“I don’t know. CAN you date my partner?”

“I don’t know. CAN you date my partner?”

People often ask me if they can play with or date my partner.

Which is nice.

And I appreciate the connection and the consideration.

However, I always have the same answer (about him or any other partner/connection of mine):

They are an adult. They are the ones who decide who they see, why they see them, how they see them, and when. If they have agreements with me or prior engagements, they know what they are, and it is up to them to maintain those agreements and tell you, or simply maintain their own boundaries. I love them and I trust them to do so.

I personally don’t see any reason to insert myself into someone else’s relationship with my partner(s). And I don’t want to become a friend to someone because they feel a sense of obligation or guilt for desiring my partner.

Frankly, I don’t have time for that. There are plenty of people who are friendly with me who don’t even know my partner (yet or well), and vice versa. And that’s OK. My friends want ME in their life.

I may make requests about things that are important to me, or when I have some specific information about a certain person’s behavior or history:

  • I’d love to have drinks together, if we could.
  • Please speak clearly about your boundaries with this one.
  • If you decide on a play relationship, it might be worth speaking with Person A and Person B about some landmines.
  • If this goes long term, it would be ideal if we could create a friendship, since we will all be at many of the same events.

And so on.

They are truly REQUESTS.

Because the ONLY thing that matters to me, ultimately, is my relationship with my partner(s). When that is strong and loving and full of care and respect, what they do in their personal time (alone, with friends or with lovers) doesn’t really matter to me.

Because I trust them.

And that is the BARE MINIMUM of a relationship with me.

NOTE: I am also like this in a D/s manner. My submissive (same as my partner) knows exactly what he is allowed to do and not do, per his agreements with me. I don’t need to be approached about every little thing, because it is HIS responsibility to know those things and maintain those agreements—not yours, and not a random stranger’s.

What are your thoughts?

In nonmonogamy or even D/s, what do you prefer when it comes to communication by a third party with you about your partner?

Do you prefer to be an active participant? Do you want to be a part of that relationship? Are you hands off, preferring not to meet at all?

Or are you somewhere in the middle, like I am?

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