On December 14, I presented the topic “Oh Captain, My Captain! Finding a mentor or teacher in the lifestyle (who won’t take advantage)” for Dating Kinky’s 12 Days of Kinkmas. The original presentation was free to all who joined us live, and was recorded for Dating Kinky’s PLUS members to access through the Dating Kinky Library (over 400 videos and 550 hours of content!).

Here is a clip from that 90-minute show, where I talk about finding a mentor.
https://youtu.be/uD3YWmFz4VE

TRANSCRIPT

So, one thing to understand is that in some small way, this presentation and me right now are offering a sort of part-time short-duration mentorship to you through my words and expression of ideas, right?

That’s one way to think of “How do I find mentors?”

Go out and find people who speak, find people who write, and add their words and thoughts and ideas to your experience and mesh them all together to create something that is spectacularly unique to you.

So, yes, I believe everyone benefits from learning and growing through others’ experiences and understanding.

But what about a more formal mentor?

I’d say maybe. A mentor-protégé relationship is deeply personal from my perspective and is best when developed more or less organically.

Now I’m going to talk about other ways that it can develop a little bit later, but generally speaking, from my perspective, your best bet is to find someone you really connect with and respect and then you spend time with them developing a common outlook, and then it becomes more on either or both sides, right?

You can look up to somebody who has no idea that they’re being a mentor to you.

But because you’re in their presence and because you’re exposed to them, you have the benefit of being mentored, right?

But so here’s—here’s where people, start getting a little fuzzy: Mentors in the lifestyle of opposite or other roles or genders.

And what I mean by this is in a heteronormative-type mentorship.

A male mentoring a female.

Or a woman mentoring a man.

Or a trans woman mentoring an enby.

Like, so people look at gender as an issue.

What about dominants mentoring submissives, or Masters mentoring slaves, or slaves mentoring owners?

People start getting [gestures weirdly].

Here’s the thing: it depends on who you ask.

In my role as a mentor in the lifestyle, I’ve personally mentored dominants and submissives and genders of all different, you know, rainbow colors, and so on and so forth.

I don’t care what package you’re carrying with you.

I don’t care how you identify, except so that I know how to, you know, respect you as a human.

What I care—as your Mentor is: What is between your ears, and how do you use it? Not what is between your legs and what do you call it?

None of that matters to me.

Now, there are going to be people who come down on both sides of this.

Some people will say dominants can never mentor submissives. Others will say if a dominant hasn’t actually been a submissive, they can’t be a good dominant.

Some people say both of those things, which boggles my mind because I just don’t, I don’t understand it, but it’s okay.

They got to do what they got to do.

In all of my experience and research and interest in kink, my perspective is that I can probably help anyone on either side of the slash in some ways and I have contacts who know people that I can refer them to for more specific information.

—

As I’m writing this (about two weeks ago, now), I’m thinking about yesterday’s episode of 2 Sides to Dominance in which EnglishLeatherMaster and his boy talked about shame.

It was an amazing, brilliant, deeply blunt and compassionate episode.

And I’m thinking of this because I’m thinking of gender and the lifestyle.

ENM and his boy are gay. They are part of the gay BDSM world.

They are AMAZING humans and give back SO MUCH.

And as I’m editing this clip, I’m thinking about the whole gender thing, and wondering if maybe everyone who is saying that X gender cannot mentor Y gender is actually dismissing non-heteronormative sexual orientations in their mind as either not worth considering, or less problematic, somehow.

Which leads me to the idea that for some reason the M/f pairing or F/m pairing is thought of as inherently more problematic than any others.

And I’m not sure how that could apply in gay BDSM culture, since there, all men are potentially attracted to/sexually open to all others.

Not REALLY, just hypothetically. Because of course, we are assuming when we chastise M/f mentoring or F/m mentoring that it cannot be ethical, because there might be sexual tension.

I don’t know about you, but my genitals are not attracted to every damn one. And even if they are, I can still behave ethically.

And let’s talk about roles.

As a dominant, I don’t necessarily want power over or to groom every submissive I encounter. Why would I? That’s ridiculous. There are so many amazing submissives out there who could use some guidance who are not at all the types I would personally be looking for.

So, why is it suddenly sus for me to mentor them?

Just because I’m a dominant?

Does it matter that I’m a dominant with 30 years of experience in the lifestyle?

Or that I’m a good human?

Or that I don’t actually want another submissive, and even if I did, that I actually encourage people to get experience with LOTS of others before settling down with a dominant—especially me?

(You see, I don’t want to be someone’s only choice, but their best one.)

And let’s talk about sexuality. I have mentored people in sex. I have taught them. I have shown them new tricks and ways to connect with other bodies.

WHILE having sex with them.

Does that make it unethical?

To some, sure.

To me, not at all. We enjoyed ourselves, learned and grew together (I find I often learn as much mentoring as I teach), and then moved on in our lives.

I’m not saying these relationship cannot be unethical.

ANY mentoring relationship can be unethical. Of course.

But inherently?

No.

So, what makes the difference when the gender is mixed (or same, in gay culture, for example)? Or when the roles are mixed? Or when sexuality is involved?

Power? I don’t think so. In a mentoring relationship, the mentor generally holds more power, by virtue of their role.

I’d say—and this is a real stretch here—ethics.

LOL!

Seriously, though.

I am an admin of a local newbies group. And there was a huge batter a couple years ago about experienced people dating newbies. Suggesting that none of the admins could date a newbie at all (we already had a rule about dating newbies in the group).

And I fought for the concept that we just do our best to choose ethical people, and then trust them to be ethical.

Yes, one of the leaders had dated a newbie from the group. Had harmed them. One. Out of probably 15 people to that point.

Would those arbitrary rules and standards have helped in that case? Probably not. Unethical people are unethical because they don’t follow rules.

Ethical people are ethical despite rules.

I’m not advocating for myself.

I’m going to do exactly what I want to do and think is right, regardless of ninnies crying foul against me. I have for decades and it works for me.

AND, I’m not looking for people to mentor. I don’t take on protégés easily. In fact, I rarely do, and only after I’ve known them a long time and I’ve really sussed out who they are. Most people don’t have the patience for how I do these things.

I guess I’m asking people to stop making arbitrary rules and to start thinking for themselves. To really vet the people they take on a mentors. To get to know THEM and let their respect for them grow organically over time, rather than throwing themselves at some random SuperGUberMeister’s feet, begging for wisdom and slave training.

Which is probably a lost cause, LOL! But I will keep trying.

Because I feel like valuing rules over personal judgment and responsibility actually divides our community and makes it less safe.

What are your thoughts?

Do you believe that mentorships should have rules like:

• Men should not mentor women.
• Dominants cannot mentor submissives.
• Sex should never be a part of a mentorship.

Or, do you feel that other aspects of the mentorship are more important, like I do?