I am not a sadist. Not of any sort. Not emotional, not otherwise.
I don’t knock it.
To me, pathologies are simply aspects of an individual, and how they function with them (their behavior) is what matters to me.
After all, I am on the same branch of the crazy tree as sociopaths and psychopaths.
But I digress.
I was about to tell you a story.
My Pet is an emotional masochist. He LOVES to feel shamed for several of his (entirely self-perceived, in my view) failings.
For a long time, humiliation was a hard limit for me.
Probably in large part due to my experience with an emotionally manipulative and abusive ex-husband who used shame liberally in his efforts to control me. It actually caused a physical reaction in me to think about it., and not the sexy kind.
More like the oh-fuck-no-how-horrifying-type of physical reaction. Gut-twisting, shortness of breath, and a pain in my (figurative heart).
Thus, my hard limit.
And he accepted that about me. And we found plenty to do.
However, that hard limit of mine butted up against his desires over and over. Not because he pressed the issue, he’s not like that. But because I am, in many ways, the complement to a sadist. I get off on pleasure.
And when I accidentally mentioned something that could be taken as shaming or humiliating, his pleasure at the feeling took my breath away.
And I learned a thing: Even negative emotions have their place in pleasure and healing.
I credit him for that, and I have taken that very much to heart.
And I’ve learned to play an emotional sadist in our kinking together, and I love it. Because I know it’s play, he knows it’s play, and he grows stronger with it.
Why tell this? Because yesterday, I specifically wrote about the pathology of non-consensual emotional sadism and emotional masochism, and I forgot to mention it was about pathology.
And I upset some people.
TOTALLY on me.
I added a big content warning (CW) at the beginning, which is a good start. It does not, however, address the good stuff it can be in the right contexts.
So, today, I’m writing about the fun that is consensual emotional sadism and consensual emotional masochism in kink.
I’m not a sadist, and it’s still fun.
I can only imagine if I could get off on his pleasure and pain… WOWZA!
Instead, I’ll settle for the power of his wanting to take that pain from ME, because I can hurt him more deeply emotionally than anyone. That’s super-sexy to me, and a great responsibility.
It give me tingles just to write about it.
Within consensual play, emotional sadism and masochism have their place, and they are incredibly valuable. they allow people to work through past hurts and issues, to feel deep emotions that may not be a part of their normal lives, and to bond deeply with each other intimacy and shared experiences.
They can create a positive force in a relationship or scene, and in a life.
As long as they are communicated, negotiated, and consented to.
And it doesn’t take an emotional sadist to pair with an emotional masochist, as I have found my joy in providing him what he desires, and I get plenty out of it for myself.
So, I guess what I’m saying is that emotional sadism or emotional masochism or even straight up sadism or masochism does not mean that you are broken or wrong.
It means you’re wired differently.
And finding people who enjoy that wiring in a safe consensual way is all that matters.
Because I’m not a sadist, but I can certainly play one.
(For more on the details behind that journey and thoughts, see: Sadism: Too Simple A Term, The Desire of Humiliation, and/or Humiliation Is No Fun If It’s THE TRUTH, Yet, It Has To Be True)