On September 28, 2020, Liz Powell presented the topic “Declutter Your Dating” for Dating Kinky’s weekend event, It’s Not Cheating: It’s Ethical/Consensual Nonmonogamy. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 90 minute show, where they talk about how you don’t OWE anyone your presence in their life, and how choosing to honor yourself and your needs can lead to better relationship transitions (break-ups).
TRANSCRIPT
A lot of us feel like we have to justify why we’re ending a relationship—that it has to be bad enough to earn it or like they have to have done something terrible or we have to hate them that it has to have gone like, past some point in order for us to be able to say, “This isn’t working for me.”
No.
You get to at any point for any time…
…get to say, “This isn’t working, I need to let go of this with love.”
When we try to keep the things that aren’t working, that’s when we have these terrible endings of relationships.
That’s when we blow up.
That’s when we hurt each other.
Because we weren’t honest about it not working before that.
It is essential that we remember that these are our choices to make.
(And I see in the chat that song “You Don’t Own Me.” One of my favorite fucking songs, you know? “First Wives Club” was the first time I interacted with that song, I fucking love “First Wives Club,” that movie is great. And there’s an amazing new remix of it that I’ll try to find and send to folks.)
But you don’t owe anyone your presence.
Your presence is your choice.
You are the boss of your body, your heart, your time, your mind.
You are the boss.
You are the only one who gets to choose it.
That means that you also are responsible for making those tough decisions.
That you have to own that, these are your decisions to make. You don’t get to put it off anymore on, “Oh, I don’t get to choose. I have to.”
Why do you have to?
Seriously, why do you have to?
Ask yourself that question.
You get to choose.
Once you have chosen, you have to follow through on that choice.
And if you choose to keep someone, and then you’re finding that like the effort that you would put into actually fostering that relationship and like take care of it properly and honoring it isn’t working for you, that’s time to reevaluate.
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This is a timely message. This evening (Tuesday, the 12th of April), I’m teaching the second part of a two-part series titled “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do.”
In the first part, I talked about what it means to break up with someone. How to do it as ethically as possible and reduce harm.
In this next part, it’s about the other side. Being the one who is broken up with and how to recover yourself and your life and love with grace. Join me, if you can. It’s free! Learn more at: https://datingkinky.com/events
In the first part of the series, I talked about breaking up with people before you hate them. A very similar idea to what Dr. Liz is presenting here. The idea that if you really listen to yourself, and you honor your own needs, it’s easier (and more ethical) to end or transition a relationship.
It’s when you wait, and you build up resentments and frustrations that the dumpster fires tend to happen.
I’ve written about breaking up a few times. Here are some links.
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Breaking Up: My Three Commandments: https://datingkinky.com/blog/breaking-up-my-three-commandments/
Break Up. Do It Before You Dislike Your Partner Enough To Make It Easy: https://datingkinky.com/blog/love/break-up/
Breaking up is hard to do: Expectations: https://datingkinky.com/blog/dating/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-expectations/
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What are your thoughts?
Do you find yourself waiting until the last minute to break up? Are your break ups usually full of anger and frustration?
Have you ever let someone go before you got to that point?
What was the difference?
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You can learn more about Dating Kinky at: https://m.datingkinky.com
You can learn more about Liz Powell here: https://drlizpowell.com
