How Do YOU Get Into The Right Headspace?

How Do YOU Get Into The Right Headspace?

Two heads, one with gears, the other with hearts and BDSM symbols.

This writing is now available as a podcast episode!

Let me say first that there is no one right way to do this.

For some, the dynamic is interwoven through their lives, and every fiber of their being. There is no headspace, really. It just is.

For others, the mere act of putting on tight leather pants or being stripped down can help reinforce their role in the dynamic, and ready them for play or more extreme interaction.

My personal headspace just is. I am as happy dominating in my fuzzy pajamas as in 6-inch stilettos and tight clothing.

That said, I don’t have children.

I have my own business with a flexible schedule.

I also write and think about kink nearly all day every day.


Not everyone has these advantages.

My Pet, though, can take a bit of time to ‘shift gears,’ especially after a stressful day at work or during stressful times. AND THAT’S OK.

I may greet him by walking up to him and pointing at the ground, rather than giving him a hug that usually marks every time we come back together, and he will know, immediately, where I want his head to be.

He follows through, even when he’s not there, yet, because that is how he finds his own headspace—by following my lead.

Everyone is different.

I can offer some suggestions, though.

The 5 Senses

Our senses are how we primarily interact with the world around us. They shape our experiences, and can be used to trigger specific thoughts and feelings.

We can use them to our advantage as well, by creating rituals around our relationship dynamics.


Visuals are incredibly powerful and can tell a story without words.

A submissive walks in the door after work and is greeted by a vision of a woman in skin-tight latex, high heels, standing imperiously with a toe jutted ever so slightly out, inviting a kiss. She holds in her hand the crop, and use it to point the where she wants their knees.

While such a scene or outfit may not appeal to you, it’s easy to feel the scenario being laid out here. There is no mistaking what’s intended.

The submissive has been granted a sight of kinky dominance in all her glory, and she saw herself transforming into a different part of herself as she prepared.

The visual feedback helped create her mindset.

Or perhaps, she walks in to find them in a supplicant’s position, wearing only a collar and leash. The mundane Wednesday evening just took a wonderful turn!


Music can set the mood. Powerful, sexy, soft and light, sensual—you can find music for any feeling.

But music is not the only way to use sound.

Voice modulation. Choosing to speak in a commanding tone, or lowering your voice to a near-whisper to draw them in. A throaty low laugh in their ear as you mention what naughty things you have planned.

Pet Names. Someone once asked in my Women In Charge Facebook group what pet names we use in public to honor our dynamic.

I mentioned that I would never risk Pet’s reputation, so I would not require him to title me and I use a normal, vanilla pet name for him.

However, that normal, vanilla pet name might be whispered in his ear during very naughty play over and over again, so that it’s immediate effect on him is always a flashback to my personal and sexual power over him, regardless of the situation.

This is a simple form of behavior modification, one of my favorite kinks.

I’ve also worked with COC, or cum on command, where a single word said in a specific way will create waves of orgasm in a submissive. The mere sound of a word causes physical reaction.


Not only how you touch someone with your hand, but the textures and feels of the things that surround you.

The clothing you wear. The sheepskin rug in front of the fire for heat-warmed skin.

Sensual silk lingerie versus stiff corsetry.

And, of course, touch by hand. A grip on the back of the neck or the throat. An affectionate pat on the bottom. A caress under the table at dinner, promising of things to come.


A kiss in greeting becomes a small taste of your lover, and serves to let them know you are getting in the mood.

Sensual chocolate revs your engines at dinner. A decadent tea relaxes you and prepares you for pampering.

The taste of your partner’s most intimate parts.


Smells have been shown to strongly invoke memories.

I met a dominant who always uses a very specific incense when scening. Anyone who has ever scened with him will carry that with them forever. The more times they scene, the stronger, more intense the memory.

I love certain scents, and a whiff pf a specific cologne on my Pet lets me know he thought about me and my pleasure and he is very much looking to get my attention.

Just the scent of your partner as you hug in greeting, smelling their neck can begin getting you to the headspace you seek.

The Sky is the Limit

It’s all about creating the markers for memories, and then using them when needed to boost yourself in the right direction.

What do YOU do to get into your own headspace?

Do you have any rituals that instantly put you in the mood? A favorite sense to employ?

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