On January 21, 2021, I presented the topic “The (Anti) Won Twoo Way” for Dating Kinky’s monthly show, the Nonmonogamunch. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).
Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where I talk about OPP, and what it means in nonmonogamy.
“You down with OPP?
Yeah, you know me!”
A little bit?
So OPP in the song, I think (at least I was told at one point) that it meant ‘other people’s pussy.’ Like you’re, like running around.
Like, I guess that would kind of be a bull song.
Wow, that just hit me.
Anyway, so OPP is a one person—one person, one penis policy. Usually. Often one pussy policy. Many (Ha! GenX Yeah. Hello!), many times, cuckolding is very specifically a one pussy policy.
The woman gets to have as many penises as she wants, or hey, pussies as well. Whereas the cuckold is very specifically tied to one pussy, period. End of story, right?
One penis policy, usually a heteronormative couple where the man is straight, the woman is bisexual, and they’re opening up their relationship and she is “allowed” to only date women because she’s bi
and she already has him—which is all she should ever need, right?
And he is the only penis she can have.
Again, a lot of people say that this is unethical.
I believe again, when it is used as a rule for others, “You will only have one penis ever!” that’s bad.
But when two people come to an agreement together and say, “Hey, this works for me,” it’s just fine.
So for example, I have never required my cuckold to be my cuckold, however, he has chosen to be my cuckold and therefore, I get to manage and direct his sexuality for as long as we have this negotiated power
exchange and sexual relationship.
If that should ever change, then we’ll have to negotiate something else.
I don’t see it changing, but for what it’s worth: life, humans gonna human.
I mentioned that earlier.
I wanted to talk about my (Anti) Won Twoo Way take on nonmonogamy because there are a lot of poly/nonmono groups out there who share strong opinions about what is and is not “ethical,” and while I sometimes agree, I often find that they tend to take an extreme position, and everyone sort of gathers to one side or another, with no room left in the middle for nuance.
Not unlike, well, pretty much every group of humans, ever, actually.
Group think is definitely an issue, and a danger.
And I am pretty fanatically against anyone telling anyone else they can’t live how they want, or that it’s unethical to do so.
Although I will be happy to say that certain behaviors are unethical, and to explain why.
Which is probably deeper thinking than most people think they need to do just to have a relationship.
But that’s the problem, right?
That “relationship” is not a class period in Junior High, and most people don’t think it’s something you learn, just something you go forward with.
And then, they fudge it all up.
So, groups take what seem like the most egregious stumbling blocks, and highlight them, and show they are often (nearly always, in their experience) bad, and that becomes cannon, passed on by all those in the group, or they are piled upon.
But I happily live an OPP life with my partner.
Or, rather he lives an OPP life with me.
And there are thousands of unequal or restricted couples like us out there, and we are not living unethically.
So, what’s the difference?
Not just consent, because people can absolutely consent to unethical arrangements that harm them.
But boundaries, communication, and personal autonomy combined with consent.
BOTH people in any relationship must have good boundaries, the ability and opportunity to communicate those, and the personal autonomy to be able to make changes in their relationship (and their entire life) should an arrangement being to fail them.
And THAT, right there, is so profound that I know I’m going to have to write more on it.
But for now, I’d like to open the discussion to you.
What do you think?
In kink, we do a lot of things that on the surface could be considered unethical, or abusive. And yet, we know better.
Besides consent, what do YOU think is required for what we do to be ethical to those we do it with?
Are boundaries, communication, and autonomy enough? Or have I missed something/gotten it wrong?