I’ve been writing about selfishness for a long time. I’m a damned selfish person. I know this about myself. I wrote “I’m a Selfish Shit” in 2013, so I have a long track record to point to.
Some people argue with me about it. They don’t think I’m selfish.
I know better.
They think that because they benefit from my behaviors and actions (and that I make sure that they do), that I’m not selfish. Couldn’t possibly be.
They are wrong.
VERY very wrong.
And I believe this is where people misunderstand the foundation of selfishness.
So, I’m going to tackle the topic again. Here goes.
How and why I’m selfish…
I’m selfish, and I say so in my writings. I talk about building relationships where I get to do what I want. Where I don’t let people control me. Where I don’t compromise.
Many people reading those things can agree that I’m selfish.
And they say so, loudly in the comments. And they use other terms as well. They are often wrong about those, but it’s OK. They don’t know me, their opinions don’t matter, and they see a distorted, narrow view of the world (or so it seems to me—I don’t know them, either, LOL!).
Some of those people get to know me, though, and they change their mind. I’m not selfish. I want to do good things for the community. I love bringing people together. I go out of my way to help people, even people I don’t like. I put a lot of my time and effort into making the kinky world a better place. And I do a lot of that for free.
Not selfish, then. Duh.
Those who know me best, though? They know for a fact I am selfish.
I do all of these things because they give me pleasure.
I personally profit in a better community.
And in those things I do charge money for? I professionally profit.
I spent 8 years doing rescue and rehab.
Mostly dogs, although I did foster a few cats, two eclectus pairs, numerous rats and small critters, a chinchilla, a ferret…
Well, mostly dogs.
It was a lot of work. Many of those animals came in with behavioral problems, and I worked with them to make them more adoptable.
It took up most of my spare time. I once had seven dogs and 6 puppies, a trio of rats and a four cats in one house. All except two dogs (mine) in various stages of turned-in-and-headed-for-adoption.
Between that and work, I didn’t really do much else.
But I was still selfish.
Because that’s what I wanted to do. It felt good to work with animals. Honestly, at that time, I related to the critters better than my fellow humans. It made me happy to see them adopted and loved—and to see them love as well.
Yes, it also benefitted those animals. And the shelter that I volunteered for. And the people who ultimately were rescued by those four-legged miracles.
But I did it for me.
Not for them.
They really just got to benefit, and it made me happy that they did.
You see, it all boils down to what you value.
I value my happiness. I value love. I value a world where others are happy, because it’s easier for me to be happy when others are not being shitty to each other.
I make the people around me VERY happy, as I can. They, in turn, fill me up in ways I could never do for myself or cheat out of people.
I get what I want. I get what I need. AND I do it in a way that saves me a ton of time and effort.
But what if I valued other things?
What if I valued…control?
This whole writing is in response to a comment on a writing about control (https://fetlife.com/users/50648/posts/7982387). It was:
I think most of the people who you’re complaining about being controlling feel at their wits end. It’s just that they aren’t getting enough of their needs and their feelings considered to feel safe, happy, and like they’re still on the same team. It’s not that they want to win. They feel their partner is being inconsiderate, uncaring, and yes, selfish (as UH advocates there).
(UH = @UnicornHusbandry on FetLife, referring to this piece: https://fetlife.com/users/8337532/posts/8058715)
There are people who value control as a means to happiness, versus valuing the happiness itself. Or whatever.
People who believe that controlling others is the only way to get what they want will act selfishly in controlling ways.
And they probably won’t get what they want, ultimately.
Because, well, being controlled doesn’t make people happy, and being surrounded by unhappy people is not a great way to be happy yourself.
And because controlling people is a full-time job, and it’s not a happy one. And you probably already have one job you hate. Why commit to another one?
But this is the brand of selfishness that most people are familiar with. The “selfish” people mean when they call others selfish as an insult or a curse.
The selfish that most of those people find in themselves, so it’s what they look for in others.
I’m a different kind of selfish.
You might scoff. Or agree, but find it off-putting anyway.
I’m cool with that.
I don’t expect or want everyone to be just like me.
It just makes me happy when I figure out how to put an idea into words and to share it with you.
And my curiosity is satisfied when I read the responses and learn more about other humans and how you think.
And I’m filled up when people respond to what I write and tell me that it came at just the right time, or that they needed to read that, or that it inspired them in some way, or that it introduced them to my work and my business and they want to be a bigger part of my world and the things I do.
See? I’m selfish.
What are your thoughts?
Do you think I’m selfish? Is that a good or a bad thing?
Do you think you’re selfish? If so, how would you describe your selfishness, and is it a good or a bad thing?