Messages: The Résumé Copy Pasta

Usually the unsolicited messages I get are short. Too short. Like “Hey” short.

But some take another direction into wrong, and are WAY TOO LONG. Like, not just a few sentences too long. But more like War And Peace too long, and without a good story, even.

These usually read like a kinky résumé and dissertation on what the sender would like done to their body or mind in excruciating detail.

You know how little kids sometime launch into their very own story and can talk for half an hour, going back to mention the unicorn’s hair color, or the number of butterflies they saw? It’s like that. Usually just as rambling and disjointed and just as self-involved.

Like in 514 words of the example I’m sharing today, not a single one is about me (or whomever they are writing to).

Why would it be?

After all, they are talking about themselves.

And getting what they want out there loud and clear.

Think about 514 words. At an average rate of speech, that’s four to five minutes of conversation without engaging or mentioning the other person at all.


And this is out of the blue, with no preamble, no request for more information…

What the fudgesicles am I supposed to do with that?

In the case I’m referring to, I responded (in part):

And lastly, anyone who sends me a bunch of copypasted crap about what they and I will do in a relationship is automatically disqualified from a relationship with me.

You’re simply doing everything wrong.

Maybe they learned something.

I doubt it.

Let me break this down. A good first message will contain the following elements (more on that here:

  • Introduction
  • Interest
  • Invitation
  • Potential Connection
  • Respect

Most have a LOT of introduction and interest and almost none of the rest.

For example, if there were potential connection, they might say something about my interests (because they read my profile) and how they share something in common with me.

If there were respect, they would write to ME, not copy/paste a slew of content and send it to everyone who made them feel tingly in their goodie bits.

And an invitation would mean including something that invited me to respond. A question about something we both have an interest in, or about something they found fascinating about my profile.

Instead, they send me a wall of text, and leave me pretty much nothing to reply positively to, even if I wanted to.

And I don’t.



I really don’t know where people get the idea that sending a tome of epic proportions all about their sexual fantasies will get them what they want, but as often as it happens, I kind of feel like there is some weird $47 “how to pick up dommz on the interwebz” PDF floating out there that convinces them to do just that.

Because I can’t fathom why anyone would put that much effort into typing about themselves, send it to many multiples of people, and think that it would work.

Maybe I’m just not creative enough.

What do you think?

Have you ever received one of these? How did it work for you? How does it make you feel (if anything)?

Have you ever sent one of these? What were your thoughts/motivations? Do you still send them? Do they ever work?

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