In February 2021, UnrulyNerdGirl presented the topic “Your Magic Dating Suit of Armor” for Dating Kinky’s Dating & Love weekend event. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where UNG talks about emotional manipulation, specifically describing love bombing and the silent treatment:
TRANSCRIPT:
So I want to talk a little bit about emotional manipulation because I think we know—we know about it, but we
don’t know about it.
You know what I mean?
So, we know that there’s things that we talk about like gaslighting, you know, that, that seems to be a big word that we use,especially in the kink community.
Ghosting. We talk a little bit about that.
And it was interesting if you—if you attended Nookie’s talk this morning that ghosting isn’t—she was, and I’m
probably gonna screw this up and I do apologize—she was saying how ghosting can also be a form
of communication.
It’s not just necessarily a form of emotional manipulation, and I thought that was really fascinating.
So if you have a chance, I highly recommend you go and watch the replay of that talk, because it
really made me have a second look at ghosting, but in any case, emotional manipulation, whether it’s used consciously or unconsciously really pokes at our soft spots.
So here’s a few and if you don’t recognize any of these, please do pop in the chat and just say, “Hey, I don’t know what that term is,” and I’ll explain it.
So we have gaslighting and negging (or also known as backhanded compliment), ghosting, love-bombing, angry outbursts…
Man, I was in a relationship with a dominant who regularly once a month would blow up at me for like really seriously no reason at all.
And I remember saying to my friends, “Like is this normal? Is this like this doesn’t seem normal. I don’t know what this is.”
Okay, boundtobehappy asked, “What is love-bombing?”
So love-bombing is when someone very quickly becomes attached to you, and just like, “You’re the greatest, you’re the best, oh, my God,” and like, they’re giving you gifts. And, and just fawning all over you,
“You’re wonderful,” you know, they’re, they’re they’re bringing your cookies. They’re, they’re showing up at your things.
I mean, it’s different than being part of your cheer squad, which we’re going to talk about.
This is somebody who like, you know, barely knows you and is just all over you and just showing you all kinds of love and affection, you know, “Yep, you’re the, you’re the best partner I’ve ever had,” on day two.
Exactly.
I actually went on a dinner date with someone and I knew them as an acquaintance, but I didn’t really know them.
And I think within five minutes after sitting down, she said to me, “Oh, my other submissive said that she would make my wedding dress for when we get married,”
And I’m like, “I’m not even divorced from my ex-wife. I don’t, I don’t really know how that’s going to happen. I’m pretty sure Canada has bigamy laws.”
So that was that, that kind of threw me for a loop.
I mean, I was just there for the sushi buffet, man, I wasn’t there for a wedding proposal.
I just wanted some, I just want some beef rolls, you know, I just wanted some tamago.
So continuing: Silent treatment.
Oh my God.
This is actually hard limit for me.
This this is a relationship killer for me because because of just I guess who I am, my attachment style, being a little—if someone just gives me the cold shoulder or cuts off communication, to me it fractures the relationship, because it just it says, you know, “You cannot go where I am going.”
It just puts a block there and for me, it’s, I can’t have that.
I can’t, I can’t deal with it.
Lack of information makes me squirrelly, I tell you.
—
Ooof! That hits home.
Next Monday, I have a series I’m starting about how communication is a tool, not a solution to relationship problems.
And it’s true.
However, there is a corollary: Silence is also a tool.
But it’s a tool that is more specialized, and best used with foresight and consideration.
For example, when a relationship discussion is getting out of hand, it can be good to put it on hold and not talk about it.
Even to be silent for a while.
However, as UnrulyNerdGirl noted, it has potential to do harm, so it’s best invoked with an explanation:
“I’m going to put this topic on pause for now, and we’ll come back to it in 48 hours.”
Or
“I need an hour to myself, with no talking of any sort. After that, we can pick this conversation back up, if you’d like.”
And
“I do love you. I want you to know that. I just need some quiet right now,” also helps.
There is nothing specifically wrong with silence.
But when that particular tool is used without warning or without compassion, it cuts deeply and becomes a weapon.
What are your thoughts?
Have you ever been given the silent treatment? How did that feel?
How do you feel about silence as a tool for good or ill? Is there ever a time when silence is the answer for you? Or when it is totally unacceptable?
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You can learn more about UnrulyNerdGirl here: http://www.UnrulyNerdGirl.com
UnrulyNerdGirl is presenting “Creating your first protocol event for your Miss, Ma’am, or Woman in Charge” for our FLR, FemDom, and Women in Charge Event June 10-12. More info here: https://bit.ly/3M50r7X
