Someone asked me:
Within your relationships, when it comes to limits, how have you handled them? Particularly within M/s where there seems to be a divide of those who see that a slave should have no limits and those who see that it’s fine if they do. I guess I’m seeing if you’ve been in a dynamic where it felt safe to say no limits or not.
EVERYONE has limits. Everyone.
M/s with no limits grows from a relationship where the limits are deeply understood and communicated.
When people talk about no limits in relationships, they don’t mean “no limits, ever.”
What they really (usually) mean is a relationship with a person whose values are in line with their own. Who won’t shove an habanero up their butthole (although I’m sure a few people will say that that’s not a limit for them—poor, lost souls), cut off a limb, or try to make them hold a live cockroach in their mouth for five minutes while being spanked.
It’s more about: “Who is this person? Can I trust them to guide me and our lives together in such a way that I will ultimately be safe, and lead a happy, fulfilling life?”
They have discussed what life truly looks like to them both. Their visions (mostly) match. There is no need to speak out against certain things, because they are understood.
Usually a “do not harm the property” understanding is in place.
Now, I’m sure there will be people who say that have no limits at all.
And frankly, I welcome your input as a foil to my writing and pronouncements. If you’re willing, how do you feel about the following:
- Being forced into a busy public area to shout racial or homophobic slurs at passers by, until someone takes a swing at you, then stabbing them and running away?
- The previous example of holding a live cockroach in your mouth for five minutes while being spanked?
- Amputating your perfectly healthy dominant right arm?
- Coming out as something you’re not (gay [straight], trans [cis—claiming you were mistaken], racist) to everyone you know, and living that lie for years?
- Being sold to strangers for an undetermined period of time, with no limits there, except “keep it alive?”
- Eating scat (your partner’s or a stranger’s)?
- Put your perfectly healthy pet to sleep on a whim?
Let’s talk more about no limits.
Thing is, they have limits. They did not get into a no limits relationship with just anyone, did they? They chose the one that fit them. So, they have a limit of “no one who is incompatible with me.”
And M/s relationships with no limits have troubles, too. They break up over various things. So, there are limits.
My partner and I don’t talk about specific limits. We don’t really have to. We don’t have a safe word, and we’ve never needed one.
Not because we don’t push past comfort. But because we have deep trust and communicate, and he does not “lose his words” when he is in a scene. Also, he doesn’t say “No,” and hope to be overruled, so “No,” “Stop,” and “Hold on a sec,” work for us just fine.
I think it’s probably a better idea to start where you are, and grow together into your relationship, removing the limits you have as you feel comfortable.
And don’t bother letting other people judge whether you are “M/s enuff.” That’s none of their bidness.
What are your thoughts on “No Limits” in power exchange relationships, especially M/s?
Do you have any tips to share one creating a deeply connected relationship where the limits are few and far between, or that you would consider “no limits?”
I’d love to hear.