Negativity reduces your chances of connecting.

June 7, 2022

There. I said it.

It’s a pretty simple idea: When you are negative, that is the “you” that other people see, and frankly, most people, when looking for someone to connect with are not looking for more sadness and problems.

We have our own.

So, when your dating profile is negative, well, as Hashtag says, “And like, honestly, if someone’s negative on their dating profile, why are they going to be positive on a date? Why are they going to be positive in a relationship? Why they going to be a positive force in your life, you know?”

—

On February 21, 2022, Hashtag presented the topic Dating for Dating Kinky’s Newbies Night. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).

Here is a clip from that hour long show, where they talk about red flags in dating pics—especially related to looking for kinky partners (on vanilla dating sites, too).

TRANSCRIPT

So things to include or not include in your profile.

So red flags: Something dead in your photos.

Looking at you hunters and fishers.

I understand that you’re really proud of that sea bass, that salmon, that you know, 25 point buck, but don’t put something dead to attract a mate unless you’re on like Hunters.com

Like, you know, so everything in its time and place, but on Tinder, like I don’t know, just something about a fish, like just hanging there. Like it’s funny because if it’s on FetLife that I see Fish Hooks, I’m
like, ooh, yes, please swipe right.

But like on Tinder, I’m like, no, not my kind of fish hooks, man.

If you’re not in your photos, regardless of your reason.

Like FetLife, this is a little bit different because professional does play more into it. But if you’re on Tinder and you’re not showing your face for professional reasons, I mean, it’s a dating app.

Like, I personally don’t get that.

I don’t know many people that have worked in such fields that even just being on a dating app is frowned upon.

Usually if I see somebody on Tinder, that’s like, “Oh I’m not showing my face there either,” you know,
kind of a creeper predator there, catfishing the fuck out of you.

And those are not that—that’s not their body.

That’s not them from the neck down, or they’re cheating. Like that’s just, you know, plain and
simple. You’ll get a lot of that, too.

If you’re poly, like if you own that, people will be like, “Well, my spouse doesn’t know, but…”

So just, you know, block and move along.

If your ex is in your photos.

It means, you still think you look best next to them.

Period.

Full stop.

End of story.

So, just sit with that one, if you need to. It’s okay.

NEGATIVITY.

I always say this like, just kind of avoid negativity in your life if you can.

Like don’t do the whole pep talk, toxic positivity thing, but just don’t be unnecessarily negative.

“So like this site never works.”
“People never read these things.”
“Y’all the same.”
“Fake as fuck.”
“Thinking of deleting this.”

Because if you’re going to delete it, why am I going to message you? Why am I gonna swipe on you?

I once had a guy message me with a super memorable first message and I responded and then he ghosted me for like a month, and like lo and behold, I still happen to have the app later and he reinstalled.

It was like, “Oh, I messaged you and then, like, deleted it an hour later,” and I’m like, then why the fudge did you bother?

Like just, why?

And like, honestly, if someone’s negative on their dating profile, why are they going to be positive
on a date?

Why are they going to be positive in a relationship?

Why they going to be a positive force in your life, you know?

Like, snap snap can I get an amen?

—

I get it.

Dating, especially online, can be frustrating.

It can be lonely.

And you want to complain, and find someone who feels the same way you do about all-the-things.

Just don’t LEAD with all your complaints.

People don’t want to see that.

And more, honestly, the people who DO look for that are probably going to be wanting more than just a connection. They are hoping to scam you or get something from you.

Because, well, you’ve shown that you are miserable and lonely, and you’ve painted a lovely target of yourself for them.

Don’t do that.

Now, I don’t mean ‘don’t ever say anything that could be considered negative by someone.’

Because honestly, we want to use our profiles to find people right for us, and to sort out those who aren’t. So, be honest about you. A few examples from my book, ‘Dating Kinky:

If you prefer staying home curled up with a book on a Friday night to being out in a bar, say so!
For example:

“Fridays are my favorite nights for reconnecting with my partner quietly. Let’s watch a movie or read our separate books with our feet touching after a cozy dinner.”

If you’re not skinny:

“I’m 38-28-43, definitely curvy. Some might call me fat, even. I rock this body, and love my strength and the way I look in tight skirts. My best partner will, too.”

If you’re low on cash:

“The past few years I’ve been broke. As in living-with-friends-can-barely-afford-ramen broke. I’m still broke, but for a good cause. You see, I’ve been starting a business, and everything has been going into that, and it’s finally starting to pay off. So, if we date, it’ll likely be picnics and flowers from my yard, and some crazy scheduling with a huge helping of romance and a desire to really connect on a deeper level.”

If you suffer from anxiety:

“My social software got installed wrong, so I get anxious sometimes. It would be ideal if you understood people like me (or were willing to learn), so I could really be myself around you. My anxiety does not define me, and when I’m with people I know and like, I can really let loose and have fun!

You may word things differently, of course. But however you do it, try to reduce the negative vibes you give off.

In other words, try not to grump like this:

I don’t know why I bother, no one want to just hang out on Fridays, and I hate going out.
I know I’m fat, alrite? You don’t have to all send me mean messages.
No one wants a guy who isn’t rich.
If you can’t deal with my anxiety, fuck off.

ALL of these are examples I’ve seen on profiles. All of them turn me off.

(Yes, I do also have compassion for the human behind the profiles, and how they must feel. That is not enough to make me want to bring them into my dating life.)